Life Goes Something Like This...

Bipolar. Borderline Personality Disorder. Complex PTSD.

I'm 23.

Two kids. Future Husband.

 

Follow me...

http://myspace.com/junkie86

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Narcissistic Junkie

Myspace is better.

Go there. Now, damn it.

Message me.

And I'll add you.--

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Future Much?

Nothing is really set in stone. There has been talk of in the near future going to Myrtle Beach for a well deserved vaction with my hunnie. And I plan to marry this man in a couple of years. Nothing can be more perfect. I'm in love.--

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The Life Files

I've been thinking about all the other guys that obviously weren't good enough. And I think about how either they screwed up or I screwed it up for them. I've grown a lot through the years and I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I know what path to follow in life I just don't know how to get there yet and I haven't quite made it there either. Life is a very slow process. It will take me sometime to get everything in order. I know even right now that me and Lee can be together for a long time. I mean we both have growing to do but I know in time everything falls right where it's suppose to be. And now I do actually believe my life has some purpose that I wasn't just put here to be depressed and to fail. I was created for some reason. I don't know what that reason is but I'm starting to realize life happens no matter how bad it is..... shit happens. It's just our choice of how we deal with everything. There's a lot in my past that I know if things we're different and I didn't have loving people around me and my strong will power I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have gave everything up for someone else, they would have won; not me. This is my life and I control my future. It's not for anyone else to control. Life is filled with two-way streets, dead-end roads, bumps and curves. We just have to learn along the way of how to deal with everything we're given or thrown. I've figured out a lot by living my life so far. I know I have a lot to learn. But what no one understands is I've been through shit, I've seen hell. I've been up so close to hell I felt the fire burn my skin. I'll tell you one thing me and my best friend both have seen our own share of hell, we're still living. It's been hard but we have found a way to get through everything together. And I know there are going to be things in the future that we're going to either get from or give to someone else. We're bound to do great things together. And we have men with us to help us when we fall just like we've picked up each other every time before. We're growing up and living. I just want people to have some idea that there's more to life that just the bullshit. More to life than 'she said, he said', more than who's screwing who or who wants to, more than rumors, more than the pay check you bring home, more than the things at your job, more than anger, more than fusisng, more than everything. There are things in life that leave your heart in a million pieces and leaves your soul rotted. Things you can't just fix with forgetting or ignoring. Life is deeper than what you see on the surface. Just wait and think before you say certain things to people. You might hurt them if you don't understand what they've been through. Just remember there is always someone who has it worse than you and always someone who has it better.--

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Life isn't so funny anymore.

There are so many loose ends in my life. Things I need to tie up but I just won't and can't. So many things has happened in my life some great other's not so great. Most I can't explain. I wish I could feel all of the love I deserve from everyone. My future isn't promised to me obviously and everything can change in one second. I guess I just want so much and that's why I'm getting let down so hard. I thought life would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I want people to support me and care. I guess I have a fucked up thought of how people should show me they care. And it's not going according to the plan. I think lust and love are two different things and everyone should be mature enough to tell them apart. And everyone should be adult enough to act only on love or lust. Please just be honest with me that's all I've ever wanted. I just have so much in my head and I think it's just my emotions of every other problem trying to control everything else. I can't tell if it's my mind or my heart or just my crazy emotions. Damn it.--

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Things Have Went On I Don't Understand.

God I didn't think anyone could love me as much as he does. And I don't know how I ever deserved all of this. Lee knows everything about me. I've told him everything from my life and he still stays around. We closer than I've ever been with anyone in my life. I'm usually so distant but not with him. I'm totally comfortable with him. I love them way he looks at me, like he wants me and will want me forever more. God it's wonderful. I've never been this happy or so much in love in my entire life!--

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These days I show you.

I fuckin' love Lee to damn death. I swear it is perfect between us. I feel like we take care of each other. Like we're both in this relationship 100%. And I've never felt as comfortable, secure, and so in love than I am now. I always tend to fuck everything up in a relationship but this time I have no second thoughts or anything. I feel like this is what I've been waiting for my whole life, someone like him just to complete me in every way possible. It's like he takes all the bad away and all I see is either how to work everything out or only the positive. It's like the whole world is perfect. I respect all of the advice and his opinions. And I trust him with all of my heart. And I have a problem with trust. I really do. It's like all of my worries go out the fuckin' door. And I just love being around him. He is so wonderful to me. And I don't think words can ever fully express the love I have for him. I think the shit I've been through has just made me deserve this. And now since I can love myself I've found out I am able to love someone else.And his mom and s-mom are wonderful to me. I know they don't fake it. I went with them to take him to the hosiptal when he was sick. He stayed with me when I was sick. I could barely even move and he took care of me. And the way he was with me I knew that he really did care. No one has cared about me that much.I've never been treated this good. I actually do deserve something good. And I have it now.--

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Watch out for the Washing Machine size Hail.

We're moving. We found a different house. This one is in hamlet. 307 Oak Ave. We're moving in the 15th of this month. I can't wait. I have most of my shit packed up and we're moving boxes over there tomorrow. And I'm trying my best to buy shit. Thank god I get paid Friday after we move in. B/c that helps a lot.--

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On the move again.

The whole gang is moving out. And evenutally my baby, Lee will move in with me. But I don't want to rush that. Although I would love to sleep all night with him. And be able to sleep naked with out everyone walking through my room. That really bothers me. This way I'll have to guest house. SO it will be better. We've already paid the first months rent and the deposit and all that shit. So by Monday we'll be moved. Or close to moving in.

I'm so happy with my boyfriend. I didn't ever think anyone could make me this happy. And I didn't ever think I could love soneone as much as I love him. I'd di for him b/c I love him so much. He's so good for me.Wonderful!--

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When single life proves to be good.

When someone surprises the hell out of you. And you can't keep from flirting back. And you can't wait til you actually go out with them b/c he really asked. He didn't really hint around liking you, he actually came out and said so. When you're trying to figure out if you do actually want to date him and have a relationship with him.

Do I want to waste my time on someone that I think likes me or the guy I know likes me? Grrrr....

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If I could only love me.

I want someone who will love me but I have to love myself first. I understand this now. I have to take everything slow. So maybe this time it may be worth it. Be friends with him before you want to sleep with him. I have to remind myself of this everytime I look at him.

I feel like a whore b/c of the one and a half-night-stand. Do I really want to be that easy? I guess I thought he really liked me. But he didn't like me enough to even want to understand me. He never once took interest in my poetry, music, or art. It's pretty sad that I was wishing for so much more than I could have ever got from him. And it was just stupidity that got me so heart broken. And I could kick myself every day for that. I want no pity for this mistake. I guess I thought more of the attention than anything else. Someone paid me the attention I thought I deserved and in reality I didn't deserve that at all. The lust in a person's eyes when they look at me makes me sick. I really hate it.--

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My heart so broken doesn't care for you.

Robert come by last night to say good bye, he's leaving for Ocean Isle beach. He's moving. I couldn't even face him. I had this dream that he came over and things didn't go so well, he like flipped out in my dream. I just didn't feel good about seeing him so I followed my gut and told him to leave. And the guy from work which I had sex with didn't call me for a while and wondered why I was upset. I didn't even tell him I was upset b/c it didn't really matter to me. He's just a cheater that's all. It wasn't anything to brag about either. So I was a little tore up but that's just b/c I felt a little something for him in my heart. But it's alright. I'm over that. Thank god.--

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The guy that may complete me.

This guy from work, Marty, likes me. I like him too. We're talking now. He has a girlfriend but for some reason I don't care. I really do like him. And he's good to me. Very sweet.--

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The time is never found only lost.

My old ways have only left and I'm here with a empty shell of memories of what I used to do. Before I had anyone in my life. When I was just a no one and I was perfected and nothing. Just a no one. With no soul. Now I'm full with my newly bought soul.--

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Those Christmas presents I need to buy.

I've only started with Christmas. Blah. It's getting too close for it's own good. Today at work was good. Someone from myspace knew who I was. He come in today and was like are you Narcissistic Junkie. I'm like "Yea?". Then he sent me a message that he was sorry if he was so werid. It actually wasn't werid.

I love my baby. She got home late from my house and now she's grounded and can't talk to me on the phone which sucks. Very sad. Thank god for e-mail and myspace.--

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Those days I can escape and think about you.
Feeling: artistic

I really do love her. She's my world and I just get lost in her eyes. I really miss her and I want to see her. I didn't go to work today b/c I felt like shit. And I woke up late and didn't want to rush to get to work. Damn it. Hopefully we'll get to spend time together when she's off from school and before daddy gets back.

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Oh yea daddy's fine and he loves China. He said the food was spicy but so good. And the people there didn't drive so well, so fast and wild like there's no rules besides stopping at stop lights. And he thinks China is so pretty. It's nice that I heard from him. I do miss him.--

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I'm in love with you and your kisses.

It's been so great. I'm going to mom's house for almost 3 weeks tomorrow night. Daddy is leaving Tuesday. He'll be gone til Christmas. It's okay. I'll miss him but 'you only live once, don't you?' Hopefully I'll get to see my baby while I'm at mom's. God I love her. She's so good to me. I've wrote so many poems this week. They are all wonderful poems. I'll post later.--

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Lyrics- Tegan and Sara
Feeling: calm

Tegan and Sara- Clever Meals

They're all desperate for love and affection

No they're desperate for you,

And as you sit up there

All sly and *sure I want it*

Does anyone think as strongly

As you do

I'm quite sure we'll find one another

In a place that's better then this

A time filled with us and we

Send up our shooting stars and comets

Yeah we make our little gestures

Yes we make our little comments

This song is my anthem

And it makes up my ideas

And who I am

As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals

All my cleverly planned meals

I'm stripped and vital and I see rules that almost fit

So if I voice my opinion will you stay and sit

And as I stand here screaming in despair

I said yes this is my life and yes you should care

(yes this is my life and yes you should care)

This song is my anthem

(close your eyes)

And it makes and it makes up my ideas

And here I am

(and you'll free your mind)

As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals

(you're free to fly)

All my cleverly planned meals

( just say close your eyes)

(and I will free your mind, you're free to fly)

Hardly happy at all

And I'm ready to take the fall

Cause we pay for the stupid things we've done

We come from

Can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep

(can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep)

Will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap

(will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap)

So if I speak more clearly if I make more sense

(so if I speak more clearly if I make more sense)

Will you just shut your mouth you won't come across quite so dense

And so close your eyes

Free your mind, you're free to fly

Close your eyes

I free my mind, I'm free to fly

I said close your eyes

And may you free your mind

You're free to fly

I said close your eyes

And may you free your mind

You're free to fly

She said close your eyes

And free your mind, you're free to fly

She said close your eyes

Free you mind, free to fly

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

I will free your mind, you're free to fly

This song is my anthem,

And it makes up my ideals

And who I am

As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals

All my cleverly planned meals

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I love this feeling.

I love the way she stares at me with that look on her face. Like she's just admiring me like a work of art. I love the way she kisses me when I want it the most. Like she knows me some how. I love how she makes everything disppear when I'm with her. Like she magically freezes time. I love the way she touches me and lights me on fire. Like she can't get enough of how my body feels. I love how she holds my hand. Like she'll never let go. I love how she smiles when I look at her. Like she knows all of what I'm thinking. And most of all I love being with her. Like nothing in the world will make me feel the way she does.--

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The days that I think about.
Listening to: Tegan and Sara- All You Got

I wrote a poem but it sucks. I was I can get my writing back to the way it was before it was ruined. Damn shit. But I have all of those others poems that I've wrote. They are really beautiful poems. Isn't that great? lol.

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I think Lowes is beating me up when I turn my head. B/c I got a cut on one hand and the other one is bruised. Oh well. I just hate how people think just b/c I'm a girl I can't lift a fuckin' a box with a fan in it. Oh whatever. Just b/c I'm little. But I love LaCourtney and Sandra more than anyone else at Lowes besides Jason, Kevin and Steve. Not dateable guys of course. lol.

I talked to Danielle on the phone she's in the hospital b/c she had her baby. I can't wait til I get to see him. So cute, I bet.

Damn I have all these feelings and shit. I just don't know how to express them. But it's quite alright. I'll figure out something. I hope. I've always felt so strongly for her and I just don't know how to express it now. When it matters. I want to write wonderful poems and shit. But nooo.. Damn it.--

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The wind I protect you from.

Thanksgiving was great. I mean damn. I figure out what real feelings are when you like someone. It's like a kiss can save you from the world. To take your mind off of the pain. And just to be with that person what feelings like not longer enough. Forever wouldn't even be enough. I love feeling this way.--

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107 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Help me be that person I need to be.
Listening to: 2pac- How do u want it?

How can I be alright and just not feel anything? I mean I almost married him. I can't forget him, I just don't want to be with him. I've been thinking about what he said and he really did hit a nerve... That I always end a relationship after like 4 months. I just can't be happy, ever. I just can't stay with anyone long enough to feel anything. I've cut all of my feelings off and I can only feel for three people sexually and that's it. There's going to be another person I might can be with and actually feel for. But I've already hurt this person once and I'm scared I may hurt them again. I always fuck up and I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Please help me someone.--

93 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Kiss me goodnight.

I'm single now.-I broke up with Robert a little while ago.--

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A birthday present wrapped so tightly.

My birthday was the best. I got a pocket book from my grandma Britton and money from her and Jeff. I went to go get my tattoo but Jerry was booked up b/c these two guys that are brothers paid a 1,000 dollars for the shop for the day. So horrible. But I'm going tomorrow to get it and my hair cut. Yay! I'm so happy b/c I celebrated my birthday about all week. From Monday when I had my party, then last night, today, and for a little bit tomorrow. Robert got my a gold necklace with a 'I love you' charm. But Daddy got me a dvd player. Oooo I love it. I had a wonderful brithday today!--

58 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Everything had it's place in my life.

I wanted so much for myself, to write and go to college. To make it better I was a year older. I'm not any wiser I don't think I wrote a lot today mostly random things. I was working in the Garden Center at Lowes today. I watched Gilmore Girls when I got to mom's and it got me thinking when I came home. (Story time)

I walk into this house of disarray wondering why I'm so sick and why I feel so bad. I've worked today having to struggle through new things and not feeling all that great. I look around inside of my house here at daddy's and I just wonder where have I been storing myself. Where did I loose myself at and how can I find her? I was cleaning off the coffee table and seen a wedding magazine that I didn't cancel so I threw it across the room. I hate feeling this sad. And I also seen a college thing to get my college done online and my thing from Pembrooke. I just started crying b/c I felt so sick, I'm going to be 19 tomorrow and my life isn't where it's suppose to be. I should be in college instead of working a deadend job but I like working there. I should be working somewhere useful like a paper or something. I want to write that's where my dreams start and I'm useless just wasting away and not doing anything for daddy around the house. I stayed at mom's last night for my party and didn't even call him. I shouldn't be this way. All about myself and not caring about anything else besides my job. I need to get my shit together and start putting my life back together. Another thing is I was going to marry Robert and now I choose not to and I have all these things that remind me of the wedding. I see kids every day at work and I think it could've been me if I could just be happy for once.. But I never can be happy b/c I don't work at it. Not as much as it's needed to be worked at. I have dreams and goals for my life but I'm just wasting away doing nothing.--

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The poems on the back of my receipt paper.
Feeling: insignificant

I actually like working. It makes me feel pretty special. I got my paycheck Thursday. And I bought some new clothes and a new tongue ring that says "Go Fuck Yourself". It's great. I've been writing a lot at work between checking out people. It's nice to be able to write too. I haven't really wrote a lot until I got the job. I just feel a lot different now that I'm working. I'm not the same as I was before. I have a bit of maturity and a little spark where I still know how to have fun and still do my job. I do work pretty hard. It's good.--

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Happy Birthday to Me! (in 7 days)

My party is going to be Monday for my b-day. So totally awsome. I'm going to be 19 next wednesday. I can't believe it's right around the corner. Oooooo..... It's going to be so cool. If you want to come I'll give you the details.--

99 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Drama with the Life
Feeling: neutral

Mom's selling her car to Robert so it's gone from here. Oh well I'm kinda glad to see it go. Me, Charles, Kelly and mom played darts in our new game room (shop). We're going to be painting in there as soon as Kelly comes back with the paint. lol. I don't really look forward to see someone today. It's all just getting old. I'm getting tired of shit. I just can't take it anymore. Blah!--

98 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
This Working Girl Has to Get Paid

I've been off for the past 3 days. It's nice to have days off but I'd rather be working. I have to go back to work tomorrow. But it's 5-9:30 so I just know that I'll see more people I know or atleast more kids. You do not know how cute they are in Lowes. lol. So adorable! And I'll have less old, slow people. B/c they come more often in the mornings. But in the afternoon evening I doubt they'll come. Anyway I'm going to mom's tonight so I'll be there if you need me.--

56 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Break my leg off and hit me with it.

I broke off the engagement with Robert. It just wasn't right. I just don't know what I was thinking when I did it. I guess I wasn't thinking when I said yes or was even talking about it with him. I need my life free of commitment like that. We're still together for now. I just don't know anymore. I have this funny feeling in my gut that something is going to happen with us. It might be big but then again it might be a really small something. This means; no more wedding plans, no more worrying about the money, no more sappy I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you bullshit, no more need for a ring, no more worrying about where we're going to live, no more of his mom, no more nothing. I'm done with this bullshit. I just don't want to be in this situation anymore. I just don't feel it at all and want out.--

Sheryl Crow: My Favorite Mistake

I woke up and called this morning

The tone of your voice was a warning

That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in

I looked at the clock when you creep in

It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

Did you know when you go

It's the perfect ending

To the bad day I was just beginning

When you go all I know is

You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me

They watch you pretend to adore me

But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover

She'd be unlike any other

Until your guilt goes up in flames

You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever

Even when you stay together

I don't need forever after

It's your laughter won't let me go

So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell

You were the only one

That I ever loved

Now everything's so wrong

Did you see me walking by?

Did it ever make you cry?

You're my favorite mistake

You're my favorite mistake

You're my favorite mistake

99 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
A Working Girl has to get paid.

I did get the job at Lowes. Seen a old teacher of mine I had in 8th and 9th grade for two different subjects. lol. I love working. It's great. I'm offically a Level 1 cashier. Isn't that great! I like to think so. I got my schedule today and it's looking promising. Yay. I'm off sat. and mon. I'll post the rest of that shit later. lol.--

73 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Downloading the music from your heart.

I downloaded so many songs. I bet it's about 100 songs. I'm lovin' Jack Off Jill, Tegan and Sara, and My Ruin. Great. Me and Robert are great. I'm so glad. Best relationship ever! I went to an interview for Lowes Monday. I'll hear back Thursday. I had a drug test also. I think I got the job. I'll be a cashier. So glad! I'm really happy everything is going perfect. My wedding date is now June 17th 2006. It got moved up. Sorry you guys we are so looking forward to getting married we had to move it up and b/c I'd be starting school in August and that would be too much shit. And I want the whole springish/summer wedding! yay--

99 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Those depressed days are found out.

I have been diagnosed with Depression. I'm going to continue my appiontments next year when I get some insurance. But I'm so glad it's finally been said by a professional. Yay!--

96 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Things I'm thinking of involve you and me.

For the first time I'm not depressed and I have someone to love; that loves me too. All of my dreams are coming true. I'll never give this up. I never thought any of this would happen. I'm so amazed.

I'm going to mom's today to stay the week with her. If anyone calls that's where I'll be. Me and daddy are grilling out today. Yum. And I have ideas for a collage. I'm finally working on my art. I'm so glad. Oh Well Have a Nice Day, I know I will.--

84 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Fun days with food.

I had so much fun yesterday. We went to my mom's b/f's aunt's house(Melba) for Amanda's sister's b-day. I'm going to get Melba to cut my hair. She has a beauty shop in her house it's wonderful. Mighty cool. I think I'm going to take my ditigal camera over to my mom's more aften to get pictures of everyone. It is so fun over there b/c I don't really have to worry about anything. I mean I don't over here at daddy's house either and I do like my time alone but I'm always busy and never bored over there. Over here I watch tv, get on the internet, and eat; that's it. Pretty boring if you ask me. Well I'm happy with my baby. lol. He's great.--

NPD(Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

87 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Did you hear that?

This is like the most important thing that has ever went on in my life. I'm glad to have someone that really cares about me enough to call just to make sure I'm okay, to take me anywhere I want to eat, to hug me so tightly like he'll never let go; he even knows me well enough to know what's wrong, to finish my thoughts or sentences, and to always be there when I need him. I really haven't ever felt like this about anyone in my life. And I'm so glad it Robert. I've known him since I was 11 years old and I always liked him. He was a very good friend to me and helped me out a lot with school and different things. This is like a dream come true to finally be with him and it's unreal how I'm going to be his wife in almost a year. There is apart of my life that needed this fulfillment. Now I have that and I'm so happy and blessed to have someone like him to be with me.--

80 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Lovely Love

I got my engagement ring. I love it. We're starting to plan the wedding. This is the first time I've had anything this important in my life. It's wonderful. The set date for the wedding is Oct. 21, 2006. I can't wait.--

76 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Surprise!

Nothing much is been going on here. I got kicked out of school. Oh well.--

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Isn't this life coming back together nicely?

I'm doing better now. It's all weird. We stayed up til 4:00 am this morning. God it was fun just sitting around talking and laughing, I didn't even think about anything. It was like nothing mattered anymore. I lose myself in conversations and movies and I forget about my problems for a little while. It's wonderful. Me and Robert are still doing great. It's perfect. I'm meeting his parents Saturday. We went out to eat last night at Peking Wok. It was so fun. I actually ate a lot of chinese food. Yum. We might even go out tonight. I'm not sure yet!--

68 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
A little bit of news

I'm out of school until the hearing Tuesday @ 2:30. I'm so freaking nervous about this. I have people helping me through it. I apologized to him today and I'm starting to want to forgive myself. It's so hard to live with something like this. Damn it.--

78 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I wished this away..But it's not a dream.

I still don't know if I'm going to be charged or not and I still don't know about school. This was all a big mistake on my part. I wasn't meaning to hurt anyone. But it happen. I know this now I'm never doing cocaine, no weed, and no drinking ever again. If this can get me into this much trouble I don't need it.

I finally did eat some food. I felt like I didn't deserve it b/c I didn't know how TJ was doing and I was so scared. I'm still like a sitting duck b/c I know nothing.--

75 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I beg death to take me now.

Daddy didn't trust me to stay alone so I'm at my mom's. I want so much just to die. I feel like Hilter. I feel like killing myself right now. I might be charged with attempted murder and kicked out of college. This is serious shit. A friend I gave a cigarette to with cocaine on it had a heart attack. I can't even eat or sleep or think straight. I'm not ever eating again. I don't deserve to be comfortable or alive right now.--

78 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Those insights of caring for me.

Today has been great. Daddy finally said Robert could come over Saturday if he was off. I'm so glad b/c I really think Robert is wonderful to me. Daddy said that too, that Robert might be the guy for me. How wonderful is that!--

65 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Being that person who saves me from myself.

I've been cleaning and chillin around talking to mom. Being crazy. I have a good day today. I talked to Tara and TJ in psychology class. When I got there this morning I met up with Tara, Kayla, and Jessica until my first class started which is psychology. It was a great lecture today. How fun. I wrote a paragraph about my "career goals" in Writing class. Math class was alright but I've had better. I have to defintely review my shit in there. lol. Tomorrow I go to school at 11:00 so I can sleep a bit more. Yay. I can't wait til I can see Robert. I do miss him a lot.--

68 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Friends that Spin the Web of Life.

I can't wait til Robert calls. When he gets off at 7:30 he'll call. lol. I miss him a lot. This week is going to be hard b/c I doubt I'm going to get to see him. He is off Friday. But I know daddy won't let him pick me up or anything. Damn it. But I am so happy. I have my b/f and my friends that are wonderful! T.J, Kayla, Tara, Emily, Ashleigh, Chris, Eric, Josh, and Britany. I just love everyone. So great!--

70 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Apple Juice, Spider Webs, and Time

Today was great, Miranda come over before I woke up and she got in the bed together. We started talking about everything. I caught her up on my life and she did the same. I love her as if she was my baby sister but she's just my consin. She's wonderful. In no more than a month she'll be 11 year old. How sweet. We walked to Food Lion eariler, it was fun. We got a Dole apple juice.. so good.

Robert is going to come over in a little while. He bought me a few shirts and some pants last night. Gotta love that. lol. I really like him a lot and I hope nothing messes up our bond we have created. That would really hurt me. I don't think I could handle being hurt like that again. I've never felt like this before about anyone. I don't know what it is. I just care so much about him, I love spending time with him, and I love talking to him, I miss him when I'm away from him, I think about him a great deal, I talk about him a lot, I don't care what people think when they see us together, I'm happy with him and that's all that really matters anyway.

College is going great. I'm getting to know people that I wouldn't have known otherwise. It's so different than high school. I never thought I could be this excited and happy about going to school. But college is a lot different than anything else. Social standings don't matter anymore. If you're punk, rock, skater, white, black, young, old, gothic, hip-hop, red neck, ghetto, prepy, egoticist, narcissistic, dorky, a pot head, or an alcholic or what your major or interest are; You're still welcome to sit with anyone and talk to everyone. That's why I love college.--

69 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
School Life

We had so much fun last night we got so many cheese burgers from McDonalds. It was great. Me and TJ had break together again today. Talking about how girls can be psycho. So damn funny. And we talked about psychology class. Smoked a lot. lol. I got a book from the libaray. I love my writing teacher Pridgen. She's great. I feel like she understands me some how. Since I love words so much. It's great. Wonderful.--

93 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Great Days are Here and Ahead Forever.

I'm a college student finally. Wow. I love it. It's great at RCC. I love my professors and my classes. Everything is perfect. And Robert is so good to me. It's unbelieveable sometimes. He means so much to me. I do hate to say this usually but I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. He makes me so happy. I really love being around him, talking with him, and just staring at him. He's wonderful.--

What happened to my friends?

74 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Changing my lifestyle like I change my clothing style

I'm going to mom's tomorrow. Going to church tomorrow night. To talk to Amanda and hear her speak. Going to school Monday. It's great. And yes I said church. Unbelieveable huh? But I'm just wanting to learn all about Christianity and I want to be a better person. I just want to be my happiest and I think I'll find it with God. That's all. I'm curious about it and I want to learn more.--

65 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
I start my life Monday morning.

I actually start school monday. I'm so excited that I'm finally going to college. I'll put up my schedule later. It's wonder. The earliest class I have is 9:00 and I'll get out at 1:00 for 3 days and the the other 2 days I'll get out at 12:00. This is going to be wonderful.--

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
A New Chapter in My Life..

Well I got to get my class schedule from RCC Wednesday. Daddy's taking me b/c he wouldn't let Robert take me. Damn it. For some weird reason I want nothing but spicy food. (Period coming I guess). I'm piging out on Favor twist honey bbq. These things are so good. And I have beef jerky. Yum. My poetry is going well. And I'm so glad. I finally got through my writer's block. Thank god.

Secretly I want to live right. Go to church, be respectful, not cuss, not smoke, and things like that but what would come of me if I did change. That wouldn't be real. I'd be like everyone else. I don't want that for me. I might change later in life but I'm not ready to change right now.

I've learn through watching Def Poetry on HBO that words are power. No matter if you can relate or not. Words are powerful. Even if you don't understand what they've been through you can feel what they felt and finally relate to them. Actually before I wouldn't watch it b/c I thought it was stupid and not really poetry but it is. And Bad Boys of Comedy is fucking funny as hell. I love all of the comedians.

I had a good day today. Just chillin around by myself with t.v. and music and the computer of course. I liked it. So fun.--

70 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Poem- Words

"Words"

With my cigarettes,

The smoke surrounds me,

Words come out,

And I feel freedom,

The words that speak,

In the silence of the night,

Mixed with the smokey air,

The words I can't feel,

Until you touch me,

Just a hand on my face,

The people you see,

The voices you hear,

Unless you're blind and deaf,

Like the words;

That come out on paper.

82 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
A day off.

Of course Robert called on his break to check up on me. I'm eating Sun Chips out of the bag and drinking the rest of my Pepsi out of the bottle. This is my day to myself. It feels good to be alone for a while. With only my computer, Nirvana, and my words floating about.--

76 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
The words you say mean so much.

Me and Robert are so happy. For the first time in a while I'm happy. We went out to eat last night (Peking Wok). Then we went to Wal*Mart and Goodies. He tried to buy me shoes and a pocket book but I wouldn't let him. He did order me a cd. Marilyn Manson: Lest We Forget. Of course he didn't ask me if I wanted. It was our first date when we went to the movies I told him I didn't have it. So he got it for me. He actually listens. lol.

Although I don't have daddy's blessing on this relationship I think it'll work. I'm starting college soon and daddy thinks I'll drop out but I know I won't. I've worked way too hard to get this far I can't turn back now. It kinda hurts that he said that but I guess I'll be okay. I just want to prove him wrong. Hell I did graduate when he thought I wasn't. I guess I can do this too.

No, me and Robert haven't had sex of any sort. And I'm going to. I'm not ready for that. And it's way too soon for sex. It complicates everything. And it's wonderful just to sit around or ride around and talk. I like talking to Robert. I can see he really cares for me. And it's wonderful. I am happy. I just wish daddy would give him a chance and not ruin this for me. I deserve to be happy after all I've been through over the years. Depression has ate away a lot for me and now since I'm out of the depression I can finally live. I want to live, go to college, get a job, and maybe settle down. And I want daddy to support me. I just need that from him. Daddy is my world and I want to see him happy. And I need happiness too. I think this is my happiness and I love it.--

69 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I'm gone to mom's at 9:00

I'm staying for the week be back Sunday!--

68 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Slipknot- Danger, Keep Away

"Danger, Keep Away"

We too feel alone

That place in my mind

Is that space that you call mine

That place in my mind

Is that space that you call mine

Where have I been all this time?

Lost enslaved fatal decline

I've been waiting for this to unfold (Good)

The pieces are only as good as the whole

Severed myself from my whole life

Cut out the only thing that was right

What If I never saw you again

I'd die right next to you in the end

That place in my mind

Is that space that you call mine

That place in my mind

Is that space that you call mine

I won't let you walk away

Without hearing what I have to say

Without hearing what I have to say

Without hearing what I have to say

I feel this song. I think it makes sense between me and Robert.

58 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
The kisses that are leftovers

My date went perfect. The Devil's Rejects is the coolest movie. And the kisses are wonderful. That hand on my leg was innocence and wonderful all at the same time. We talked about everything that might excite us both. And I want to see you again!--

88 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I'll be out today.

I'm going to mom's to shop and to go out to the movies. YAY! Well wish me luck.

47 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
My bangs say things to me.

Well I cut my own hair last night. Hey I wanted bangs so that what I did. Made bangs. Ain't me special. Yay.--

76 hit(s) (16 comments) | Say.  
It should be better today than yesterday.

I jammed my damn toe last night. It still hurts like hell. Ouch. But other than that I have stupid butterflies in my tummy about "you know who". I'm going shopping maybe tomorrow and going out Saturday. Oh my god, I just can't wait. I'm so excited.--

44 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
The phone call that changed my life.

Well. What can I say. I seen an old friend in Wal-mart the other day and we talked on the phone. A little catch up since it's been so long. I did miss this old friend a bit. And I'm happy I got to talk with them.--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Everything is right here.
Listening to: Ying Yang Twins- Wait

I'm back home. Yay. I'll stay a week with mom, a week with dad and so on. It's better this way. This way no one is left out. God, I've been eating all sorts of junk food. I'm trying to get back healthy looking. I hate being this skinny. Blah. I was looking through my pictures when I was about 16 and I actually looked good. Now I look like a skinny stick. Oh well. I have to go to RCC about 6:00 to take the test so Mom is picking me up at 5:00 or 5:30. I'll be back home maybe about 7:30 or 8:00. (I'll e-mail you sharon and call you Tommorrow.)--

82 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Prozac Nation the Movie.

Omg. But if you see the movie please read the book. It's more in the book than the movie. It was really good. I actually wrote poems 2 yesterday and 2 the day before. I was so happy. I really liked the idea of me writing again. I don't know where it went but I'm glad it's back. I'm so bored. I need something to do. Can you believe two different people are interested in me? Interesting huh?--

94 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
I might be leaving you all behind..

I'm thinking very seriously of moving in with mom. But I'm not sure b/c I know daddy doesn't want me to. It's really hard on me and I don't know what to do. HELP!--

80 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Those times you're confused.

I'm staying at mom's for a week. Daddy redid my computer since mom took her's and I didn't have road runner no more since it was networked. But I'm okay now. Although my stupid computer doesn't even seem like mine anymore. It looks horrible. I hate it. Whatever. A lot of things are going through my mind right now and I don't even have the time to think. I just don't know. (Call me at grandma's sharon)--

73 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
The white walls of my life...
Feeling: tenacious

We worked on my room at mom's. I'm staying with her all week. But I'm going to help Sharon and Kevin with their house. Since they help me and mom a lot with grandma's house. (Put me to work) We bought covers, stencils, paint, light blub for kitchen, rug, pillows, shades, curtains, more brushes and rollers, and I think that's it. I had fun today acting crazy and talking to mom about the stuff we needed to talk about. I was a friend today... she really needed to talk about feelings and things. That made me feel good. And I was glad.--

67 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Is this all there is?

Well I talked to Danielle today, Seen Sharon, Kevin, and the baby, Moved a bed & other junk, watch Six Feet Under, and That was my day. I should redo this journal. lol. Isn't my life so interesting? Nope, I didn't think so.--

82 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Those Peanuts are wonderful

I found some old welches jelly jars with peanuts on them. They were at Connie's. And I found a 1985 Monopoly that is called Advance to Boardwalk. And I found a bed I like. I felt so good. I love that bed. It's for mom's house. I'm going to redo my room at my house too. We're cleaning out my room at my mom's house tommorow. God I was so tired last night I fell asleep on the couch. It's really uncomfortable but I was tired. I'm going to start collecting things and stuff.--

86 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
The bed that is mine again.

I finally "have" my own room at my mom's. I mean it was always there but I actually stayed in it. I actually had fun over there. Me, her, and her b/f watched movies. Diary of a Mad Black Woman and White Noise. They were both good movies although I didn't last through White Noise. B/c I went to sleep. But it was fun anyway. I've been away from home too long. hehe. It was all fun.

88 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Paint the walls of my heart.
Listening to: Sappy love songs.

I thought a lot today, I spent the day with mom painting her bedroom and going to the store with her. I think I'm more interested in guys right now than girls. I don't know why but I know I'm still bisexsexual of course but I want a long term relationship something serious. I really want to get married and have children later.. next 5 years maybe. I just wish I had listened to my heart before I hurt the love of my life.. I was so stupid back in 9th grade. Why did I fuck it up?--

87 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Hurry up let's leave now..

I chilled with Markie and Keith today. It was fun. Then I helped daddy move the tv and dvd/vhs thing to mom's house. She's getting more things this coming up w/e. I really can't wait so I'll have more room for all my junk. Yay. She says doesn't want the trailer. So I don't know what's going on. Blah!--

56 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Tell your damn story right..

How about talking to someone that hasn't seen you naked is wonderful. I do really like him. It's wonderful just to think about the important things. I'm not ready for that sex before you get into my heart. I'm done with that shit. It just goes badly. He knows I'm bisexual.. and I'm very honest with him. It's wonderful!--

88 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Cocking that gun to kill you.

Me and daddy went to the gun store. I had a sandwich at grandma's house. I like guns. Jeremy called me eariler. He wanted to know what I'm doing this w/e. I'm not sure how this "dating" thing works... Umm. I mean we're not together or anything it would be just chillin around with his friends. ummm.. Sounds good huh? I tend to think so. Please give me something to do. Me and daddy are going to the zoo Sat. so if he wants to go out Sat. I can't.--

79 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Backgrounds

This background is of me... photoshopped. Of course. And so is [safetypinstory] background. It's started out being a story of me but it didn't end up that way...--

58 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Lacking of that extra spice...

I talked to this guy(Jeremy) on myspace last night. He added me on my AIM. That was great. I finally got AIM. I was so excited. Since it's my computer I can put anything on here that I want. So ha!

I talked to Belinda on the phone a little while ago and she ignored me. The only thing she was doing is holding the phone and talking to everyone else. I guess she's the one I have to worry about just trying to get into my pants. I guess that's all I am to her. Damn it! I guess I'm better off with guys anyway!--

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91 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Is there a conspricy in your pants or...

...Are you just happy to see me?

Mom tired to get me to move in with her. Damn it. But of course I told her I didn't want to then her "boy friend" told her that I was 18 and not a baby anymore. And that I should be able to live where I wanted to. Yay. He saved the day!--

87 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Those Words You'd Say To Bitter My Sweets

I work on my forum a bit. I love it so much. I have 57 topics and 119 post and 26 members. I feel important. I really like having it. I guess if I can get it bigger I can help and get to know lots of different people. Yay! It's important to me so that's good.--

49 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I plan to kiss you in the rain...

I want so much just to kiss her. But I want it to be special and to mean something.

Well I have a good day today. I ate chicken and rice and just finished with pizza. Yum. A good 4th of July... I guess. It would have been better if I had seen her or got to talk to her longer. Damn it.--

67 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Jump on the bed... Be a kid again.

I helped mom move the beds at grandma's house. It was fun. Not as hard as is sounds. It's a big house with tall rooms and big fat door ways. No problems at all! Say good night to me and call me your lover...--

76 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
This Family is Full of Lies

God damn it. Well mom found out about a few things about daddy's "internet" life and daddy found out about mom's new "sex life". Wow. Why am I always the one who has to lie? Damn it.--

54 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Don't Dress Me Yet

Woke up to a house full of people. Damn it. I need something to do today. Give me something to be. And do.--

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72 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Dance in the rain with me..
Listening to: Alanis-Jagged Little Pill cd

I couldn't even sleep at mom's house. God I was so tired. I just got home a few mintues ago. I watched King of The Hill. Very funny stuff there. lol.

You’ve already won me over in spite of me

Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn’t help it

It’s all your fault

We watched t.v and played 500 Rummy. It was fun but nothing like my bed and my computer. lol. She's getting better at treating me good. So that's great.

