hm

there is no certificate, degree, or anything else that can change it. the pieces have fallen into place and now i watch in repulsion. what happened? how did we get here? what did we do? this is madness. no arrangement of words can change them. how easy it must be to resort to that. their chances of getting caught are slim. my vision shouldn't wander too far, I lie-I do it every day and i've done it for the last year. i've lied about so much. i'm afraid of dissapointing them. what would happen if they knew? no sleep for months and months. i'm about ready to break this pedastal.

is this what it is to be an adult? to accept the worst and live on with all these incongruencies? this is why everyone's sick. i want out. this isn't for me.the medication i'm on numbs everything. i'm disconnected from my body; the world could end tomorrow and i could care less. i don't deserve all of this. i lie. i've lied. i keep lying. i've become what i despise in so many ways.

i'll never forget the night. august 3rd. 12 am. 2012. i had a blind faith in this person. i actually believed they valued our friendship. he was my mentor. i thought he saw something in me. from then on its been the same stupid story over and over again. i've watched each person just stand their with their desire. disgusting. each time its happened a little light goes off and the world shrinks. how easy it is for them to take. fucking leeches.

i want to know if there's more to this than what i see. every part of me wishes for something more than this. all i have left is a shell of what used to be-the parts that make up the whole are no where to be found. if i don't have my word what the fuck do i have???? what makes me less repulsive???? 

 

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Entry List
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
revoked
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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