relapse

i was doing so well.

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remedy

the dreams are starting up again. it's all becoming too much. the doubts within me have so much weight. I'm having trouble breathing, I can't move. i can hear movement outside. i am not afraid.

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dry

i pick at the skin of my thumbs and sometimes i tear at the skin that surrounds my other nails. they're so dry. it feels good to rip it off and see the blood. any time i'm cooking or washing my hands i feel that burn and it puts me at ease. for a second or two, depending on the liquid, the stinging feeling puts me on my toes and i imagine my body secretes chemicals to relax my state. there's a fire in me; i control the site of pain.

when i went to have my wisdom teeth extracted, once under the gas i felt so free. i could hear and feel the metal instruments grind against my other teeth. i never wanted to come to. i was ready to endure the consequences. it disturbs me, all of this.

what i would really like to do now is staple my wrist to the desk. i hear someone working on drilling something into a wall. i'm imagining what it would look like to run the drill through my arm into the desk. i hear an instructor talking about blood spill procedures. the irony, right?

 

 

 

 

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moving on

this week i was asked to apply for a job; my bf's friend that had met me several months ago remembered me. it all happened so fast. tomorrow i'm going to call my supervisor and let her know, monday i'll let everyone else know it's my last day. i did feel welcomed for a bit, it's not worth it. i don't want to be under someone like that; i'm not a tool. when i'm ready i'll share more haha. i learned so much at this last job; kids are so bright and sensitive-genuine and if you give them the respect you would give adults(appreciate their differences and work with their temperament) they're fantastic to work with. the adults ahaha man, all i can say is look out for #1, you. that's what they're all doing. i'm actually sleepy. night.

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intentional.

 

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

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balance

this is what i'm in search of. i'm not home. my thoughts are everywhere. there is no order. i want to be in peace by my leg won't stop shaking and i can feel the fatigue. i just want to rest. as soon as i close my eyes the thoughts pile up and i don't remember my name.

what's my name?

this is what happens when you put things off. this is what happens when you're not ready. you're ready. no, this is what happens when you don't speak up. i don't know. 

i keep going back. i either go back or i find another vice. i'm going from person to person. if i can't have either i stop eating. 

control is what i'm after. change of perception is what i need. i'm not where i want to be. 

everytime i change my state I'm amazed at how screwed up my habits are. i can't believe this is me. i feel a whole lot of pain, shame, and guilt. 

all of this, wow, no one knows. there isn't a living soul that is aware of how dysfunctional i am. no one. i'm so afraid. what have i done. but no, get ready to smile. i am the rock. i am stable. i am organized. i am happy. i am confident. i am relaxed. i have a plan. i have a vision. my life matters. i have a purpose. 

fake it until you make it.

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fish

i dreamt about a goldfish. i was in the kitchen, looking over the pile of dishes on the table. my mother was standing on the other side of the table. she was talking and i don't remember what she was saying. i look over to my right and on a wooden cutting board i see a llive goldfish that was the size of my hand. i pick a bowl out of the pile and wash it and fill it with water. i put the goldfish in but it's not submersed. i try a few more bowls but none of them are big enough for the fish. i finally spot one and i see my mother had been using it and i tell her to help me save the fish. i grab the bowl, wash it, fill it with water and turn over to look for the fish. at this point the fish has completely dried up into a roll. i cry. i woke up crying, actually crying. i couldn't stop crying.

my nails are long again.

i need to make an appointment soon. i need to be enrolled in the class first. i need movement, change. what am i looking for? goals. i haven't even had time to enjoy the "fruits of my labor" and i'm already planning out for the next goal. i need to stay busy. i don't like wasting time. is this a waste? i'm feeling better. i'm talking. the words exist outside of me. i can come back to this and it will still exist. someone can find this, read this. the power of writing. what a privilege. i'm not being sarcastic at all. two languages. that's incredible. 

i was laughing so hard i cried. my eyes are not what they used to be.

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july

as usual i put myself in harm's way. boy how i love to play games. i've come to my senses. i can barely type with these nails. would you believe they're my natural nails? anyone that knew me as a child wouldn't bet on it. i'm so tired. i'm really kind, i feel like a tool. what i'd love to do is drop everything and move far away. i would love to not be anything to anyone and just start over. i would love to not be involved. detached. i'm too nice. damn. i juswt want to live for me. hahaha i owe the people around me so much. 

it was so nice during that time. all i did was run and i had one other close friend. that was it. i was so involved with my own things. i want that for me. i want that again.

 

i don't even know what to write anymore. it's been two weeks.

 

i think it was around 2 or 3am. this is an awful day. this day is awful for more than one reason.

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leaving

i left. yes. big surprise. to be honest, it was a really big surprise to all of my family. they were all so worried. i could no longer ignore the signs. there are red flags and then there are meteors. the sky and the ground were full of them. i mean, it was obscene. what the fuck was i doing?

 

this is what i've understood:

in order to stay distracted and accompanied, taken care of, and all that i endured all of the bullshit. 

when we played he was at times too aggressive, i'm so glad i never backed down and at many times outsmarted the jackass.

as soon as i was free from work or school he was organizing to meet up. if i even thought about making plans with my friends or family he would get upset. i was such a fool. he was trying to isolate me. he did.

during any given moment, plans had already been made the hour before, day before, week, month, year... i was always "late" on giving my "2 cents". 

he always kicked the dog in the rib cage, even if i protested... he grabbed the kitten by the head and threw him. 

he wanted me to move in. he wanted to keep an eye on me at all times.

he would surprise me at work if i didn't text him back.

he went to run the track just to see if he could catch me there, to make sure my friend indeed was female.

he wanted to keep me sedated. numb.

he showed up at 4:30am in front of my parent's house, because the last message i had sent him was at 11ish, even after i had told him i was at my friend's house. he said "time isn't relevant to me when it comes to us" some creepy bull.

he won't stop calling me, texting me. i don't sleep in my room because i feel like i'm being watched. i carry a baton and pepper spray just in case.  

 

i hope he reads this. all of these entries. this is fucking insane.

 

the first meal i made myself after having broken up with him, i cried. the first shower i took i cried. the first time i laid in my own bed after that day, i cried myself to sleep.

 

you don't understand, i'm free. if you think i'm going back to you. you are so mistaken. the things you said, the things you suggested. egocentric, self-centered, selfish little chicken shit. if being me means i can't achieve that glory you've been drooling over, so be it. i could care less. i'm at peace, i can sleep. the last year had been hell. you were awful. so very awful. you used me. i wanted company but you, you wanted clay. you wanted a punching bag. you wanted an escape goat. you wanted me for yourself, another creature you've caught with your brutish hands. go fuck yourself.

 

wow there's so much more. so much more. so much rage.

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jardin

i stopped a few days ago, i don't want to think about how long ago. i feel so much. sometimes i feel so great, elated. sometimes i feel so down. everything is always so extreme. i think i might be bipolar? maybe it's a product of my circumstances. whatever this is, it's fucking exhausting. i can think my way out of it, it's really a challenge.

where am i at and what do i want?

i find myself daydreaming about running away.

when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.

i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.

i am neither one or the other.

i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.

i run and play with people that i respect.

i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.

i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.

i am light, i float.

i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.

my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.

i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.

i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.

words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.

i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

214 hit(s) (0 comments) | Ignore the smoke  


Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
1st entry
167 post(s)