Your love is think and it swallowed me whole

You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for

That’s not lip service

I stayed up thinking last night and the night before. Thinking about how many times before I thought I was happy but it was all a damn lie. But now I am happy. Thank God!--

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56 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Draw On My Heart With Your Love
Listening to: Videos on the Myspace Profile-monkeygurl05 (that's me)
Feeling: dorky

I'll be at mom's today and tomorrow. I'll be back Friday. I really hope I have a good time. B/c I want to like going over there to see her. I really want to be okay with going over there. Oh Joy!--

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Please be my happiness! Be my everything I need. Be the thing I can live for. You'll have my heart...

98 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
How it feels...
Listening to: Sarah-I Will Remember You
Feeling: bipolar

I cry and I don't know why.

I have to take medication to calm me.

I feel so sad even when I'm happy.

I feel a disconnection from me and the world.

I just want everything to be okay.

B/c I don't want to feel this way.

It kills me to feel so empty inside.

I hate it.

What's wrong with me?

58 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Poem-Lost Woman

Her things so nicely stacked she kept,

On the bed where she never slept,

She hadn't looked at it since he died,

It brought the memories to her and she cried,

For him only she begged God to take,

Everything that she had and things she would make,

A whole new life without him there,

She had no idea where,

Life would have taken them,

She could now only dream about him.

64 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Buffy Reruns Will Never Be The Same

The girl I'm talking to came over for a bit. It was wonderful to spend time with her. I really think this might work out. I wanted soo much just to kiss her but I didn't know if I should. God I really wish I had tired to kiss her. Damn me and my shyness. I think there is something there. Between us. Hopefully this one will work out and we can have a serious relationship. That's all I want right now.--

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81 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
xi c o n sx

My new journal xiconsx! Those are not my icons of course the person has credit for the icons. I actually like my icon journal.--

Most Icons are from iconzxox!

63 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
The Workout You Always Needed

I need to workout. I'm just so lazy. I just feel like I need to tighten this muscles before I get chubby. Damn me and my thoughts

50 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Quick Rant

I almost feel like crying. I deleted half of my postings on my forum. Damn it. God I feel like kicking myself. But I'm trying to make it better than it was before.... and very quickly!!! I'm so fuckin pissed off.

45 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I suck at picture taking...

Oh poor me.

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I really suck at taking cute pictures of myself. I just want one for my myspace profile. Damn it.

I wonder if I could make myself o'er. I need a big change. I want something different. Please make me o'er.--

84 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
My Nails Breaking B/c You're Here.

I visited mom and Friday wasn't that great. I just got tired of hearing about shit I didn't care about and I was already ill anyway. God damn it. Well I got out of cleaning. We watched Son of the Mask, Meet the Fockers, Seed of Chucky, and Boogyman. That was fun. So I guess I did have a bit of fun. Saturday was better but Saturday night I felt so sick. I went to sleep at 9:00 instead of 2 or 3 like I usually do. I did feel better when I woke up Sunday morning. Thank god I'm home now.--

65 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Put On Your Smiling Face For Me, Please.

Forum: Narcissistic Junkie

It's my forum. It's quite wonderful. I'm very proud of it. Yay. I actually have members. 8 members so far.

I'm going to my mom's today. I actually woke up early so I'd have time to do stuff before my day got ruined. I hope I can watch a movie I want to watch when I get over there. I doubt I'll get to watch it. Damn shit!--

79 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Who Brought The Bad Food?

Nothing really happened today. I felt sick and slept again today. For 3 hours. I'm going to mom's tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to for the whole w/e but oh well.--

98 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Sleep Forever Starting Now...

God I slept from 6 til 11. I was so tired. And boredom had a lot to do with it too. Damn me and my boredom. I made a forum this time. I'm really really proud of it. It has boards about eating disorders, cutting, depression, social phobia, art, and movies and such. I'm going to add more I just did those boards just to get started with it. I'm still thinking about it. But I'm tired now. I'm cramping like a mo fo and it hurts so bad. Anyway.--

Narcissistic Junkie

73 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Rocker guys that could rock my world...

I want a rocker guy. Wouldn't that be cool? Someone that looks like the guys in My Chemical Romance. I would love that.

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B/c rocker guys are so damn cute with their black hair, eye liner, lip rings, and hot voices. So damn hot...--

I started my fucking period.. That sucks. I hate being a woman.

54 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
No Longer Homesick...

I'm back from cleaning at grandma's. I really don't like staying away from home so much. But I'm going to be at home tomorrow. All Day! B/c mom is going out tomorrow night. Thank god I get a break.

I took a long hot bath with my wine. It felt good to relax for a while. I was so tired. I've been cleaning for the past 2 days I need a break from it all. Of course I found a lot of neat stuff from cleaning out the utility room. Now I'm going to get rid of my new junk in my room and feel it with the old/new junk I found. Very interesting huh? No stop lying... It's fucking boring just as I am...--

New Blog

Webpage By FreeWebs

87 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Cry for help...
Listening to: Mudvane -Happy?

[Be Everything | Need Right Now]

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I'm so fucking depressed. I just don't know what to do anymore...

[Update]

For the past week my depression has got worse. My stomach is in knots, my head hurts all of the time, I don't feel like doing anything, I can't eat anymore, and my prozac isn't working anymore. I have to talk to daddy tonight and tell him I need to go to the doctor. I'm just so tired of all of the shit my parents are putting me through. Well it's mainly my mom. I'm getting tired of her shit. Making me clean and shit at my grandma's where she's staying. I can't even spend 5 mins with my grandma b/c she's like "Ashley do this Ashley do that".

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God damn it I'm tired of being her little lap dog. I do love her but she doesn't act like she loves me. She's always talking shit and trying to find something to complain about. It's really getting old. And I'm tired of it.--

70 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Boredom Rules This House
Listening to: Videos from - musicvideocodes.com

Webpage

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I made this shity shit website. I actually had fun making it. I've been bored all damn day. Trying my best not to be sad or down. So I had to be my own company. I watch a comendian, ate french toast sticks, waiting for my shrimp to defrost. Daddy got them from Food Lion in the thing with cocktail sauce and everything. I'm going back to mom's wed. and thurs.... Oh joy! --

73 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
The Weekend Daughter Has Returned...
Listening to: Cradle of Filth- Nymphetamine

About damn time I'm back home. I came home last night for a while but now I'm really back here now. Kevin and Sharon came over for a little while last night. I like having people over when my parents aren't here so they won't bother me every 5 seconds with something to do. Which things can wait til after the people are gone. God Damn. But I have the run of the house now and I love it. Yay me!--

57 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
18 Broken Hearts
Listening to: Nirvana- Lake of Fire

I tired to spend time with my mom and every time we get together she acts weird. Like she doesn't like me as much as she did before. It really hurts me. But we went to the June Jam at the Moose Lodge and since I'm 18 I can't be where they were selling the beer so I had to get by myself behind all of the tables and sit there doing nothing. It kinda depressed me. Everyone ignored me and mom looked back a few times but that was it. It made me feel like the daughter she doesn't want anymore. And she introduced me to someone like this "This is my daughter... I have her for the w/e". Why was the last part even needed to be said? I have no idea. God damn her. It seems like now she's living with my grandma she can ignore me like she's always wanted to. I'm like a bad habit she wants to get out of. I hate that. And I hate her for acting like she is and making me feel this way. I started back taking my anti-depressants today. I feel like a loser since I'm 18 and can't even go to clubs like the Moose Lodge. God damn I don't want none of their damn beer or company. I don't need their drunk asses bothering me anyway. What is so great about being 18? Not one damn besides you can smoke that's it. Okay My Rant is Over.--

80 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I'll be Back Before You Know It

I'm going to spend the w/e with mom. Which is weird for me to say since everything used to be normal but not anymore. I'll tell you all about it when I get back. Hopefully I'll come back Sunday. But at least I won't be alone since daddy works from 2:30 pm to 11 pm. That's a lot of hours alone. But this way maybe I'll gain weight since I'll be at grandma's house that's where Mom is staying now. Good luck to me huh?--

58 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
The Chemical Romance In My Heart..

Everything is actually okay. It's good that everything worked out. I'm going to split up my time with mom and daddy. I'm spending the w/e with mom. It's better this way. I actually like it better. No more yelling and shit. So I'm fine.--

51 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Away I Run... See if You Can Catch Me
Listening to: Pink- Family Portrait

I stayed with Sharon and Kevin last night. And I hadn't asked yet so Daddy didn't know where I was. He had told me if I was going to stay there I couldn't live with him. Mom moved out to grandma's house. And everything is falling apart. I don't know if everything is okay but I'm home now. I just don't know how to feel. I have to grow up. No more fun for me....ever. I hope everything goes well.--

80 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
My heart doesn't fade away anymore.

A girl that I like wrote me the sweetest letter in the world. And it made me so happy to read her words. Everything I understood and felt the same way. I just want to date her now so much more than I did before. She's so sweet and she makes me laugh. And I need that. I think she could make me happy.--

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

79 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Depression Story of all of my Depression Episodes.

Jan. 2003- June 2003

I stared at the broken glass I wondered how it would feel on my skin. I wanted to tear my skin apart so maybe I’d feel nothing but numbness. I just wanted something to control more than the food that went into my body as I did only two years ago. A sense of control and empowerment had came over me. I came into a almost deadly cycle of cutting every night. I would lay around in my bed writing and cutting. Smoking seemed, in my opinion, ‘to mix well with my sweat and blood that filled the air’ in my room. I stayed in a depression for 6 months I cried almost every night feeling so alone and isolated. I felt that no one could ever understand how I was feeling and I was above everyone in this world. I felt like a god just with so much control and power. My poems tended to get darker and deeper and harder for anyone else but me to understand. It was my only way I felt that people might understand my thoughts if they only took the time to read my words. But my words weren’t enough they needed to hear my skin ripping apart as I heard it. My parents learned very quickly that I was hurting myself and they helped me to stop...for a while.

Oct. 2003- March 2004

Soon I would get out of the depression only to fall back into it. This time it was worse and I was more alone, empty and craving for sleep. I thought about how insane I was every day, always searching for answers. The question I never knew and that made the answers impossible to get. I kept searching hoping for just some relief from this rock I was under. I just didn’t think I could take anymore of it. Besides my thoughts of suicide every day I knew I just had to suck it up and just live. But I couldn’t ‘live’ really. My life was now controlled by my despair. The only outlet I had was my writing and poetry and that just wasn’t enough for me. I needed someone to just hold me and make everything go away. I needed them to lie to me and tell me everything was going to be fine. I felt so weak all of the time. Like I meant nothing to anyone because no one helped me. But I never told anyone I needed help because I thought they wouldn’t understand if I did. But these feeling began to fade away and I came back to reality and to my friends. I had closed everyone off since I was in my own world.

Nov. 2004- April 2005

This time my depression came on a little nibbles of crying and breaking down. At first I was almost okay or so I thought I got into a serious relationship involving sex. I thought I was fine with it I finally realized it was too much for me emotionally and I escaped from it. Then is when I felt like the pain of the world was in me at all times. I thought of suicide more often almost every day. I felt like no one could ever understand depression, anorexia, or the need of drugs. I felt like nothing could ever help me and I would be damned forever. The only book I could master to read was Prozac Nation. It almost made me feel as I was the girl Elizabeth that wrote the book. I could escape into this world of words that spoke in ways I understood. But outside of this world nothing was right. I felt alone and like nothing was inside of me that would be useful to anyone. I felt alone with a crowd of people around me and alone I felt crowded. It was so confusing for me to even grasp anything else besides my own mind and my world from the book. I lived in this fantasy world which seemed only to make sense to me. I would write non-stop about how I felt and what I thought about my surroundings. Music was another way for me to just think. I thought a lot about different things. I thought about what may be wrong with me or was it just me making this up so I’ll feel bad and complain. Now looking back I know something was wrong with me but at the time I just didn’t understand and wanted to be happy again. I wanted control, happiness, and to feel alive again. But I just didn’t know how to find that little girl I once was. Everything had got harder and harder to stand. I couldn’t take it and I just wanted to sleep forever. I didn’t want to die, not to leave these people and this world. I wanted to help everyone. I wanted to do great things, get married and have kids. I didn’t need to die now my life had not begun yet. I was only 18 and I knew it just had to get better for me. I just craved to be happy and to feel alive. Then I felt sad because nothing made me happy and that would make me more depressed. I wanted to understand why this was happening to me. I cried and prayed to God that I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not a religious person but I just needed help. In this time I had started back cutting trying my best to gain control. But it didn’t feel the same as before. I had to hide the cuts, the blood, and the razors that caused it all. I thought of the future and if I could only see into the future, I wanted this depression to go away. I didn’t want to feel so lonely and empty anymore.

I began with fake smiles and laughter that wasn’t mine. I wanted just to fake my happiness because I felt that was the only way to get it. I started a era in my life I like to call it or my attitude then, “Narcissistic - Attention Whore - Control Freak”. I did feel like I was all of those things. I started back on anti-depressants which made me feel like if I was drugged I could cope with people. Otherwise I couldn’t stand them. Everyone bothered me. I was moody and irritable all of the time to everyone. I wanted to be normal without medication. I finally wondered who had I become. ‘Who is this girl in the mirror?’, I’d asked myself day in and day out. I stood out to myself. I felt like the world was in black and white and I was in color. I was odd and I could see everything that was wrong with. Every flaw and every fake smile was lies to everyone that loved me. I didn’t want to hurt anyone with the truth of my despair. I didn’t want pity I only wanted to control my thoughts in my mind. I was aware to everything, how cold the air was on my face, how everyone looked around me, what they were speaking of, I watched and observed everything around me. I became envious of everyone laughing and smiling and I couldn’t bare to have a honest smile. I was screaming inside and outside I was mute. I was lifeless and tired of feeling anything. Closer to my breaking point the depression lifted and I could live again. Although everything was harder to cope with when I didn’t have my depression episodes. I felt weak not powerful and now I had to deal with everything by myself. Without my rational thinking and without insanity. I was sane and couldn’t think on my own, I was completely lost.--

64 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
What do you think?

Signs of Bipolar episodes

The ones I have (*)

Manic Episodes:

• No interest in sleep or sleeping less

*• Undertaking more 'goal directed behaviour' e.g. activities with a purpose in mind such as making business calls, doing home improvements etc

*• Increased sociability

*• Thoughts start to race

*• Irritable

*• Increased optimism

*• Over excitable and restless

• Spending too much money

• Increased self-esteem

*• Loss of interest in food

Depressive Episodes:

*• Loss of interest in activity or people

*• Not able to put worries or anxieties aside

• Interrupted sleep

*• Feeling sad or want cry

*• Low motivation

*• Cannot get out of bed

*• Negative thinking

• Feeling tired

*• Disinterest in food

58 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Mom I'll be there.. The Chair has ate my ass.

I stayed up til 5:30 am last night.. I mean this morning. I sat so long I think fungus grew on my ass. Ewww... I do feel a lot better than I have been feeling. I'm actually happy now. I just feel good about myself and shit. It's wonderful!--

43 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I Suck At This If You Can't Tell

Nothing is working and I'm out of ideas. Damn it. I'm so bored and shit. I know none of this makes sense but I have no time to explain....--

48 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Okay You Little Shit.

My computer is better since I deleted Kazaa. I got so tired of a slow computer, pop ups and not download songs fast enough since it was downloading Kazaa updates and shit. My computer feels better. I took more pictures. Although they SUCK. I need someone skilled to take my pictures. I don't know who. ummm...

There was a wedding today. I didn't feel like I could make it. I'm over the whole thing I just didn't think it was right to go. I think it would have been too weird. And my lazy ass woke up at 1:30. Damn I've been sleeping and eating more than ever. You'd think I'd be gaining weight but noooo I'm not. But I do like these sharp bones.

I suck as a friend. I'm sorry Beth.--

65 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Suicide Girls

I want to apply so bad. I got new pictures in my photobucket. And you might just know what I mean about wanting to be a sg.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/suicide_girls_/

I've always wanted to be a model. And now I might have a chance. My dreams are wonderful!--

96 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
Go Clean The Shit Off The Walls

Cleaning. Best Cardio ever. I'm still not finished cleaning. I have to clean my closet I might do that tonight after they go to bed so I'll have some peace. I just want to be left alone so I can think about some shit. I just need time. I get to go through out letters, pictures, poems, and magazines. Oh joy. But I want my room clean. It looks like shit. I'm going to start taking weird pictures and I'm going to call it art. And no one better disagree. Damn it. I want to be inspiried to draw or something artsy. But nothing has come to be yet. So I'm just going to keep taking pictures of myself until I get tired of looking at myself. Stupid shit.--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Stop Complaining About That Bicycle Tire In Your Head
Listening to: AC/DC-Live

We had a great time yesterday. Of course Bailey got drunk, I got high, and we watched the baby play and stuff. She's so cute. I love her. Sharon is coming over again today. I can't wait. I'm excited about the summer. Yay! I know it's already started but I love summer time. I'm hungry. But mom will be home with some food in a bit. I'm listening to AC/DC again. I loovvveee old 80's rock. It's the best. It's what I grew up listening to. And when I do have kids they're going to listen to the same music I did when they're small. I want them to learn about music and art also. I hate that most of my generation doesn't even know who AC/DC is. I'm like wtf? I want my kids to be creative and shit like me but a little more than I am. Well I hope I get my own life in a while b/c I want to live on my own. And Of course Sharon and Kevin and the baby will be living with me if I get the trailer first but if they get their house first I can live with them. So that's great. Either way I'm getting out proably after college when I get to work b/c I need money. Damn I need a cigarette.--

80 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Obsessed With Myself

I took more pictures. I'm a camera whore like Ryan. lol. I have new pants. Once I charge the batterys I will take more pictures. This time with clothes on. lol. I got bored and I like my body so ha! It's not my fault I'm small and stuff. Oh well. Sharon and Kevin are coming over with the baby. We have to house to ourselves. Hell Yea. For the first time I'm here alone.. hehe. We're going to smoke *cough cough* and Bailey might come over to drink with me. Party!!!! I feel so rebelish! I like it!--

92 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
A Diet For Your Nasty Mouth!

Poo. I don't even know what I want to do. But I do know I'm a bit happier now. Although it's cold in here I'm fine. It's going to be a busy day today! I'm hoping to have lots of fun. Yay.--

73 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Soy Sause and Rice

The best thing ever. Has to be cold rice though so it sticks together. I finally got some new pictures of myself. And my new tattoo. I'm so proud. Pictures are going in my photobucket of course b/c that's where every other picture is that I love including icons out of my ass. I didn't make any of them just stole them. lol. There is even a new picture of my panties I bought today. If you love sharp bones go check them out. If not stay away from my photobucket.

http://photobucket.com/albums/v510/monkeygurl05

New Pictures are In:

Pictures of The Artist> New Ones

55 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Oh Doctor Doctor

I went to the doctor today and she said my period went wacko since I've been stressed and that's why I am losing weight. I weigh 106 now. I felt like I was going to cry all over again. But I didn't. But I went shopping and that made it all better. I found my size in pants that I actually like. Size 3 of course. But I love them. $10 at goodies on clearance. I love sales and shopping. I bought new panties also dots, stars, and a butterfly. Very pretty. And I bought some neat star and beaded earrings and a star necklace thing. I'm so happy now. Bailey you were right but of course the shopping helped. I had the worse hang over ever. Ouch my head. And my retard parents were yelling at me trying to get me up. I woke up saying "shhhhhhh". But after I ate I was fine. Then we had chinesse food with was well deserved. Since I've been all 'stressed'. Damn stress. Oh well. I'm fine now. Still a little sensative but that will pass.--

PS [Yea] I do realize that could have been me but I don't think I was ready then. But now I'm different. But you belong with her not me. It wouldn't be the same if it was me. You love her.. I wish you both all the luck in the world.--

77 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Just how I feel

I hear my mother crying in her bedroom,

I know I need to go back to bed,

For some reason I'm drawn to her tears,

As if I could dry them away,

To see her happy face,

But the tears haven't disappeared,

Not since he left with no warning,

He's things no where all gone,

He left a note saying he'd call,

But now word from him after 3 years,

Spilling the wine on the floor,

I try to hide this pain I'll feel,

If he never seems to return,

To the house he made for us both.

81 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
First comes Wine, Sex in The City, And Then The Tears Flow.
Listening to: Hole- Doll Parts

I finally feel alone. The first day in my life I have nothing. Not school, no contact with friends, no music that I love, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to keep me from being sad. I just hate feeling this way. I hate eating, I hate having to talk, all I want to do is sit here and try to be happy. I wanted tears and now I have them. For the first time in a while I'm free to cry my heart out. B/c I have nothing. What am I even doing? I have no idea. Nothing makes sense anymore. I hate everything.

"And Someday you'll ache like I ache.."

And not loving myself is tearing me apart. How can expect anyone to love me or put up with my shit if I can't even stand myself. I hate myself. I have nothing to offer anyone. Not even myself.

There is just so much small shit for about 2 months that I haven't had time to cry over or even think about. But the problems with me and danielle brought it out. I just wanted to be happy and hide all of this. Now that I'm a little drunk I realize how really sad I am.

I just feel really bad about everything. My life is just beginning and I don't even know where it will go. I'm still struggling with the fact that I may be bipolar since I have depressional episodes and my bio father has it also. I just know I don't have enough money to find out if that's what it is. Jeff, my bio father is in prison for 3 years and I know I love him so much. And I want to see him but he lives in Ohio. All I can do is write him. The his mother lives a hour away and doesn't come or call but maybe 3 times in a 6 month period. I've dealt with this shit long enough and I'm just tired. I just want someone to just make me so god damn happy I don't think of anything else.

79 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Bodies Stiff Just Like I Like Them

I fucking feel like a dead person. I hate feeling this way. Obsession of mine are just that. Stupid asses! I watched 6ft under tonight, and it was fucking awsome. Does that mean I have to cut up dead bodies to watch it? No. Then why the hell do I have to be a juggalette to listen to Twiztid and ICP? B/c I didn't even say I was. Just like listening to Nirvana doesn't mean you are going to commit suicide or take lithum. This world is full of dumb asses with nothing better to do than be in some stupid cult-like organization of people with no purpose but to listen to a certain kind of music.

On a more important note I just can't even cry. No tears are visible here in my eyes. No poems floating in my mind. Nothing but empty thoughts of you guessed it....dying.--

74 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Fuck The World, Maniac Killa

A new obsession of mine....Twiztid and ICP. I've never liked them before but I guess saying fuck 93 times in one song is what I love! lol. It's the only music I can listen and actually laugh. It actually makes me happy. Thinking of times when we were happy. I still will keep my key right where I can see it.--

74 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
This Is Your Captain Speaking: We May Be Crashing Any Second

There's too much bullshit for even me to take. I just don't understand any of this shit. With my parents, my body, or anything else. Somethings are just fucked up. Half of it is my fault but I have to wonder not why me... why now? Why when I'm trying to get my life together everyone has to shit on my pretty pies. I thought I was beginning my life but it just feels like it's ending. I don't do anything but binge on food, cigarettes, and sit on my ass all of the time. See I'm doing it right now. God damn me. I don't even know what bothers me anymore. Everything is just so fucked up!--

74 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

I don't know what I'm fuckin doing. I just don't know anything right now. I'm confussed as hell and everything else.

60 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Volleyball Game

Me and mom went to Tammy's it was fun. Then they went out. I thought I was happy but whatever. I'm still fucking depressed. I've been eating like a cow and not gaining anything. I think something is wrong with me. I don't know. I'm worried about myself and I guess I'm the only one. I might break into fucking tears over anything. God Damn Me!--

What the fuck am I even doing? Trying to find someone that can love me. And right now I don't feel any love at all. I feel like shit. Why did I even think me and Danielle could even fucking work? I told myself before that maybe I don't need to get deep into something before it goes on for a while. But I put my fuckin neck out and now I'm headless. I thought I could love but obviously I'm going to be fuckin alone for the rest of my fuckin life. God Damn it I'm getting tired of this fucking shit. I'm just tired. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I give up! No more confussion it's all over! [Danielle you've made the choice and you've found someone else so whatever]--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Tattoos and Blunt Talk

Me and mom got another tattoo. I got my nautical stars and she got a dream catcher with a rose. Mine is on my hips and her's is on her left boob. Cool as hell but it hurt a little for me. Thin skin. I listened to Marilyn Manson while getting it. I felt good when I sung along but it hurt so bad when I was paying attention. Ouch. It hurt worse than the one my lower back. The stars on right beside of hip bones. I love them!--

94 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Stranded Here With No Phone

I had a great time last night. Mom's best friend came over and we took her home about 5:30 am. I got home about 6:15am and I was dead tired. I just got up at 3:30 pm b/c I was so tired. I'm going to go spend my $150! I can't wait. I've been obsessing over the song by Ying Yang Twins: Wait till you see (The whisper song). I actually love that song. Maybe it's the beat or the words I don't know. But I've been listening to it for about a month now. I even have it saved on my computer and I burnt a cd with it on there. Yay! [I had to change my journal.. the blue was getting on my nerves. Poo!] I love you baby!--

61 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Tears In My Eyes

I got a graduation card from my Grandma (my dad's mother) and I was so happy I got mail. But two checks fell out and I wondered why two checks? But I looked at both of them one $100 and the other is $50. Any other time I would have been so greatful but all I do is cry. One of the checks were from my grandparents and the other one that was $100 had on the memo From Jeff underlined and everything. I don't why it made me upset but it did. I just don't understand these tears.--

66 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Poem- Outside This Box Of Wrong

Lip gloss covered cigarettes,

Broken bottles on the floor,

Powered mirrors with cracks,

No one can guess;

What we're doing next,

Lost keys and the runaway time,

Silent little noises of ghost,

The woods shadowed by the sun,

Screaming muted voices,

Those that cry for attention,

Look at all of the blood,

Unread books, words disappear,

Walls crave words in paint,

No one can see but us,

The cold we wake to,

Just loves the air outside.

91 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
The Days That We Never Forget

Update:

Last Tuesday I stayed at Danielle's house with Bailey. We stole keys. I got the boat key, Bailey got the car key, and Danielle got the bus key. It was fucking awesome. Wedesday I went to Tammy's and tanned. Then Thursday after the graduation practice me and Markie went shopping. Then Friday before graduation we went shopping again for shoes and I "got" some panties from Goodies. Drafting is great...What a fuckin rush. Then I was acting so stupid after graduation.

I miss my baby so much. I love you baby!--

67 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Graduation

We had fun talking shit. Joking that we should've brought cigarettes with us so we could light up. I'm actually finished with high school now. And it feels great. I love that feeling. I'm finished with school. Yay. Damn it feels good to say that. I was so nervous that I was going to trip or something. I've never felt that good about myself ever.

I haven't heard from the 4-H camp about the job so I guess I don't have it. Oh well now I get my summer to myself. I have my dipolma now...So what do I do? What should it mean to me? To me at this moment it is just something else in my room to get lost under my junk and clothes. Where does it go? It is all over, nothing more will come of this anymore.--

64 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Sex that speaks..

Damn. The tongue piercing actually paid off. Damn. Never in my life has it been that good with a girl. She's wild. Her biting and me using my tongue ring.. damn! But besides that me and danielle had a time visiting. She's two months pregnant now. And I'm so happy b/c she wants this baby. I don't know if we're back together or if it's just sex. I feel a lot better I finally got my sex. And I'm about to have a g/f. I'm a lesbian whore again!--

112 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Oooo

sexyYou're a sexy girl! You are beautiful, and youlove attention from guys, and are veryflirtatous. You might come off as a slut andbitch to some but I think you have another sideto you that is pleaing for attention, love, andcare. You might be confident on the outside butdon't be afraid to unleash a more sensitiveside. Be better than just the average sexsymbol.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!) brought to you by Quizilla

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Quick Question?

Do I look bisexual or something or do I still have it written on my forehead? Just wondering b/c Christen's b/c Chris said I look like I'm bi! WTF!!--

63 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Does any of it really even pay off?

I had a great time Tues. skipping the awards thing. Which was the best! Me, Markie and Christin. I've never had such a great time in my whole life until yesterday! I'll miss everything from school. But I do have to put everything behind me. And make new memories. (I just can't get enough and I'm looking for more) I know my high days aren't over b/c it's so fuckin fun. It's not the life for me but I could use some damn weed. It does help me to relax and forget about everything. It's nice. And I like it! We're all planning to go get high and play in someone's spinklers. Which would be great! I can't fuckin' wait! I hope to hook up with someone. I need some well-deserved lesbian sex or just sex. It doesn't have to mean anything (just get me off)!!!--

78 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
My New Lifestyle of Tanning Beds And Champaign..
Listening to: The voices in my head...They say to kill you!!!!

Although I’m sick I had a pretty good day. I feel like a truck hit me but I’m okay. First of all one of my friends told me she was pregnant and her b/f broke up with her before she found out. So she doesn’t feel so great. I’ve been tanning Sat & Sun at Tammy’s house. And Tara knows Erica, Tammy’s daughter. So that’s interesting and they live close to each other. Well I’m not really dark yet but I can tell since my skin is all the same color now. I’m trying to get a job as a camp counselor at a summer camp. So I gave in my application today. It made me feel great and very important. If I don’t get the job I’ll be a little sad but that’s all. B/c if I don’t get the job I get to do what this summer. But if I get the job I’ll be working every week of the summer besides July 4th week. But it is $175 a week. For about 6 weeks. I’ve figured that up and it about $1050 for the summer. Wow I’ve never seen that much in my life. But I’m going to play it safe and put the money in the bank and watch it grow. LOL I do feel better about myself and the way my life is going. I want to graduate and have my summer. I really am getting tired of highschool but I will miss a lot of people that I may not get to see a lot. Which is very sad. I hope I stay in contact with the people I care about the most. As in these people from school; Belinda, Crystal, Tara, Ryan, Erika, Kelly, Markie, Kristen, Katie, Janice, and anyone else who I forgot about or that will miss me too.... LOL Hopefully I will get to spend time with my friends. That’s why I kinda don’t want to get that job or if I do I’ll tell them I can’t work for the whole 6 weeks. I don’t want to be away from home that long. Although I will get weekends to go home but it’s not the same. I think it will be too hard. But I don’t know if I have the job or not.....I’m hungry!!!!!--

69 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Fight For.... Nothing?

There is a big list of people who went to see the fight this afternoon. Me, Markie, Steven, Lauren, Brandon, Micheal, some mexicans, a few black guys, and about 30 cars and/or trucks there just to see it. I don't know who it was fighting or why they were fighting. But hey I'm a rebel. lol. My first fight outside of school b/c those suck ass. So it was great. It was like I step out of myself and just went. I was like fuck everything else I'm going. I had to see it.

And just seeing Brandon made me regret screwing up our relationship. He was one of the good ones I let go or more likely pushed away. That fuckin' sucks b/c I really do love him. It just feels like something is there, still. After all these years. I really want him back. But do I just want him b/c I'm lonely and have no one else...or do I......really love him? I guess I'll never know.--

87 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Put Your Damn Clothes On!

I'm not feeling very creative here lately. It's like I'm trying to find the words to say that wrap around the air and suffocates the clouds. But no words can be found. I really do suck. I haven't even had time to draw lately. I've been so lazy. And I guess preocupied with my own shit from school and in my mind. Damn me and my brain. Oh well.--

79 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
A Funeral, Mother's Day Flowers, and Fried Chicken

Friday I went to The Electric Lounge to see Jerry about my tongue ring. I got a shorter one Sat after the Funeral. He was a friend of the family my dad's ex brother-in-law. He was like a grandfather to me. I cried all during the funeral, I couldn't even go to the burial site since I could barely walk or see from the tears. I will miss him so much. His name was Jim Naiper. God it's so sad. But Sun. we ate fried chicken at home and then went to grandma's house and she was fixing fried chicken too. I ate it all. I was so full. Then today we went to the Bowling Alley during first block and we're going tomorrow too. I had a all-the-way hamburger w/fries and then before we got home from grandma's house we got pepper steak from Peking Wok. Which was sooooo great. I should be fuckin' gaining weight but I'm still 110 lbs. I'm so mad. Grrrr...--

Poem: "Tears of Death"

With tears that cloud our judgement,

Of what his life would have been,

Walls covered in red velvet,

Show the suffer he felt,

Of the life he once lived,

The sun from outside burns;

Through our skin,

And our souls die one by one,

Right next to him,

With tears that show us nothing.

86 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Poem

"Never Again"

I promised myself to him forever,

He was my everything,

Nothing could replace him,

As we drifted apart,

My heart broke in millons of pieces,

Now I know I'll never love again,

Never will anyone treat me as he did,

And never will I find anyone like him.

84 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Porn and Tongue Rings

I such a lame ass. Watching porn...alone. I'm going tomorrow to get a shorter barbell for my tongue. Which sounds great since then I can eat all of the food in the house and not bite on my tongue ring again. Like I did last night. Which scared me more than hurt. I am more comfortable with my tongue piercing than I was when I first got it. It's been a week. And I'm so glad I'm getting a shorter one and that it's not swollen anymore. Soooo... maybe I can get laid. Damn it. I just need to post it on my ass.. "Fuck Me Now"! I'm not desparate just horny. lol.--

68 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Am I the Whore?
Listening to: Nas- Oochie Wally Wally

I'm thinking only in my mind that I would fuck any guy that I got a chance to. I just love sex. Does that make me a whore? I've only had sex with 2 guys and I'm 18. So I think I deserve a little bit of fuckin'. Damn it. If only I looked better. No one can see my body that is under my clothes so they look at my busted face instead and that turns them off. I guess?--

67 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
The war is now over...

Change isn't that bad. B/c I have changed. I'm happier and free. I think I've went soft though. I tend to keep looking up to answer to someone. Like God. I'm not sure what I believe but I know what I did believe. I just don't know yet. If I did get all religious on you guys I'm not diving in head first. I may pray and shit but you won't see my lazy ass at church. Not that I think it's more important to binge on food til 4 am on the weekends but I don't have to be a fucking bilboard of "GOT GOD?... COME ONE, COME ALL TO CHURCH AND 'FIND' HIM!!" bullshit that everyone else pulls. I'm sorry God isn't on the lost and found list. He may be up there I don't know but I need a direction in my life. I'm lost here. I don't know what to do. I still think the government sucks balls. Stupid shit. I hate them, they want into our minds I swear! I do want some answers. But I have no questions. I do have a lot of change.

Shut your face and open your eyes

Your whole fucking life was a lie

And everything that you stood for

Just had it's ass kicked out the door

Well I am rubber and you are glue

I'll beat the motherfucking shit out of you

You're pro-life and I'm pro-death

And I'll throw you from the tree

And break your fucking neck

I'll still listen to Marilyn Manson but maybe I'm too grown up to 'worship' him. I see things differently now. I'm 18 it is time to step up and be a person. I have a lot of things I want to do with my life and now is the time to start planning........--

70 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Crazy Shit

http://www.bmezine.com/service/samples/tour1.html

76 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Is there something in my mouth???
Feeling: amused

Of course. I'm so glad I got my tongue pierced. I feel lucky. I can't believe I went through all the shit that I did for it and now...or in a few weeks...I can enjoy it. YAY!--

58 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Turned on and Pierced Again!

I got my fuckin' tongue pierced. At first the girl fucked it up the I let Jerry redo it and it didn't hurt at all. But with the girl she fuckin hurt me with just the clips.That's not suppose to fucking hurt. My poor little tongue almost died. And she brushed against a small vein and it bled. Ouch. But I'm fine. I'm still alive. It's a little uncomfortable since I do have a rod sticking out of my tongue. The roof of my mouth is sore. Ouch!!!!--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Feeling lonely!

Not much happening seen I'm out of school today. No school on a boring Monday! Damn it. I can't seem to find anything to cure my boredom with. Oh well.--

66 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I want a fucking 24-7 g/f!!!

I need a chick. I really want a g/f that will be only mine. God I can't fucking wait til I get to college maybe I'll find a girl. That I can see when I want to. I need lesbian sex now!!--

75 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Lock me away and throw the key away.
Listening to: Music with attitude-Vol 65

Listening to everyone's shit is making me tired. My own shit is better now and I'm at peace & happy. I really feel good about everything that's going on now. I just can't believe I joke around so much & laugh so hard. It makes me feel good inside. I do feel great!--

65 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Take it away....
Feeling: helpless

I still don't know what to do. I can't talk about it much on here. What would you do if the two people you love the most were breaking apart and you could do nothing but you're in the middle so you need to do something or you might lose one or the other or maybe both?

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's all tearing me apart and it hurts so much. I can't stop this pain. Please help!!!--

66 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Wash this prom off of me...Now!!
Feeling: abnormal

Great dancing, gummy bears, reflections, fat people, skinny jokes, food, punch, Ryan, meeting Popeye (Cyrstals b/f), seeing Markie and Brandon and everyone else from school, seeing myspace people like John, Sierra, and Hollie, taking pictures, and stepping on weird shit with bare feet.

These were the highlights of our 2005 prom. It was great. Not what I expected but it was still good. I really enjoyed seeing Ryan..Hottie!! And hey I took some good pictures and laughed a lot. I never would have thought I would have sat with Ashleigh Cox, her b/f, and John. I never thought I would have talked to them. I loved every mintue of that though!--

74 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Who me?

I having a blast on myspace. It's the best website I know of. So far of course. Everyone is on there.. Ryan, Hollie Huff, Sierra, John, hot guy James(who is so flirting with me), Sam, Amanda, and a few other people from Rockingham and who went or are going to our school. Everyone should join!!! You can post blog entrys, upload pictures, get comments on your profile, and receive private messages. Anyway, Prom is tomorrow night. Can you believe it? I promised about everyone pictures. I feel great about that. People want pictures of me. Really great! These long nails are great too!!!!--

71 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Fake Nails are Great!!

I seen Beth today. She looked great. Her hair is different. I didn't know either to talk to her or not. I thought she was going to stop and talk but I guess not. Oh well. I'll see her at prom. 2 more days. I'm so excited. B/c I know it will be great. I love my nails. I've never had them done. They are pretty!!

I didn't get them painted or anything I don't know what I want to do yet. Maybe just clear finger nail polish or something. I really had fun today. Sharon's baby was really good. First time we went to the nail place she was asleep and we went to the other one but it was too busy. poo. So we just went back and then she was awake on the way there. She was great. lol. She's so darn cute!!!--

93 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Wipe that right off of your mouth...

