balance

november, what can i say? half a year ago i was joking about the election results to hide the anxiety i felt at there being a chance that trumpudo would win. now i find myself trying to convince a family member that unity is the only way we stand a chance at overcoming whatever obstacles the future may bring. i understand their frustration with other family members. not everyone was born with the ability to connect the dots on their own. the easy thing to do is to get mad and release the fury-it feels great too but oh man i can't tell you how much it clouds my judgement. i'm sure acting on anger hinders their vision as well. voting is one thing, but isolating a family member that can't understand the hypocrisy in their actions can lead to radical changes-who else will offer them the "support" they need, that approval they seek? they're sitting ducks, potential pawns that may be used to "legitimize" a hateful cause.

 

i feel like i should be talking to a deprogrammer.

 

i've had this headache for three hours. i'm so sleepy but the fucking pain is keeping me up.

what am i running away from? i run from one set of arms to another. i feel like i'm fleeing from my own shadow. am i really that ugly on the inside? there's been stagnant water within me for such a long time. i'm afraid of looking in. i'm scared. i am rotting from the inside. all the lies, i've become desensitized. i have to remember so much, and for what? why am i working so hard? these people only care about the skin on their back and down their pants. what do i care about? that's a great question. i can't answer that right now. i really don't know what i care about.

i smoke to forget everything, i don't want to feel everything anymore. when i smoke i rest. no, it dulls all of my senses and i feel like i can breathe. sleep. eat. at peace. finally. i wake up feeling regret, guilt, shame, and emptier than before.

there's my answer-i care about peace.

it's painful to breathe.

my position, i need to let go of unnecessary weight and move with the wind. i need to start from the inside and work my way out. 

i can't aim to break the wind, i must flow with the wind... 

inside out. once my insides are doing better i can address the outside..

157 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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