the calm

i am feeling better. it has been a week since i have seen him and my thoughts are in order. i know and have known there is nothing he could offer me that could ever come close to completing me, well that's not even the word. there is nothing he can offer me that would make his presence bearable. he doesn't make me feel good, confident, any of that. i don't and have never felt supported by him. 

i opt out.

the idea, that's what i wanted. no, i actually appreciated the quirks and everything that made him, or at least everything he showed me. i don't know what he saw in me other than fun. i think that's sort of it. lol aah.

this is, i have options, i had no clue i had options. hmmm.

i want to lose five pounds, or seven and gain back five as leg muscle. i liked my legs last year hmm. no, i think i want to lose eight and gain back five, i want triceps too. okay. working in the morning will make this easier heh. i can start running, at least two miles a day for now and hopefully after going to get my ankle looked i can up the mileage.

i feel calm. well, no i need to wash the bathroom. there's still a lot to do.

this last week was weird. so stressful. i was in a really dark place. i feel like the last four days have been just one explosion after another of crazy shit. so many fuck its.

i feel lazy. i think i'll run a mile now and then start the bathroom and do the second one after. yeah.

breathing is not easy but it's worth the struggle. people are so kind, i don't have words to express my gratitude or appreciation. all i can do is cry. whenever i get "like that" i'll think back to them, they save my life in more ways that they'll never know. or maybe i'll share what's going on one day.

 

one thing's for sure, they just don't know, and it's not their fault.

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the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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