OMG!! I bought my shoes and pocketbook today for prom. 3 more days till prom. I can't wait. I'm really excited about everything. I'm getting my nails done and getting my hair trimed. AHHH... I feel like running around screaming b/c I'm so excited.

I was surprise I wore a XS b/c I usually wear a small. I just went down. I'm glad I'm small but damn do I have to be that small? YES!! I wouldn't have it any other way!!!--

72 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Prom!

I got my dress. XS can you believe that's my size now? I couldn't but I love it. And it was pretty cheap too. I'm so happy I got that out of the way. I love my dress. I named it George. It's a inside joke. But it's my dream dress that I could wear again maybe. I don't think it will ever look out of date. Okay maybe when I have kids... lol.

My new plans for my birthday in Nov. We're going to go dresses and run around town in them. That would be fun! No I'm playing, it was a joke. Me and mom we're talking about one time when I save a little money to blow we're going to rent wedding dresses and run around town. I want to do that in New York. Interesting!

I've got prom all planned out. Markie is staying at my house to get ready since my house is closer to her b/f's and the school. Would you rather drive 5-10 mins or 45-1 hour? Ummm.. Oh that's so hard. I told mom she has to see Markie's b/f. Cutie! lol. I really love mom. We're going to drink a little Friday. The prom is Saturday. Great!--

90 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I want a girl with a short skirt and a....

Looong jacket!

Well everyone is looking for that person who makes everything alright, who understands, cares, and is there. And did I mention the sex is great. I really love it. My secret lover. Listening to music has never seemed so great. Laying there just holding her. It's great. And I love her. Always have!

And I'm finally happy about my life. I don't really care about anything else. Besides prom. It's going to be great. I'm taking Sharon b/c I promised her a long time ago. And we're going to have so much fun. Okay... (the list)

*Me

Sharon

*Markie

Brandon

*Tara

her Brandon

*Crystal

Pop-eye

*Karina

Jesse

*Emily

her date

*Jessica

Jonthan

And there it is. The few people of our senior class that I actually still talk to. And a few of Sharon's friends and the rest of Tara's friends. That's it. And I actually really like those people so that's good. I can't wait til Prom 2005!!!!!

55 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Tears Never Lie

I’ve never ever cried this much. Not even when my grandpa died. I’ve cried for 45 mins straight. I can’t believe it myself that I’ve been holding that all in. All of those tears were inside of me. I don’t know what triggered it or if I could have prevented it. But I now know how I felt about all of this stuff daddy is doing. And how mom feels. It’s like I felt everyone’s pain at one time. I hated feeling it. I felt like I did have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m still crying now. It’s 6:10 am and I’m not yet asleep. My eyes are bloodshot from all of the crying and that’s never happened before. I just want this feeling to go away. This is worse than the walk of death. It’s almost like dying and being bought back feeling all of the pain of dying over and over and over and over until it kills you again. Although I can barely see from the tears I keep writing. Maybe if I keep busy I won’t hurt so bad. I feel so broken and confused. I don’t understand anything and these are the times I wished I was depressed so maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad. When I’m depressed I guess I only think of myself and this would be useful right now. I feel so much pain, anger, hurt, and confusion. It’s like I’m taking everyone’s feelings into me. Maybe god thought I didn’t understand so he taught me a lesson about lying. I did think I understood completely. But now I don’t think so. I didn’t know I could carry this many tears and so much pain around with me for so long. I’m shocked at how I reacted. I’ve never ever been this upset. I don’t know what’s wrong and I can’t even start to figure out anything right now. I know nothing. I didn’t know I could hold so much pain. Why does this hurt so much? B/c I think daddy gave up on me. B/c daddy has gave up on life. B/c he is trying to push us away. B/c he won’t talk. B/c he pushes mom away like he doesn’t love her. I’m so scared every time he slams the bedroom door that I might hear a gun shot. I get so scared my heart breaks and falls right into my intestines . My heart is breaking by the second. When he doesn’t smile, doesn’t look at me, doesn’t talk, ignores my questions, wants to talk all about me, changes the subject, etc. I miss the light in his eyes. And I want it back. He thinks he can give up he’s got another thing coming.... I won’t let him give up. I need to fix him and I’m the only one who can do it. I won’t stop until he opens up. I won’t stop until he’s the same daddy I know. I want him back now.--

68 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Pictures of the girl...

You don't really want any more from me

To make things right

You need someone to hold you tight

You think love is to pray

But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

A lot of drama going on. And I thought me being in the middle of things was over. This is my 6 months of not being depressed and I'm so confused. I can't think straight and stress of graduating is pressing. I'm so much different but to others I'm the same. The same girl that breaks people apart and wonders why they don't work anymore. I wonder why everything I touch dies and is broken. Red nails of posion...

Don't touch me please

I cannot stand the way you tease

I love you though you hurt me so

Now I'm going to pack my things and go

91 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Counting those calories.

I just want to be happy. I need new pants. I look like I'm melting away. All of my pants are too big for me. I've lost so much weight. I just want to be healthy. I'm counting calories and shit. I'm working out more. I feel like a old woman. I'm so scared about graduating. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to make it. My life is planned out but what if I can't do it or I'm not good enough. Shit. Jeff is still in jail and I'm kinda getting my heart in this time. He is my bio father so of course I love him. But damn. I care too much.--

69 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Pretty on the Inside

Hole--Pretty on the Inside

Slut-kiss girls won't you promise her smack

Is she pretty on the inside

Is she pretty from the back

Slut-kiss girl won't you water her back

Is she pretty on the inside

Baby pretty from the back

Slut-kiss girl we'll have some rot black strap

Is she ugly on the inside

Baby ugly ugly from the back

My pretty power my pretty power

My pretty power my ugly

Slut-kiss girls won't you promise her smack

Is she pretty on the inside

Is she ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly

Bad boy

Rows and rows of angel hair

And ice cream pencils baby do they care

And fibre yah glass where is she powered that way

Blues and shoes but this isn't ugly

Yah where is it a marriage in a wheel

Will to calls that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone so so many things

Wow hey I made it down

I I I I made it mosh in everyone acid hair

Acid stars you're getting there

Is she high that way

But now it's just another show

Your living life as ready go

It's all it's all a doll no a doll

Give me a shelf of a whore

Yah now my friends are ugly strange

They shake their heads man

They gave us a trap well

We'll send this love as

Rearrange of who of

Baby I lie with pictures now

From riddle love and streets of gold

He says he reach of a candy heart of

I really love it I really don't know

I really don't know I really don't know

I really don't know like I used to live

Yah berry parts and I wow what was it

61 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Don't Look at Me...

I haven't done anything to excite me at all. Grr.. I need to do something. Leave or have someone come over. Something to keep me busy. I'm so god damn bored. Grrrrr.... Give me something to do. Besides die. lol. Not really. I don't want to die anytime soon. I need to have kids first before I even think of dying. God what am I talking about?--

67 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Make me beautiful...

I already have plans for our "vacation". Saturday we're planning to get lit and high. lol. Tuesday Markie is staying with me. And other than that I have no more plans. And Friday Sharon is coming over. I have to do something to my face. Eeek! It's bad looking. And no one tells me I look a mess. lol. But I do feel great that I'm not depressed anymore. And it's nothing I did it's just my chemicals in my brain. That's all folks. Oh yea I finished my paper for English and I'm turning it in tomorrow. Now I'm just worried that it's not all that good since I don't write research papers and I'm going in blind with it. I hope it comes out good. And tomorrow is our last day! YAY! Party at my house!--

70 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
The excitement is gone...

What was once good is no more.....

Okay not really. Today was good. I have prom plans so yay I'm going. Too bad I have to get there via my mom. But that is fine with me. We'll work it out. I'm so bringing my camera so I can take lots of pictures and don't have to buy a bunch of shit I can't afford. lol. I'm saving up for another tattoo. I'm going to get it during the summer. So if anyone sees me this summer you might just see my tattoo. I need a tan. B/c I'm bling bling white. And maybe I can tone up my body and get ready for a sexy prom dress and binikin weather. yay. I don't think I need a new bathing suit. I have 4 that still fit me. lol. Almost one for every place I go during the summer. GA to see my s-sisters, Tennessee to Dollywood, and maybe Carowinds if I'm good. And I'm so bringing someone if we can go. I'm going to ask if I can bring someone to Tennessee with us too. Hopefully it will be "Yes of course you can, you good little daughter." Okay besides the yes I doubt I'll get the rest of that pharse. lol. I'm just full of news today huh?--

57 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
With the day bring more happy thoughts!

This w/e should be good. I'm planning to see "Interview with the Vampire" for the zillionith time. But it's all good. We're eating pizza tonight. And tomorrow is when the fun starts and then I start drinking.. Yay for the team or just me. lol. I can't wait til I get me another tattoo and my lip pierced. Which will be when I get some money. I'm looking forward to spending time with mom tonight. And we might go to the club tomorrow but I doubt it b/c the person we're going with hasn't told us anything about it. So I don't know. But if we don't go out we'll stay in and drink anyway!!!! So it's a win-win situation!--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Drink anyone?

I'm so fuckin excited. I really love my friends. And hanging out with Tara and Crystal is great! I just want to get high as hell and drunk this weekend. That will be great.--

60 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
We powder our noses...
Feeling: amazing

B/c we know nothing. I always see what's really in people at the strangest moments. I'm back listening to Marilyn Manson and wanting a lot for my new found freedom. I have no worries. I just want to live life to the fullest and I started that today. I'm so glad I have people I can trust. I trust them 100%. And I will forever more.--

"Angel With The Scabbed Wings"

he is the angel with the scabbed wings

hard-drug face, want to powder his nose

he will deflower the freshest crop

dry up all the wombswith his rock and roll sores

dead

is what he is, he does what he please

the things that he has you'll never want to see

what you're never gonna be now

sketch a little keyholefor looking-glass people

you don't want to be him

you only want to see him

mommy's got a scarecrow, gotta let the corn grow

man can't always reap what he sow

"he is the maker"

(he is the taker)

"he is the saviour"

(he is the raper)

[verse 2]

[chorus]

Get back you're never gonna leave him

get back you're always gonna please him

66 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Me in my happy pants...

I wasn't feeling so great today but I went home about 11 watched tv and then at 3 I went to sleep. I really wish that I could go home early every day. Esp. when I'm sick. My 6 months is over and now I'm not depressed anymore. I'm not taking anymore pills b/c every single one of them make me feel like shit. And that means my chemicals aren't unbalanced. So I'm fine for now. And so happy!!!!--

51 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
You hold my heart in your hand.

I really like someone. And I'll know he'll make me so happy. But I'm scared that my dad won't let me date or anything. I think this guy will be better than any other guy I've ever liked. And I've liked him every since 10th grade. It's important to me that I would be able to go to his house and for him to come to my house until my parents get to know him and his mom. I really thought this over and I still think my dad wouldn't let this happen. Or he would try his best to break us up and talk shit about it. I just want to be happy. And I'll do anything for this to happen.--

60 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Ich werde Sie ficken!
Listening to: Pink- Missunderztood

I'm starting to work out again. Trying to get my dream body back. I'm going to stop a lot of shit that I shouldn't be doing. I don't call any of my exs. The only exs I talk to are girls. I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm happy now. I'm not really depressed anymore. I think my 6 months is up. lol. So that's great. My sex dreams are gone. I'm redoing my whole life. It's great. And for once I feel great.--

63 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Ballads of my mind....
Listening to: My Ruin- Bright Red Scream
Feeling: spazzy

I only wish I was okay. I'm still insane. I wrote a poem today. And I'm going to update safteypinstory That's my story journal. With my poems and other journal entrys. I'm putting it together for a book I might write. I think it will be good.--

62 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Speak to my heart.

Mrs.Chapman, my english teacher, said that I should publish my poems. I let her read a few of my good ones and she liked them. She said I should be a political writer. She also said they didn't even sound like me. I really like her. Hello, she likes my work. Her and Janice are about the only people who actually like my poems. Besides Dean. I really want to publish my work. I have 5 notebooks full of poems. Of course 2 are mixed with journal entrys but it's more poems than entrys. I love writting. It's the only thing I really enjoy. I'm so good at it. I'm so glad my work is respected.--

256 poems that I have in notebooks. I know it's more than that.--

67 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
The moment you stop breathing.

I started going through old poems of mine. I have old ones I wrote back in ninth grade. And some I wrote back in Oct. About my great aunt dying and stuff. And the other ones that I put a background behind on the computer. I really love my poems. Anyway, my dreams are getting more graphic. I'm a slut in my dreams. Maybe it means I should try to have more fun. And not meaning that kind of fun. But maybe going out and stuff!--

68 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
A quickie in life.
Feeling: bipolar

Schools okay. Jeff wrote me a letter. I'm actually going to hurry and write him back. He's still in jail. I really just want to be there for him for the first time in my life. I want to be his daughter. I want to tell him everything will get better. I really want him in my life but I just can't trust him yet.

My dreams are begining to be all about sex. Nothing more just sex. What could it all mean? It's really weird.--

60 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Poetry may speak to you in words you don't know.

People ask me why I write poems...

What should I tell them? B/c it's the only way I connect to anything or the only way I can survive. Do they even want to know? Why would I let people read them unless I did want them to know me? There's no other reason. I let Vadu read them b/c she respects any art of the sorts. And some how she knows me through my poetry. It seems that not many people even understand it. But I want everyone to understand and respect me for it. I want people to appreicate my writing for what it is. True and great.--

63 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Friday already?

Blah. These new anti-depressant pills made me feel like shit. But I don't think I need them anymore. It was effexor rx. I took it wednesday and it still is making me; dizzy, ringing in my ears, yawning a lot, have headaches, my eyes hurt, I feel like I could throw up at any second, I am thristy all of the time and I feel like shit. It's horrible. Mrs. Chapman said I was an excellant writer and I was so happy. And Brandon my ex. will actually talk to me now, thanx to Whitney. I told her to ask him if he would say hey if I did. I had a good day today. If only I wasn't so dizzy!--

67 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I'm Cured!
Feeling: reluctant

I don't feel depressed anymore. I don't know what's going on with my body. But I feel more alive than ever. I love this feeling, again. It's good to be back to normal. I got over this hurdle in my life and I think I can do anything. I need to change my life around, finish school and college, try to find someone to love, and have kids. I just have to think of the future and not the past. I have to live for the future. I need to get my life in order and that's what I'm going to do.--

86 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Can't you leave me alone?

My back hurts so bad. Yea, I pulled a Carrie and ran away from a ex. I was just not wanting to talk to anyone. I had just woke up and I just didn't want to start anything. I was upset last night and I cried. I really didn't want to talk to anyone all day. I have to go to the back doctor. My stupid back is well, stupid.--

45 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Bothersome Crap!

I was late to school. I missed 1st block and I didn't want to be late to hear Coach's mouth. I can't stand him. I go to school at 11:30 tomorrow so I don't have to see his sorry ass. And we don't have school Wednes. So nah nah!--

52 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Wink if you love me...

Nothing much has went on today. I seen I,Robot and Sky Captian and The World Of Tomorrow. They're both great movies. If you haven't seen them yet, watch them. I can't believe it's just Saturday. I've had a long w/e. Possibly b/c of yesterday being so eventful. I don't know. I think I'm doing better. But I'm not sure. I'm just totally confused. Oh well.--

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I have new things...

My new e-mail address is [email protected] It feels good to actually have a new one after 2 1/2 years of having my old one. lol. This one might last a while and if it doesn't I have another one I could use. lol. Now I have 3 e-mail addresses I check.--

Thnx to Darkangelbaby

November 12th---November 21st--Gold

GOLD

You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and outgoing. It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a long time.

71 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
My New Story Journal

safetypinstory

It's mainly my journal entrys that I wrote in a notebook. It's really about how depression makes me feel now. Hopefully you'll like it. But if you don't like it, don't complain about it being stupid or anything bad about me. It's my thoughts and I didn't tell you that you had to read it or I'd kill you. I just want feed back on it. Reply on it about the actually story not on my words or the things I talk about unless you have something nice to say. Thank You.--

72 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
Story Hunting
Feeling: agitated

I want to write another story this one actually being about me. but where do I start? I dunno.

80 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
A Lover I don't have to love lyrics
Listening to: Bright Eyes- duh!
Feeling: shattered

I picked you out

Of a crowd and talked to you

Said I liked your shoes

I said "thanks can I follow you"?

So it's up the stairs

And out of view

No prying eyes

I poured some wine

I asked your name

you asked the time

Now it's two o'clock

The club is closed we're up the block

Your hands on me

Pressing hard against your jeans

Your tongue in my mouth

Trying to keep the words from coming out

You didn't care to know

Who else may have been you before

I want a lover I don't have to love

I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck

Where's the kid with the chemicals?

I thought he said he'd meet me here but I'm not sure

I got the money if you got the time

He said it feels good I said I'll give it a try

Then my mind went dark

We both forgot where your car was parked

Let's just take the train

I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors with bad habits

Some sad singers

They just play tragic

And the phone's ringing

And the band's leaving

Let's just keep touching

Let's just keep keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk

Where's the kid with the chemicals

I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full

I need some meaning I can memorize

The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you but you

You write such pretty words

But life's no story book

Love's an excuse to get hurt

And to hurt

Do you like to hurt?

I do I do

Then hurt me (10 x)

73 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Alone in this Empty Shell.
Listening to: Filter- Take my picture
Feeling: subdued

My depression is back and it's shit. Everything makes me feel bad. But I do have my happy moments like being alone and watching Wild Things which is a great movie. It had me fooled. Mom said it was a stupid movie but I thought it was good. It keeps you guessin' until the end and then I was like, "DAMN!". It was wonderful and being here at home alone is the best too. I can play my music as loud as I want to and no one says anything b/c no one is here. haha! I'm going to go cause trouble!--

76 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Being so bored...

As usual. Stupid crap. Anyway I've been tried today. Not even really sleepy just tired. And thristy as hell. (period) I hate it so damn bad. But it will be alright b/c I have chocolate and an excuse not to go anywhere. So I'm really happy about that. Nah Nah Nah!--

63 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I've just been a thinkin'.
Feeling: pained

I wrote Jeff a letter. I feel really good about it. And I hope he understands all that I said. It was a five page letter front and back. So he better get something from it. I'd be mad if he ignores it like he usually does. That would definally piss me off to the point where I won't send him letter or take his calls. I will give up on him no matter the cost. But right now I really want him to get it and get me. And just for once care. Just any amount of care would make me happy. I really love him and I want him to be a father to me. Not just someone who helped make me! I mean how could you not want to talk and get to know you're only child? I just don't understand it. If he's not ready to do it by now he'll never do it. I'm 18 now so what's the point of wanting to father me all he has to do is listen to me. That's all I ask. No money or anything. Money isn't important right now, I need him to know me.--

50 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Hiding this all from you.
Listening to: Kittie-Paper Doll

I have a lot of things in my life I am trying to hide but it's not as easy as before. Secrets leak out and people fear me. Suicide comes up and they want so much to look like the 'good guys' but they really don't care. It's happened so many times before and it's never any different. I'm really getting tired of people trying their best to know my every move so they want be so scared when I actually do something wrong. I need everyone to ignore what they can't see and forget it all.--

76 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Living like a Disaster!
Listening to: Jack Off Jill-Strawberry Gashes
Feeling: bonkers

My room is a mess. I'm here by myself and the only thing I know to do is get online and/or clean. I'm trying to do something different with my walls. I'm taking down posters and stuff. I wish I had more wall space but then I wouldn't have anything to put on all of the wall. lol. I'm never satisfied. Never in my life have I been. Oh well.--

70 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Fear of Dying
Listening to: Jack Off Jill-Fear of Dying
Feeling: abnormal

Yea, another great day since I took my prozac. I seen Andrew and I never hugged anyone that way in my life. I really like him but he's hurt me through the years. He always said he liked me and that would last for 3 weeks at most and then he comes up and says that he just wants to be friends. And then I reminded him that he said he liked me and he says well that was last week. I cried so many times over him. But maybe he's different now. I hope. But I still don't know if he even wants to date me he did say he's still crushin' on me. So that's good. Oh well. I was so happy today even before that. Me=really hyper!--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Those stupid things that download..
Listening to: Shinedown-45
Feeling: alone

Yea, I had to start over with my songs on Kazaa. But I have better songs this time. Although this time I only have 81 instead of 140 but it's ok, poor kazaa is recovering. I forgot to take my pill today and I had a bad day but I'm better now. Eating cow. lol. I even forgot to eat super yesterday. I was just so busy with homework and a project for Mrs. Mercer my Advanced Models and Functions teacher. I drew a triquetra (my tattoo) for a rotation, reflection, & translation project. Which was fun and dealt with bunchies of coloring which took forever. Poor hand.--

69 hit(s) (8 comments) | Say.  
There's nothing to do anymore.
Listening to: Natalie Imbruglia- Torn
Feeling: angsty

I feel a little bit better these days. I still need a lot. Like meds and shit. I might even decided to go get treated psychologically but I doubt it. We can't afford that shit. I'd just rather not cost any money. I can live with it since I have been living with it. I watch the movie Thirteen again today. I love that movie. I wish there was a movie of my life. That would be interesting. lol. Hell the past year of my life is movie material. ha ha yea right.--

62 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
My heart can't beat the same as before.
Listening to: Bright Eyes- A lover I don't have to love
Feeling: warm

I hate that Bailey never comes over when she's says she will. I don't know maybe something came up and she couldn't talk on the phone or she went somewhere. I just can't stand this shit. I was at Tammy's house for half of the day. Man, I don't get to do anything. Daddy doesn't trust me so I can just give up on doing anything anymore. I can just forget wanting to go anywhere. Life sucks! Whatever.--

65 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Crazy Days are Gone, Almost.
Listening to: Patsy Cline- Crazy

I feel sane for the first time in years. And now there's not much to talk about at all. I'm okay with that though. I did have a good day. Spending time with Ryan and talking to Crystal and Tara today. We took silly pictures and acted crazy in 1st block. Which was great. I understand Crystal a little more now. She's almost like me besides the girl-on-girl thing. lol. Or at least I assume she's not bisexual like me. Would be nice, she is cute. They might come over next weekend. Which would be nice b/c I actually like people at my house. I hate being alone all the time on the weekends. Blah, stupid weekends.--

64 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
This hole in my chest never goes away.
Listening to: Hole- Pretty on the inside

Nothing much going on today. I actually had another good day! It's good, this prozac. We're wearing normal clothes tomorrow and I can't wait. Stupid uniforms! Hopefully people will pay attention to me tomorrow. I doubt it. But whatever. I just don't care anymore.--

67 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Mrs. Happy Pills
Listening to: Bright Eyes-A lover I don't have to love

I got the goods. Yep. Happy pill (Prozac) It's a genertic brand of prozac. And I love it. It's great. I feel happier and less empty and less sad. I take everything better now.

I went to Bailey's house today right after school. She was taking me home and mom got home so I asked mom if I could go and she said yes and I had so much fun. And A lover I don't have to love just downloaded and I'm so happy now. This song makes me hot. Really hot! I feel just so great. I talked a bunch today and my jaws are tired. LOL No blow jobs haha. Okay that wasn't funny. But what is funny is that my day was great and I'm kinda feeling happy, I know it's the drugs but damn it's good. Lovin' Prozac, I want to marry the maker of this drug.--

56 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I'm not like them but I can pretend.

It's our aniversity! I mean me and my parents. I've always been included for these things. It might make me seem like a selfish person but I'm the only child so I can do this.

Today was better for me since I actually felt alive for the first time in a while. I felt like I mattered although a few times during the day I didn't really want to talk a lot. But me and Tara talked all during 3rd block. And me and Markie were in the libaray looking at pictures on photobucket. That reminds me I want to change my pictures but I don't know what I want to change them to. (Just me being way too hyper for my own good.) I had a good day today. A gay ol' time! I think with my meds I can at least be able to hide my depression. I know it's there but it's not there with it's sad moments and feeling of lonliness. So I'm good for now. I need pills now.--

49 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Simply I take pills.
Feeling: bipolar

I take pills. It just sounds nice. And I've figured out even on the pills I can still get oh so moody. But I just want more pills so I can be almost okay. So I can at least function like everyone else. I've been oh so mean to everyone in sight. But I guess if people knew me they could put up with me. I'm so difficult but I don't mean to be. I really try to be easy to get along with but now I'm different. I pick on people more and laugh when people are hurt, I snap at people like a bitch, and I want to be alone all of the time. But then when I am alone I wonder if people actually do care about me b/c I want to be recued from my broken despair. It's really sad, I'm so horrible and misguided and misinformed about everything. I don't know how to live anymore. Yea, Bag of Bones, that's me.

61 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Nothing is here but I see something over there.
Listening to: Deep Blue Something- Breakfest at Tiffany's

It seems like nothing matters anymore. It's all downhill from here. I'll be getting no help in March. No one thinks I'm really depressed besides my mom. So I guess I do have to help myself from now on. I just be okay overnight. It doesn't work that way. I wish I was strong enough to put a handle on this but it doesn't seem like I am strong at all. I've come to except it though.

I was suppose to call a few people but I'm too god damn lazy. I don't want contact with anything human or happy. I just want to stay in my room by myself and cry some more. I had another break down. I'm not trusted anymore b/c of one mistake I made a few months ago. I don't look at it as a mistake but that's my opinion which doesn't matter either. I should just forget trying to think or talk or anything. I'm all wrong anyway. I should just shut the fuck up.--

75 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Me depressed? No of course not.

I tend to think that if you don't understand something don't try to talk about it. If you don't love someone or even like them don't try to give them any advice. As for me I'm never complaining about being depressed or anything. To others I'm fine, nothing is wrong with me. I will keep things to myself even if I end up dying at my own hand. I don't care anymore. I don't need help , I don't need meds, I'm okay on my own. So don't talk to me about depression, cutting, any eatting disorders, or any other things that bother you. If you don't want to listen to me I won't listen to you. I won't bother anybody else with my "problems". I won't tell anyone anything so I don't look like I want attention. Don't worry about why I say these things it's none of your business and I know no one cares anyway. I understand no one likes me or wants to hear my "bullshit". If I could I would delete more people off my friends list and change my journal to friends only. Maybe I'll do that so no one will be bothered by my thoughts. I know one thing I hate people, I'd be a lot happier if I didn't have to see anyone anymore.--

93 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Don't help me I'll be just fine.

I just can't stand the fact that I can't have anything with this depression. It's effecting my life and my mind. I have bad panic attacks now more often, Although I sleep more, I'm tired all of the time, I eat more than I usually do, I want to be alone but yet I want people around me, most of the time I can't stand anyone, I get ill and moody way too much, I hate people babying me, I hate when people ask me what's wrong, I hate my thoughts, the only reason I want to die is b/c I don't want to live with depression. Everything is screwed up and it's killing me one day at a time. I feel alone when I'm not and when I am alone I feel like I'm too crowded. I can't make up my mind on anything. I don't ever feel like calling anyone. I just want to stay in my room and then I get antsy sitting all of the time and I want to just walk around. I'm getting to the point where I hate people. People asking questions, people talking, people laughing, people complaining, people being idiots, people's bad jokes, people walking pass me, people not understanding my depression, people not being able to ever HELP ME!--

90 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Even my Ouchies have Ouchies!

I got check out of school today b/c my knee hurt like hell. And daddy made me an appointment with the doctor. I was expecting him to say "It's all in your mind, go home." But instead of the weridly good news he said "It's a sprang and now I have to stay off my leg and take 600mg of IBProfen 3 times a day. And I just hate having to stay off of my legs or foot b/c I tend to get a sense of boredom and after that my ass starts going to sleepy-poo. So not cool. My body and cupid have one sick sense of humor. And I'm not one to be humorous right about now. It hurts!--

73 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
I hate being sick.

I'm tired and moody. Getting sick. I feel like shit. And I still have to go to school tomorrow. My knee hurts b/c I strained it from trying to lift too much weight. Stupid weight training. I need to bathe. I don't want to talk or let anyone see me like this. I just want to crawl into a cave and sleep like a bear. But I know I should get my ass off the internet and bathe. But it's so boring. There's nothing on tv, I can't go anywhere, I don't want anyone to come over, I don't want to sleep anymore, all I want to do is sit here in my room alone. And die!--

82 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Can't we all just be happy?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I woke up this morning @ 11 and then I took a nap @ 4 til 6:15. I'm still a little tired. I hate feeling this way. I feel like I'm sick or something. Maybe just sick in the head. I've been extra moody lately. I just don't understand why. I'm getting to the point where I don't like jokes unless it's in some way what I said or I agree with them. Usually it something mean. I have head aches. I want to eat all of the time. I just don't feel like myself anymore. It's werid and I can't explain it. So that's why I don't tell anyone b/c I have no way of explaining it to any degree. I just hate this.--

Scorpio - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted

Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover

You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in

Your negative traits:

You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover

You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship

You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on

Your ideal partner:

Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task!

Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed.

Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis.

Your dating style:

Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date.

Your seduction style:

Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real.

You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves

A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it.

Tips for the future:

Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are

Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you*

Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive.

Best place to meet someone online:

eHarmony - your best bet at screening out untrustworthy people

Best color to attract mate: Dark red

Best day for a date: Tuesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

58 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Spin around it circles.. Make me dizzy!

I'm just getting to where I can almost get through the day. Which is nice. I almost cried today but I was handling it very well. I laughed so hard in 3rd block with Kristen and Tara. Which was great b/c I needed to laugh. And at lunch with the cookie thing. I asked the whole table if I could half of a cookie and every one was shoving cookies it mouths and soup. But Sommer finally gave me half of her cookie and I was happy. Katie apologize for the stupid thing that happened this morning. It was all too dumb to talk about. No one was really mad it was just that I was upset that my depression limits my laughter in cases where the joke is about me. Which isn't all to funny to me. But oh well. That goes with life also. When you're the butt of the joke it's never funny. Unless it's your best friend laughing at your dumb ass self.--

70 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
No one can dry my tears.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.

You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.

Broken inside.

I feel so lost and broken now. But I was fine this afternoon. I was walking with Markie and we were laughing and joking. But after my shower I just started crying. Of course b/c I felt this song: Nobody's Home.

Her feelings she hides.

Her dreams she can't find.

She's losing her mind.

She's fallen behind.

She can't find her place.

She's losing her faith.

She's fallen from grace.

She's all over the place.

Yeah,oh

It's just so bad when I think I can handle everything and then I break down. What's wrong with my life? What is making like this? I hate when I cry and cry and then I can bearly breathe. I hate when something is happening to me and I don't understand any of it. I hate me like this.--

83 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
What are you looking at?

Doing better? Not really. The only highlights of my day is talking to Janice and eating lunch. That's about it. This stupid bitch is calling me anorexic. And I'm not. I was for 2 1/2 years but not now. It's just stupid to talk about me and she doesn't even know what anorexic people look like b/c if she did she'd know I wasn't. Okay it's all just really stupid. I'm stupid, This is stupid, Me complaining is stupid. I'm done.--

Maybe I shouldn't be sad but I am. I think that's what makes me look so god damn ugly. Fuck you all, with your pretty doll faces.

75 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Can't you mind your own business?

God damn it! I hate people who but into my business when they're not wanted(Mrs.Davenport of who ever turned me in). And I'm never writing to one of my (I thought you were friends). Not talking about dying, my depression, or my eating habits. Fuck everyone. I was doing a bit better today but fuck that. I'm doing shity right now. Grrrr....--

Okay I'm calm now. It's just that I wrote about how I wanted to die but couldn't do it. And I didn't want to die by not eating. A thing from my past. Mrs. Davenport acted like since I don't go anywhere over the w/es and I'm the only child that's why I'm depressed. What the fuck does that have to do with anything. It's just stupid. She doesn't know me or anything about what I go through so who is she to judge or try to help me. I don't need her help and I don't want it. So ha. If I could survive this life I'm living for this long I think I can handle it. I don't ask for help b/c I know I can do everything by myself. Although I do talk to people sometimes I stopped that. There's only 3 or 4 people I'll talk to now; which are Dean, Janice, Sharon and Erika. No more no less. They are the only ones I trust. And Markie. That's it. Besides my parents of course. I don't want to talk to someone who doesn't understand and assumes shit. It's all just bullshit.--

65 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Will it ever get better?

It's nice that people think I'm unique and not so ordinary. I was reading some of the things I wrote back in Dec of 2003 and I actually think I'm a lot better than I was then. And I'm so glad. I hope I do find the way out and everything will get better. I think it will. If I can just keep being who I am everything will get better for me. I have friends who care and family that loves me, I should be greatful. But sometimes I'm not. Not everyone is greatful all the time. I know I can't be perfect. I'm not trying to be perfect anymore. I just hope I can touch at least one person's life. It would make my life so much more worth while. I actually don't hate myself anymore. I just don't like how people treat me sometimes thats it.--

62 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Kill me right now

Today I felt so bad I felt like crying every second of the day. Even Josh asked me what was wrong. I just feel empty and I am really upset about daddy. He acts like he just wants to die and that hurts b/c I'm selfish and want him to see me grow up so I can have him. He makes me want to give up right now. I know I'd be nothing if it wasn't for him. So would mom. He's protected us and gave us everything we needed. I don't want him to die.

I have decided I won't be happy until I get the fuck out of here. I want just to go to New York and start over. So no one will know me but Katie and I'll work on dead people and hide everything. I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to date girls and I don't want to be depressed. I just want to be normal. No more sharing my poems. I just don't want to share anything anymore. I'd still fuck a girl but I'll never date one again. I'm done with this bullshit. I'm fucking done with being sad. If I am sad I won't tell anyone why or anything about it. Forget everything.--

*Check out the lyrics to Clever Meals by Tegan and Sara. It's so true to me. This song is almost meant for me. I feel it in my heart.

55 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Different from Happy...
Listening to: Garbage-I would die for you

Being harrased by feelings again. Grr. Of course I know it's not a pinic but I would like it to go better. But I'm putting it all behind me. Trying to survive and not depending on anyone to pep talk me. I don't want to get in anyone's way anymore. I'm trying to be different. Maybe after I get my shit together I can date this guy that I kinda like. I was flirting with him when I was smoking with Markie in the parking lot. He's not the cutest but oh well, I'm not either. I do want to date someone but I won't tell him anything about my depression.

I can just act happy--

63 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Cumdumpster!
Feeling: agitated

Titles of song for my journal entrys are lame I know but I love the song. It finally downloaded on Kazaa. No, I don't have porn yet! Well I'm doing a lot better. I woke up as you may say. I need to stop depending on others to tell me "oh you're so cute" "don't kill yourself" and shit that I need to hear. I need a break from my own life and worrys. But I'm only 18 I have my whole fucking life ahead of me what am I complaining about? I just need to work out things on my own. I'm sorry about a letter I wrote today. I hate dragging people with me but I do it. I did actually feel happy this afternoon I tired on pants (small thighs) in Wal*Mart and got a sub from Mama Nois (whatever)... And I talked about this movie we're watching in English and Mrs. Chapman fastforward through the male full frontal I was upset b/c the only time I see that in movies is porn and it's nothing to brag about (hairy balls). I'd like more porn.. HAHA I need money first. Where to buy the porn? No idea. I know where to rent it but not where to buy. I'm trying to put the death of my step-mom behind me. Way back there. It's working and I won't cry if I only can not listen to two songs Runaway Train by Soul Asylum and I would die for you by Garbage. And if I don't try to write Jeff back right now. I'll write him a letter when I'm more okay. Hopefully this w/e will be good.--

59 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Runaway Train....

I try to run away but everything is the same, every where I run. I have to let go of things. I can't go on like this. Taking diet pills and trying to hide behind everyone. I blame everyone else for my problems and it's my depression. I can't just hide everything inside. I'm breaking down. A unlikely person made me realize that. I do have to thank them for just telling me what I should have realized but didn't. I can't run away anymore. I have to be the strong person I am. And move on.--

62 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Dreams tell of the future....

I just got a letter from Jeff, he was addicted to pain killers his drug dealer told police that Jeff tried to rob him and while Jeff was in jail my step-mom died. I had dreams of guns and I guess something was trying to tell me maybe someone would die. And I thought at first that maybe Jeff had killed himself. Last time I talked to him he did that I can’t live this life anymore. He was calling out to me and I fussed at him. I don’t really want to get attach to him b/c I’m scared I might lose him again. But I cried so much. My day has been bad anyway. I cried in first block about my dream last night. Just think about this I know not to bother anyone. I’ll stay to myself and share nothing. My silence is perfection. If I don’t talk about my feelings I will be fine. What should I do talk to him or just forget him? I feel so broken anyway. And all of this makes me feel worse. I just need someone to tell me everything will be okay. I’m so scared of this life.--

My world is breaking apart piece by piece.

69 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
Was it the toxic crackers?
Listening to: Garbage-Cherry Lips

Body spray and peanut butter crackers don't mix. Of course I am okay, I did spit it out. I thought I was going to barf air with it. B/c I didn't have anything in my tummy. I took a diet pill today. I was hungry and I took it to make my stomach stop. It made me feel so much better. I did something that I haven't done in 6 months. I got the idea from someone. I do feel better b/c of it. But I still feel like shit. I have nothing to be happy about besides this research paper I'm doing in English. Which is great. I love my teachers, it's like they understand my depression and stress. I feel distant that I'm just some body only feeling up space. And that I'll never be happy until I become a mortican. I have to be a nurse to get some money and maybe I can intern at a funeral home. That would be a dream come true. I'd rather work with dead people than work with people who only complain and think they have it so bad. I do that so I don't need anyone else to do that to me. I've already said it all. I just walk around being called ugly and feeling useless. I have to get busy on my paper and forgive myself for being so stupid.--

70 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
What!?!

About damn time that I actually feel like I'm put together right. I'm not as bad off as I was the other week. I went shopping and now I'm better. I bought 7 dvds, a bag, panties, a shaver, cigarette case, and I'm going to buy some clothes when we catch up on bills. I want to buy a lot of blue jeans b/c I have all of two of them and two other pants. Grrr... I feel like a broke homeless person. It's lame. I just know I have my own shit.

I've been having something on my mind. I think I can't get pregnant or maybe few times isn't enough. I want a baby so bad. I want to be pregnant, I want to feel the baby kick and move, and actually having the baby without anything. I want to have it natural b/c it's dangerous to have it otherwise. Just from what I've heard.

