awake
Listening to: the day the world went away - NIN

i am awake, it is 2:29am and i am awake. i just got back from a club, it was nice.

 

no more losing my cool, just smooth sailing. the guy to woman ratio in the 21 and over room was hilarious. the first time i got asked to dance i just kind agreed but brushed off the advance-message received. the second time the guy just crept up behind me and held on to my waist and hand and i just, no. it was very sensual, i admit that. hahahahha closer is playing. perfect. anyways, i was swept away by a gay acquaintance and we danced. thank you oscar!! and the third time, the guy slowly joined in the circle and eventually asked me to dance. as soon as i shrugged and said yes, he started spinning me and i said noooo... not like that. i just can't be led like that. i don't like it. it's hilarious, i make a funky face whenever someone tries to dance like that with me. he understood and we danced on my terms, it was funny. fun as well. he asked for my number after and i told him i wasn't looking for anything beyond being an acquaintance or a friend. he said friend was good for him so there we go. the guy danced well. i'm more of a lone wolf... i can't really dance with another person, or guys i guess. it's easier with ladies... i guess the whole crotch bulging out frightens me. oh god i can still remember when that guy got close and eeeeew.

the clubbing thing isn't quite my cup of tea, soccer would be better but i'll settle for that, the gym, and running. 

 

yeah. still gotta work on the high heels thing... fuck it, i like my flats lol. seriously, i'd rather be able to dance well, for many hours, than look really blah blah.

 

i was thinking about what friends had said about clubbing, how it was for single people...

 

it is, and i really do enjoy it :) so long as it's on my terms.

 

i would like a dress though, i do admit that much lol oooh but not the colored top, high waisted black bottom dresses... everyone and their mother wears those. i know, because it's very flattering for many figures but i don't waaant that. i'll find a dress one of these days :)

 

i'm just smiling all over the place, look at me. eeesh. good night huh? yeah. 

 

i guess i've finally begun to accept that i am attractive, i can manage to dance, and i'm okay.

 

i think that's the first time i've ever written that. "i'm okay".

 

it feels really good. i want to write that dozens and dozens of times over and over.

 

what happened last week, i figured it out.

 

last week i was intoxicated, it was only in that state that the guy would ever be able to get close. that state, me in that state, too easy. that was but was not me. i'm blunt, opinionated, and very passionate. when i talk, i really listen, i mean words and everything. i'm pretty good at telling when a person lies and well, had i been sober i would have grabbed him by the ankle, chewed him up, spit him out, and laid him up to dry in the sun while sprinkling salt and vinegar on his wounds. but noo, i had passed out. shame on me. it's fine though, now i know. now i know.

 

if i ever see him again, oh we'll have a nice talk him and i, yes we will.

 

there is, a house in new orleans

they call the rising sun

and it's been the ruin of many a poor boys

and god i know i'm one

119 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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