free.

there are decisions that i have made in the last few days that don't go with what's "right and fair". i haven't lied, i just haven't been asked anything so i haven't had the need to share. if they knew, fuck.

i feel like i'm in control, it feels amazing. i feel like there's this energy inside of me that only i know about. it doesn't fit on any spectrum, i don't know what it is. i can get anything i want, but i don't want to have anything. i want to be left alone to do my work. i don't want anyone to feel like i owe them a favor, a word, an explanation. i'll laugh, i'll smile, and if i feel like it i'll share what i'm feeling but i don't feel like i ought to anymore.

this feels different ha.

still, there are a few things keeping me tied to the ground, but hopefully that changes soon. i understand or at least have a better understanding of the flow of power. i think i can play with it a bit, i don't know if i want to tamper with it too much, i wouldn't want to commit to anything right now.

this reminds me of that book, the unbearable lightness of being.

steering clear of emotional ties, remaining weightless. i should have learned something from the book. i also think of a trailer i saw, i think i'll give it a watch, i have time now aha.

does it mean anything, when there's so much passion, so much energy, the need, holding on like that? to separate myself, my emotions, i feel them creep up again. the only way to keep them at bay is to spread myself out thin. stay busy. keep talking.

i do wonder if i've taken a weird turn. i would, could, am hurting a lot of people. i don't know how to feel. what to think. i can't pretend it's not bothering me. that sense of freedom is so alluring, i'm intoxicated. i was intoxicated. the smells, the liquor, the smoke. to let go is to shorten my life. to let go is to surrender that instant satisfaction that makes my heart race. that adrenaline, being lightheaded, and pretending for just a second that only i exist.

is that truly fulfilling? such a lonely place to stand, lay in.

127 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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