Sharon is doing good. Although the baby is sick thanks to nasty sick people in the doctors office. I love the idea of her already having a child. But we always said that we'd have children together. At the same time so they could grow up together. It would be nice if her second one could be the same age or close to my first one. Don't worry that will be a while for both of us. I have to actually find someone that loves me. And right this second it doesn't look like anyone would give me the time of day. It's sad, I know.--

75 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
F.U.C.K

Just in a song don't get your panties in a twist. It was a good day today. Although the two test I still felt good. I wrote 5 pages in my journal for Math class. Mrs.Mercer is soooo sweet. She's going to pray for me. And she said that I wasn't ugly, my eyes were beautiful and I was so slim. Her exact words. No lie. I've been wanting to make new pictures. I just got around to it but haven't uploaded them to my computer yet.

I'm going to start eating right. No more skipping meals and taking diet pills to prevent stomach noises. I'm starting to see muscles and stuff. I can't mess this up. But I do want prefection. But I don't think I'll ever get that. Oh well.--

93 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Can't we just be okay?

Bad week? Not sure. I just don't know what my problem is. Besides hurting from S&C there's nothing else I can think of that should bother me. It's stupid how depressed I feel. Damn these feelings.

But I heard this song today on the Music OnDemand thing and it wasn't edited and had so many cuss words. It's called, you ask. Do I look like a slut? By: Avenue D

It was so fuckin' funny. I laughed. Rilpey's Believe it or Not was called and I will have to sentence a whole week of community service. Poor me. PooPoo Head!--

50 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I'm not Lying...

Me and her talked today. At lunch. She's great. It's like I don't expect us to be best buds but I maybe want to talk once in a while. It seems nice to have another friend. Everyone could use at least one more friend. I'm sorta happy today b/c of that. The rest of my day sucked. I was so hungry I overate at lunch. I looked like a fucking pig. Bad first impression. Poo on me!

[Recap on my life]: I do still hate myself, I do sometimes still want to die, I am going to get help, I do need it, I still have one problem (no one can solve), I'm still fucking lazy; I sit on my ass all of the time, my body mass index is 17.5 that's really underweight, and to top this all off I have to live with this shit.--

76 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
When I realized I couldn't die.

I was standing in the street,

Only checking the mailbox,

My cigarette lit the road,

It glared, as our only light,

You were thinking how

you could get him to like you,

I was wishing a car would run me over,

I was spinning around in circles,

You were only watching,

I was screaming like I was 4 years old,

I heard you over my screams,

But it wasn't really clear,

You jumped up from the ground,

Just beside the road,

You ran to me,

Got me off of the road,

I was still dizzy from spinning,

And a 18 wheeler passed by so fast,

I closed my eyes,

I imagined if you weren't there,

Tears flooded my eyes,

I looked at you and knew you loved me,

As much as a friend could,

That day I wanted to die,

I had tried just before I came over,

A gun in my mouth with no pictures in my head,

But my brains on the wall,

In my parents' bedroom,

As I heard the click and knew I wasn't dead,

I cried just as I am now,

Knowing I have to live if only for you.

60 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Living with this shit.

I wish I could only care about making myself happy. But I have to care about everything else also. I weigh 108 now. I hoping to keep that weight instead of going 110, 109, 105, 111,106...and shit like that. It all depends on what I eat and how full I am.

My depression is causing me to sleep more and the more I sleep the more sleepy I am. I'm smoking a little less. Maybe like 10 cigarettes a day instead of 15 or 20. I know I need to get help. They say untreated depression can lead to suicide or a adulthood of worse depression than I have now. Maybe with manic episodes. Oh yea I'd like to see me get married then. This crazy ass women who never could make up her mind who she loved. I'd be more messed up than I am now. Ahhh.. That sounds horrible.

I have to get some sort of treatment or therpy to help me. Maybe when I become a nurse I can afford a doc. Hopefully by then I'll already have one.... I doubt it.

51 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I've Been Thinking About This Depression.

Symptoms of Depression

How Does It Feel?

*You're sad all the time, and/or you feel anxious or numb.

*You feel hopeless about everything.

*You feel guilty.

*You feel worthless.

*You have a lot of physical problems (stomachaches, headaches, chest pain) that don't seem to have any cause.

*You feel irritable (everything and everyone annoys you).

*You have very little energy and you're tired all the time.

*You feel restless and fidgety.

*You have difficulty concentrating on anything.

*You're thinking about suicide or death a lot.

How It May Be Affecting Your Life

*Your grades have dropped.

*You're sleeping a lot or having trouble sleeping.

*You've gained or lost weight.

*You don't want to spend time with your friends anymore.

*You have no interest in things you used to like doing.

*You cry a lot for no particular reason.

67 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I Just Want to be Okay.. Now!

I just have to know when to but the fuck out. But it still doesn't make any sense to me. It's like I need someone to get my mind off of this shit. Maybe a hot chick! And instead of just "dreaming" about it I want it to really happen. I need someone to like and to spend time with. I worry that either I'm just not loveable or I just haven't found anyone who really loves me. I hate liars and people who hurt me. Bad people. I am getting tired of feeling this explainable pain. My heart is broken and not to be fixed. Instead I will soon enough only fall apart. But if I can continue to live every day I guess everything will be okay. But now my heart doesn't agree with my mind's perfect solutions for any of this shit.

I hate having nothing to really talk about, all I do is complain that people talk about me, hurt me, then try to step all over me just to make it all "better". I want to have love letters, presents, kisses & hugs, someone to lean on, and someone to actually love me for who I am. Not how I look or anything else. Who doesn't complain about my quirky habits; smoking, cussing, that understands my depression & me being distant, doesn't mind waiting more than 2 1/2 weeks to have sex, doesn't try to control me, and likes my friends & family.

I just want to be happy and not worry about being loved. I no longer want to worry about; why people don't like me. I don't want to always be scared of myself & how I handle things. I'm just not stable enough to actually love someone else b/c I truely hate myself so much. I just can't stand being alone & feeling like no one cares. I think I feel like I do need someone to make me happy & that I can't be happy with only myself. I just think I'll be okay if I surround myself with my friends & just pretend I'm happy. It's really not working. I'm lying to myself and everyone else. (I'm really falling apart here, someone put me back together)--

61 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I'm Lost On This World
Feeling: punk

How am I jealous of him and her when I broke up with him? I don't even care. And I'm glad him and her are happier and love each other more. I couldn't love him enough. And if she's pregnant I am so undoubtly happy for them. What is wrong with me, his other ex that was bitchy to him get a good luck and I get a "I-don't-care-if-she-kills-herself-b/c-she-is-depressed."? There has to be something wrong with me. Or I'm just not lovable, not sexy enough, no good in bed, or it's that he never loved me. Please someone tell me what's wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why do I even date anyone. I'm happier alone I guess. Or maybe I'm not happy at all b/c I have no one not even myself to love.--

70 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I Found Today All Alone!
God, why didn't I realize that was his g/f. I got her confused with another gurl named Janice. I am sorry for that shit. I didn't even know her. Stupid mistake, I know. I seen them today and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. But I do wish I knew what everyone thought or thinks or me. Am I just the whore, the lesbo, a loser, a dork, ugly, a dyke, stupid, or just everything they all hate? I'm not sure. I do know that I feel stupid and I know I need to change. Not everything just my horrible habit of talking about people. I do that b/c I've been talked about and then I started doing it and it feels good. But I know when I'm wrong and if I get the chance or I'm asked I will tell them the truth. I'm not going to be a little bitch about it. I just don't like many people that's all. Nothing against anyone. They just bother me they're nosey, hypocrites, they don't think before they speak, they talk about other's b/c they don't have lives, don't think at all, and they are just loud. I do want to apologize to her but I just don't want to start anything. Sometimes I think it's best just to let things rest. This is the first time that people didn't describe her correctly and I just didn't know who she was. I talked about something I didn't even know about. And I swear to FUCKING GOD IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF. B/c this is my journal. My private thoughts and I don't have to fucking write here I do it b/c I like to share my life with people who seriously understand me. I want people to share things with that we both share. I'm not fucking starting anything. New Year's Resolution:

Stop Fucking Talking About People! Starting today! ^See how long that last. I'm so stupid... I hate me!--

53 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
The First Day of Hell....
Listening to: Closing Time

With homework to make everything all that much worse. I do have some friends in my classes and my lunch so I'm never alone. And I'm so glad for that. I thought I was going to go back to school and realize I had nothing. Which wouldn't be as bad as it sounds to everyone else. I like to catch up on my journal writing and I would like to catch up on my book. I think people should know what is wrong with me. At the right time. I'm going through something and not to be a bitch it's none of your business until I'm ready to tell you. And I will only tell the people who really care. Since I'm getting tired of people's bullshit I won't talk much about myself in here. If I have a problem I'm going to make the entry private like "I can't believe me". It's my business but a few of my friends I discussed it with today but didn't act like it was even a problem. I didn't really explain it in detail so they wouldn't worry. No one cares anyway!--

95 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Future Anyone?

January 02, 2005

9:56 PM

I'm in a black hole as to what to actually write about. I'm getting tired of being helpless to what is wrong with me. And I'm sick of not knowing if I'll be okay tomorrow. I’m getting tired of hearing music that reminds me of so much pain. Like the song Glycerine By: Bush and I just love that song but it makes me so sad remember when Jon sang it to me on the phone and I just cried. I want someone like that, who will just sing to me no matter how much they can’t sing I just love hearing anyone sing my all-time favorite songs to me. It’s just another simple thing I love and a great quality I’d like to find in someone. I want someone that understands my depression and can make me happy. I just want to laugh.. that’s all. I want to know how it feels just to find that one person who understands me. And doesn’t want to change anything. And won’t be mad if I want to change simple things like my hair. I want someone who won’t be all over me and want to be stuck up my ass. I want to be like a grown woman and be able to go somewhere without them wanting to know where, when I’ll get back, and who I’m going with. Are they trying to be parents or a partner? Maybe they get the two words confused or something. I want to get some sort of job first. I do want to be a nurse but I also want to write. I’d have to maybe take a few classes but I know I could be good at it. I could write about things I know. I could maybe help people. That would make my life worth living unlike now where I only have “not wanting to make a big mess for my parents to clean up”. But I know my mom would go crazy, Jeff would feel about a millimeter of guilt, grandma might die, Miranda, my cousin would cry herself to death and never be the same again, and daddy of course would have lost his best friend. And I know my friends would care too, maybe they could go on with life but I’m not going to kill myself. I have to much I want to do. But at times it does feel like there’s nothing more for me to do although ‘get out now’. I just want to know how my life will be when I’m finished with all of schooling and I get my job. Will I be okay and always smiling or will I need therapy to get rid of this every 6 month-episodes? I’m worried that I’ll never be okay. It does scare me that if I get out on my own I’ll be nothing and be way too ashamed to come home and beg for money or a cup of sanity or whatever I’m out of at that time. I’ll be one lucky girl if I could just beat this depression. It’s very hard and I did think it was over. Obviously it’s never going to be over. Oh, that’s too damn bad isn’t it?--

94 hit(s) (11 comments) | Say.  
Diet on cigarettes and water.

I seem not to be able to gain any weight but I hating eating so much. I'm scared when I start weight training it will start again. I'm so scared I'll just go down in weight and die. And I'm watching Sharing The Secret on Lifetime and this woman said she had anorexia for about 2 or 3 years and now she can't have kids. And I had it for about 2 1/2 years and I'm scared I won't be able to have children even if I want to. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of myself, being alone in my room, I'm scared of cutting anything with a sharp knife, I'm scared to workout, I'm scared to go to the bathroom for a long time, I'm scared of the scales, I'm scared of being around people, and I'm scared of my depression it has ruined my life. I surround myself with my book Prozac Nation, water bottles, and cigarettes hoping I won't be hungry anymore. Help me... I'm so scared that no one cares or sees that I'm really falling apart. I can't even cry anymore all my eyes do is water up and I can't get the tears to fall out. What is wrong with me?--

65 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Happy New Years...

About damn time it's 2005. Well tonight @ 12. But still. Maybe I could magically not have depression anymore. No hope of that happening. My vegetarianism is shot to shit. Out the door. It wasn't for me. It was nice to think I was doing something good and saving animals but I can't handle it now. Not that it was just too hard b/c it wasn't. A lot is going on. I'm never going to get help with my depression b/c we have no money and I don't want to complain about it. I don't want another let down. I've let everyone down even myself, I thought I was okay. But I'm depressed again. My depression comes in 6 month intervals. Last for 6 months and then it's away or hidden well for 6 more months. I hate that shit.--

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Not So Different Than The Next Nut Job

It's like I forgot how to live somehow, this Christmas. Like I was in the middle of a movie happening all around and no one could see me. I surrounded myself (or tried to) with happy things from my childhood or a childhood that I wish I had. I barely remember my grandfather and I long for him to save me. He died when I was 8 years old. I wish I could remember any good time with Jeff. But there's nothing-- not a thing. It's quiet funny how all I have is things I surround myself with but it doesn't seem to be enough. I remember my favorite carton Tom and Jerry, favorite dinner food ice cream (only at grandma's house), the planet I made up when I was little, colored and named it, all of those silly children questions why is the sky blue? why is the grass green?, favorite breskfest food grandma's pancakes, the knife and knife sharpener my grandfather used--life was so simple then. Now it's complex equations with no secure outcome. The only memory of Jeff was when I was about 2 or 3 years old I was taking a bath and I asked mom, "where's daddy?" Later I learned that he was out drinking so he could in a few months or so come home and shove a loaded gun to my mother's head with me standing right there. In the fear of my life and her own my mom left the bastard when we all moved to Tennesee and she left to come back home and told him she wanted to stay with her family. I don't know what factor caused my depression but I'd like to know. I know all of my self-destructive moments and how angst pre-teen I might have seemed. And I still understand none of it. But I know that in all of those times I cut I was so broken with despair I thought I could live own unless I caused some real pain I could control. I tried to control my weight in 7th and 8th grade by not eating at all. I got down to 90 lbs. It scared me so much that I might have died. Of course I was young then and didn't know what I was doing or why. I guess after my first attempt on suicide I was wishing I could live just a little longer. And when I got broken down again and the gun didn't fire and my brain matter wasn't on my parent's bedroom wall I knew that I was meant to live. It changed my life. Of course I tried 3 more times since then. But I haven't tried or even cut myself in 6 months. My scars on my wrist where I learned was easier to hide and on my legs are all gone. The deep one is there to remind me of my hard time and how depressed I really was. I will never understand why I did any of this but I don't anymore although I do still feel depressed sometimes. But I do have depression. A simple chemical imbalance that makes my mind function differently.--

68 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Can't we all laugh..or not?

I laughed a little more today which was great. I really love to watch Gilmore Girls. It was nice just to watch t.v. with my parents today. It's better than being in my room where it gets quite lonely at times. It's the being-the-only-child thing. Sometimes the best gift and other times the curse. I'm lovin' being home now but I want to go back to school I'm looking forward to English class. So I can't get credit for writing in my journal. Yay for me.--

/Good Song/

The Exies Lyrics

Ugly Lyrics

Are you ugly?

A liar like me?

A user, a lost soul?

Someone you don’t know

Money it’s no cure

A Sickness so pure

Are you like me?

Are you ugly?

[Chorus]

We are dirt, we are alone

You know we are far from sober!

We are fake, we are afraid

You know it’s far from over

We are dirt we are alone

You know we are far from sober!

Look closer, are you like me?

Are you ugly?

Turn a blind eye

Why do I deny?

Medicate me

So I die Happy

A strain of cancer

Chokes the answers

Are you like me?

A liar like me?

[Chorus]

I don’t care, you don’t care

I’m bitter, you’re angry.

You don’t care, I don’t care

You love you, just like me

I blame you, you blame me

I’m bitter, you’re angry.

You don’t care, I don’t care

You love you, like me

[Chorus]

Are you Ugly? [X3]

90 hit(s) (10 comments) | Say.  
Poem: Congrats for Dying

I read the words but can't believe,

To know my life isn't perfect,

It hurts so much to know,

You laugh, talk, and hug,

I can barely stand to live,

You're so happy and I, so sad,

Here I lay on the bathroom floor,

To you're there having the time of your life,

I stay here still tripping,

Drunk I lay on that hard floor,

Only feeling sorry for myself,

While other's just live,

And I'm not breathing,

Or barely breathing I'm not sure,

I know I'm not moving,

Wishing I was just dead, 6 ft under;

Like the rest of this dead world,

The dasies just rest there where my grave is,

Beside my grandpa to be with him forever,

I feel sorry for myself b/c other's have pain,

Real pain that I've never had,

I feel that I should just die, now.

69 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Someone "save me".
Listening to: Not a damn thing

Oh yea from myself. I feel like my depression is coming back in waves of black. And I can't stand. If it wasn't for my parents I would want someone to kill me b/c I can't do it myself. I've tired at least 5 times already. But I don't need any other shit. I have enough for myself. I just hate how some people pretend. It's stupid. Some people don't look up things. I just love that. But I don't care. I have my own problems now. I just wish I could give up on everything but I can't. I tend to find out things about myself I didn't know. I'm reading Prozac Nation. It's really good. I find myself in a bunch of it. I wish I had kept Laurel maybe I'd have atleast a taste of cocaine. I need to get my hydrocodine. I want to overdose on it. It will either put me asleep or kill me. Neither one is bad. Although I don't really want to die. But I know someone will save me.--

65 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Never Waking In The Morning Light.

I woke up about 1:00 PM. I used to wake up about 10:30 AM but not anymore. Least I'm getting my sleep. And lots of it. I woke up just in time to watch my favoritest movie, Grease. That was a great movie and still is. Ummm.... my life has resulted to this. Blah. I something to do. I might ask Sharon to bring the baby over sometime this week. And get my book back from Laurel since we do have to talk about some things. Maybe it just wasn't right. I don't know. It just seems stupid how I can't actually like anyone else. I'm cursed with the no loving gene. Jeff hasn't called or anything and I don't likely care anymore. If he doesn't want a daughter he doesn't have one anymore. And I know when he dies I'll be there crying wondering why he didn't love me or try to do anything good for me. Wondering why he didn't call me on my birthday. God damn it, I'm 18 now I don't need anyone to take care of me or guide me. I can follow directions nicely. I don't need him. But I do still love him as I think I should love the man who helped create me. But whatever I have more things to worry about. I think I'm begining my depression again. Of course I'm not going to take any pills. I don't want to depend on anything to keep me sane or alive. Hopefully this depression will kill me this time. I can't take this repeation of this depression.--

63 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
No Memory Of...
Listening to: Beethoven

A time where we were happy over the holidays. Where I could just be a kid and be happy. Tomorrow the vodka and strawberry mix will be froze more. Better to drink. Going to shower now and feel sorry for the things that I shouldn't have done. Going to wash the Christmas right off of me. I hate Christmas and I'll never like it again. It's just a stupid holidays. Only gifts, money, and candy (gingerbread house)....--

59 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Christmas is Over...

And it's only 4:50 PM. I knew it was going to suck. And it did. I feel so bad. I want everything to be okay but it's not at all. We might not even celebrate Christmas next year. It was really bad. I hate feeling like that.--

68 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Depression Again
Listening to: Marilyn Manson- AntiChrist SuperStar

I don't know the party was only good b/c of Sharon, Kelly, and Erika. But other than that NOPE. I was scared that the food wouldn't be touched and that I wouldn't be the starter of anything. But Sharon, Kelly and Erika ate. Guess who didn't. Ummm... NO ONE FUCKING DISRESPECT SHARON. No one. And guess what, it was done. I feel like the worst person b/c it was my friends I didn't feel like I had a good time. It was perfect before Laurel got here then it went bad real fast. Poo on my whole party planning and inviting. I hate me b/c I invited her. And now I must friends only this until I break up with her.--

71 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Son of the Dragon

Looking up serial killers used in movies like "Silence of the Lambs", "Dracula", etc. The character Bufluo Bill and Texas ChainSaw... was Ed Gein. And Albert Fish was Hannibal Lecter. Of course they clean it up for tv but it's still based on their "lives" somehow.--

60 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I'm so Happy

Yea, that's my picture. It's me...

I wrote some more of my story on acuttersstory journal. And I'm working on a new story I'll be sure to finish it first before posting it. lol.--

60 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Looking Forward to the Beyond.

Wow. It's over already...umm.. Where did the semester go? NO MORE GAYASS SPEAKER!!!!!! Erika did remind me of that. No more go to church you need god bullshit. Yay! I can't wait til English class next semester. And Advance Models and Functions. YAY... Oh Joy. Happy Happy Joy Joy.

79 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
It's the Begining of Something More.

I love getting things for Christmas but not nescessarly the extra shit we have to put up with from everyone and the stress of it all. But I'm happy this Christmas. Wanting lots of cholcoate covered cherries and lots of cookies. Wow. I'm loving the holidays.....So far.--

48 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Veggie Food
Feeling: antisocial

Blah Blah....Eat Meat you Dumbass. I hate people. I've been a vegetarian for about a month now. It's very nice. Getting tired of hearing about protein and embros from eggs. The eggs have no rooster sperm. No babies coming out of those eggs. Damn people. Veggie Sauage! Very good. Eating "meat" without the guilt. Really good.--

56 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
No Vegetarian Lunch Menus

Nothing to eat for lunch but bad fries drowning in ketup fearing for their lives. Damn lunches. I can't stand being so hungry. Grrr...

82 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Thinking away from me..

I was thinking last night of a lot of things. I just don't understand some of the stuff that has happened. And I realize it doesn't really matter what I think about I can't change anything. But I just don't want to change anything. Its mighty dumb how things turn out. It almost makes me sick. I just know not to trust some people's word. I feel betrayed and shit. But this relationship is going so well. It's only been 2 days but its wonderful. She understands a lot about my life and I love that in someone. I'm happier. I don't miss anything. I'm perfectly perfect.--

64 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Stupid Holidays

I'm so happy. I feel bad if I did hurt people but I think they're all better off without me. I just want to date Laurel. But she might be moving back to Florida. I hate that. But hopefully she won't move. I'd just fucking die. Then I'd be all depressed. More than usual of course. Porn is the best! Christmas is going to suck. And Thanksgiving was great. No meat for me since I am a vegetarian. I'm really glad I am now. But I haven't been able to gain weight but I'm starting to lose my boobs. It sucks.--

Sharon had her baby. Her name is Leah. She is so damn cute. I love the idea of being a god mother. So wonderful.--

74 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Plans

Hello.... The Tuesday has been to be planned. Whitney and Laurel are coming over today. We're doing the whole girls rule night. Gotta love that.--

75 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Call me a dyke....Ok not really.

I went to the mall and got a beanie, barbells, earrings, shoe strings, and a Cradle of Filth cd. Then me, Kelly, and Erika went out to eat with my parents. It was great. I did the whole no meat in my food thing which I loved! It was like a second b-day. So fun!--

95 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Either I'll be lesbo or kill myself.

Take your pick. I'm getting tired of a lot of shit. Don't be scared I am still bisexual but I just don't want a guy right now. I'm better off with this girl I met the other day. She's great.--

i updated http://groups.msn.com/psychodyke

There are pictures of me in the pictures photo album Ashley.

90 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Can't we all grow up?
Listening to: AC/DC- T.N.T

Planning to buy my first pack or carton of cigarettes today. Yay. I'm so happy being single. I mean it's never perfect but it's good. I love being stupid with me friends. I drank some vodka last night with my mom. It wasn't much and I didn't get drunk and I was with mom. So it was great. I love being 18...it is the best thing in the world. I wish my parents were better... Mom told me the other day that if Dean wouldn't have been so weird about what he did on Saturdays to Daddy me and Dean could've already went out. That made me mad.... grrr... No more sex for me...ever! I told mom about it. She already knew and wasn't mad at all. It was good to be honest with her like I do evenutally. I told mom I wanted to be a nun and she told me I had to actually believe in god... I thought it was funny how she didn't deny that I didn't believe. That was nice. Overall I'm good but in little pieces I feel like shit. Someone lied to me about Dean cheating on me and I flipped out and had the worst day yesterday. But mom made it better. We went out to eat and they sung happy birthday and I got a ballon. A pink one. I realized I could have bought a pack of smokes if I had my ID and then I was like "fuck yea I'm 18"!--

72 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I am of age....I'm fucking legal.

I'm finally 18! I've been waiting a long time for this day can't believe its here. WOW.... I have some good news but I'll spare you all until I figure it out. I'm happy though. I wish I could call Dean to talk about whatever he wants to talk about but I can't. Damn grounded shit.--

93 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Does everything come to an end?

Tomorrow is my b-day. I'm excited about that I'll be 18 finally legal. Thank Fucking God!! I just broke up with Dean. I'm a little sad and a little relieved. I just don't know. I'm glad I could do it. I thought it would have been hard face-to-face but it was much easier. A little part of me just wanted to hug and kiss him and say it was ok. But I just couldn't pretend anymore. It was stressing me the fuck out!--

P.S. In way I will always love Dean I just can't be with him...

82 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
This world cannot have me...

I do feel alone here. Dean is sick so he's not at school. Since I fucking failed this 6 weeks I'm grounded. Damn fucking shit. I feel kinda depressed. A little sad b/c I have seen Dean since...... I just haven't seen him in a while. I feel so broken. Like glass in my kitchen floor. I will cut my feet while I walk on the floor. Trying to take the pain away I will stop. For you, I'll end everything.--

104 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Break me like glass...

Everything has been shattered out. I just don't even want to get into that shit. Its okay now. It is upseting. I'll post later.

52 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Smoking at night....
Feeling: reborn

Last night was great. But mom ruined everything last night. Its like thanks a lot. Of course daddy got mad about what she said. I'm glad! I had a cigarette when I got home as I was walking around the house smoking mom acts like nothing was wrong. Like she didn't just hurt my feelings. But she did say she was sorry for that. It was mean. Stupid. But I had a good time over at Dean's house yesterday. People are so navive. They know nothing and expect everything. I can't stand that. Damn I need a smoke.--

96 hit(s) (8 comments) | Say.  
Just hold me here...

School does have that stress factor about it. Remember when life was so simple and nothing seem to go wrong. Well I'm glad you remember that b/c I surely don't. It hasn't been simple and sometimes not at all pleasant. But now life is perfect and I love everything about life now. Especially now with Dean. I love him so much more than I do my own life. And thats the way it will be forever. I love you, baby!--

79 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Can't we all fall apart today?

Poor Erika. Not one of those pity-partys but I do know how she feels. Maybe not exactly but I've felt like that before and its sucks.

"Sad Snow"

The snowballs need not to roll,

Its not right so much pressure,

Things need to be fix,

If I could take your pain away,

Know your thoughts and erase them,

The sun will rise another day,

And you'll forget about the sad snow,

Everything painful will end,

Love will come to us all,

Please just believe that the snow;

Will disappear.

86 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Normality at its best.

Nothing's really up or down. I'm doing great here. We're meant to enjoy life and hang out with people we like. But this doesn't always happen. For me its so easy just to talk to everyone. And today I'll start talking to everyone. Even if I didn't like them before. I don't have to conform I just have to be different than I am now. I need to share the happiness. I can't be depressed anymore. I have no time for it. Although I did write a morbid poem yesterday. I was getting a little rusty on the writing of morbid, depressing stuff. I will never cut myself again so I stop writing about it. Its a lot better this way. But I still see others around me that still do it falling apart like I did. I'm really glad its not me falling apart. I'm actually happy now and I love that. Dean has made me happy too. I love you, Dean!--

87 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Can't I smoke you away?
Feeling: alluring

Lunch was great today. I talked to Liz. She likes the same music I do. Which is the coolest. I'm going to repaint my nails either black or red. I can't wait til I go to the mall on my b-day. Nov. 16th. I really want "The Buzz" cds. Its 90s music which I love. I looked at some guy's cds at lunch. I love all of the songs on there too. I really am starting to like new bands and stuff. Its cool that I'm hanging out with people who actually have good taste in music. lol. And like some of the same songs as me. Of course I got that new cd with different songs on them by cradle of filth, kittie, my chemical romance, and HIM. I made a list of songs yesterday with a lot of different songs I want made into a cd. ummm...

Sharon complained yesterday that I don't write enough about her. Well she's 7 mths pregnant. She's getting baby clothes from everyone. And she's going to RCC and that means she'll have more time with the baby when she's born. I can't wait b/c you know I'll spoil her. I really want a baby but noo b/c of my daddy. He'd kill me. And maybe even make me abort it. Which I can't do b/c I seen something on the internet about it and it disgust me. I can't even talk about it. Really gross. Anyway, back to Sharon. lol. Her and Kevin are doing good. She stays with him a lot since her mom is crazy. And over at Kevin's house is better for Sharon anyway. I'm still going to miss her at lunch but I sit with all those crazy-ass people so I'm good. But I'll only get to see her when she comes over or me and mom go get her. Stupid shit. Anyway...

Back to what I was thinking about yesterday in night school. Wonder if I should quit smoking now. I don't I feel kinda bad since Daddy can't smoke anymore. I still can't believe the doc told him he'd only have 2 more yrs if he didn't quit smoking. That really scares me to death. B/c I really feel uncomfortable smoking around him. I don't know maybe it will be good for me to quit. But I am almost 18 so I could buy my own. I know I'll quit before I have any kids. So thats the most important thing about that. I think I'll smoke now and wait to quit smoking.

I really want to be perfect for Dean. It seems stupid but I love having someone to want me and care for me. It feels good to be loved. I wish people would just not be so stupid. I know I act really immature but its really fun to me to feel like a kid again. Of course I realize I'm almost 18 but that doesn't mean I can't still act stupid sometimes. Which is need I remind you really fun! I'll continue to think of this shit. I love you, Dean!--

55 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Medomalacuphobia

Personal Jesus Video http://www.hdpvidz.com/vidz/marilyn_manson_-_personal_jesus-javis-HDP.mpg

71 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
She loves him

I don't understand why people like me. I mean what do I have to offer? Ryan said I'm sexy. lol. We were talking about micheal jackson and children so ya know. Anyway we went out for breakfest. It was fun. I'm thinking about not eating meat anymore.

I just still don't understand why I'm so likeable. Its just so silly for me to think this shit but I just want to know.

I need to explain to Dean how much I love him. Unconditional love! I love him so much. And I love him more for respecting me as a person and liking and caring about me. I just love it. I like how he has his own things that he likes to do. Sometimes you just need to do something you like. I don't mind if he plays video games or whatever. B/c I like to watch t.v. a lot so it doesn't matter to me. I always thought he wouldn't really like me. That I would have no chance with him but here I am. And I love him!--

79 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Update time....

I have to go to the stupid store..A update in order when I have returned!--

I am back Miss.Pickle Queen herself. Sharon actually has to drop out and go to the community college to finish her senior year. It really sucks b/c I'll miss her so much.

Wow these past days have been great. I love being around Dean. He makes me feel good about myself. Like I'm perfect. I'm not doing that thing where I find so many stupid things wrong with him. I really can't find anything wrong with him. I think I found all of those wrong things in other people so I wouldn't get hurt. But I know with all of my heart that Dean won't hurt me. I'm really the happiest I've ever been. I think about him so often. Its like eariler I was watching t.v. and every time someone said how much they cared about the person they were with or something my heart melted. I love what me and Dean have no one can possibly take that away from us. I'm planning on a future with him b/c I don't see anyone else I'd rather be with or have kids with. (In the future of course) But there is seriously no one that has made me feel this way. Every day I just want to be around him until all of my stupid little habits get on his nerves. I want to give my soul to him. In return I want his of course. I just can't explain this feeling. Its like when I think about him I feel it in my body. I just know this is right. This relationship is the best thing I've ever done. Its the most important thing ever. And I can never mess this up. Not like I do all of the other times. I also took me and brandon's prom pic off my wall and tore it into bits. I could have burned it like I usually do but I'm going to do the other pictures like that. I look ugly in all of them anyway. I never thought I'd get another chance to love someone. Everyone had been compared to my first b/f Jon. Back when it was puppy love. But he knew me. But now I don't even try to compare Dean to anyone. He is perfect. And I love him. Dean is like no other person in the world. He might have flaws but I don't see them. Well sometimes I might do stupid stuff and he doesn't like them and I get all sad b/c I don't want him mad or upset with me. I want to be perfect for him. Sometimes I don't think its possible but I'm going to try. But I did something really stupid. I drank a little this w/e. I'm fine but it kinda upsets me b/c I'm scared I'll go back and be what I was before. I'm not yet but I'm going to stop anyway. But I just wanted that feeling again. Of being drunk. It was great and I'm over it. Its not cool anymore. I feel like if I'm going to be in a relationship with Dean I don't need to drink. I feel like its some sort of dishonor on my part. Its been bugging me all w/e and I lied to him and said I was ok. But I wasn't. I should have talked to him. But I didn't want to make him mad. I'm ok now. I love you, Dean. I hope you know that I really love you!--

117 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Testing Testing....

My love for Dean is nothing I could have imagined I'd ever have. Since I love him so much I'll never end this relationship. Never in my life have I ever had a guy I didn't want to break up with. And this is it. A relationship I'd almost die if it ended. I've never felt this way before about anyone. I wish I could explain it. But all I can do is show it.--

90 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Let's talk about sex!
Feeling: spent

What is it like? What weird place have you had sex at? Kitchen, bathroom, outside, school, work, or public transportation.

I have a secret for you. Shhh....Naw Did you think I was going to tell you? haha I had you fooled!--

127 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Almost lunch time...
Feeling: natural

My great aunt died. I went to funeral yesterday. Sharon is out of the hospital. I don't know if she's at school today. I hope she is. I've missed talking to her. And when she wasn't in school I sat with ryan, trey, christine, laura, summer, robbie, kevin, micheal, chris, markie, amy, bailey, bobby, a few of his friends, I can't think of the other gurls name right now (damn it.) Anyway, I love them people but sometimes I'd just rather talk to Sharon. She's more interesting anyway. I'm so stressed out. Daddy still doesn't trust me. I just want to go to Dean's house and eat yummy food. He's mom likes me and she wants to see me too. I'd like to visit with her also. Hopefully she won't mention my tattoo. I hope she is ok with me having one. I know she doesn't like tattoos but eek. I would hate it if she didn't like me for any reason I can't help. B/c I can't take it off. Well maybe if lasers but ouch!--

61 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Things that love has brought
Feeling: unwanted

I want to be his everything. He's so important to me. I worry sometimes that I'm not good enough for him. I love him so much more than I've loved anyone in my entire life. And he is the only person that has made me feel so important and cared for. He makes me feel like I can do anything. I don't want this ever to end. I'll spend forever in his arms. If I did have to go on without him I wouldn't want to live. Life has been perfect with him. I mean a lot of stressful things have happened but I stayed with him. Any other time I'd broken up with the person. But he is my everything. He made me realize that I do need to love myself b/c I have so many things to offer myself and others. I needed to feel important and needed and now I do. I owe it all to Dean. I really thought I could never love. But its come true I can/do love. I love you, Dean!--

75 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Drifting through this world
Feeling: ambivalent

Continuing on until we lay out from being so tired of moving. Life seems so simple until we're nothing. I can't stand to know my best friend was in the hosiptal since she had premature labor pains. It sucks. She won't get to come back to school til she has the baby in december. I went to the doctor today and I'm getting the shots for birth control instead of the pills. But I have to wait. And my great aunt is the same. Still living, trying to grasp for life to live. Its sad. I just know it will end.--

69 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Song to get your sex on with
Feeling: horny

Silk- Freak Me

Chorus:

Let me lick you up and down

Til you say stop

Let me play with your body baby

Make you real hot

Let me do all the things you want me to do

Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you

Baby don't you understand

I wanna be your nasty man

I wanna make your body scream

And you will know just what I

(you know what I mean)

24 carat gold

To warm the nights when you get cold

I wanna lick you up and down

And then I wanna lay you down

C'mon silk

(chorus)

I love the taste of whipcream

Spread it on don't be mean

(baby don't be mean)

You know I can't resist you girl

I'll fly you all around the world

(all around the world, oh baby)

I wanna make your body drip

C'mon let me take a sip

(c'mon, c'mon, c'mon)

Take off what you cherish most

(c'mon,c'mon, come on, come on baby)

Cuz when I brag I like to brag and boast

(chorus)

You, you, you, you

Oh you

You, you, you, you

Let me freak you

You, you, you, you

All of you

I want it, I want it

You, you, you, you

Oh you

You, you, you, you

Let me do you

Cuz tonight baby, I wanna get freaky with you

(chorus)

Keith Sweat - Nobody

[Keith]

I want to tease you

I want to please you

I want to show you, baby

that I need you

I want your body

'till the very last drop

I want you to holler

when you want me to stop

And who can love you like me ~~ Nobody

Who can sex you like me ~~ Nobody

Who can treat you like me now, baby ~~ Nobody

Nobody, baby ~~ Nobody

And who can do it like me ~~ Nobody

And who can give you what you need ~~ Nobody

Who can do you all night long ~~ Nobody

Nobody, baby ~~ Nobody

[Athena]

I want the night

for me and you

So come here baby

and let me do it to you

Don't be afraid

'cause I won't bite

I promise to give it to you

Just the way you like

And who can love you like me ~~ Nobody

Who can sex you like me ~~ Nobody

Who can lay your body down ~~ Nobody

Nobody, baby ~~ Nobody

And who can treat you like me ~~ Nobody

Who can give you what you need ~~ Nobody

And who can do you all night long ~~ Nobody

Nobody, baby ~~ Nobody

And the band keeps playing on

[Both]

On, on, on, and on, on...

Nobody, baby

On, on, on, and on, on...

Nobody baby

Come on

On, no, on, and on, on...

