alone

i've become so paranoid. any little noise freaks me out. i feel like people around me believe they're walking on eggshells. i'm so afraid. i'm so afraid to be spoken to, looked at, touched. tell me how it is that i haven't developed this earlier on in life?

people are interested now, i'm exposed to the public. and then there are these comments, their first impressions of me. sometimes i blush but more often than not i get really uncomfortable. i don't take compliments well. how am i suppose to react?

i thought it was difficult working with women, at least with women you maintain a sense of agency. i feel like the guys are just looking for any damn reason to speak to me, when i ask for help they say they "saved me". what the fuck? seriously?

let's get something straightened out; you are being paid to maintain and increase the flow of money to the company. in order to do that you have to be able to work with other people to keep customers happy. even though you are not always face to face, directly attending customers, your actions in the company do affect the outcome of the customer's sense of satisfaction. what does that mean? that means, in order to get shit done, you all have to work together riiiight? YOU ARE BEING PAID TO HELP ME YOU STUPID SHIT. I AM BEING PAID TO HELP YOU AS WELL. WE ARE BEING PAID TO SERVE THE PUBLIC.

so fuck your "Saves" and stop calling me your lady. this goes to alllll of you. "she" does not belong to you, "she" has a name, and this person that you're speaking of BELONGS TO NO ONE, NOT EVEN HERSELF. this person is not an object, so please stop making me feel like one.

i want none of them. none of them are good for me.nope. 

whenever someone says no, i want them even more. that's problematic. i get what i want, have gotten what i wanted and hope that this time, for my sake, do not. i do not see this ending well.

i feel so lonely. i speak but the words aren't being taken up by anyone around me, all i am to people is a smile and an ear. i want someone to really see me, all of me. i would like to be heard. i'm so fucked up, i mean really fucked up. all this work is making it easy to forget. all i want to do is forget. but that fear follows me everywhere, i trust no one. i'm always in a state of fear. i want to be free.

 

i would like to be free.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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