hurts to breathe

i draw and the figures don't settle well with me. i write and it seems to make more sense to me now. it hurts to breathe.

right now, there are several things worrying me. just another day, right?

i might have an std, i probably do. wow, i actually expressed that one. wonder what's next. i am definitely bisexual, right now anways. or that doesn't even make sense to me either. i am, i'm certainly not heterosexual. i'm just i don't know what but i know i haven't had the space to really figure that part of myself out. this is getting out of hand, i've lost my grip on what i share. i'm talking and things are actually slipping out. there is, there are words that are leaving my lips that carry weight and that's scary. i'm terrified. it's been so long and the demons inside are just, they've had enough. these demons were once something else, what they were i don't claim to know. they've stayed in me, oppressed by my fear, censored. these things, beings, they've become bitter. these feelings of helplessness, oh how they disturb me. my vision, my gaze is rocked. i cannot see, the world around me is nothing more than a blur. i cannot breathe. i remember to exhale and the pain returns, it hurts to breathe.

what am i looking for. it was my fault. i always blame myself. can i give him up? would i be able to live with myself, something like that founded on lies. a big lie. one that will probably eat him up, so much doubt. if i can lie about this, what's keeping me from lying about other things. i don't want this. even if this wasn't happening. no support. all i want is that warmth, knowing he's there. no. i am just a body, i am a collection of lubricated holes. that's all i'll ever be to him. i the pain. i inhale, i feel so lightheaded.

the world came crashing on me. everything happened so fast. i don't act like that, that doesn't go with what i do, how i function. maybe that's what i needed. so far, how i've acted hasn't really brought about the change i've been craving and with what happened this week, i feel different. i feel desperate, ravenous. dangerous. i just want, and i will have. nothing i express has really made sense to me. it's been such a long time.

it's about 2:30am and i'm on here. i should be sleeping. why aren't i sleeping? i am sleepy. nothing more than a collection of lubricated holes.

he will not protect me. he's oblivious. he says girls don't, they aren't clear on what they want. fuck. are you kidding me? i'm so fucking clear on what i want, you, you're the one that is clueless. you, you text me one day and the next you've forgotten about me. why are you even texting me? i get the whole collection of holes, but why feel the need to talk to me? i don't want you like that. i can't have you like that, not after everything that's happened. i'm angry. what did you expect? i was just going to welcome you back into my life after those two to three weeks of absence. seriously? what am i even saying. this is pointless. i say this is pointless because i know you won't understand it. you, you with your condition. no. condition? i'll fucking tell you about a "condition", imagine not being able to see yourself as something more than a collection of holes. now, close your eyes and try see how your actions only promote that message. keep in mind you don't know about my past, but hey, guess what? the people that i've trusted, yeah, they've fucked me over the most. i open myself up just a bit and they reveal their agendas. i'm not saying they had these complex plans for our relationships, no, it was just what it was. my value is determined by what my body has the potential to do-how many times does it take to fuck someone over enough so that they begin to believe this hateful shit? i'm pretty hard headed, i guess, because it's still happening.

yeah, you believe that it's all true.

and then, when someone's trying to be kind, i'm left worrying what they plan to get out of me.

this anxiety, this constant state of panic, it hurts. my heart beats so fast, it hurts to breathe.

it hurts to be.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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