Nobody baby

I want you, right now for my lover, oh yes I do

Place no one above you, oh yes I do

If you need love, I'll be right, baby

I'll be right there, baby, oh yes I will

Oh yes I will baby

Oh yes I will baby

And who will love you like me ~~ Nobody

Who can sex your body like me baby ~~ Nobody

Who can do it like me, baby ~~ Nobody

No, no, no ~~ Nobody

Who can lay you down just like me ~~ Nobody

Who can kiss you all over your body, baby ~~ Nobody

I'm gonna caress your body

(ad lib till fade)

80 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Put on your happy face and smile
Feeling: devastated

They've gave my great aunt 24 hours to live. Its so bad. She's in horrible shape. I remember when I was little and I used to go over to her house and play in the attic. It was cool b/c there were stairs in her closet up to the attic. It was so big up there but there was no AC so I could stay up there all the time. And my great grandmother had a apartment behind the house. I loved going there too. She used to give all the kids cookies. In this little tin can with red hearts on it. I remember so much. I have to keep these memories of my great aunt and I just can't see her like she is now. Her son wants a closed coffin b/c she looks so bad. And he sold her house and then woman who lives there now has changed everything. Its not the same anymore. Its going to be hard but I have to be strong for my grandma. It is her sister. Not her only sister but that doesn't matter. Her son and daughter lives far away from here and so does grandma's other sister Sarah. Washington and Virgina. I couldn't image living that far away from mom. Of course I'm moving somewhere but I'll still come and see mom as much as I can and call her every day. They don't even do that. Its a once or twice a year thing with them. But they all travel a great deal. I do understand that but damn their mother is going to die. Before all they could think about was going to Russia. Grandma is pretending to be ok for us. I mean we all knew this day would come but its just hard anyway. I have to keep the memories of her life. The way I want to remember her. I kinda don't want to go to the funneral but I need to go for grandma and mom. I need to stay strong in this for them.--

85 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Love is something you'll never understand until you feel it
Feeling: brilliant

Love is something we do so well. He's forever until I die. I love Dean so much. Nothing else ever seemed right. But now its right. And I love this feeling. I'm happy and I want to feel like this for as long as I can. I actually forgot what it feels like to be happy and not pretend that I was happy. I never pretend with Dean. If I'm having a shity day he'll understand. He is my everything. I love having him b/c this is a time in my life I'm recovering from everything and he's helped so much. I can't thank him enough for all he's done so far. I'm seriously thinking of speanding my whole life with him. b/c no matter what I'll never break up with him. And I'm not going to do anything to hurt him. So we're good. I don't want to mess this up b/c its perfect. The most perfect untouched thing in my life. I can't mess this up. Its perfect. And I love it.

Anyway, my grandma's sister is dying. They say she has only 48 hours to live but I don't believe that. It can't be right. I won't even go see her b/c I can't stand seeing her so helpless. I just don't want her to die for my grandma's sake. It's her sister, I need to be there and be strong for her. I love you, Dean!--

69 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Thoughts consume!
Feeling: accomplished

"Differences come in pretty presents with rotten apples inside"

It seems we all no matter what label you have want to be different than everyone else. Standing out is nice. Some stand out for the clothes they wear, their minds and the way they think, the people they hang out with, their religion, and their overall style. But usually no one cares about anyone's thoughts. As youth our opinions if heard are not really "listened" to. How can we learn to be individuals and opinionated? People go against your thoughts and opinions with their own distorted opinion of the way they think it is. But who's really right? If only we could live for ourselves and not be bothered by others who disagree and downrate us. No one really respects the mind for what it is. Thought to be a mindless accusations of the distorted truth someone makes up thinking its real when in reality no one is right. Can't we all respect people for being different and also respect the minds of others with different opinions as ours?--

^^^

I've been posting on a forum. http://marilyn-manson.net/forums My sn on there is monkeygurl17. I love it b/c people actually post back and have some of the same thoughts that I do about a few things. I'm addicted to it now. I read what others post and think of so many things to post. It helps me get my thoughts out without stressing my brain. I'm glad we're out of school tomorrow I do need a day off. Well deserved b/c I've been good. (shhh..lets pretend) lol. Well I have been good. Anyway, I find myself being bothered by the same things that Dean is bothered by. I'd like to talk to him without others jumping in with more opinions that I don't care to hear when I'm stuck on my own opinions. I know it sounds wrong but its how I feel. When I'm ready to argue with someone I'll let them into it but until then me and Dean will debate and discuss ourselves to death before anyone can join in. I love being respected for my opinions by people other than my parents. But its different with Dean b/c he gets me to find reasons and actually wonder about things more than just say this is what I think and this is it. I'm a firm believer in stating my opinion and not changing my mind at all. Dean made me think a lot today. About religion and how people mess up the messages of what its supposed to be like. People shouldn't tell me that I should believe in God please tell me why you do other than its right and maybe I'll consider the possiblity of agreeing or wanting to agree with you. But until you explain I will remain clueless!--

80 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Something that is now Everything
Feeling: clever

Nothing can stop the way I feel. Everything so valuable in this dying world. Why was nothing important before? I understood nothing. I was nothing to understand. I only was what people made me. I never thought on my own. I was never anything. But now I am. I love and I am everything. The glare in his eyes as he looks at me, his soft lips that freeze time, his hands and arms that hold me from floating away, and the joy he brings to me. I really can't explain anything. But I understand it all. I've changed so much. My outlook on how things can be is so different. I actually believe that there is something to live for. Or someone to live with forever. I never understood how people could feel this way but now I understand b/c I do feel this way. I can't always explain it not as good as Dean does but just give me time. To think of the right things to say and to smile and know that he cares so much. I love you, baby!--

70 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Not to erase my thought of the art
Feeling: artistic

On the corner I stand,

Looking for you,

Imagining your glowing eyes,

In the darkness,

Under the street light,

The haze of smoke all around,

The town is dead at night,

No one is moving,

Nothing can be seen,

Only lights of houses in the distant,

Loneliness assumes most of us,

Waiting around to be saved,

To the next it seems like forever,

But only when the moon shines down,

Erasing faces of those who see,

Being there as everything fades away,

Right under you as I stand,

Here as I find you standing next to me.

53 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Things can look up that never look down
Feeling: serene

...Like of course my relationship with Dean which is the best ever. One month, one week, and two days. Yea Its only been that long it feels like so much more. I love him. And I love the idea of being loved and loving someone just the same. I miss him so much. Thank God I'll see him tomorrow. I'm so happy. And daddy said he would trust me more. B/c like he said I am old enough to make my own decisions! I am 17 and not 10. HaHa. I'm glad I talked to him. Anyway, I love you, Dean. I love you more!--

Poem:

I feel so alone without you here,

Where nothing seems real,

Pushed away in the corner,

Lost and ignored,

But seeing you step close to me,

Here to rescue me from the darkness,

The pain is unbareable,

I need you just to hold me forever,

Taking away everything that has happened,

In the past when I needed someone like you,

Now I have what I thought I lost,

With my will to live comes to the will to love.

80 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
The First time in my Life
Feeling: ambitious

I really know I love Dean nothing can change that. Doesn't matter how much people try to break us up I won't budge. I'm really happy I don't understand why anyone would want to take that away from me. I can't stand knowing that someone that I love and respect doesn't want me to be happy. Or atleast it feels that way. I'm glad we get out early today but I have to go home to daddy fussin' until he goes to work. I want to spend time with Dean. I really want to go his house. I'm still bleeding so I couldn't do anything.

I don't even know what I'm doing this w/e.

Life sucks when one of your parents tries step in too deep. I love daddy but he's just trying to make me depressed. I feel so broken. But of course Dean makes it better. I just hate that I have to have Dean make it better. Oh well. Daddy is just pushing me away and I can't fight the urge to stay away. Far away. If he wants that I will. Now I don't even want to ask him anything b/c I know he's going to say no. It hurts that he doesn't trust me. I need to feel trusted and loved. I love you, Dean!--

89 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Planning on a future
Feeling: alive

Life seems so simple. I'm happy now and for a long time I didn't know what that was like at all. But now I'm seriously thinking about life with Dean. Living with him in the future. I really think he is the best person in the world and he's for me. I love him so much and I know he loves me. Its like I can't hold on to him hard enough and long enough. I just want him to hold me forever and never let go of me.

Me, Erika, and Kelly are going to spend a w/e together and be our crazy self's. Kelly doesn't really get to do a lot on the w/e b/c she has no social life. And we're planning on doing something for Halloween. Like go trick-or-treating. That would be fun. Like me, Dean, Erika, Josh, and Kelly. That would be fun. I love having great friends.

I love you Dean.--

86 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
Our passions keep us in line
Feeling: smiley

Being passionate about something means that no matter what you want that thing. If its a job you want or just some hobby. I wonder what I could possibly be good enough at to pursue. Psychology is a good field but am I as passionate about it as I think I am. I want to help teens as a counselor b/c I didn't have all the resources to help me through all of my tough times. And I just seem to be a good person. Maybe I'd like to help people. But what is my real passion? What do I care so much about I'd die before I gave it up. Art, my love for music, and poetry. If these things were never in my life I don't know what would have become of me. Poetry is the only way I can express any thought that I have. Music has inspiried me to be a good writer. And I respect art as a expression tool as well. Thinking about my future and what may come of me I'm very excited to think about it. This future I have planned for myself is without a doubt the best thing in my life. Before I thought nothing would come of me. I would be nothing and go no where. But now I have hope. Dreams that make sense and promises I can finally keep to myself and others. I'm just happier now than I've ever been before. I think its b/c of someone in my life that I really love. Yes, I actually can get past myself and love someone. As well as myself. And for once I think I'm happy being myself. I've come along way but I'm here open the door for me now. I love you baby. Dean you're my everything.--

72 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Things so important you never know
Feeling: abnormal

Somethings you don't think you'll ever hear. Until you do and they tear you up inside. Daddy's doc told him if he didn't stop smoking he would die. It sounds so bad and it hurts my heart. I can't help feeling this way. I'm so scared and shocked. So fearful of what the future might hold for me and mom. Esp daddy. I think I'm the one to feel the emotion in it. I know mom cares but she only really cares if its her. I'm here to support daddy and make sure he is really ok. Like when his mom died I cried so much. B/c I knew how he felt. I just held him and we cried after he got the money from his mom's will. God I hated that. I really did. It broke my heart for me to see him cry. I just remember the feeling of his chest as I stood there hugging him. I just cried with him. I didn't hold anything back. It just seemed so real when he got the money. Both of his parents are gone. I don't know exaclty how that feels b/c I have both of my parents. But I know how death makes you feel. Like you're so helpless and there's nothing you can do. No matter how much power you think you have in that situation you're powerless and helpless. The only thing you need is someone to be there when you need them. I understood that. B/c just 2 years ago I got over my grandpa dying and its been almost 11 years. It will be 11 years this Dec. 8th. ---This thing with daddy makes me want to quit smoking for him b/c I know how hard it is for the people around you to smoke when you're quitting.

Me and Dean have became so much closer. Its great how things end up. I've never thought that anyone would care this much about me. And I know when I say I love him I totally mean it now. I care about him so much. I'm really happy now. This is exactly what I needed all these years to complete me. I just love feeling this way. I've stopped cutting myself and trying to kill myself b/c of him. I don't want to die anymore. Sometimes it seems like I don't care about anyone but him and myself but thats not true. I have something great in my life and I want to let people know I'm taken and happy. I can finally say I'm dating someone and I care so much about them. Usually at the one month mark I'm trying to find things I hate about the person. But I haven't found anything b/c of course I haven't even thought about it. And if I ever do nothing can push me away. I love how he is honest with me. I need someone to tell me what they think. I like that. That's why I like and respect daddy's opinion so much. B/c he is honest no matter what. That is such a good quality in someone. I fine myself thinking about making Dean happy. Not out of my limit stuff. I would never drastically change for anyone. But things I've thought about for a while seems to be important now. If me being straight now means that I'm going to go for a girl while with Dean yea I am straight. But if it means I won't look at girls and think they're hot then no I'm not straight. But overall I just want Dean right now. Thats the most important person on my mind at the moment. The only person on my mind besides of course daddy and sharon. Anyway, School has got so stupid. Like prison. But we're coping. lol. See ya. I love you, Dean!--

77 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Joyous words ruin the world

Depression takes so many forms. But Dean made it all ok. I'm worried about daddy. Its so horrible. Help me here b/c I feel like I'm dying. I'll go to bed now. And cry myself asleep.

63 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
To connect or reproduce

Dean came over yesterday. I'm glad he did b/c Jeff's mom called. Actually she's my grandmother. I just hate when she calls b/c she only has bad news. But Dean was there to make it ok. She brought back so many memories of Jeff and my past that just made me mad. I was shaking the whole time. I almost fucking cried. I just didn't want to cry infront of Dean. Too soon to show emotions I guess.

Dean said I would be a good wife and mother and I think so too. I just want to be everything for him. I was thinking about our future and how it might be. I imagine really good. Like Damn good. I do hope we get married b/c I know I will marry him. God I love him. Oh yea I had a yummy breakfest. Dean brought me a biscut. It was good. I just love how we take care of each other. I love you, Dean.--

To connect now so we can reproduce in the future.

86 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
My soul cost 25¢

Don't ask me why... I have many opinions about organized religion and such. I actually do believe there is a God. The chirstian god no. But there would have to be some ruler over this world. Someone controlling life and death as we know it. Not to be judged would cause chaos and no one would do good. Only evil and crimes would rule. Everyone would get spitted on at the site of any good gesture. People need something to believe in to live and something worth dying for. Sometimes love is all you need to believe in for happiness. But what if there wasn't anything else. What would you believe in. I look to Wicca for answers. A religion like any other. "do what thou will if ye harm none" This is what I try to live by but don't. I haven't tried to be a good person in a while. Dissin others about how they speak to me in terms of a religion. We all do it some how. What would life be without anything to believe in? Chaos? Not anything organized or valuable thats what.--

92 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
I, A future child's mother
Listening to: Murderdolls

I've always thought I was spoiled rotten. I get everything I want and more. I have a great mother and daddy(who's really my s-dad). I get to smoke cigarettes infront of them both and they are bought by my parents. I'm only 17 but I also have a tattoo. I cuss and I'm attracted to guys and gurls. Debating my sexually in the past was unheard of. I've done it a lot but never told anyone. I always thought "I'm not really gay and if I wasn't I might be alone for the rest of my life". Well of course that thought has ended for me now. I've thought about having children. My nightmares about me losing the baby has always haunted me. It made me think maybe I can't have kids. I don't know for sure but presently I'm not in denial anymore. I'm not pregnant so don't get your panties in a knot. But what if I'm not a good mother. I've made so many mistakes in my life and have crossed too many bountaries. My time here on earth has consisted of a lot of pain and hurt. Mostly my fault. I want better for my future kid(s). But what can I ask for of them? Not to give up on a "God" I don't believe in. Do I choose a religion or preferrence for them? I back talk so do I tell them its wrong? I cuss and smoke how can I let them not follow my example? I have to raise them right in a good home. Would I want just to hold on to them and never let go? To protect them from a dying world. But I have to let time tell. B/c I have no answers to any of these questions. I know I have to change some of my outlooks on life. Life, as a whole and not just mine. I have other people sharing lives with me. Everyone could be effected by future mistakes that I might make. I fear everything that I have any power or control over. I fear the outcome of anything I do, work on, or take part in. And in addition to all of this will I be a good wife? Will I be good at anything? is the inital question here.--

74 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Crackin' your balls one day at a time
Listening to: Murderdolls (in my head)
Feeling: dandy

We had the gayass speaker again in mr.mac's class. He doesn't listen very well at all. I love when I said "I'm right and everyone else is wrong". He was trying to say sometimes people feel like that. "But I seriously am right all the time". But of course he didn't get Terance's comment about I know what is good in both g/fs and b/fs. lol. Maybe another day!

"People are stupid". They assume and follow like cattle. They are trained to attack those who don't believe in organized religion and scare tatics. We as people who don't believe are doomed. But in reality that are doomed to "hell". Which isn't real. People sound more studpid when we as non-believers know more than they ever will. We educate ourselves to fight the battle. At war with stupid americans that don't ask questions or turn around to see whats behind them. They look ahead into the future hoping for a better tomorrow where they can convert atheist to believe in some sort of God that never was and never will be anything. If we don't believe and there is really a hell save me a spot b/c I want front row seats to see it. Catch me on fire first let me burn before anyone gets there. Let me be the first one in hell. Yea, "God" take me now bitch b/c I want to prove everyone wrong. Yesterday's disease is today's rewarded gesture. "Please everyone just start believeing in something you've never even had a interest in. Come on God is everything please believe in him." What are they trying to sell? 'You can't smell your own shit on your knees'. Sometimes I wish people would ignore what they don't understand b/c they don't even try to understand anything. They are stuck in not thinking and just acting on impulse. We are all doomed to hell if this is suppose to be Americans running this country.--

74 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Sinning in the back seat of life
Feeling: zealous

I care so much about what his mom thinks of me. God, I was so nervous yesterday. I didn't want anything to go wrong. I don't know whats wrong with me I haven't been able to sleep good. I wake up every hour or so. From bad dreams that scare the hell out of me. I can't even talk about them. I'm distant b/c I don't know whats wrong with me. I've tried not to think about it and just put whatever it is behind me but its so hard. I just don't anything anymore. I don't think its confusion just worried about dumb things that I can't stand to even talk about. I do know I need to talk to Dean but I don't know what it is thats bothering me. God, Whats wrong with me this time?--

[Update]

I spotted tonight. I like layed in the bathtub and cried.--

60 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Yesterday's Crime; Love
Feeling: nauseous

I just read Dean's entry and I am so happy. All the time. I didn't want to leave his house last night. I just wanted to crawl up on his chest and go to sleep. Of course I would have got ready for bed first(taking off pants and bra). lol. I just love spending time with him. I just love him. I do believe in love again and I think I've found it. If its not love its too close not to be. I can't think of anything else besides him. All the time I'm thinking about him. I talk about him, I dream about him, I think about him, and love to be around him at all times. My day isn't complete intil I see him or atleast talk to him. I love how he gets me. We debate about the same things. Like religion, love, and other things to debate about. I love his mind. You know great minds think alike. lol. We both care about the same things. It shows that we get along so well. I love it. I love you, Dean.--

91 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Can't I just dance now!?!
Feeling: pensive

Been thinking about love. Exactly what I want it to be. Nothing will go wrong as long as I stay around. I'm loving every minute of it. I love that I'm comfortable around him that I can be myself around him. Even mom said I was myself only with Dean and no one else I've ever dated. She's so glad I'm happy. I've noticed a change too. I danced around my bedroom last night. I was listening to Pink: Try this album. The song "trouble" and I like "if god was a dj". I want only to be happy and be with Dean. I love being around him. No one has ever been this important to me. That I was dating of course. lol. I feel really comfortable around Dean unlike with anyone else. I love Dean so much.--

75 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Sealed the Deal
Feeling: accomplished

I went over to Dean's house yesterday. It was fun. I love his mom. She's nice and I think she likes me too. Things are so simple with Dean. I do love him. I know that now. I'm thinking about being straight for him. I've been thinking about it for a long time and I finally found someone like Dean that cares about me. We actually did it. I'm going to put this journal where only my friends can read it so Beth won't find out. Me and Dean had sex yesterday and I just can't believe it. It was 2 weeks and 4 days yesterday. God I love him. I've never felt like this before in my life. I thought I would be nice to Beth but she took it all wrong so I'm not going to try to be her friend. Forget her. I have Dean now.--

78 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I've been thinking...
Listening to: Marilyn Manson

Baby names:

James Dylan

James after my grandpa that died Dec. 8th 1993

Dylan is the God of the Sea in Celtic

Phoebe Ariadne

Phoebe is the goddess of the moon in Greek

Ariadne is the goddes of the labyrinth in Greek

Brigid Ann

Brigid is the goddess of healing, fertility, poetry, and the forge in Celtic

Ann is Sharon's and Mom's middle name

I don't know why I decided to think of baby names and I'm not even pregnant and don't plan on being pregnant either. I just wanted to do it today. B/c I've been thinking of it for a while. I wanted to name a girl after my grandma but I can't think of a middle name to go with Virginia and thats too widely used. I want it to be different. Using goddess and god names from my witchcraft book is different. Its been really boring today. Nothing really to do. I want to talk to Dean. He hasn't called yet mainly b/c I'm on the internet. I do love him so much. I feel kinda bad b/c Beth can't have children. I was always scared I couldn't either. I don't want to hurt her like that by having a baby now. I'm not even ready for that shit. One word condom!--

90 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Goo Goo Dolls-Iris
Feeling: addicted

Iris

And I’d give up forever to touch you

’cause I know that you feel me somehow

You’re the closest to heaven that i’ll

Ever be

And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

’cause sooner or later it’s over

I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me

’cause I don’t think that they’d

Understand

When everything’s made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t

Coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me

’cause I don’t think that they’d

Understand

When everything’s made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me

’cause I don’t think that they’d

Understand

When everything’s made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me

’cause I don’t think that they’d

Understand

When everything’s made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

88 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
What The Fuck do you want?
Listening to: Nirvana- Heart-shaped box
Feeling: troubled

Daddy stated his opinion about me having sex. And not getting hurt and shit. I really do respect his opinion but I don't know what to do. I want to listen to him b/c I understand what he's talking about but then again I want to have sex with Dean. Mostly b/c I secretly think every guy that I never had sex with left me for that reason. I'm not saying Dean will but I'm still scared he will. Its been 2 weeks and one day. I'm getting tired of everyone's bullshit. Yesterday this guy asked me if I was going to let Dean get some and I said yea and then he asked if I would have sex with him. I was like no. I hate those questions. I really like Dean and I do agree with my daddy I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want someone to promise me the world, I want the world. "Don't say you will do something do it."

I just want everything to be ok. I don't want to get hurt or hurt Dean. Which I'm not going to try to do. I try not to say the wrong thing or whatever. I just don't want any problems. God, don't let me get hurt again. Daddy is all protective. I'm really glad!--

92 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Understanding this love
Feeling: secretive

I care so much about Dean. He's the most important person in my life besides Sharon. I really like Dean a lot. I just can't stand being alone so I'm glad I have someone now. Sharon's baby is a girl. I can't wait til its born. She's six months pregnant.

Anyway, Dean is the only person so far that I let get so close to me. I just enjoy being around him. I feel like I should be doing more to please him and try my best to get over things so we can go to the next step. He is the only one I see myself having sex with. I want it to be with him b/c I know he understands me.--

85 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Lovesick thoughts float
Feeling: loved

Spending my time reading my book. Naked in Death. Its great. I'll write a review after I finish. Dean had a doc appointment but he wrote me a poem last night. Which was great. I don't trust anyone in here so I keep looking back at my stuff. I miss Dean. poor me. Anyway, I wrote three poems last night. I'll post later maybe in 2nd block. Until then.--

--------------------------------------

Water runs right off of my body,

Naked and so alone,

Sticking to my sores like glue,

Is the familiar scent,

Lusting thoughts on my mind,

Washing away every intent,

Flames are burnt out,

B/c they are to old to burn,

Freeing arm surround me,

In my entirety of being,

Drink of me and leave nothing,

But the blood stained freedom,

In the happiness of the corner,

Dark and unusual sightings,

Of the past that drove you crazy,

Killing the ears of the innocence,

Death blows down upon you,

Like the wind, not seen,

Sometimes only heard,

But only on deafness,

As to what you see is unknown,

Curosity and your victims,

The power you invest on us,

Doesn't seem to matter,

Now that you're alone in the dark.

--------------------------------------

Sweat drips off my cold body,

The dead eyes stare away,

Into the darkness,

Where I find you,

In the confusion I stray,

Blinding impairment of light,

Memories that aren't there,

Past I can't find,

All just lost as I once was,

Cloud linings and birds whisper,

Nightness falls and I am there,

Again I stare into your eyes,

Just in the darkness repealing voices,

Sweet nothings in my ear,

Of the lost and the empty affairs.

--------------------------------------

The king comes to me,

With pleads of insanity,

Of things I should've done,

Being here to kill you,

Slay your body,

And take your soul,

Feeling the departments,

Of your heart to will,

Blood all over me,

The knights dream,

Sad songs and nights,

I couldn't be here,

Beside you I wept,

For things I did,

And for the lost memories,

You stole from me,

The past you blew,

Away in the wind,

Lost in the woods.

--------------------------------------

55 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I love Dean
Feeling: loved

I just want to be in his arms. I need him right now. I feel so alone. I miss him and I'm just in 2nd block. I have to wait til this afternoon in 4th block to see him again. Then in night school but I just can't wait that long. Gosh I wish me and him had lunch together. I'm actually passing my 1st block class. We had they gayass speaker again. lol. I was singing the Cartman from SouthPark's song cheezy poofs. I love cheezy poofs...lol I love that song. People in my 1st block are going to have a Southpark party. My house to bother mom. lol. I love Southpark. I love you too Dean!--

I love Dean…

93 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Dreams keep me up at night
Listening to: Puddle of Mudd-She hates me
Feeling: smart

Last night my dream was really weird. Like there was two other guys besides Dean trying to get my attention. It was like I went there to the place with one guy and was holding his hand then I seen Dean and went to him. Then I turned around and Dean was gone. So I talked to another guy. But I just kept going back to Dean. I woke up this morning trying to figure out who the other guys were. I realized that I kept going to Dean instead of anyone else. It made me feel better but still why would I dream something like this. Damn it. I hate my dreams b/c I always want to figure them out. Grrr, damn dreams.

Ok honestly yesterday when we went to get movies the guy that works there likes me. He grabbed my ass. I haven't told Dean yet b/c I know he'd be upset about it. I'm going to tell the guy that I have Dean and I don't want him. This guy is way too old (27). I hope Dean is not mad at me about that. I didn't know what to do. I guess thats what the dream is about. I love you, Dean!--

84 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
My other day with the sad song..
Feeling: awesome

Dean came over yesterday and I just realize that I was actually myself. I am comfortable around him. He makes everything thats bothering me go away. Beth called me talking about for me to remember everytime I kissed him. sucked his dick, or fucked him I was fucking her. Then she complained about me talking about Dean in my journal. I told her it was none of her business. I didn't tell her to read it. Its my journal so its my business and those who care about me. And I'm glad everyone cares. I just don't know if I could put up with her unless I had Dean and my friends and mom and daddy are supporting me too. My parents are pissed off. Sometimes when she says stuff to me its like I don't want to seem like I'm complaining to Dean so I don't tell him everything. Somethings are between me and her. They really hurt me too much to talk about. Anyway, I was thinking last night how I could open up to Dean. B/c every other time I have opened up to someone they would leave me. I'm just scared. I know Dean won't leave me. God I care for him so much. I think its too soon to call it love but I do love him so much. I talk about him all of the time. Everyone at school can tell I care for him a lot. Which I do. All that matters now is that I have someone that loves me and cares for me. Dean is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I care about him soooo much. I love you Dean.--

102 hit(s) (8 comments) | Say.  
Doing ok with all of this shit
Feeling: amazed

I was there in the moment and I did nothing. I couldn't. Not that I wasn't feeling anything; I was feeling everything. But I'm still not ready for that. I kinda do wish I pretended like nothing was wrong but I didn't. I can't pretend anymore. I don't know how I'm going to get past this. Its been so long. I wish I could just forget about my fears and just do it. I think since I've pretended my whole life I can pretend I'm ok with it now. Of course I want to use protection. God, I'm glad it wasn't like last time. Dean told me he loved me and then I said I loved him too. I'm glad he wasn't like the other guy telling me if I did love I wouldn't have got scared. I know the other guy didn't care about me at all. I'm glad Dean didn't leave me there. He held me instead and made me feel better about it. It still kinda bothers me b/c I couldn't do it and I know he wanted too. My job has always been to please the guy. Never for him to do the same to me. I like it this way. When I'm ready I will. But I'm not ready yet!--

Me and Dean have been dating for 9 days now!

From Beth(Dean's ex-g/f):native_princess_28370 (9/3/2004 4:45:03 PM): how bout this one for ya nuts hows my pussy taste bitch cause he was all in that shit when we was together and guess what not me but someone is gonna beat that ass tell Dean that one bitch

98 hit(s) (9 comments) | Say.  
When your heart isn't broken
Feeling: loving

I can't wait til night school tonight. Its going to count 5 hours and I only have to stay 3 hours. Anyway, I'm starting to want to get emotional with Dean. Like say what I'm thinking and how I feel. Sometimes I don't know how and I think b/c of my dream I feel like he'd run from me. In my dream he there beside my bed watching me sleep but I really woke up and he was not there. I actually looked around for him when I woke up. I can't stand being this way. Where I'm scared that if I open up the person will just leave me. I know with all of my heart Dean won't leave me but I'm still scared about it anyway. I want to be around him all of the time. I really care for him. He does want me to open up but I'm trying. I need to try harder.--

75 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Loves and Tears
Feeling: stubborn

I didn’t go to night school yesterday b/c of family pictures. But then Dean’s ex-g/f Beth come over to my house asking me how I could do that to her and shit. Then I went to go see Dean at night school. Then she came over to the school she was in the parking lot. She screamed something out. It hurt me a lot that she seemed like it was ok then she’s going to try to follow us like that. We took Dean home. I felt like I had to see him. He made me feel a lot better. Then I talked to Sharon on the phone and laughed about the whole thing. Anyway, I’m actually happy with Dean. I really think I love him if no one can understand that I don’t need them. I can’t stand people trying to break up all of my relationships. I really ain’t worrying about it.--

98 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Kisses that make me melt.
Listening to: Evanescence-My Immortal
Feeling: odd

Me and Dean kissed today. A lot. Like our 1st kiss through about 40. lol. It was great. Best kisser. Seriously. I know I've kissed more gurls than guys but he is the best kisser. I loved it. I closed my eyes and just imagined us making love. I think I'm finally ready to have sex. Its been about 6 years since I was raped. My last sexual experience when I sucked a guy off. Was about 3 years ago. (good at that) Anyway, I've tried to have sex since then but I just ended up having flash backs and it was like it happened all over again. God give me strength. Back to me and Dean kissing. Man we didn't even want to go to class. I wish we didn't... Damn he's a great kisser. I've been told I was a good kisser but he even made me seem like a better kisser. DAMN THE BOI CAN KISS!!!!--

81 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
About my abuse....
Feeling: amused

"Come See Me"

I try to sneak away,

My heart speeds it's beat,

I'm so scared of what might happen,

If I'm caught I might die,

The darkness is my friend,

My haven as I crawl away,

No more joy comes,

I am alone with you,

But my freedom awaits,

In the woods there on the snow,

So cold and dark out here,

But there is no fire,

I am safe until morning,

When you realize I'm gone,

The bruises and cuts will never disappear,

You left me with these scars,

Everyone can see and you can sense,

But you never see them,

Not as I do,

I'll just have to give you something to see,

And come morning,

To red snow let's you see,

What you've done.

103 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Stupid shit making me sad!
Listening to: Evanescence
Feeling: aggressive

My asshole father, Jeff called and upset me. He talks about when he was with my mother like he actually did something to help out. Like cook and play with me or whatever and I know he's lying about it. He never did anything but abuse my mom. Can you only imagine at the age of two watching your father have a gun at your mom's head? I can see it in my head every day that thought is with me all of the time. I hate him and what he has to offer which is nothing so it doesn't even matter. I don't want to talk to him anymore. Ever. Hopefully he will die soon so I really don't have to hear him and so I can go piss on his grave. Oh I was in a good mood but now I'm sad. God Damn him! I hate him. Shit I wish Dean was online right now so I can just get my mind off of this. Everytime he calls I get upset. I'm not going to answer the phone when its him. Caller Id! Haha bastard.--

54 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
For me you would...
Listening to: Evanescence-Tourniquet
Feeling: vain

Every cut is for;

How you look at me,

As I pass by,

With that glare,

Like I'll let you;

Touch me,

I could never or I might;

Die,

Without this pain,

I can live,

Feeling this protection,

Freedom in your arms;

They fit around me,

Guiding me through the night,

When I am so broken,

You're there,

For me.

I only wished for someone to be this way. And now my wish has come to pass. I love this feeling. I know how hard it is to let someone in so I understand. I have a hard time opening up to and I'm a good person to open up to. Although no one wants to hear it, it took my bestest friend Sharon a few years to where she trust me. Now I'd die for her. I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I'd give her my last anything if she needed it. I've always told her if she couldn't have a baby I'd carry it. And now she is going to have a baby and I get to be apart of that. I love that. Although I do want a baby too but I couldn't do that to her. I have to wait. She needs the attention she doesn't get anywhere else. Her fucking mom called her a whore and threated to take the baby. Like I would let her do that. I'd kill Sharon's mom first before she even touched him/her.

Well anyway my point is that I know it will take some time for Dean to open up to me. I mean he has a lot. He trust me so far. He has no reason not to. I really care about people. Esp. him. But sometimes I care too much. Damn me.--

"Everybody's Fool"

perfect by nature

icons of self indulgence

just what we all need

more lies about a world that

never was and never will be

have you no shame don't you see me

you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now

bow down and stare in wonder

oh how we love you

no flaws when you're pretending

but now i know she

never was and never will be

you don't know how you've betrayed me

and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide

can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now

i know who you are

and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be

you don't know how you've betrayed me

and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be

you're not real and you can't save me

somehow now you're everybody's fool

105 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Liking everything about him and myself. Right now!
Listening to: Evanscances My Immortal
Feeling: proud

Little obsessed with Evanscances. I secretly cut last night. I felt so free. A little since of freedom. It did make me feel better. Doesn't mean I'm going to make a habit out of it though. It was just b/c I was a little sad yesterday and that guy was asking if I'd suck his dick. Whatever dude. I told him no. I'm glad Dean didn't hear him it was yesterday after break. I don't think Dean was listening. I was trying to ignore the guy and draw but I had to say no or he wouldn't have left me alone. I get tired of guys like that. Dean is not like that at all and thats a thing I like about him. I hate that Sharon has to be mean and shit. But I don't want to say anything around Dean to her b/c I know me and her would argue about it. I do tell her to shut up about it. She'll just have to get use to the idea of me and him real fast. She will just have to damn it.--

106 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Are these tears real?
Listening to: Marilyn Manson-The Fall of Adam and Coma Black
Feeling: achy

Too dumb to run, Too dead to die.--

I'm so sad. I cried in 3rd block and just a little while ago. Memories that are coming back are killing me one tear at a time. I can't stand it. I feel so sad. But I can't cut like I want to. I'm trying to not do that anymore. Or just not as much. I need someone to be close to. Someone to take away the pain. Dean and me are together now. It doesn't feel different but ok maybe a little different. I'm still sad though. Damn whats wrong with me? Maybe I'm just scared. Too scared to love. I could love in this dying world but the simple word love has died and went away. I hate myself. I've never loved me thats why I feel like no one can love me.... I feel so broken when I think someone loves me. The caring should be great but it looks like I like it more when I'm treated badly b/c I'm used to that.--

73 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
OMG
Feeling: addicted

I can't stand this. Josh and Zach broke my sex bracelets. Now I have a bruise looking red mark on my arm. It really sucks. I can't stand it. I really like Zach but I think I love Dean. Damn it. Whats wrong with me? Why does this have to happen? I can't stand with this happens to me. I'm not that cute.--

88 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Does it really matter?
Feeling: ambivalent

I'm so confused. Is it love or lust? Really. I think why does it matter. It does matter for some reason unknown. I just can't think right now. I think if I had enough energy to get the tears out I would cry. I'm just so tired of thinking what could be true and what isn't. I really like Dean and we're getting along so well. I've never ever felt like this before. But everytime I say that it ends so badly. So I'm not going to say anything. I'll write a poem in a minute.--

"Alone I think"

In the darkness I dwell,

Trying to find the energy,

To move about and live,

I feel so broken,

Not to be fix,

Loving the idea of love,

Dreaming I knew the answers,

But in reality I have no idea,

I don’t care to know or find out,

If this is my lonely life,

Forever this way,

I stay broken never to be healed.

"Confussion"

Tears of no joy only pain,

Its been a while since I cried,

Now I feel so broken and confused,

For it has already started,

It happened once before,

The feeling that I have more,

A lot more than I want,

And I don't know what to do,

So all I have is to cry,

B/c I'm so tore between things.

68 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Could it be love or lust?
Feeling: addicted

Wow. I got to school late. I tried to get mr.mac to let me go see Dean. But he said after you do this and that. Damn it. So I seen him after class. Too bad he's class isn't around where my 2nd block is. Gosh, I just wish people wouldn't talk to me around Dean. Maybe we could talk or something like that. I could have played around with him yesterday but Miranda wouldn't shut her big mouth. Then today Whitney had to talk to me. Which I'm ok with b/c she's cool. We talked about Dean. lol. I really liked that conversation.

Maybe I'm trying to move too fast but I don't think I am. I think its fine. Me and him both think the same way. Oh yea, he told me last night that he wanted to kiss me. I really wish he would. It seems so sweet. I was shocked and surprised that he said that. Yay!--

-------------------Quizzes----------------

Whoa, baby! You're simply oozing charisma!! Youknow how to work around people and everybodyseems to love and revere you.. which leavesthem completely oblivious to your devious mindworking overtime so that you can get what youwant. Be like a duck- calm and collected onthe surface, paddling like hell underneath!

!! How Charismatic are You? !! brought to you by Quizilla

Cradle of Filth ew.

"we take a pill,

get a face,

buy our ticket

and we hope that heaven's true...."

Marilyn Manson- "The Death Song"

69 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Is it really happening?
Feeling: addicted

I'm kinda happy today. Nothing has gone wrong yet. 1st block was stupid. We had a gayass speaker. People bother me. Like bitches who talk about me. Although the things are true. It still kinda hurts. But anyways either erika or whitney will stay with me this w/e. I am going to night school tonight. Which really doesn't ever feel like night. Its like afternoon. It sucks anyway! I really hope shithead doesn't call me a bitch again today. Hopefully I'll get work done in night school. And maybe get closer to Dean today. I wish we were get closer. *kisses and hugs* Hopefully. lol. I doubt it though.--

----------------Quiz-------------------

Grrr! Your black. Cold and distant to everyone buta few close friends. You love rock music andare wild, but deep down you just want to beloved.

>>>>>>>Which Colour Are You?

74 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Can't I be who I am?
Listening to: Marilyn Manson- Holywood (#5)

I wrote another poem. Its a bit political as I usually do when I'm upset.

"Upside down right world"

Swallow everything that you have,

Leave nothing in the open,

Hide yourself and your body too,

Go hungry and die for them,

Mankind will never forgive you,

Sin daily and don't pray,

For the devil wants you in hell,

Homosexuals will die first,

Christians fall short,

Give your clothes to charity,

Your money is no good,

Sell your children for sunshine,

Clone them and see them over again,

Run with sissors and knives,

Make sure to stab your eye when you fall,

Blind humans, aren't wrong,

Sense the bad seeds and grow them,

Eat apples, they give you worms,

Be nothing they want,

Remember, Earth will die one day;

Just like you.

