fog

i don't remember writing the previous entry. how do i feel. i don't think i can answer that with words. i can't conjure up words to describe how i'm feeling. what i can say is that i'm anxious. i know that much. there's more but i just don't know how to express that bit. i feel like i may be losing my mind. i can't stand this. i feel like running my head into the wall. how much more.

 

my race is in three weeks. i'm incredibly nervous. maybe that's it. i don't know. my goal is to finish. i'd like to get through with the race without walking, just run/jog the whole thing. we'll see how it goes. i hope it goes well. i need these things in my life to keep things different. i can't just sit back and hope things just happen for me, i must make the decisions... take the steps to create the rifts that will keep me going. no football games, food, not i want something more. i need these goals. i need to continue going to the gym. i need to see that energy manifest itself in lifting and running, anything of that nature. 

a new relationship will not bring me happiness. i cannot forget this. it's like everytime i see him i just get so involved with the notion of having someone with me that i forget how great it has been being single. i've discovered so much about myself.

 

i want to be with someone that is willing to work towards complimenting me. i want to be with someone that i would be happy to compliment... does that make sense? i would like someone that's my equal. yeah. in every sense. i want to learn, i want to teach, i want there to be a mutual understanding that taken apart we're both fine. no co-dependence.

i'm just ranting away. i don't know that i'm being all to clear about all this.

142 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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