lines

i feel like i'm ready for a new relationship. i think i might want to fall in love. i'm being fed this unattainable idea of love. i know it's unrealistic, there's definitely an agenda behind this "love" yet i can't help but long for it. it's the weirdest thing. where can i find it... how do i go about being involved with someone in that matter?

well, for now i can look. i enjoy looking, especially when i go to the gym. there are a couple of people that are just, oh god. hahahaha. i have ideas, these ideas will bring nothing but trouble. luckily i've learned to ignore these desires, fantasies whatever they are.

i'm a sucker.

so on another note, i owe myself five miles. this is going to be quite the task. tomorrow i have 11 miles, i'll do three miles tuesday and two on friday. yeah.

i want something, i want to be close to someone. i don't have the time though. i barely have enough time to work and go to the gym. i don't really have a lot of time to spend with my family either.

do i really want this? mmm.

did i really want to be with him?

 

what do i want? i couldn't even decide on what to bake today. when i finally made a decision, it went all wrong. it was awful. the brownies, from a box, were awful. i think i may have even gotten sick. 

 

i'm a mess. well, not a true mess but just, i need to find my footing. the ground i'm on, i know what i'm standing on, i just can't find a pose... stance, something, my muscles my mind they're not working together to stand. all of this, it's all too inefficient.

people keep telling me that there aren't a lot of young women like me, girls even, that i'm not sure what they mean. it's in regards to how i'm not blowing my money and stuff on stuff i don't need. yes i'm saving, but mostly thinking of taking my little guy out, getting my mom something nice, and finally buying my dad a new watch. when i need to buy something for myself, i take so long... i end up just not doing it after all. when it comes to buying something for someone else, almost at impulse.

i don't know. just me thinking "out loud" i guess. sure.

 

sure.

sure.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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