I just wish I knew who I was so I could be my true self. I just can't stand living a lie. I'm getting tired of hiding. You all are about to see and read the true me. I'm going to be real. Starting now; Fuck The Fucking World!!!--

103 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Am I real?
Feeling: wretched

Sometimes I think what is life really about. If I don't live happily what am I here for? For people to talk shit about me and my friends. For me to pick new friends over old ones. Since I understand them better. I'm getting to a place I hate to stay. Where I like ♥Dean♥ so much I can't stand anyone else being around him. I get like this and then usually I get hurt and ignored. Damn. It does always happen though. With Matt I was just falling in love with him then he broke my ♥. On a offline message on yahoo messenger. I was so hurt since I had just fell in love. I've never been in love with a gurl. Too complicted. Gurls don't know what they want. Eps. Whitney. Although she's my gurl. lol. I think she's still with Adam anyway. I don't think I'll date her again. I don't know why it just seems old. Its in the past. Maybe if she could change and be more open I could. I still like Dean. Or I'm starting to. It seems werid to me b/c I never thought I would like him. I even wrote in here that I didn't really like him. Damn it I'm getting too deep. I even wrote him that poem. ("Can it be?" entry) I meant it too. It was from the heart. Sharon told me that ♥Dean♥ was a jerk and she would find me someone else. So I'm pretend I don't like him around her. But she knows we're friends. She doesn't know....(Hey ♥Dean♥ almost forgot you were going to read this oh well..) that I really like him like I do. Which I really don't know exactly how much I like him. I just need to get over it and give up on love. No one can ever love me.....

I drew more Mr.Blobmans ♥and♥ Mrs.Blobwoman and a blobkid. lol. I'm going to create a comic strip. 20 ways Mr.blobman can commit suicide. lol. That should be fun. Me, Kelly, and James are going to go into the shirt creating business. We have good ideas for shirts. lol. I'm never going to be happy.--

82 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Sick and tired of this shit...
Feeling: conflicted

I feel so...tired. Lately I've been nothing but tired. Maybe I can stop being depressed. Highly unlikely though. I wrote another poem today no its not about ♥Dean♥ this time.

"Controlling every move"

You're inside of my mind,

Controlling me,

My skin is tore and bloody,

I try to gain control,

But you have me there,

At your will as I start to cry,

I'm starting to give up,

Everything I had is gone,

I will no longer feel,

I can't be who I was,

You make me take that razor again,

I place it to my skin,

And cut one last time.

Maybe its not that extreme but I do feel that way. Maybe its just a poem that doesn't mean anything. It does mean a lot to me though. I write from my heart and mind. I can't help all of my poems have something to do with death, suicide, blood, or cuts. Oh well. Even my happy stuff is sad. Oh well. It seems like I need help with everything I do now. Daddy knows about the cuts he just didn't tell me. I guess I really have to quit now since nothing seems to help me anymore. I just cut and laugh at the blood. Drink it up that maybe I will live forever...

But now the cuts are nothing to me. I want it back like it was where I was crazy and very private about everything. Back at my 18th entry called "And this is how I feel". Back when I was crazy... And nothing really mattered to me. Just me with my cig and my bed all day. I felt so alone and thats what I was. In my room all alone. I want that loneliness back. Oh well...--

72 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Can it be?
Listening to: Marilyn Manson-The Last Tour on Earth
Feeling: sane

"You can't go now"

Hold me close,

Don't shy away,

Be everything;

To me and more,

Please just stay here,

As I slip away,

Dritfing off,

To fly away,

As a bird I take flight,

With you by my side,

I'll never fall,

Stay here in case;

I need you,

Right by my side,

Never to fade away.....

I wrote that poem last night. I really like it. Its to oh you guessed it, Dean. For the first time I am really happy. I'm not going to night school monday. I told mom b/c I was so tired. Really I got wrote up. I can't be talking so much. It seems like every time I say anything the teacher (bitch) is right behind me. Damn shit. Anyway, I have been being really tired lately. Mrs. Ransom counselor at school called daddy. Of course he took up for me and him and mom both loved my Mr. Blobman. I have really thought about suicide you all know that. Would I do it? Nope. I seen a dead bird today. It made me really sad. Poor bird. I want to bury it but I don't have a little shovel. Too bad. He was so cute. So helpless with his eyes closed. There was no blood and I don't think he suffered any. Now I really don't want to die. I'd suffer too much. I think I'm going to stop cutting since I can't hide it anymore and b/c I don't deserve to feel pain. Not for my satisfaction. Pain should be for others who don't like it as much as I do. I love the blood dripping from my cuts. Its freedom. I do think I'll miss it but I don't care. Maybe I can start taking everything everyone calls me. It all hurts so much. I cried last night. I layed in the shower and the water ran over me. I layed there so helpless. Wanting someone to save me. I couldn't scream out to anyone. I don't believe in God b/c of everyone. If he was real nothing like this life would ever be mine. It would be someone else's that really could take it all. I can't take this shit right now. I'm getting tired of hiding. It really hurts to hide here all alone. I think I will be happy and everyone else will be happy when I'm gone.--

72 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Trains go by...Joyously
Listening to: Marilyn Manson-The last tour on earth cd
Feeling: alluring

I got home all late. (8:45) I'm starting to fall for Dean. I love flirting with him. I wish we were more physical but things are good. I actually laugh with him. And Danielle. I make her laugh too. That makes me happy. I love looking at her scars from her cutting. I don't know why. Ryan and Danielle both grabbed my ass. Oh yea. My ass is finally getting attention. lol. I love them all. I think Dean really cares. Even if we're just friends he still cares for me. Thats what I need right now. People making me feel better.--

105 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
I'm br0ken; Fix me.....
Feeling: useless

"Goodbye to the girl"

She whispers in the darkness,

Her blood red smile doesn't show,

Her heart still pumps but she's dead,

You touched her and she froze,

Just like she did before,

The nightmares keep her up at night,

Of the night you took her,

The light burns her pale skin,

She'll never be the same again,

She's broken apart,

Never to be fix,

All of her skin is cut to pieces,

Blood covers the floor,

She whispers in the darkness,

Goodbye.....

My first block teacher now wants to arrange for me to see a professional. The wrong person cares. I hate it. I don't want him to care. He's my teacher. I want everyone to see pass the lies and help me. Not to know the facts and butt into my life. This is not the way its supposed to be. Please help me I'm so broken.--

107 hit(s) (13 comments) | Say.  
Count to 6 and die
Listening to: Marilyn Manson-Count to 6 and die
Feeling: achy

I wish I could die. I feel stripped. I haven't been able to cry. All I do is cut. Please just kill me now. Me and Anna was talking about suicide. I've tried it a total of 4 times. One trying to slit my wrist, my gun attempt, and two drowning. I just don't think I can live. I get tired of life. The people. I really like being alone again. Leave me here stripped in the dark where your touch can burn my skin and stop my heart from beating.--

I wrote a poem today. I'll post it later.

83 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
My heart isn't here.....

Please just cut my heart out. My 1st block teacher says I'm not positive. Ho w can I be when I cut myself. I have depression I can't just be hapy. He gets on my nerves. I talked to Dean yesterday on the internet. But then I had to go. Resa hasn't called and I haven't talk to her since the other day when I asked her out. So I'm guessing the answer is no.I hope not.--

84 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Listening to: The songs in my head....
Feeling: subdued

I dunno. I do like someone else other than Dean. I really like Resa and Josh. I'd kinda rather just flirt around but if Resa wants to date me I'm all for that. I really like her. And me and Josh were flirting today. I can't wait til night school. I really like doing the work in there. Its actually fun. Sometime this week resa is coming to visit me at school. I hope its soon b/c I miss her so much. Anyway, I kinda hope Josh likes me too. He acts like it so maybe he does.--

78 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Suicide List
Listening to: Songs in my head.....
Feeling: alienated

I'm going to make a list of ways to kill myself. So far gun doesn't work, slit wrist is too normal for me, hanging is too slow, and might not work. Thats as far as I got so far. I'm still mad how I don't deserve to live since I've wanted to die for about 5 years now. I haven't died yet and I don't deserve to live with this attitude. Please kill me with your weapon of choice. Gun, Rope, Blade, Box Cutter, Chemicals,etc. So with this I leave all my cds to whoever wants them, my radio goes to my best friend Sharon, Britt claims my blades, other things will be passed out accordingly. Request for anything. I will soon be dead.--

102 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Cure my head and let me go
Listening to: Marilyn Manson- Angel with the scabbed wings
Feeling: complicated

Fly away.

Marilyn Manson rocks my world. Anyway. I really thought about killing myself today and I don't think its worth it. I'm better off even if I'm in pain for the rest of my life. I don't care anymore. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm just going to continue to cut and keep my mouth shut. Just fuck off bastards. Dean wants to date me but I dunno know. I really want to date Resa. She graduated last year. I still talk to her though. I'll get opinions. lol. Actually Dean wants to fuck me. I just don't think I'm ready for that. Nope I'm not. Anyway I'm taking my night school course and day school. I'm very busy. But I doubt I'll be too busy on the w/es. Anyway, I could come more to dating Resa than Dean. Mainly b/c my s-dad doesn't trust any guys and I don't either. I don't want to get hurt by a guy again. I've never really liked Dean like that. Maybe I just liked the idea. (???) I just have to wait on what Resa says I asked her out but she has to think about it. Which I can understand.--

79 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
I'm Pro-Death.....
Listening to: Marilyn Manson- AntiChrist SuperStar
Feeling: alienated

I got the rest of my cds back. I'm thinking about if I want to stop cutting or what. I don't know yet. It sounds so simple but its not. No one has noticed the cuts on my wrist under my bracelets. I'm pretty lucky so far so I'm not going to tell my parents or even talk to any of my friends about it besides Britt. She's the only one who knows. Besides Joseph and he ignores it b/c it plays with safety pins and needles. In other words he doesn't see what I'm doing as wrong. I guess not he hasn't said anything. I still feel like I shouldn't be living. Wasting space on this earth that could make someone that deserves it really happy. Its too late for me to be happy. I'm just giving up. I just don't want to die yet. But do I really deserve to live when I believe that I should die? Tell me this life gets easier. Or tell me those lies I love to hear. I might be happy. I want to date someone before I die. I have to make out a will and stuff. I planned my own suicide.--

66 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Kill me so I can cry....
Listening to: Avril: My Happy Ending
Feeling: bruised

I hate feeling this way. Nothing seems simple anymore. And no one understands this is the only way. I need to cut to feel alive. I can't live happily ever after without something to take it all away. I can no longer cry and I can't just write a poem and get over it all. I don't know what bothers me so much now. Maybe the pressure just to be liked. I want to numb the pain with cuts and a bit lip. If I could hide my whole body I'd cut it all up and finally cry looking at the pain and the mess I made. I always screw up something. I hate it. I feel so alone and broken. Help please fix me...--

81 hit(s) (8 comments) | Say.  
My death is planned... (i wish)
Feeling: abused

Right now there's nothing left to do. I just want to die. Life isn't wonderful anymore. I hate it. No one cares or wants to and I hate feeling alone. I'm so sad. It hurts so much to feel alone. My heart feels like its crushing in my chest. Like I can't breath. I wish I could just stop breathing forever. I just need someone to love me. I can't love myself so I need someone to do it for me. Kill me now so I can die. I don't think I'll ever be happy. It hurts more to see people happy than just to live. I hate being in school esp. when I need to cut. Stupid safety pins. I want so much just to cry.I feel so sad. I might have a damn break down.

I don't have Iron-Deficency Anemia. I'm so glad. What a relief! I'm ok now...Ok not really still depressed but just not about that.--

82 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
Can we be anti exs new loves?
Feeling: amused

My ex-g/f's boyfriend is an asshole. I hate him. I want her box cutter. I hate how he gave her that making sure she cuts deep enough. No one would ever do that for me. B/c people suck. Thanks to him she can't hang out with me. Or anyone else for that matter. Its stupid and I would no longer be with him if he did that to me. He can't keep me away from her. So he can just give up. B/c I won't give up her. She's always been mine.--

57 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Scars have yet to die...
Feeling: depressed

Scars show everything I want to hide. Although I can no longer hide them from myself. I can't stand feeling this way. I don't feel happy anymore. Everything is depressing. I can't think anymore all I want to do is cry b/c I can't seem to do anything else right. Pople look at my pictures on my notebook and they don't get it. I'm nother in 2nd block b/c I have no room. I'm uncomfortle in there. I'm kinda private about things I write b/c they are my thoughts. I just feel bad b/c no one understands or even tries to. They're ok w/o knowing me. I feel a little sad. I just can't really think right now. Too much is on my mind to think clearly. I feel alone like no one cares and they ignore the fact that I'm really falling apart. I don't feel that great about anything. I hate people they are stupid.

I do like two people that I want to date *again*. But one is moving away for college and will visit *wink*. And Danielle's b/f will "not allow her to touch a gurl". That sucks doesn't it!--

76 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
All the warning signs..
Feeling: bothered

I do think I have Iron-Deficiency Anemia. I meet all the warning signs. I can't wait til my results come back from the blood test. If I do have it its somewhat my fault. (bleeding too much). I've caused myself to have a low blood count. grrr... I hope its not anemia but I think it is.

I have about 30 cuts now. Same place. I showed Britt. Its cool that I have someone to tell so it wouldn't seem so bad. It drove me crazy before b/c I never talked about it with anyone who actually understood me and didn't judge like the counselors did. Stupid shit.--

What colour are you? brought to you by Quizilla

Your colours is purple and black. You're mysteriousand sometimes misleading but it doesn't makeyou annoying. It makes people want more of youand want to get to know the real you better.You probably don't trust people easily and areeasily hurt. That's nothing to be ashamed ofand you'll probably end up with only the bestfriends in the world because of this - go you!:D

79 hit(s) (9 comments) | Say.  
I hate being a minor...
Feeling: wounded

I had my blood tested today for low blood count. (aniema)

41 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Nothing and Something....
Feeling: wanted

I calmed down a lot and I'm ok now. I keep wanting to stop cutting then I start back. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anything anymore. I'm getting my name changed to my s-dad's last name. I want to. But I hope its not as bad as I think it'll be. I assume no one will notice. I don't want a big change like that but its just a last name. But like he says its just a name. But if its just a name why does it matter if I change it or not. It was so excited when I told him I was going to do it. I loved seeing him like that. I think I'm doing it half b/c I want to and half b/c I like to make him happy. Actually I wish I could make everyone happy but I'm too damn stubborn. I couldn't do it anyway. I'd get too mad. I hope to find someone. I really want a relationship. Oh well..--

57 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
No changes here...
Feeling: aggressive

Aug 8 2004

12:27 am

I know I can't do anything right. But I thought maybe I'd start someday. Today just wasn't that day. I always hurt someone so its not anything new. I hate myself for that and I don't care much for living right about now. Just one more thing would proabley send me over the edge. It wouldn't take much for me to break. My s-dad said today (since I don't want to get my name changed like I thought I did) that obviously I'm not him daughter anymore. So I feel like I don't belong. Even if my name was changed I still wouldn't belong. I just feel so alone. Atleast mom still cares but no one else does. I don't even care about myself. He told me he's not signing anything anymore, he wouldn't pay for anything, in other words he is hurt and pissed off about my decision. I just feel more stupid. Well that just means I can cut as much as I want to and he would never notice. I cut a few more time on my wrist so now its about 20 or so cuts on my wrist. This time I actually had to stop myself. I can't hide all of them with my bracelets so I really just don't care anymore. No one can make me care about scarring or anything else anymore. Don't try to help me anymore! I don't want it. I don't really belong anywhere so if I pass this year I'll be gone. Even if I don't pass I'll drop out and leave. B/c I don't really feel wanted here anymore. I think I'll come back to see friends and my mom and grandma but thats it. It hurts so much that the man that raised me is that hurt b/c of me. I hate me. I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve to hurt either. I only deserve to die. I've hurt too many people. This life isn't for me.--

51 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Yea, Does this life ever end?
Feeling: alone

I got my extra sleep last night. I fell asleep @ 9:00 and woke up @ 12:00. I feel a lot better now. Hopefully I'll be a lot better too. I know I really haven't stopped cutting. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't even want to stop. I know everyone wants me to I just don't think I'll ever be ready. Its the only thing that I can depend on right now to take the pressure away. And its makes me feel alive again. Nothing else makes me feel that way. I wish I can say something did but there's nothing! I just feel alone in this.--

64 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Sitting here
Feeling: complete

I have like 10 or 15 cuts on my wrist. I did it last night. I felt so much better about everything. It all just eased away. I could think clearer and I'm not depressed anymore. Well I won't be until I get to feeling like I need to cut and can't do it. I just felt so alone like no one understood anymore. I don't know what happened. I just know I feel better. Like I can live now.

*Slit my wrist and kill me*--

schoolgirlSchoolgirl

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Marilyn MansonIndustrial rock! Just like Marilyn Manson, youknow what you have to say and you just say it!I like you very much...just be careful youdon't scare me away...

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56 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
On the corner
Feeling: dead

I did kinda cut today. Doesn't really count b/c I didn't even bleed. I want more cuts. I seen Danielle's (ex-g/f) today and thats all I've been thinking about. I want those scars like she has. I want scars....Scar me to death!--

Kill me now...

what afi lyrics are you"Will you cry for me, will you cry for me, orwill you cry for me? I've been a lonely one, Ihad this whole world drained from me" yourfrom Now the World. You stand for depressedDavey. You're sad...you feel like no oneunderstands you. sucks to be you.

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69 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
Hopefully everything is ok
Feeling: alone

I feel like everything was wonderful on my trip to Georgia. Then when I came back its like nothing really changed it just all got worse. Jeff sent me a letter. I was so pissed. It was like I forgot everything and I had no worries. I hated coming back. And school is tomorrow. I hate it all. Its so stupid.

*I hope me and britt only grow from this.*

I really want to be ok. I feel like everything is fucked up. I need help. I hate having problems and shit. Please give me the strength to go on living. I'm ready to give up. I hate this shit. And I have to worry about school too. I suck!--

62 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Stupid I'm back *fussin*
Feeling: achy

I quit. Maybe daddy will give back Marilyn Manson without the ransome note. Damn it. He thinks if I have marilyn manson back and I cut it will be b/c of him. (My idol) But I've been cutting without "my idol". Stupid shit. I want my Marilyn Manson. (like I want my mtv)

60 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
No razor blades this time

July 27th 2004

6:43 pm

My hands are still shaking from the pain. I abuse myself in me vs. punching bag. I won. I got my anger out and I feel better. Although I'm still somewhat pissed. Another one of my friends likes or in this case she "loves" one of my ex-b/fs and she didn't tell me until today. Last night me and him flirted and stuff online. And now she's pissed at me. I don't want to stay mad b/c it might cost me a friendship but damn its not my fucking fault. I'm the one that is suppose to be hurt/upset/angry. And it was really none of her business. He told her. I don't care if they date but she should have told me. Last time I was this pissed when my ex Matt broke up with me on yahoo messenger. I was so pissed I punched the mirror and messed up my wrist. I had to keep a brace on it for 3 weeks. It was 1st semester last year. Damn it I'm still pissed.

Why can't I just be a guy? I'd so be homosexual (well bisexual). Since I am now it wouldn't be any different. lol.

I'm leaving tomorrow. Wish me luck! Bye for now. Back in a few days.--

57 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Just thinking of course til the day I die..........

July 26, 2004

2:00 am

I'm kinda just laying around not even thinking at all which is a first for me. I guess I have no thoughts to think. There's nothing left to think about. I just hate feeling this way. So helpless. I think I might try again. Try to stop. But I just think I can. I did last time b/c I had nothing to cut with. Now it seems like I have to stop. Like I have some purpose. I doubt that its right but who am I to doubt anything. I just don't know anything. I don't understand anything. I just know I have goals for my future and I want to meet them. I'm getting tired of crying and hiding. I'm just getting tired of everything. I think I'm ready to take control. But I'm scared of failing. I just don't want to tell everyone I'm quiting b/c I don't want to let anyone down. I hate disappointing everyone all the time. What Am I good for if I just disappoint everyone all the time. Its kinda of pointless to live if I do. I'm just getting tired of being depressed. I don't think the meds I took before worked at all. I want a professional to diagnose me and actually tell me what I have so I can treat it and get over all of this. I just want to have a normal life and instead of pretending nothings wrong I don't want anything to be wrong. I refuse to play it safe and try to stay alone. I want to go LIVE life instead of just pretending I already have. I really know nothing and I should by now know something. I know I keep saying this shit and I really don't know if I mean it or not or will even go through with it I just know I'm going to try. I'm just getting tired of letting everyone down, even myself. I don't want to always be one to fail. I want so many things for myself and I know it has to be me doing it. If I want something I need to get it done. No one else can write out my life for me I have to just live it. I don't want to regret anything. I already regret my self tattoo ("FREE"). Which is fading but I doubt it will fade completely. I just want these scars to go away now. I want my life back.--

42 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Relay on me
Listening to: Limp Bizkit --Almost over
Feeling: abused

I have to be here for myself. And be strong for myself. Maybe when I'm 18 and get my own stuff I can get help. If I have to I'll do it myself. Right now I'm just living for the moment even if I have to cut to get through those moments. I'll do it. I can't be scared although I am. I have to be strong. I will try to cut down on cutting myself but thats all I can promise. And I'm not promising no one but myself. I don't want to let anyone else down. B/c I know I'll fail.--

dieA lot of people cut for the blood, the feeling, therush... You don't. You cut because you hopesomeday you will cut too deep. And that's sad,cuz people like you, are the most wonderfulpeople I've ever met. Please be careful withyourself!

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77 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Pretty cuts all in a row.
Listening to: H.I.M-- Join me (Yahoo Radio)
Feeling: charmed

I cut myself last night. I didn't cut on my hips. I did cut on my wrist since I'm wearing braclets. So no one will ever see. I took them all off last night so I could cut and rub alochol on it. Which felt so good. It really felt good to cut. Although my blade wasn't sharp enough to cut deep but it still was great. Right now I don't care what anyone says. I feel great.

Oh yea I worked out on my punching bag today. I feel better b/c of that too. It was good to get some of my anger out. Which also the glove rubbed on my knuckles so now I have little cuts between my fingers. Which looks good too! lol.--

http://thisisacryforhelp.com

90 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Cutting everything away
Feeling: punk

I got another blade. Actually two. I'm going to cut tonight. And wonder how I got this far. Hope that nothing goes wrong and I wake up tomorrow. Although I don't want to. But I still have college and my career. I have to have kids before I die. Remember that. I won't end my life until I have something to destory. And I don't know so don't worry.

I'm looking forward to school starting. I might be able to post at school. Lets hope so b/c I doubt I'll have enough time @ home to do anything but homework. I'm trying to find more books about cutting. I read "The Luckiest Girl in the World" by Steven Levenkron. It was a good. book. I really liked it.

I can cut my life away.....--

82 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Just the other morning
Feeling: breathless

July 21 2004

12:55 am

Scars haven't bothered me before but now thats all I'm thinking about. I'm trying to protect myself b/c I don't want anyone to see the scars. I still feel so stupid for doing it so I think I'm just going to stop. Just like that. I feel like I don't really need it anymore so whats the point?

5:20 am

And now through it all scars don't seem to matter. I think I can hide all of them. Even if some sees it it doesn't seem to matter. Its like its me get over it. I think I can keep this. Maybe I'll just fall apart. No one seems to notice so its ok. Its like its already happened. I've fell apart and I'm left picking it all up. Like it doesn't matter to anyone and I have to do everything. I have to save myself. And maybe its just not possible.--

60 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Nothing sharp visiting...
Feeling: damned

July 18th 2004

4:48 am

I just cut myself again. This is beginning to get under my skin. The whole fact that I'm not better and no one notices. Is it that they don't want to or that I'm hiding it so well? I doubt that I'm hiding it. And I'm scared to just tell them b/c they blame things again. Mom will say its the books I read and daddy will just say its b/c I haven't been taking my pills. I can't say I've cut more either way but its not b/c I'm not taking pills and not b/c I'm reading books about cutting. Reading almost helped me decided that I didn't need it then I got upset so I cut myself again. I just hate the fact that I know school is going to be stressful and I just don't know how I'm going to take it. I just know I feel distant to my parents now so when I start school it will be easier for them b/c they don't have to put up with me anymore. Or just not as much. I really don't want to go to see Myra b/c I don't want to go with my parents but I do want to see Myra (Thurday, July 29th til August 2nd). She's my step-sister and I really get along with her. She knows thanks to daddy that I cut so I think I'll have to be careful. Very careful b/c she knows what to look for. I'm really scared. I don't know what to expect down there. I'm just scared to go anywhere. Well not really "scared" just too depressed and I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to have to be in a situation where I have to laugh and have a good time. I don't feel happy and I don't want to be happy. Well atleast I'll have my cigarettes. Yay! I'm going to be sure to take my notebook and a pen. I have to write or I know I'll be unhappy. If I can't cut I need to write. I've been stealing razors to get the blades; hopefully I won't do this when I'm there. Its like I tell myself that I need it although there will be a slim chance someone will find out. I don't care. But no one has caught me or found out. I doubt they would I hide it well. I don't want unused ones b/c they cut too deep b/c they're sharp. Its like no pressure and you'll slit your skin wide open. I did that once and it made me fear sharp things. So I use dull ones that hurt and take a lot of pressure to do anything and don't even leave a scar or bleed a lot. Thats why I'm getting tired of cutting with razor blades. I need the glass back that I used before but I gave that to daddy and he threw it away. Damn it sometimes I'm very stupid. Okay all the time. *Stupid girl*--

81 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
Save me from myself...
Feeling: blue

My eating is better. I read a lot of stuff on it. I cut last night. I've been staying up til 4 or 5 sometimes 6 or 7 in the morning. Wednesday and Thursday I stayed up 24 hours exactly then I took a nap for a few hours. Wake up at 9 pm then watched a lot of t.v. Which I've been doing all this week nothing but watching t.v. reading books and magazines. Damn I'm lazy. Its the only thing that actually makes me happy. Some what. I watch all the funny shows. Like Cosby, Martin, any movie thats on, I

75 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
The Fear I Had
Feeling: cursed

For those three yrs I knew what it was like to go hungry how food sickend me not the way my body looked after months and months of not feeding it. Sometimes I knew exactly why my head and stomach ached. I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pains. And then the 3rd year into it I began to have episodes where I would get dizzy and feel very weak so I'd drink water. But after a while that stopped working and I knew I had to just start eating before not eating killed me. So I'd eat until I threw up. Then I decided to slow down. I stopped it. I began eating all the time and then I gained the weight I had lost. That was a little over 2 years ago and now those same feelings are coming back. Not when I have to deal with cutting myself and now again I have to deal with anorexia. I hate myself for this. I feel so stupid. I'm almost getting to that point where I'm not hungry anymore. When your stomach can no longer make hunger noises b/c it learns that it doesn't work to make sounds b/c I just drink water to hide it. I even find myself wearing bigger clothes so I don't have to look at my healthy figure. I'm not fat at all. I'm about 26 in the waist. I don't have much to worry about but the fact that I stop being hungry and I'm not taking care of myself. I stop eating when I can't cut now. I'm replacing one self destructive behavior with another. That is stupid. Stupid me!!--

137 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Don't look at me; I'm falling apart
Feeling: horrible

I'm tearing at my skin. Feeling the weight on my body. Be perfect and never need to cut. You stupid girl why cut? What do you do something so stupid? You're just scarring your body. (I don't care what I'm doing its making me feel better.)

I'm falling into the dark hole and I can't escape. I'm doing this all to myself and I can't stop myself. I just cut the blood from my body just to feel great until the scars disappear. Then I trace them back and bleed more. I want just to cut all my skin leaving nothing but scars that make you sick.--

49 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
And when I was broken
Listening to: Loaded on Fuse

I cut last night when I took a bath. It was nice just to relax. I feel a lot better. Mom is bugging me every second about stupid shit I really don't care about. Asking me whats wrong and if I'm mad at her. Why do I want to tell her anything? She wouldn't do anything even if I told her what was wrong. She ignored me yesterday and everyone else bothered me. I either want to be ignored by everyone or everyone pay attention to me. It really hurt my feelings. I hate it. I hate feeling like this.--

61 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
You can't feel me; I'm not there.
Feeling: bittersweet

July 10, 2004

6:03 am

I write a story and pretend that I'm ok writing about a girl who cuts that has nothing to do with me. I need to write something more real. Its all fake but as I know the truth can not get out. I really want to cut everytime I even think about how much this fucking story lacks everything. First the story lacks what I really think about cutting. If it was about me the character would be licking up blood and doing it more often than just the few times I had her cutting herself. I want to go back when no one knew about it and I was still releasing everything I had inside of my head and now I'm just too bored to cut no matter how much I want. I still can't bring myself to do it ever. It bugs me now that nothing will make me now that I'd have to hide it from the people who witnessed me saying I would never. And the people who blame me instead of the problem which no one will ever know. Now I feel like I have to do it to stay sane. I hate when people just don't understand and I'm left to suffer. I want to get better but I still want to cut. I'm between what I want and what I need. Something has to look up or on the bright side for me. It can't be like this for my whole life. Can it? People just need to forget anything was wrong with me. I want to go back to the way things were. Before when I could cut apart my skin and hide it. No one would have ever known. People don't understand I'm sensative about everything. I wanted to cut so bad. But I decide or choose to go to bed before I get caught cutting. I feel nervous when I have to hide. Although I'm still hiding the word "free" on my hip. It scares me but I try to wear thing I usually did before when I wasn't cutting but still stuff to hide the places covered in pink scars. In this case grayish pink since it does have ink in it.

8:07 pm

I'm not ok. If it wasn't for Sharon being over here I would have cut already. She's my best friend. I don't want to disappoint her or let one of my parents find the cuts. I want to go back to school. B/c the busy schedule I'm going to have I'll be able to cut. I want have time to spend with anyone else. I have day school and a night school class in psychology. Then I'll get home about 8 or so then I'll do my homework, cut in the shower and then go to bed.--

61 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
This story I wrote for you...

I wrote 2 chapters of my story. Post on acuttersstory diary. Yea its my story. lol. Everyone likes it so far. But I know people are going to complain about something about the story they always do. I'll write more tonight and post tomorrow. Hope everyone likes chapter 3. I was thinking about it last night so I'll just write down what I thought about and more will come. Things will be explain during chapter 3. Go read it already.--

72 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
The story never ends.
Feeling: artistic

I'm writing a story about a gurl named Kat that cuts herself. I hope it turns out to be good. Maybe I'm make another journal and post it there. I'm not sure yet. Yea I think I will.--

59 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
My other yesterday haunts me
Feeling: preppy

Not a good day at all. But I am writing a story not about me that seems to be going good. Hopefully I'll finsh it tonight. I was so tired today. I feel like I should just give up now. Cutting seems perfect right now. I did cut myself Monday. But not since then. I am ashamed that I do this. I'm not proud of any of it. I haven't never been. This is my journal so I talk about my life. No sugar coating it at all. I don't need to b/c that would be lying to myself. Every entry is true. This is my life.--

95 hit(s) (11 comments) | Say.  
Is this goodbye?

Its starting to get a little scary. I'm stopping but its just b/c a fear and everyone telling me all the fucking time that it will leave scars. I don't really care about that but I guess I just have to stop. Its the least I can do. It really sucks that its come this far. Lets just say goodbye.--

73 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Boring Life Shit

I'm in such a shity mood. I need my marilyn manson. I miss Erika. She's going to be gone for 3 weeks. Oh darn. But she's bringing me back something. She'll take pictures too.

I want to be ok. My back hurts so bad. I think I'm going to go take a dangerously hot bath. Tomorrow I'm drinking and we're cooking steak and porkchops on the grill.

I haven't ate anything today mainly b/c I don't want to eat anything. I wish I had something to write about. Although its only 3:00 I've done nothing all day to make anyone interested. Damn I'm so boring. If I didn't talk about cutting what would I talk about. Boring life shit. I don't care.

Lately I've been getting comments from people about me killing myself. I need everyone to fully understand although I write poetry about death and suicide doesn't mean I want to kill myself. I have attempted twice but obviously it didn't work out. I'm thinking about making this journal so only my friends can see it. So if you want to continue reading my journal post a comment that you want me to put you on my friends list.--

78 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Angels take the blood away.
Feeling: perplexed

July 2 2004

2:20 am

"Dead Angel"

Awaken my beautiful angel,

Take me in your arms,

Saving me from this world,

Healing the marks that cover my body,

Giving me the strenght to cry,

Drying the tears I could never cry,

Making the blood disappear,

The joy you bring,

I float away knowing someone cares,

Shield me from everything that hurts,

The freedom I deserve,

While you awaken from your death.

"Pain"

Falling apart,

Ripping at

the seams,

Trying to

get close

to you,

Breaking off,

Giving up,

Soon being

nothing to

remind you,

Shutting down,

Crying some,

To be

the thing

you hate

once again,

Cutting skin,

Bleeding out,

The pain

you can

not see.

I've been writing a lot lately. I'm glad I have something to take my time up. Maybe if I keep writing I won't feel a need to cut myself. I dunno. It might work for a while but nothing seems to work with me. I fail at everything. Besides writing. I show emotions well. I guess if I could write poems all day I wouldn't have time to cut. I want to believe this so badly. And this "FREE" on my hip is a lot of reason why I think its time to quit. The ink isn't going away and it might scar. I have a few scars already from cutting. One or two on wrist that I don't think is going away and the deep cut on my thigh. And "free" on my hip bone that might leave a scar. I hope I can overcome this. Its hard and overwhelming but I think I can do it. Or atleast limit the amount I cut. I might not get the thought out of my head forever but I can try for now.--

93 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Lately I've been around
Feeling: artistic

July 1 2004

3:23 am

"Control"

Only a scarred body,

Unknown by you,

Loved just a little,

But never satisified,

The deeds I've done,

You allowed to go on,

Acting so dumb,

Fact is you don't care,

You enjoy the silence,

While I'm screaming,

Outside I show the pain,

Every mark from innocences,

Yet I have none,

I only pretend that I do,

Cut every time I realize it,

I can't tell you anything,

Mainly I'm ashamed,

Scared you won't believe,

Its so hard to trust,

Especially in this dying world,

Not caring,

Just craving little lines,

Freedom in scars,

I control every mark,

Can't cry any longer,

I try almost every time,

Touched body rotting away,

Over-took by anger and rage,

Not deserving control,

Wrong things that I let happen,

Not standing up,

I just lay there; helpless,

While I'm controlled.

I'm letting out all the pain I've experienced. Its good since I really can't cry anymore. I've cried so much and I'm tired of it. I can't continue crying its pointless. When I have so many other things that I could show my pain. Words and cuts turning into scars that I just let go away. Scars fade and tears disappear. Words are forever. And pain is not. As long as I'm still here I can't keep hurting myself b/c of people who don't understand and open their eyes to my pain. I can only speak and write the words that I try to express through my cutting. Every mark doesn't mean anything to anyone but me. I'm speaking to myself through cuts and thats getting me no where. If I could wear words like I do scars everyone would understand but its not possible. Tattooing freedom on my body proves nothing to people. They don't get that me feeling pain I can control is my freedom. Its the only thing I've found to safely express my emotions. I keep everything bottled up until its a problem then I cut it away. No one knows anything of this. No one can fully understand anything from my life and any of my reasons for cutting. Half the time I pretend I don't know why I cut although in the back of my mind I'm screaming all the answers to those questions everyone asks me. I just can't say them out loud. But through my language of poetry I can express them all without anyone really knowing what my secrets are. The only thing that is important is how they all make me feel. Why the feelings are there doesn't matter. While I'm controlled, I'm trying to control my pain through cuts that are taking over my body. Rotting away everything that I am.--

107 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Tear me apart...

3:30 am

"Friendship Suicide"

Killing to leave this world,

Had to make sure it be right,

Best friends forever;

Even in hell,

Forever together,

Love doesn't matter,

When your life is over,

Your possessions just disappear,

Just as you do,

In one moment,

Bullet from the gun,

Blood dripping from the cuts,

Your neck broke from the rope,

Everything is covered in blood,

Friendship does last forever,

Even if you're not both in the ground.

I hope I sleep good tonight. So many secrets. Not enough death to give them all away. I could never unless you want me to kill myself. I will make sure its right. New places I cut. My hips. When you change places on your body to cut you have to take it slow for that space to toughen up. Then after a few cuts you can cut however you want. Long, deep cuts. I like the feeling when I cut. Laying in bed and letting the blood trinkle out ever so slightly. You wake up with you blood-stained sheets. It relaxes me now. And its just what I need. I love it. No one can take that away from me. Even if I have to start cutting on my feet. I will do anything and everything it takes to continue cutting. I feel power in my cuts. More than I can say for some with no power at all. I have control. I now weigh 112 pounds I'm so proud of myself for losing so much (8 lbs). I think I could lose a lot more. But I'm trying my best. I do have to push myself harder and maybe start working out. I have hand weights and a punching bag. And I could dance for cardio. It would be fun too. It would keep me busy so I won't cut so much durring the summer and just wait til school starts. That seems like fun. I won't tell anyone I'm still cutting even if they ask: Deny, Deny, Deny, and Deny some more!!! I'm very good at that b/c HELL-O I do date gurls. lol. I love this feeling I have now. Like I'm floating. Maybe b/c I took more than I was suppose to of my A-D pills. It was suppose to be just one half but I took two thats all. I feel great. Its a happy thing. Woah, Am I happy? Ok its a weird feeling alright!! I haven't felt this way in a long while. Its the meds.... lol. I'm going to try to work out tomorrow. Although The Real World (channel 43) and Nip/Tuck (channel 45) comes on.

Its my body and if I want to scar it I will. The last thing a cutter thinks about while cutting is "aww, I'm going to have so many scars". Who gives a shit about scars when you find something you can control when you can't control emotional pain but you can inflict the pain on yourself and control it, when you're numb and cut to see if you still feel, and the pain finally gives you power and freedom b/c you've never had that before. I also have found something to help me cope with life and not being able to kill myself. I can't cut deep enough, I can't pull that trigger on the gun, and I have nothing to hang myself with. I'm not sure the last one would work. My mom calls me every second to do something. I couldn't have them find me dead. I don't want to cause more hurt for my parents. But I have attempted and thought about it a lot. Thinking about how people would react and thinking about who really cares enough to care that I'm gone. What they would do with all my stuff. Trying to solve the puzzle and none of the pieces are in my room. They are all inside my head, never to escape just like I can't escape from it myself. I hate that I can't just give away my secret. Its too heart-breaking and I just might break apart myself. Not knowing what to do. Or how to do it. I can only live forever; never dying. B/c the thought of it is enough to tear you apart inside. Suicide forever, Death so much truth, and Life something not vaulable enough to let it all go.--

59 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Never stopping until you scream my name
Feeling: tired

June 28, 2004

2:22 am

I remember that helpless feeling now. Its back maybe not to stay but I know its here. I'm uncer the pressure again and its different this time. I have to say I love it. I can cut whenever and no one seems to care. I still wish I had never told anyone or that my mom wouldn't have found the cuts. I want the feeling back that I had. I want to be able to lay around and feel nothing but the opening scabs of my cuts. I only wish that I can be saved. Saved from everyone who has hurt me. I can never get over the hurt. I can only control the hurting I place on my skin. I have 30 cuts now. All little cuts in one stop. I love them. They are hid away from the world and I get to see them and touch them. It makes me feel loved. Even if people don't know I am loved b/c I have them. It shows that I am strong and I can punish myself every day. And have been since...... this past Thursday. I love doing it now. Its every day I have something to look forward to and getting happiness. I'm getting careless with myself b/c I don't care and I really love it. I'm down in weight and it makes me feel powerful. I controlled it. Just like I'm controlling my pain. I didn't take my med. Saturday. I went the whole day feeling free. I don't think anyone can stop me now. No one but myself and I'm not going to stop something that feels this good. It feels like I have my life back. I missed it and now its returned. I feel free not tied down anymore. I did want to die before I started back cutting. I don't even remember why I did it I guess I felt like I had to, to save my life. I don't really want to die and I'm glad I'm cutting b/c its what I need right now. I'm saving my life be happy for me b/c I'm not dead yet....... I will continue controlling myself and my pain.--

65 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Explaining fear of one person
Feeling: slothful

I can't explain it. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm ashamed and have a fear that I'll just disappoint everyone if I tell them. I don't want to be more of a problem and if I pretend I'm happy no one will see how much I failed. Think happy thoughts. Just happy. I don't understand why. Everyone thought I was doing great. Maybe I wanted to be great b/c I wanted to pretend I could handle it by myself but I can't. I also feel stupid. Why do I do this?

Maybe to prove that I can still feel. Its a hard thing to cope with being happy. Not much bothers me anymore and I just proved that breaking a promise, trying to keep a secret, and lying to myself, hurts like hell. Maybe sometimes I think I don't deserve to be happy and just like to be depressed and sad. But I also proved I'm not depressed by cutting this time I just am scared of myself again. I can't hold this inside anymore. I'm falling apart and I need to talk to someone. But I'm not ready to talk about this. I just don't want to talk at all. I need to be held.--

102 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
Feeling a little...
Feeling: undecided

Like I need to cut but I just can't bring myself to do it. Erika is over here it almost 4:00am and she's in my bed sleeping. I'm kinda tired too. I might just sit up in my room and type very quitely but I don't know if I can really sleep when I want to cut so bad. I'm trying to use what self control I have and just say no but its really hard. Please cut me open and play with my insides. Oh well maybe next time... I hope Britt gets to come over tomorrow. (I miss ya bunchies) Anyway, I'm heading to my room.. Good night!--

67 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Open it up b/c I still want to see
Feeling: insatiable

Feeling a little mentally stressed. With all my research I don't have all the answers. I know myself enough to know I don't need or want to cut myself. Its hard to get to this point but I think I'm here. Right this second I wouldn't mind cutting myself. But my thoughts are so mixed up I don't know what I really want. I think if it wasn't for the anti-depressants I would cut right now but I'm taking them. This is hard, if someone says its not they're lying. A very big lie may I add. I'm going to be a senior thats stress enough. Its going to be stressful b/c school no matter the grade is stressful. But I have so many things going on in my head. I'm trying to get better, I'm thinking about my career, senior classes, repeating spanish 2, trying to figure out if I can do it all, I don't want to fail at everything, and I'm worried that stress from school will not be good on me. But they can't just make school not stressful b/c of me. Then of course to be fair they'd have to make the whole world not stressful. Ok Now I'm stressed. blah. My head hurts with all these thoughts. Stupid thoughts. I've been so busy on trying to study myself I haven't had time or even wanted to wash my hair. Oh lazy me. I keep putting it off. I am some what excited to have a lot of work in school. Lets see I have morning classes (8 hours) then I have a night school class. Psychology my favoritest thing in the world which they will find some way to make it boring and stressful. Teachers have a way of doing that. Wonder who teaches it? I dunno. I realize things are different. I've been through a lot these few years. Even before high school I went through a lot. I made it through and now its so hard for me to make it through this. This time its the scars that keep going away. I hate that I keep having the only thing that keeps me sane going away each time I make it. I control that and nothing else seems to be controble. My future is controled by me but thats not right this second. What can I control this second that would matter?

The situation with Jeff isn't bothering me now. I said what I could and even though it didn't work I still know I tried. What he does is not in my hands now. Its in his hands if he doesn't care I can't make him. I have to take care of myself before I can stress over someone else. I don't need stress. And that was something I turned into stress by myself. I need happy things around me and people who actually care and understand. I really don't need him right now in my life. I can't give 100% and he give next to nothing. No one deserves that from anyone. And neither do I since I'm giving all I got to make myself happy. Happiness doesn't grow on trees ya know. Food makes good for happiness. Don't ya think. And since its not possible for me to get fat. YAY. (blueberry muffins yummy)

I read a lot of shit about cutting and everyone's way of stopping. I found one the I really like. Although I don't know the website I got it from I'll post it on my group @ msn. But it talks about self help strategies and exercises that you can do. Like for example writing things like a auto bio, things you like and dislike about yourself, etc. It might help me with not thinking about cutting and improve my writing skills. It might even be fun for me just something different. I've already wrote two mini-auto bios. One about my father Jeff for school and the other about my 4 yrs of self destrustive behavior which includes food and weight issues, drinking, drugs, pills and cutting. I'll type it again and post it on my group. I should write although one about relationships but I have one about a few of my relationships I just don't know where it is. I used to do nothing but write short stories and poems. I haven't wrote a good poem in a while. I guess my mind is somewhere else or just blancing out b/c of my meds. I hope I can still write poems. OMG, what if I loose that b/c I would always tap into my emotions and not I really don't have many. Just a lot of mental stress. Thats not much to write about. Its kinda boring unless I could put a werid crazy upside down zone with a insane feel with it. I dunno what I'm even talking about. I do break down and have a freak out fest so maybe I could write a poem in that exact moment. I wonder how that would turn out. I'm just having my random-thoughts-moment-b/c-I'm-taking-meds-and-being-all-hyper.

I'm really getting tired of being depressed. Its really getting old but mine has been untreated for no one knows how long so I just don't know. I just have to learn all about myself. B/c I don't trust anyone else to do it right. I like having help but no one can know me better than myself. I'm not saying I would be a relible source but I'm better than some psycharist that doesn't know theirself. And only wants the money not to help people. Thats why I'm going to be a counselor. Since I know a lot more about things than anyone at school does. They need to be re-educated on teens and problems teens face. Old things are coming up more now than ever before. More girls are cutting or self-harming in some way and less and less are having food problems. I'm not saying its not going on just that no one seems to notice. And all the clues are just right there and all they have to do is look and observe. I don't hide my arms for no reason. DU-UH! I know teachers aren't suppose to worry with things like that but they should be aware. A girl isn't just going to come up one day in class if she's crying and people ask her whats wrong she's not going to say 'I just cut' or 'I just threw up my food from lunch' or 'I'm getting abused at home' etc. Come on now teens now days don't just talk to adults about everything not even their parents and if they told their parents they had a problem the fear of their parents freaking out and sending them to some mental hospital. If your friends don't notice or understand, parents freak out, and teachers and staff at school don't know to look what are teens to do. And not everyone can look it up on the internet and know they aren't alone. I want to just get out there and educate people on this stuff but of course who would even listen to me. But I be damn I will try. Thats more I can say for some. If you don't try you'll never know if you would have failed.

Less about everyone else and more about me. I'm tired. I want more food. I'm like a little baby fighting sleep. grrr........ No sleep. I need to write. about?? ummm.... I have nothing.--

58 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Popping Rubber Bands and Control
Feeling: unwanted

..They really work. I couldn't believe it but they do work. I like the idea since I'm going back to school. Ya know in August.lol. But I know I'll just get deeper in the depression b/c people are assholes and make gay comments and get on my nerves. grrr... I want to be the lonely girl in the corner again. Ok now I'm depressed. Stupid shit. I want to be ok. Like never feel sad ever again. I just want to get 100% better like right now.I haven't cut since last Tues. I think. It was just tracing my old cuts nothing big. I'm getting control over this and I'm controling my thoughts. But sometimes bad ones get in but that normal with depression. Even on meds some things still hurt your feelings. Wonder how long this depression has went on unnoticed? I really can't say. I think it was way before I started cutting. I cut for the first time ever the last part of 7th grade. But before that in 5th and 6th I was experimenting with girls. And had no other friends just two and my b/f in 5th grade. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else. Friendship for me was kissing and other things not meant in a friendship. But of course I confused the two. The starting in 7th grade I felt like if I couldn't control my werid feelings for girls I'd control what I ate which turned into nothing. I began craving things into my leg with an dull knife. It continued every winter so I could hide the cuts on my wrist. Although they were small and looked like a rose bush attacked me in one spot the cuts gave me a sense of control. I could control the pain and my weight. After two yrs of not eating right (water and crackers and what food I had to eat while people were looking). I didn't want anyone to know what was wrong b/c it didn't feel wrong to me I was in control I was never in control of anything before. Never thoughts, feelings, or actions. Some done to me and put on me but I still felt like I should have controled that so in a way it was punishing myself also. I stopped for a year in 8th grade and the last 6 months of 9th grade then in 10th grade I drank and smoked pot so I was still controling something. Then Jan. 15th 2004 I cut again. I'm going to be a senior this coming up year I know I will have a lot of pressure on me. What will I do? What will I control?--

91 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
My days are full of darkness
Feeling: misunderstood

I want to cut. But then again I don't. As soon as I get strong enough to control the thoughts and not cut; I think about it more and cut myself. I'm lying to everyone and betraying everyone who's ever tried to help me. I'm failing no one but myself. I know I need help but I'm not brave enough to ask. No one can help me but myself. I shouldn't depend on everyone like I do. I need to share this with someone and get help. But I love cutting. I guess if I act "sane" then when school starts I can hide my cuts again b/c I'm not home as much. Too bad its summer and I'm expected to go swimming. I love it but I can't in the light of day b/c my parents will notice cuts. I don't know where to cut b/c my legs and wrist are always visible. I tried on my feet but it just tickles. What about my hips. I guess I could. I'm scared b/c I don't want to make my parents disappointed in me for this. I said I'd stop and I'm sitting here trying to find a way to hide it. God I suck...--

73 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
A cut I didn't do......
Feeling: dead

My thumb got cut today and I didn't do it. I was getting into my pool and putting the umbrella up. It bled a lot. I felt so distant and alone b/c I didn't do it myself. I felt like I shouldn't do normal things like put on a cute two piece bathing suit and go swimming. I don't feel wanted anywhere. Like I don't even belong. It sucks. Obviously I felt like shit. I took a nap today and wanted a lot of food.

I need something more. It seems like my old cuts just disappear and thats the end of it. Like they didn't matter. Nothing really matters. Not anymore. I'm just crazy.... It sucks.--

83 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
More broken glass....
Feeling: pathetic

My dreams just lay there and scream. Suicide. And it wasn't me either. It was some guy committing suicide in a dream I had. It was horrible.

I cut Tues. over my old cuts again. It felt great. I used the broken glass. Me and Brittney broke it when she was over here. It was the best. Cutting is starting to feel normal again. Before it was just weird. But oh well.

I am free again. Nothing else seems to matter. I wanted to cut today but Sharon is over here. I know it will bleed a while and she would know. She just read that up there so it might not even matter. She wants me to stop. She just doesn't understand why I still do it. And I don't either. I don't care. Sometimes I want to be better then other times I just want to cut.--

79 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
A little bit of willpower to go with the wine.....
Feeling: unwanted

I feel a little whole today. Before I was just empty. Now I'm filled with something and I don't know what it is. Other than me caring about Britt being ok. I read a lot of things about cutting to help me and her. It was all helpful. I want to go to her house to talk to her about it. I feel like I can explain it better. You know. So they'll know what to do to help her at home besides ignoring it. Ok less about her and more about me!!! (LOL) I am going back and forth sometimes I think its best if I quit then other times I just want to keep cutting. I have cut since those 4 little cuts. So I'm doing ok. I don't need it as much as possible. And if people are expecting to see every where you used to cut you really don't want to cut anymore. I have my parents watching me like a hawk. They understand all about it and my depression they're helping me and I can talk to them about anything.--

63 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Books and such
Feeling: angsty

I had fun today with Brittney. I got my book Lisa, Bright and Dark. I'll post a review after I read it. I hope its good. Hey, good so far. I was to die of boredom here at home. Glad I got out of the house. Finally. I can't wait til school starts I'll be a senior. YAY. I want to change the world help everyone learn what and how it feels to cut. How this depression makes me feel. I want to speak out. But I know no one would want to listen to a psycho.... I really want everyone to know. People are stupid though. lol.. I can't believe its almost 5 years since I cut for the first time and I've been cutting 4 1/2 years. damn...--

60 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Ask me not
Feeling: bitchy

Its my life and I don't justify my actions with excuses. I don't plan on listening to everyone's fucked up ideas of how I should live MY life. So no matter how much you care please don't. I know when I'm wrong and I know what to do to make me happy. And right now I'm ahppier than I usually am so don't try to tell me what to do. When I think I need the help I'll ask for it. OK...--

58 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Secret Marshmallows
Feeling: unhappy

Everything bothered me today. It was like I just wanted to be left alone but no one did that. I was really bored too. We roasted marshmallows about 1 am. That was fun. But before that when I took a bath I thought of something. Its a secret but I'll share anyway. What if I continued how I've been for 4 yrs. I know a few places and no one would even noticed. Not that they're noticing now anyway. I'll only did it when I need to. And everyone will be happy. I won't be a failure for anyone else and I'll feel better day by day. No one has to know..--

101 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
So psycho..
Feeling: mopey

I didn't take my anti depression pill today b/c I woke up real late. I feel like shit but I talk to daddy about me feeling like a failure b/c I can't control the thoughts of cutting. I want to make them go away. One night I felt like killing myself. I just want the thoughts to go away b/c even my laughs don't drain them out. I put on some KORN I recorded off the radio and put on headphones and turned the volume up to 27. It only goes to 32. Thats max volume. Well anyway it help some but then the song was over.... Daddy gave all my cds back besides marilyn manson and murderdolls. I hate that. I had my freak out fest again last night. I couldn't cut b/c they look for shit like that but I wanted to so bad. But I talk to my parents instead and smoked a cigarette outside ok 3 within 5 mins. (my parents do know I smoke) I just needed some air. I had to get out of the house b/c I knew I'd find something to cut with.--

80 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
thoughts and tears

crying..these thoughts are taking over and I might just give up..just help me now before its too late.....--

60 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Feelings don't die...
Feeling: insatiable

Can't I cry like I'm 3 and say I give up. Let me sleep forever. This is so hard for me. I can't quit cutting by myself. I need help. Professional help. Lock me away and throw the key in the ocean. Please someone stop me......I feel like I can't do this by myself. I need some help....HELP ME FOR I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO... Or what to do with myself.--

55 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Control these thoughts of mine

I know I need to quit cutting but DAMN its so hard. Its like I want it but I know I don't need it. If I can't fight that erge every day I'll be ok. But its so hard to fight the feeling. It seems like there's not one day go by where I don't think about cutting and most of the time get really close to doing it. I can only fight the feeling when I have nothing to cut with. But if I do know that I will cut.....--

58 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Kill me now for I suffer no more.

I was getting better just to have a little freak out fest today...WOW. Throw me away b/c now I am just trash to you. I'm everything I hate and well I hate it all. Please turn me off b/c I'm going too fast. And stop me b/c I am dangerous......Nothing more to say!--

57 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Poems in my array of value
Feeling: nutty

"True Beauty of Happiness"

Simple but priceless,

No longer the cuts,

Feelings that kept me awake,

Caring supposed to be hours away,

Too far to even see the darkness,

Slipping away into the light,

Sky falls the rain that washes you,

Those dreams you keep locked away,

Only if you spoke the words,

Realized you're alive,

Although you feel nothing,

Only b/c you're not feeling sad,

This feeling overtakes all the rest,

Making you dry the tears,

Thinking clear as day,

To apologize for nothing,

Not anything that matters now,

But the feelings outside.

"Break Through"

This confusion,

That bothers me,

Under its spell,

I suffer,

Only as I break through,

To the other side,

Outside, everthing seen,

Nothing burns,

But this cigarette,

I never freeze,

In my steps,

I walk on,

Even if I dream,

For a second,

Then I'm back,

Here,

Where it was good,

The words,

I could never remember,

Only as I break through,

This spell,

Of depression.

61 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Raise the bar and break me down
Feeling: patriotic

June 5 2004

7:56 pm

I went to grandma's house got my hair cut. And I got another guitar pick for my necklace. I got just a few low layers. I'm going to Sharon's sister in law to get some highlights in my hair. Or just red tips. For some reason I felt different today. Before I got my hair cut of course. I had a chance to swim with my two younger girl cousins and I remembered I couldn't b/c of my cut. I can't explain it to them. They already know I'm gay I don't want them to think I'm crazy too. Although I'm not at all. But they're 12 and 9 so you know they wouldn't understand completely and hell I can't even explain it fully to my friends. So I just didn't want to get into it with them. I walked a lot today and they made me feel so tired. Why am I so tired now days? Damn depression. lol. I got two shirts today and some bracelets. I need more games for my gameboy advance b/c mario gets on my nerves. I keep playing the same thing over and over again. grrr...I should just get new games. But I have no money. I want to go to the pawn shop to get used cds and old playstation 1 games. Hey its cheap and I'm a little low on money. I need a job yea something else to keep me busy and drive me insane.

I eat a lot more than I did. Mostly all of the damn time. I don't care but I know I won't get fat. If I do it will just make the problem worse. I feel much better that I got my hair cut. But I can't do something like that just to make me feel better. This is why I really hate feeling this way. I'm surprised I can sit here this long since I haven't took my meds yet. I just can't think right. But other than that I feel ok. Maybe thats why I felt different and have been eating a lot today b/c I didn't take my meds. Oh darn. lol. I'm either tired or bored. I hate that I can only get online once a day. That sucks ass. Blah! Oh well.--

46 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
And I sit here standing
Feeling: touchy

June 4 2004

10:46 pm

Today I tired my best to be happy but with me thinking about going to a psychiatrist. I'm kinda scared and I know I need help. But I can't help but think what he or she will think about me. I'm not the preppy teen that everyone seems to love. I really don't know who I am exactly. Which makes me depressed a lot. How do I go about "finding myself"? I've never understood that, I'm not lost why do I have to find myself. All of this might sound stupid to everyone else but it means something to me. That should matter. Every other time I figured out everything by myself with no help. This is so different and at times I'm scared of myself. I wanted to cut today I don't want those cuts to heal. I don't want them to heal and leave me here all alone. Thats what kept me from doing it again b/c I had those cuts there to remind me of feeling calm. But now I can't consentrate on one thing without thinking about my depression or feeling scared about getting help. Like I've always said I'd rather cut than be a problem for everyone. I don't want to cost extra money if it doesn't really help me. What if they do want to send me away? I've watched all those dumb movies and I don't think I'm crazy. I'm just having problems with people at school and adjusting to my weirdness and sexuality and trying to be excepted for who I am. And also trying to figure out who I am. I've always pretended to be something else and now I don't know who I am. What music do I really really like? I don't know. Linkin Park, Metacilla, AC/DC, Nirvana(of course), Blink-182, Velvet Revolver, The Rasmus, Rolling Stones, Avril, etc. Marilyn Manson and Murderdolls have very good songs and Marilyn Manson (or Brain Waren) is a very intelligent man and I respect him as one. Incubus put a lot of deep thought into their songs and I love them too.

Besides music who am I in my poetry. There are a lot of poems I wrote b/c of someone who made me feel a certain way others are just inspiried by movies and songs. Sometimes even things I imagine myself. Same way with those few drawings I've produced. My grave picture came from a lot of different thoughts about old movies. The bleeding eye is some what about how I feel sometimes when I'm cutting. It hurts so much but you have to get over it or change the way you see things (hint get a glass eye or ignore the chips of glass in it). Life is either good or bad and you can make your's either one. Sometimes its harder to improve it but there's always a way if you try hard enough. My other one of a stitched up woman's body is the two years I struggled with obsessing about my weight and not eatting. I guess the same way with my pictures I could explain my poems. Some I read now and I just cry b/c I can't believe I ever felt that way. I am getting better but I have to push myself and try harder to help myself. i can't awake old problems to make these now worse. I'm not doing that sob story oh my father is an asshole and my grandpa died when I was young so now I have to smoke cigarettes, act like a bad ass, pretend I don't give a shit, and cut myself b/c I can't face my problems like a big girl. I'm fucking 17 years old I'm not four. I shouldn't have problems. And my problems aren't even a big fucking deal. People are having money problems and other people are dying what makes me think that all this means anything. I think I should just get over it. blah. Sometimes I make myself feel like shit. Maybe I'm making myself depressed. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself but hell no one else will tell me these things. Everyone else has felt sorry for me well I'm getting tired of that. I'm glad daddy took the cds although I do want my linkin park cd back but hell it made me cry I needed that. I wasn't mad just realized a lot from that. Why do I just sit and listen to the same cd and something same song over and over. I was driving myself crazy. I want someone to get mad at me and tell me they're getting tired of all this bullshit. Maybe if I know someone other than me is getting tired of it maybe my brain will quit this shit. grrr.... I'm fighting with myself here and getting no where.

I still don't know who I really am. Stupid shit. Is the rest of my life going to consist of list and "keeping myself busy" and getting a lot of rest on a lot of meds. But if its my chance to stay sane I'm taking front row seats. Smoking my cigarettes help a lot. This radio music helps some. Give me some lithium and call it a day, please. Reading the book I got helped a little. I still need more understanding of everything and how psychiatrist handle cutters and depressed teens. I want someone to understand this and I need answers although I don't know the questions. I'm confused about the whole thing. I understand why I just don't know how to help myself get through this. No one understands that I solve my problems on my own and I don't ask for help this is frustrating for me. I admitted to myself I needed more help. I can't stand it but I do need help. I've tried for so long to quit cutting but I keep going back to it some how.This bothers me the most about this whole thing with me cutting. The cutting doesn't bother me its just not being able to find anything else to do to get the same feeling and that I can't help myself with this. I have my shit togeher and maybe the psychiatrist will just think I don't need any help but I really do. I still have those thoughts of cutting but I don't cut anymore. Its beginning to be easier but that only means I have to try harder not to cut. I'm proud that I'm thinking about it and not doing it but I don't want to think about it anymore b/c it makes everything harder for me. Sometimes I think I'm making myself feel this way although I do have a lot of locked up feelings.--

61 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Help me I fell and now I'm up walking again.
Feeling: tired

I'm better today than I've been being. I just not myself lately. Nothing much to worry about. I am kinda happy with myself. I mean HELLO atleast I'm really trying this time to quit. blah I feel like shit. My head hurts ouch! Maybe I can get over all of this. B/c I really hate being sad or depressed sometimes for no reason. I remember coming home lying around and just crying. I cried until I couldn't breathe. Now when I get mad or bugged I cry. Instead of cutting I'm crying a lot. But its good. I don't cry all the time. And I did want to cut one day even fixed something to cut with but I couldn't do it. After this deep cut I'm really scared. I don't like the blood. I thought I'd like to bleed a lot but it just felt like if I didn't stop the blood flowing out I might have died. Although I'm dramitic and would have lived through it but still I was scared. Its almost good that I'm not wanting to cut but I still need help with my depression. Some days I'm fine just sitting around but other days I have to keep busy. And other times I feel like I'm going no where really fast. Talking helps me. I haven't really needed to talk b/c I haven't went any where besides today I went to Amanda's watched Stephen King's Sometimes they come back. I had fun and it was good to be away from the house. I think I'll tell her mom said no for me to come over there tomorrow although I want to but I'd rather do something else. I don't want to get into a habit every day. I know I need more things to keep me busy and I'm not ready to talk about my cut to her. It makes me sad just to look at it. I don't want to talk about it with more people than the ones who already know. HELP ME NOW THAT I CAN HELP MYSELF!!!--

49 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
These thoughts that hurt me til my death
Listening to: Nirvana- Your know you're right
Feeling: morose

I cut myself last night. It was so deep. I need it more and more. I feel ashamed. Daddy took my cds away and now I only have to radio. It sucks but I'll survive. My parents are getting me someone professional to talk to. I know I need help. I want help so bad.

(Call me today Brittney we'll plan to do something if your parents don't mind. I need to visit someone, go swimming in my pool, or do anything b/c I've need to spend time with someone.)

Down to one,

Just to it,

So clear,

As to what I want,

Need,

Open me up and find out,

Unjumble my thoughts,

Make me understand,

For everyday I'm lost,

Its still wide open,

Let me see inside of you,

Maybe it different than mine,

Painic shock and I freak out,

Can I end now with last words,

Help me God for I have sinned.

Another poem:

Hide it all away,

Let nothing stand by itself,

I can't cut now,

Too much intervense,

I can't seem to be everything you want,

I'm not perfect,

So don't treat me like you think I should be,

Let nothing bother you,

Be here always,

I need you too much for you to walk away,

Please just be here make me stop,

I don't need this cutting,

Although I'm so bored with the same cuts,

I crave new ones,

The blood that makes the cut sting,

Feeling of impowerment,

Deep thought gone forever,

Just boredom with strong words,

Creativity gone forever,

Burning soul with no pain at all,

No understanding,

So much judgement,

Anger and black holes we can all hide in,

I'm crazy lets call it a day,

Sociaity at its best,

Glamorous 90lb models,

For everyone to look at and judge,

God diets everyone needs,

Take it away and use it for an agruement,

Government rotting our minds,

Taking our money to shit on,

Live today like you don't give a damn,

B/c I surely don't,

Too much to worry about already,

I need so excuses or anything to justify your actions,

Never say woulda shoulda coulda,

You'll die before you live,

An apple a day gives you worms,

Support systems and numbers to call,

Only when I feel helpless,

Well duck tape the damn phone to my ear already,

Oh yeah don't ever say god damn,

B/c god damnit I'll be god damned to hell,

Yea I'm just so scared,

Stupid scare tactics,

B/c everyone is stupid anyway,

Damn stupid fuckers,

I think I might call this a GOD DAMN DAY!

Wrote last night after I cut:

I guess I just broke and got tired of not doing it. I missed it and couldn't fight off the erge. I'm kinda depressed now and I need to talk to a friend not my parents. I don't want them to be disappointed in me. And I can't explain it well enough to even talk about it. I just hate myself now or just what I've became. I think I was just made at myself for some reason. I just don't know why. Smoking a cigarette feels so good now. I feel sick and psycho. This one will definally leave a scar. I have to be honest about it. Ok maybe someday. I'm so worried that I might die. I'm shaking.....

I called Olivia she said I need to tell my parents what happened. It might be the worse cut I've ever had. I don't understand why sometimes. I just can't explain it. I gave the razor blade to daddy I'm getting fucking tired of looking at it. Why am I so stupid? How can I be so damn stupid. Just to think I could quit with that damn thing in my room.

58 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Self assured wanting to be ok
Listening to: Pink: Save my life
Feeling: organized

I have to quit I know that but I need to cut so bad. The only thing that keeps me busy is typing or playing computer games. That's so lame. I wrote a letter to my asshole father in Ohio. I got all of my feelings out. I've been taking anti-depression pills and they seem to work. (I want pizza) I seem to be calmer and I can stay on task. My attention span was very short before. When I was younger they thought I needed anti hyper meds b/c I couldn't keep my mind on one thing maybe it was depression. I can finally think clearly for more than 2 seconds. I sat and wrote a whole page and a half and didn't stop to play a computer game or get something to drink (like tea or soda). I'm proud that I might be getting better. I need to tackle every little problem one at a time. I can do it. I know I can. I haven't promised anyone but myself. You need to promise yourself you'll try to quit. Try to help yourself in any way you can then if you can't ask for it.--

53 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
poem
Feeling: subdued

Running away,

Stepping on knives,

Picking up all the pieces,

Enough to think about cuts,

That blood staining the air,

Everyone breaths,

Taking the pain from me to them,

Only dream this could be,

Not sitting here telling,

Hiding away like I always have,

Black nails turning red with blood,

Dripping down and I can't stop it,

Moving my hands around in the blood,

Falling around me as I cry,

I think I need help,

I think I'm stupid;

With all these cuts and blood.

68 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I cut all this skin away leaving nothing
Feeling: breathless

I stare at my cuts like I usually did. It always makes me feel so stupid. I seem to be going no where really fast. I have nothing else. I feel like giving up is the best thing I can do. I just wonder if I can still be myself and not cut anymore. Nothing seems to be easy. There was a time I had all the answers and now I don't. I just don't understand why I cut myself. I know the reason I do it but why that. Why can't I find something else to do when I can't talk about my problems? It feels so good to cut my skin when I hold in my pain and anger. If I didn't hold it in I wouldn't be cutting myself for a release. Well least I can talk about it now. Maybe some day I can really quit for good. I want to stop cutting right now. I don't want to wait til I'm better and can talk about my problems. I've cried this sad tune too many times now. I'm getting sick and damn tired of it.--

87 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Dreams of realizing I'm still alive.
Feeling: mixed

I'm trying my best to remember the depressing time I had. But now even listening to Marylin Manson makes me happy. I'm mostly always happy about something. I've been hanging out with one of my friends Amanda. I've going to her house for the past 3 days and I'm going today also. Its fun. Although I'm scared of jumping off the diving board but I did it anyway. I have to face all of my fears. The ones that are looking me right in my face I don't even realize it. The fear that maybe no one cares and I might even care now. I care about the dumbest things. I had a dream of my exg/f's cousin Jessica from Hamlet. I made out with her at a party and I dreamed we made out at school. It was nice but it confused the hell out of me. Usually my dreams mean everything and that one meant nothing. I don't know.--

104 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I, still sick will never be forgotten
Feeling: hated

It happened last Thursday and the world fell apart and I cried out. My cuts didn't make the sky bleed. It was just another day for most but for me it unlocked things that I thought were gone forever. I sit her now still trying to understand, still trying to grasp why I started this again. I've broke so many promises and I still don't care. I'm being everything you hate and hating every moment of it. Remind me of what I felt and remind me of why I felt it. I need to understand this shit.--

63 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Those things that you hate
Feeling: morose

A new found freedom that no one will ever know again. The freedom is like the ones before. The same feeling of control and not anything seeming to matter. The whole world was quite for me and I loathed in its remorse. I sat there just waiting for it to rain knowing that world feels so sorry for me. Take your pity and you will never grow. Only those weak and powerless continue to cry. I can't shed anymore tears for what I do to myself. I can never gain control of myself like I thought I had. (sAINT by:mm) The song also gives me power. My break up song especially now when I have to break up with the world.

As soon as I get the courage the world I will loath..... And the world will rain tears for me.

57 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Can't I just be the one
Feeling: punk

I did stop cutting but can't I just do it one more time I promise I won't be able to die. I'm not ready for that yet. I just want to feel that pain once more b/c it freed my soul of those scars. I only can imagine the pain and I don't see it really happening. Why was it so easy to stop but so hard to keep stopping. If only I had something to cut myself with. Be my knife to pierce my heart with....--

54 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
-Sorry Ass me-
Feeling: bitchy

It sure is funny how people changed when they get turned down. I hate feeling this way with so much anger yet its so funny. Come on now its only humor. I'm not a fucking slut and I won't be your whore. Dream on.--

Yea. I'm Sorry. J.O.(zenmaster)

119 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Confused and Narcissistic
Feeling: ambivalent

No self respect or recognition for the rules. A little naricissitic and obsessed with feeling loved although I never was. I don't care for myself and never have. I only want someone to care for me. I've seemed to push everyone away that cares. And now I am the whore. In the imagination of his mind and of my body. Dreaming nothing was ever true and I was free to live without these feelings. And having to sacrifice my childhood or whats left of it to feel loved. The confussion of sex equals love. And those whom you have sex with love you. Those who love you have sex with you. I'm also against what everyone believes or sees to be real. I am trying to find my own way no matter what anyone says.

55 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
my boy toy and lust
Feeling: mad

May 12, 2004

7:56 pm

People try to figure you out. But when they can't; Is it ok for them to get mad and not talk to you anymore? By this are we actually telling them to give up? And by making it hard do we make it a game? Thinking and doing has always when two different things for me and now its one in the same.

I kissed this straight girl, Markie, but it wasn't like it was understood I could kiss her. She excepted it and walked off. I was there left with my stupidity and self assurence that maybe she would have kissed me back. But I'm no guy so I guess that ruins any chance of her kissing me.

I do have a secret boy toy, Ryan. Yes, I am bisexual I've just been lying to myself this whole time. I just can't get over the sadness in it all. Everyone knew and I was too stuck in what I should be then what I wanted to be. Jon may think I did that whole thing just so I wouldn't have to date him. At times I think I did but I also did before so it wasn't about him at all. It was my own self doubt and stupidity (again). Now since I've said I'm bisexual everything seems so clearer and I'm happier. I do love bisexual guys. Oh so hot. Shhh, everyone thinks I'm all weird but I'm not its what I like. I can't help what makes me happy. Even if me and Ryan (my boy toy) don't date I'll still love it b/c we love to flirt. He won't date anyone b/c he cheats and I do too so it doesn't matter. I didn't cheat on Samantha, Matt, or Jon (mainly b/c I didn't have time to). I cheated on Danielle twice. (haha) Don't worry she knows. Hopefully some day I'll settle down and be in a serious relationship but now I'm just dating around. I want to be free I'm getting tired of being held down by everyone. I so want to kiss my boy toy!!--

83 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
It speaks to me and I listen
Feeling: natural

The obsessions of my past. Biting me in the ass. Yea. I'm still lonely, I only have myself to think about and obsess over. I need someone to love. obsess over, and care for. But recently I've realized maybe thats not even possible for me. I'm doomed to spend forever alone. I haven't cried in a while maybe I just need someone to bring me tears. I've been thinking about my future and who I want in it. I would just love to play pretend like I always do. Can't I just go on pretending I'm so happy. I tried to pretend that Jeff doesn't hurt me by him not calling, that I really wish I didn't mess up everything in my life including all of my relationships, or that I'm not lonely and always hurting.--

64 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
When everything is not so every-thing
Feeling: sinister

Everything is so messed up. First of all, most of my friends are pregnant half of this doesn't even seem real. Me and Whitney are trying to get back together. I don't know my problem with her was that I couldn't be open about our relationship at school b/c she so scared that someone will tell her parents. I really hate that but I'm lonely and I need a girlfriend. It seems if you love someone nothing else should matter. Well you'd think it wouldn't. but obviously our parents hold more over us than we would like to admit. I'm trying not to get back into a relationship I can't handle but she does make me happy and I need that right now. I can't stand being alone. I walk around pretending to be happy while I'm really falling apart and wanting to run away. Its like this every day with everyone trying to control me and who I like. Looking at me with this stare that could kill while they look at guys the same way I look at gurls, lust-glare. Why is this a problem? For me, its holding my feelings back and I hate that. For others, just shows that they can't be very good parents since they're not open-minded. I'm not expecting everyone to come up to me and be my best friend but damn we're in high school not middle school and everyone should have some sense by now. Don't you think they could have matured enough. There needs to be a mature test. Stupid immature kids. I'm just living my life just like everyone else does so why don't I get the same respect they do? It seems I'm fighting a losing battle. Nothing seems to be going right for me. I hate when people try to get me to change like I really want to change them. I'm not in this world to see how many gay people I can create. I'm in this world to live just like every one else trys to do every damn day. But I just can't live b/c everyone has to try to control my life and my way of thinking. Seems like hell to me. Stupid scare tactic!!! Maybe people should their own lives so they won't have to nose into mine. It all seems so stupid on their part. First of all I don't scream to everyone that I'm a fucking lesbian, I do however tell people if they ask. I don't go around kissing every straight gurl I know trying to "turn" them. My dad keeps saying if I wouldn't have told everyone last year none of this would be a problem. But I know they would have found out and it doesn't hurt as much when they talk if I'm the one that told them. I try to sheild my heart from the pain but its not easy at all. It all seems by sheilding myself I'm getting hurt worse. I try not to care and to hold in the pain but I can't do that anymore. Its getting old and I'm getting sick and tired of this. Trying to not even get to close to my straight friend figuring someone might think something, trying not to say "hey babe" or "I love you" to my bestest friend in the world, and trying not to show that Whitney is well whatever she is. I want to do whatever the fuck I want to without anyone telling me to "be straight" or "not to hug them or even get close to them b/c someone might think something". Sometimes I get tired of living. This shit is all bullshit. Give it up!!!--

108 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Waiting for you to let me go..
Listening to: Nothing but the voices in my head
Feeling: twitterpated

Holding me so tight,

Let me go and let me breath,

I can only dream of this hold,

I even feel your arms on me,

So alone I lay,

Here where no one can hear,

Far away from anything alive,

B/c I am only dead,

Everything so dark;

And I'm always alone.

That feeling I have still stays. Never leaving like I wish it would. The feeling after someone touches you that seems to drift in the air around you which you can still feel long after they've walked away. The voice that lingers close to your ears. Dreaming it all away. But it will never leave and the flash backs make it all so worse. I'll stray away from you...--

52 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Dreams; so broken
Feeling: insatiable

Yea. I almost cried today. Thinking about everything I put everyone through. I guess I should just wait til winter and if it snows I'll be so happy. And I can just sit here and hope everyone passes me by with no word and no glare. I can just leave this place and never return. What if all of this is just nothing? Like I don't exist and nothing is real. I felt better until he broke everything I had. I will always be lonely and nothing.--

44 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Cocaine and Dealing
Feeling: dark

May 2 2004

8:54 pm

I told Jon I didn't like him taking cocaine but I also told him that I didn't care if he did it I just didn't want to hear about it. I did want to date him but then when he told me that I lost all care for him. All trust and everything I liked about him. I can't date or even go out with someone like that. I hate drugs, yea I've popped pills and I did smoke weed and drink. I can't do those things anymore b/c I choose not to. I've quit but I wasn't doing cocaine. I just imagine Jeff saying the same thing to my mom "I've quit, I'll quit everything completely". I'm sorry I just don't trust that at all. I want to so bad but I can't. And I can't take him back just b/c he thinks if he quits I'll just run back to him. All trust was broken before I knew anything about the cocaine. But now things are different. The fact that he doesn't respect my wishes of me being a lesbian. I don't care if he finds it his fought and wants to make it right. Its not his fought just something that will make me happy now. He did make me happy at one time. I stopped cutting not b/c of him but he helped me. He helped me see that I didn't need to do it. Then when he broke up with me I did it once more. No one notices and I didn't tell anyone. The first time anyone made me feel like that. Like I was nothing and just a joke. I don't want to be hurt again and I don't want to be with a guy. I think right now what I need Jon could never give me. I want happiness and yea there was a time Jon made me happy but now he doesn't. Talking with him as friends, yea I'm happy about that but in a relationship I don't think I could be happy with him. He pretends that since he quit everything is ok and its not. I'm not trusting him and its not just b/c its him I wouldn't trust anyone. I hate cocaine just like I hate fighters. I hate anger. I hate everything he says he was. He isn't going to change my mind. He can just beg and plead. I can't deal with it.--

75 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Grounded
Feeling: mean

I'm fucking grounded. I don't know when I'll get to get back online. But I'll try to get on in here(1st block).--

71 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Yesterday Night
Feeling: cocky

April 22, 2004

10:36 pm

Everyone has told me to smile. Ignore the fact that I'm depressed; just smile. What is smiling and pretending I'm ok going to prove. That were back to being young children and I can still pretend like I used to. I had to pretend I was the only child. There was nothing else to do. I'd pretend I had friends until I was in 5th grade. I pretended to be ok when I was falling apart the time I lost my childhood. I've pretended all of my life why would it be so hard to pretend I'm happy. I don't know. I never wanted to pretend so badly as I do now. I just want to pretend everything is ok and that I'll be just fine. Everyone else seems to also so why don't I? Pretending was never this hard. I remember a time where all I did was pretend. I pretended once last year I was fine when I was drinking all of the time and snorting pills. It hasn't been long since I stopped the pills but its been a year for the drinking like I did before. I drank every damn day. I don't want to go back to that ever. Can't I just pretend to be happy like everything is ok?--

114 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
-Forget me for I am nothing-
Feeling: unsure

What if I'm only forgotten? Only to myself. I wish everyone else could forget me. Forget I hurt them, forget I've caused the moon to crack, forget I've ran over them, forget I ever cut myself, forget I'm gay, forget all of my choices, and just forget I'm even alive. I don't want to die I just don't want anyone to know me. I want to be nothing. Where no one knows me and no one dares to ask. Where I am nothing as I feel. I feel I'm nothing. The only thing that was real was that pain and the sound of my skin tearing open. I want to go back to the wat things were. I look around and everything is fake. Even my hair color is fake. All of those little pictures every where. Nothings real. The only thing that is real are these tears. I don't know why I;m crying. I ruin everything. I can ruin everything with a cut, a drink, snorting pills, everything I quit I could just ruin. I ruin everything anyway. So what makes this any different? I don't even know I feel like this. I understand nothing anymore.

46 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Books and Sadness
Listening to: Radio (?)
Feeling: claustrophobic

April 19, 2004

7:39 pm

Well I'm getting tired of every time someone is suppose to come get me or come over they just don't. Every time it happens it makes me feel like I'm nothing and no one should ever want to hang out with me or even talk to me. I used to love being hated and now I hate it as much as those used to hate me. I always think that maybe something came up and then I just want to cry b/c what if nothing came up and they just lied to me and don't really want to hang out with me. I just want to disappear sometimes. Or became invisible. That sounds better.I know I'll never be like everyone else and at times I only wish everyone would want to be like me. If only people could trade places with me so they'll see for once that I am depressed and life sucks. I know its lame to go around acting like that talking about "oh my god my life sucks." But its true for some. Marilyn Manson is the only way I can be myself his songs impower me. I can't explain it but I know it to be true. I'm reading the book Sweet Blood from the same author that wrote Blood and Chocolate. I love her books! I seem to get into her books like she writes them about me. In this book, Sweet Blood, that I'm reading her parents look at the vampire sites she has been on and then takes her computer away and wants her to see a strink. So typical. I really loved the other one by her Blood and Chocolate. I'm just going to put on something big and oversized and watch t.v. with mom. I hate when I feel this depressed. Everything seems to go wrong when I feel like this. I'm just going to watch t.v. and smoke those cigarettes to blacken my lungs maybe they'll just disappear. Or maybe not.--

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Masterbating...
Listening to: Nirvana

ummmm.....yummy...... Twice. The first time. In a long while. But I was watching the lesbians on MAx after hours. On max demand. Well anyway before I get all hot again.

I'm going to go talk to Jon. We're still friends ya know!!!!

151 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
-Drink me up-
Listening to: Nirvana (the black cover album)
Feeling: conflicted

I don't know whats wrong with me. Why would I let anyone this close so they can make me feel this bad? Yea I still talk to him but do I really have to. I do like being friends with him. I think thats all I want right now. He said he loves me. Yea I love him too but I don't think he needs to be this serious. I'm not the one that deserves this love. I feel it in the pit of my stomach and I don't know how anyone could love me this much. Did I really deserve this? What have done that is so bad? I don't understand all of this.

Forgive me for I have sinned....--

94 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
....The night he broke my heart...
Listening to: Nirvana

April 14 2004

7:39 pm

I'm in shock I thought it was only a joke. Smoking now only to make my lung disappear. My heart will grow cold and I just might die. Can't I just sit here and suffer all the pain. Can't I just sit here....

Hiding from the world,

Morbid and so broke,

Cover my mouth;

Scream at me,

B/c I can't hear.

Nothing you've said;

Actually appealed to me,

It did until you said;

Good bye,

Cuts bleed your name,

Flowing out of me;

Our possiblities of love,

You pissed on my entire creation,

Loving me wasn't enough;

For you.

A break up poem and the break up song. (Marilyn Manson (s)AINT)I no longer want to listen to your words that made me melt before. The words that were whispers scream at me telling me everything is ok. Now that wall is only covered with the blood of me. I'll never let anyone in b/c I only hurt. You took with my heart, my freedom. You stripped me naked of my skin and only laughed. My entire existents shatteres me now. I will never love again. Snorting these pills and smoking these cigarettes keep me alive as you did once.--

82 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
--Broken heart b/c I'm really gay--
Listening to: any sad song I might find
Feeling: sick

He broke up with me. I don't rally understand why. He said he didn't think that me going for a gurl while with him wasn't cheating. I want to try it again with Danielle. He's said it I have a friend. And I was so stupid once more. Once more. And then I was nothing. Nothing more than anything. I tired to be with someone that I actually seen myself having sex with and thats all over. Cut my heart out once more just tear it away I wasn't using it.--

70 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Cali and Ex-g/f

Cali trip that I didn't go on. I'm so jealous b/c Ryan a friend of mine went and had the best time with my ex-g/f. Yea. I'm jealous mainly b/c he had a three-some too. But not with her. Just two gurls that were hot!! grrrr....--

64 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
These random thoughts of mine
Listening to: The typing and the voices
Feeling: natural

The world is filled with unspoken or unfinished thoughts. Some feel like they could stop the strongest wind others feel like that wind as you're waiting to be tore down from it. Expressing thoughts is as dangerous as not expressing them. I've been raised where I speak what I think but I learned myself to keep my feelings sacred. As if the world felt my pain it might just end. I don't want others to feel pain as I have. Through poetry and art I've learned to express them without speaking. I am just a silent artist. And my heart, only my canvas. My mind, only shaping clay. My words, cut like my skin once was. All these random thoughts of nothing. No end as there is no beginning. Inspiration in guilt. Life time of thinking there was too much pain and now not enough. The blood one craves to drink is what I crave to drip from my cuts. The scars disappearing want to be remade as more. Deeper and wider than ever imagined. Only nothing be me will hold me back. My yesterday will no longer scream my name. The moon will never crack and the sea is no more red than my sheets. Stained with my essences. My shadow is weeping. For it only knows the truth of me. What is inside myself. So close to my heart and never my mind for my mind holds too many truths. Heart bleed only black. Dying out and no more suffering. Suffer as you die away from me. No blood I can touch needing just to feel the new cut which aren't there. I will never plainly say it and mainly I don't care. Say never that I cut. Cut I never say. Never say I cut. Thats an idea. But what will my one say. That I could do better, that one could if one wanted, I need to just quit as I started again, or just keep it up. Losing this would be everything lost. Nothing gained. Thoughts running through my head I dare not think like this. Am I normal? Do I want to be? I need to express every little slice of my pain. Out for no one in the world to see. No one looks and I only touch myself. Nothing real touching me. Nothing I can recognize. Nothing vaild. Nothing alive inside. Nothing that seems.....real. Emotional scars lasting my whole life. One thought over and over. Why do I crave all of this? The cutting, emotional scarring, food problems, scarred heart and twisted soul. Twisted souls like clouds with so much pain.

67 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Stop me now for I am dangerous
Listening to: --Marilyn Manson--
Feeling: alluring

I gave all of the sharp things I used to cut to daddy and he did something with them. I don't even want to know what so I won't be tempted to go and get them again. It feels safer in her now. I even feel better and I feel alive now. I am trying my best to quit. It seems like I wanted to have a problem even if it turned out to be this serious. Well I'm stopping so it is no more. Jon will be so proud I can't wait til I talk to him. I've always needed someone in my life like him to listen and to care and now I have that in Jon. And I love it. I've always been nervous about going out with a guy just b/c I don't want to have sex but Jon is different I trust him. I've never trusted anyone before. Not even myself.

I've realized a lot today. That I don't have to cut and I can still love. Before I didn't think I was able. But now I know different. I feel so much better about myself. And I just want my scars to heal. I want my body back to normal. I just hope that I don't find another dangerous release. Many ex-cutters turn to other things when they quit. Thats what makes it so hard for young girls to quit and be healthy and safe. I've been through the drinking, snorting pills, losing weight, over exiercising, etc. and I don't want to go back to doing that. It was a long time ago for me and now it even feels like another life time. I'm glad its all different now.--

73 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
One day behind

April 10, 2004

12:32 am

I've been thinking today about what it is I want to do with my life and who I want to be seen as. I've came to no conclusions. I just know that I like Jon a lot. I don't know what it is about him that appeals to me but its true I do like him. There are a lot of things in this world we don't understand or don't have no idea about. But I do know I met him for a reason. Maybe for guidence or maybe to help me grow into my pattern of life. Whatever it is doesn't matter b/c he's here and I've found him. He's one guy I can't keep out of my head. Not for the reasons that have arose in the past he is different than any other guy I've ever spoke to. Mainly b/c I don't look at him as being the best looking but there are things that he has made me realize about myself and my surroundings that I would have never learned on my own. Like now I actually want to quit cutting. Any other time cutting has appealed to me and he has made me realize that its a danger to myself and others. And he made me realize that there's more to life than just being depressed and dying. Until now I've felt dead to the world and just dead. Like I've never been anything or even wanted to be anything until now. I've grown so much since I've met Jon. He is everything I've wanted a guy to be. I might actually be able to love and be loved. B/c of Jeff I've felt unworthy and unlovable. Me and Jon can talk about nothing for hours. I think we have talked about everything. He knows a lot that I want to learn. And I think I know things that he might want to learn. Me and Jon have been through some of the same things. But all of it is in the past for both of us. I'm not holding anything against him or from him. I'm going in this with honesty and truth. We have a lot in common. Thats always good. I think I could put everything behind me and be his. Although not many things are going to change for him since he likes me the way that I am now. He makes me feel so good about myself and that makes me like him more.

Now I just wish that I could date. Or at least he could come over here and spend time with me. I want my parents to meet him and daddy won't even agree to it. I haven't got up enough nerve to talk to him about it. B/c before he plainly told me no. So I should just give up? I don't think so. I'm not giving up on the one person who is keeping me alive right now.--

69 hit(s) (29 comments) | Say.  
Bleeding and Loving Heart
Listening to: Papa Roach: Last Resort

And I've found my soulmate. We're meant to be. And he's a guy. But the best guy ever. He's everything I need and want. And I couldn't be happier. I've been experimenting with a lot of new things. I have to say it makes me feel different. And I can't wait til Jon is with me.

There's a reason for everything.--

98 hit(s) (10 comments) | Say.  
If I go too fast turn me off.
Feeling: angsty

Cutting, Abuse, Tears, Sex, Gurls, Alone, Dreaming, Hiding, Wanting to die, Babies I'll never have, Always losing, and This is my life.

Self-Mutilation Syndrome (SMS):

A psychological condition which has apparently begun to grow among American youth. Sufferers of SMS, also known as cutters, feel the need to cut into their flesh and watch themselves bleed. Some sufferers of SMS also drink the blood drawn out this way, although this is not standard for the disorder. Most sufferers of SMS are redirecting feelings of anger, frustration, inadequacy, or emotional pain onto their bodies. Some eventually get involved in body art and blood fetishism.

75 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
The dried blood haunts me
Listening to: Blink 182: I miss you
Feeling: popular

...Why am I here again in my life? Who am I? What do I want? What The Fuck.... I think everything happens for a reason. And one big thing in my life is Am I wanting to debate my sexuality b/c my first love was named jon and this guy jon (nothing like my ex) is right here in front of me. And all I want him for is to talk to. To lie to me telling me everything is ok. But maybe he is the one and I would have let him pass by if he didn't notice my tattoo. He was brave enough to talk to me and I'm not even brave enough to talk to myself. I need protection. But that is what my tattoo represents. Proetection between me and my mom. She has the same one. I need someone. thats it!--

143 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
So bright yet so dim
Listening to: Radio
Feeling: gothic

I've been thinking about my cuts and my sexuality. I don't know what is happening to me. What do I want out of life and What am I doing to myself? I'm not perfect. I know that. I feel bruised and battered. Who am I? I don't know anymore. Help me. Nothing is clear anymore. I'm no longer going to label myself. I am me. Nothing more. What you see is what you get obviously.

The Real World. Frankie cuts. She's a cutter like me and now I feel so broken yet no longer alone. Thats good right? I think I need to find some other way of cutting. If I can. I've been doing journal entrys on my computer(wordpad) while this computer was down. Now since the internet is fixed I'm here. I just need someone to talk to.--

72 hit(s) (9 comments) | Say.  
-changes-
Listening to: nirvana
Feeling: knackered

Well today was great. I got my hair cut yesterday. EvErYoNe who noticed it liked it. And I got some safety pins and rubber bands. To make bracklets out of. I need something to do. I want to be different!--

264 hit(s) (8 comments) | Say.  
Pain and Cuts
Listening to: Nirvana
Feeling: manic

Everytime I'm yelled at I cut. I like seeing my own blood. I love feeling the cuts burn.i like writing poems about my cutting and my cuts. I even enjoy cleaning my wounds. It kinda makes me feel responsible. Like I mean something. Although no one seems to care what I do anymore. So it doesn't matter anymore. I can quit or keep on doing it, either way it wouldn't matter.--

128 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Broken and Lost
Listening to: System of a down
Feeling: insatiable

..Although I have a party tonight. A chance to get out of the house and I don't want to go. Maybe I'd feel better if I went and worked out then took a shower. Or maybe I'll drink a little. I dunno. I just feel crapy. I've been a yesterday without cutting and I'm dying here. It horrible. Help!--

74 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I need cuts
Feeling: pained

I want to bleed out all the pain. And see the cuts every where. I'm craving it all. I just can't stand it anymore. I need it and I want it so I'll get it.--

109 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Stupid School
Feeling: innocent

This school is so stupid. You can't change the desktop background or screen savers or you'll get ISS. Thats so fucking stupid. Its like its my fault b/c I'm going to infect everyone b/c I'm a lesbian and I cut myself. They shouldn't care what I do I didn't tell them they asked me. I was honest thats all.--

93 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Cuts that don't bleed
Listening to: 7 Nation Army by The White Strips
Feeling: amused

I want to cut my skin apart...Bleeding out the tears I can't cry and the pain I can't feel. Emotions I can't show....And no one understands. I have safety pins on my shoe strings on my boots and when I want to cut I just push it on my wrist and pull it down my arm. Its not cutting just making me feel like it is b/c it burns a lot more than a actual cut that bleeds.

I was looking at this journal in class and this stupid bitch was trying to get me put in ISS for this. First of all what I do is my business. I told everyone I'm taking this pic in my background and putting it all over my notebooks. HAHA bitch!!!

Anyway, I'm proud of my sexuality and I do cut so what the fuck is their problem? That gurl doesn't do it.--

121 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Life and cutting
Feeling: achy

I'M better today. Me and my mom and my aunt talked about it yesterday. And she is reading my notebook journal. And some papers on cutting. So it might help her to understand my problem. I had to promise I wouldn't cut again. So I won't cut again.--

120 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Falling Apart

Too bad there's nothing sharp at school. I hate feeling this way. I don't have tears and I can't bleed. I'm just falling apart for no purpose.....--

85 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
[-I cut myself-]
Listening to: -stupid radio-
Feeling: addicted

Earlier... I felt like I had to. It made me calm down. Since I didn't want to tell my parents I was wanting to cut and thats why I've been moody, I just took it upon myself to go ahead and cut. It felt great. My skin ripped apart and blood dripped out like nothing else mattered. Now the new wounds feel so great. 7 cuts there on my thigh... They make me feel at ease. I control everything now.--

140 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
W.E. / Gays
Listening to: radio
Feeling: scattered

Well this w/e I thought a lot. We have a research paper and I'm doing it on gay marriages. B/c why should people tell us not to love and not to show it? I don't think anyone can tell me who to love. I seen the movie "The Truth about Jane". It made such a big point that everyone needs to realize. Gay people can't just wake up and be something else. Like you can't wake up and be purple. Its not a choice you're born that way. And I seen "Naked Truth 3" on BET. I really enjoyed watching that too. I hope a lot of the people from my school watched it too. B/c they hate me. I'm getting tired of every day hearing "OMG she's a lesbian", "She just a lesbian ignore her", and "Get out of my way lesbo". I know I told everyone last yr b/c I was always drunk but now I'm not as open. I mean if someone ask me I tell them. I just want people to be open-minded. But I know that will never happen!!--

105 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Stupid Feelings
Listening to: The voices in my head
Feeling: cursed

I've always wished I was straight b/c I feel like I have something wrong with me. I'm not like all the other gurls who love the boys. I feel like a plaque. Its like why do I have to ask, Whats wrong with me? So much is wrong with me. There can't be a god. God has left me so alone. He did me wrong. I'm a messed up!--

77 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
My w.e plans fell

I had plans but they went poof! Yep just like that all poofy!!! Too damn bad!--

74 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
No love
Listening to: Radio-106.5
Feeling: caffeinated

Love can be everything and nothing at all. What do I really want? I don't even know that myself. The gurl hasn't called. Oh well. I just have to forget about it! But other than no love I'm still happy.--

76 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
I cut. And I can talk about it.
Feeling: gloomy

Its my journal. And I realize I could make the whole damn thing private but I choose to keep it public to get opinions on my entrys. Don't try to judge me or think you know me by reading this journal. B/c no one can really say they know me. No one really does.

I know its not attractive [the scars] but they are mine and its my body. I do like my scars. They're mine!!--

111 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Hooked up
Feeling: affectionate

One of my friends beth is getting me hooked up with a gurl named Anne. I think thats her name. She's like 27 I think. WOW. Thats just like the coolest. I want a relationship and someone to fuck.--

136 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Tears and Money
Listening to: Saliva: Bother
Feeling: invisible

My s-dad just got his check from his mom dying and it seems so real now. I just want it not to be. And so does he. I've never seen him cry before. So I cried with him. It took a lot for him to do that. I just hugged him. I held on like I didn't want him to slip away. I'm just so glad he cried. It was good.--

73 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
A Tattoo and Scars
Listening to: Numb by Linkin Park
Feeling: addicted

I got a tattoo of the charmed book of shadows symbol. I have the scars from me cutting on my leg and I want a tattoo there to cover it up and make me forget what I've done. I'll just wait til I'm 18 and if its still there I'll cover it up. My tattoo is in black and they say that hurts the most but it didn't really hurt. It took an hour and a half. Not that bad.--

146 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Betrayal
Feeling: awful

Well I just have to say, "I hate rumors". There was a rumor and two of my friends knew I started. But why haven't I heard it? um.. And I know who it was that told Ashley. If they start any shit about me I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Yea. I'm just soo scared. HAHAHA. Thats bullshit.--

98 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Problems
Feeling: abused

My s-dad is being a asshole. I don't want to talk much about it. I want to leave home so bad. I might just leave one day. I don't care if he doesn't let me back home. I'm just getting tired of it. I've tired my best to be nothing but a great daughter to him and I get nothing in return. I want to go out and live my damn life. I have one more yr in that damn house. The only damn reason I haven't left yet is b/c of my mom. I love her and if she wants to stay I will until I'm 18.--

79 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Feeling Dizzy

I just feel like I might pass out. But I doubt I'm that lucky. I just need some sugar. I'd rather have peanutbutter. I hate feeling this way. Mrs.Ransom said that she will see me today. I want to go so bad. I need to talk to her. A lot has went on in the last month. So I'll talk to her about it.--

91 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Lets go out sometime....
Listening to: 106.5-Rock
Feeling: flirty

Yeah me with myself. I'm so lonely. :(

Its like all the guys that like me want to fuck and I don't want to fuck them. And no gurls like me unless they already have someone. No one cares enough to break up with someone for me. They all suck ass-cock! ASS-COCK suckers!!!!!!

Stupid bullshit. Everyone is like love yourself, "you can put that bullshit up your ass". I don't love myself. I have my reasons. You don't love everyone, do you? I might be bitchy or whatever but I don't care. Its me, get used to it. Thats why I think no one really would like to date me b/c they couldn't handle all of my shit. I don't know what I want and when I get something that is "too good" I throw it away. Like I did with my b/f in 9th and a g/f of mine last yr. They were both the best person that was ever in my life and I broke up with them. Like the dumb-shit I am! I want someone to hurt me, so I'll have a reason to cry and be depressed. Complain, like I always do anyway. So whats really the point of dating anyone? I don't ever find the right person, so what am I doing?--

82 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Normal Dressing and Hot Gurls

Well instead of wearing uniforms we get to wear our clothes. I feel better in these. (lol) Gurls are hotter here. Maybe I'll get some numbers today. I talked to Matt today. I'm glad he's one of my friends although I did date him. For 2 months last semester. I need a gurlfriend.....blah--

144 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Life and Living
Feeling: fabulous

I've been thinking about my life. Why haven't I grown. I'm 17. I shouldn't have done a lot I'm not proud of. But I seem to get through it.

I don't even know who I am. And I know I just have to live my life to find out. The answers to my questions are almost impossible to get for anyone else. I can't even think.

Am I really crazy? It does seem that way at times. I want something different. I want more out of life.--

115 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Late nights make early mornings
Listening to: AC/DC (it does rock mox_can)

I love chatting on yahoo. It was so fucking funny. I'd cuss everyone out. And mox_can and this psycho_killa said that they were my lesbians. It was so funny (said it again). And there's even a song. haha.. Since I sound like a dying frog I'll just leave it to psycho_killa..lol--

90 hit(s) (7 comments) | Say.  
Info and News
Feeling: corny

Yahoo Messenger: psychomonkey_16

MSN:no

AIM:no

Webcam:yea

Mic:yea

My group was the best idea I had. I created it in June of 2003. And now I finally have 17 members.

My group is about me mainly. Just all the problems I've faced over the yrs. And I give advice on the ask monkey message board. I have a poll board, poetry board, rants and raves board, etc. And the pages are about depression, cutting, artwork, bands, ect. And you don't have to be depressed just care about people who are or want to know about it.--

89 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Morning with the dew...
Listening to: Radio
Feeling: awake

Its 5:15 a.m.

Yea I'm wide awake. Can't sleep now. Yep me being awake and bored.

I'm trying to improve my group. http://groups.msn.com/psychodyke

I added: (in message boards)

Polls (on chatting)

Rants and Raves (including what you think about the group)

I'm trying to improve it by making it more appealing to everyone. I just want a place on the net that everyone wants to hang out. Now its mainly about me. I have my poetry, pictures, message boards, and little pages with bunches of links to other places, etc. Please check it out.--

102 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Bitter Sweet
Listening to: AC/DC
Feeling: addicted

I miss going out a lot. I'm so bored its the w/e and I can't go anywhere. I think I'm going to find someone to go to the movies with or something. Or just go to Southern Pines just to look around. Go to bath and body works. I just want to get the hell out of Rockingham.

Well I do hope I get better. I want to just do something to make myself happy. Just anything. Any Ideas!?!--

99 hit(s) (11 comments) | Say.  
Tasting the love.
Listening to: --Radio--
Feeling: romantic

Or trying to get the love to taste. Just one little crumb....I had fun today besides hearing about a fight between my bestest friend's b/f and some guy. But of course it was 4 of her b/f's friends and 10 of the guy's friends. Fair huh? No I'm pissed off about it. But my aunt is in town so I'm fine. I love her soooo much.

Anyway. I Want Love.

Love I want to taste you just to see if you're sweet enough.

I feel like:

My heart scars my soul, so just cut it away.

I'm tired.--

125 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
Pepsi and Chocolate.
Feeling: fidgety

This is a good morning. So far b/c I came straight to 1st block. And didn't have to argue with anyone. But anyway I didn't see Joseph yesterday so he'll ask me where I was, I went home. I didn't feel so good. Me and him talk everyday but I can't wait forever. Not for him to make a decision. That would put my life on hold and I have to live. I want to be happy. I have to work on that. Before I even think of dating...---

87 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I feel......
Feeling: crappy

Blah.. I have a lot going on and I can't think. I'm a little hot. I mean like heat hot.

I seen Matt this morning. I always hug him. Joseph kinda got jealous yesterday. Or it just seemed that way. I don't understand that b/c everytime I've told him I really like him he just says I'm his friend. He talks to me on the phone a lot but thats it.

I just don't know what to do. I have a few chances with guys but I just don't know if I'm ready, I don't even love myself. How could I love anyone else?

I have to rewrite my essay for english I went to bed @ 6 yesterday and slept til 7:15 this morning. I got caught up on a lot of missed sleep. So I have to rewrite it in some class. I'm so bored now. I don't like stupid people here at school everyone has to get into my business.--

82 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Plans!?!
Feeling: abused

Well everything is going great. I'm going to go to the beach. Well planning to. I don't know what we're doing up there I don't even know if should go. I'd rather go with someone else.B/c I don't know what we are going to do. I don't want to go there and its a lot of people I feel uncomfortable with. And what will I tell my parents. That I'm going to th beach and I don't even know where the beach house is. OK. Not going!!!! I need a b/f!--

84 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
-New Month-
Listening to: AC/DC
Feeling: overwhelmed

Matt and Summer (broken up)

Andrew and Rocky (over)

Ashley and Resa (still together yay!!)

Me and myself (17 yrs.and going strong)lol

Yea. A little happier than usual. Yep. Me being all happy. Here being happy. YaY.

This guy Casey likes me. He's cool. We have a lot in common. Yep. He's shy. But it might work out. He thinks I'm hot. ummmm.... And now I might start believing I am.--

85 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Alone and With myself.
Feeling: abandoned

I abandoned myself. I need help and can truthfully ask for it. B/c I don't want it. It seems the scars will never disappear. I can't handle that.--

82 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Bad day Worse Night Before.
Feeling: abandoned

Nothing is going my way. I can't even love myself how can I expect anyone else to? I feel so stupid. Who am I? I don't even know myself how do I think I'd be able to love anyone I don't know, even if its me. I just want someone to love me b/c I'm so tried of trying to do it myself. I've already gave up!!--

102 hit(s) (8 comments) | Say.  
poem
Listening to: korn-falling away from me
Feeling: abandoned

My skin falls apart,

No one will see,

I can no longer,

The blood will stain the air,

Stars will hide in fear,

No love is possible,

My heart will just lay there,

When I'm so helpless.

108 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
The End
Feeling: thirsty

My life is slowly ending and I can't think. I can't even breath. Everything is coming to a end. I want to hide away. Just cut me out of this world and start me over.--

88 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
heart broken before mending

I will never love again....Andrew is such a asshole. He was my someone. I felt so good around him. He tells me tonight he only likes me as a friend. After he's hugged me and made a little pretend world for me to believe everything is great and I'm happy. But in reality I'm never happy.--

77 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
No cutting besides....
Feeling: shattered

...yesterday just to see if something was sharp. OK I know I shouldn't have done it. But I did. I'm so lonely. And won't justify what I do anymore. I'm bisexual. Me and my ex-g/f(W.H) kissed and stuff last night. I want my new interest. She's the best thing in my life. I kissed her a few times before and she's the best ever. I really want her and me to make it..--

114 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
Love and Lust
Feeling: dorky

I talk to a very good friend of mine. Me and her talked for so long last night on the phone. About everything. I really like her. And we talked about what would have happened if we had good together.--

89 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Love and such
Feeling: awesome

I found someone I can love and it seems to disappear when I speak of it.

"Before I could love, I cut out my heart for you."

Today was great. I ate lunch with the "someone", who I like so much. And is good to me when I need it. Although my someone is taken. Sucks but I think the best.

75 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.  
Boredom and Words
Feeling: braindead

I'm little happier today. Although everything bugs the hell out of me. Like I was happier when I changed the appearance on the computer in 1st block. Silly things make me happy now. Maybe I was bored or this is just a good day. I do live a boring life. If only I had something to do everyday. Its like the same thing everyday. And I write, get on the net, take a shower, and then go to bed. Everyday after I watch all of my shows. Same outfits each week. Its so boring. I think thats one of the reasons I'm depressed most of the time. I think I only dream that I'm okay. I lie to myself. And now I feel bad again.

"scarred soul, twisted and free. save me from myself."

There was a month that I stop cutting entirely. And now only 3 days. Is it just when everything is overwhelming? Or just when I'm bored and I've got nothing else? I don't understand why I would do something like this to myself.

"cut out my heart...and..laugh it all away..."

--I stare death in the face and it laugh. He says, "If I ever dare fall into his month he'll spit me out".--

"cut my heart out of me, b/c it scars my soul..."

55 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
A few bowls of frosted flakes
Feeling: hopeful

I do feel better. I talked to some of my friends. And now although now perfect I do feel better. Its like a little of me matters now. --

63 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Drinking Dr.Pepper and Smoking
Listening to: ??radio??
Feeling: cold

Here's a poem I wrote to my bio-father. I feel better as I read it. Most of my worries drift away..

Its like most of my problems are just staring me in my eyes. My eyes which bleed tears. And no one warns me that I can't hide away forever. It just makes everything worst.

I lay there so helpless,

Wanting you to scream for me,

As the tears flow down from my face,

Looking at you as you walk away,

Like you did two times before,

So many questions I too scared to ask,

For fear of the answers you might tell me,

Don't ask me anything as I lay here and suffer,

The pain you've caused and from you I receive,

I beg to you just to release all of this,

Empty feelings and running away,

From you I can only run.

I'm kinda hungry. Read my life like a open book. Know all I'm feeling and still you don't care. I can accept that. As I just take everything else in as well.--

104 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
*Broken Heart*
Listening to: linkin park......on the radio
Feeling: tense

I cry trying to hide it all away. (my broken heart and its wounded beat)And I can't think. I want to numb all the pain away. And be nothing.

90 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Muted and My Secrets kept
Feeling: ashamed

Everything about every day makes me sad. It also seems that no one cares. When I start to talk its like I'm on mute and no one hears me. I think things to myself no one would listen to anyway. Even if I had enough nerve to say it. Which I don't. I want just to hide it all away and forget everything that bothers me. I would just cut it all away and never speak a word of it. I want to hide from the world under my covers. Staying there forever. Never speaking.

82 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Empty Despair
Listening to: bottom of a bottle
Feeling: touchy

I feel really bad today. Trying to keep myself busy so I won't cut myself. I need anyone to talk to me. I don't even know why I feel this way. So empty. Like someone has tooken out everything that makes me feel alive. And now I'm emotionally dead. I feel useless. I can't even cry. Nothing seems to be working to make me happy. But happiness is just a temp. feeling. Not a time frame. You can't be a feeling 24-7. I have no faith. I believe in no god. I only cut away the feelings I can't feel. Or just don't want to feel. I think this thing you call life is just a nightmare I'm trapped in. I can't excape.

I feel like I'm different. This is not really even me. I'm not myself.What is wrong with me? I ask. Why do I feel this way.

72 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Living after love has died
Listening to: behind blue eyes
Feeling: depressed

I feel like I've been left behind to pick up the remands. I just lay here helpless. Trying to feel anything. But all I can do is cry b/c I don't want to move. I just lay there helpless. --

I just think I need something to make my life complete or get it on the right path. I need to quit cutting and be happy for once. I feel so empty. Like I don't matter to anyone...

Depressing.

88 hit(s) (6 comments) | Say.  
broken dreams
Feeling: discarded

i feel stupid. b/c i cut my skin when no one is looking. i feel like i have to hide away. i really don't know what causes me to be "depressed". maybe its that i'm just bored. or that i just like being sad and crying. or maybe its just that since my bio-father doesn't care about me and just wants to be "my friend". or b/c no one likes me b/c i'm lesbo. maybe its b/c i hear them laughing and talking about just ignore her she's just a lesbo or a dyke. or maybe its just i want to wake up from this nightmare everyone calls life......

87 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
clouds like twisted souls
Feeling: abandoned

I just sit here and dream I'm okay. Me and Stogner talked last night about me. My cutting and me being depressed. I just can't even help myself. How can anyone else help me? No one understands cutting. Yes I can finally say it. I CUT MY LEG WITH A PIECE OF BROKEN GLASS. OK I'm crazy. But I said it.--

97 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
Trying to Heal
Feeling: abused

I feel a rush when i cut. getting caught, bleeding, the pain, etc. its still a little sore. 24 cuts now. trying to heal.

86 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
survey thing i finally got it.....
Listening to: linkin park: numb
Feeling: alright

[[ name ]] – Ashley

[[ nicknames ]] - Monkey

[[ birthday ]] – 11/16/86

[[ astrological sign? ]] - Scroipo

[[ Chinese zodiac sign? ]] - ???

[[ location ]] - N.C.

[[ marital status ]] - single

[[ current hair color ] – dyed

[[ eye color ]] – brown

[[ parents still together? ]] - no

[[ siblings? ]] – none

[[ pets? ]] – none

[[ in school/graduated? ]] – 11th

preferences

[[ black and white/color ]] - Black

[[ black/white ]] – Black

[[ red/blue ]] – Red

[[ dogs/cats ]] - cats

[[ roses/daisies ]] - Roses

[[ hair: short/long ]] - short

[[ boots/sneakers ]] - boots

[[ food: mexican/italian ]] - blah...italian

[[ dark/light ]] - Dark

[[ day/nite ]] - Night

[[ city/country ]] - country

[[ sheets: solid/animal prints ]] – soild black

favorites

[[ color ]] - Black

[[ animal ]] - Jaguar

[[ flower ]] – Black Rose

[[ soda ]] - dr pepper

[[ food ]] - pizza, all the way hotdog,

[[ book ]] – Cut by patrica

[[ author ]] – patrica mc corrick

[[ band ]] – Evanescence, The distillers, Marilyn Manson, Linkin Park

[[ cd ]] - all of the above, etc.

[[ song ]] –

[[ movie ]] – 10 things i hate about you

[[ director ]] - ??

[[ extracurricular activity ]] – no

do you...

[[ color your hair? ]] – yea

[[ have tattoos? ]] – Not yet.

[[ have piercings? ]] – yea

have you...

[[ stolen anything? ]] – yea

[[ smoked? ]] – yea

[[ considered a life of crime? ]] – no

[[ been married? ]] – no

[[ been divorced ? ]] - no

[[ are you psycho? ]] – yea

[[ split personalities? ]] – Sometimes.

[[ schizophrenic? ]] – naw

[[ obsessive? ]] – no

[[ compulsive? ]] – no

[[ obsessive compulsive? ]] – Maybe.

[[ panic? ]] - Of course

[[ anxiety ? ]] - Yea

[[ depressed? ]] - yea

[[ suicidal? ]] – Sometimes.

[[ homicidal? ]] - no no not really ("i'll cut your damn heart out.")

[[ obsessed with hate? ]] - no

[[ mutilate animals? ]] - no

have you ever...

[[ been in love ]] – Nope.

[[ kept a secret from everyone ]] - Yup

[[ had an imaginary friend ]] – still do

[[ called or seen a psychic ]] – one time

[[ ever cried at a chick flick ]] – no

[[ had a crush on a teacher ]] - ..FUCK NO…

[[ watched Punky Brewster ]] – No..

[[ prank called someone ]] – yea

[[ eaten a whole box of cookies ]] - Yea

[[ been on stage ]] – no

[[ gotten in a car accident ]] – No.

do you...

[[ wear eye shadow ]] – Hell yes.

[[ have a dog ]] – no

[[ have any regrets ]] –yea

[[ have a crush ]] – No

[[ do you have a best friend ]] – Yes.

[[ who do you go to for advice ]] – any of my friends

[[ who knows all your secrets ]] – my best friend in the whole world sharon

[[ who do you cry with ]] - myself

do you believe in...

[[ god/devil ]] – no

[[ yourself ]] - no

[[ your friends ]] – yea

[[ aliens ]] – possible

[[ love ]] - .. no

[[ the closet monster ]] – yea he's there

[[ one person for everyone ]] – no

what are you...

[[ doing ]] - …. ummmmm

[[ wearing ]] – my nighty clothes

[[ listening to ]] - radio

[[ thinking ]] – about cutting myself

[[ smelling ]] – my own sweat

[[ drinking ]] – nothing

81 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
bad day
Feeling: pained

Today sucked I got up late (11:00) and the whole day I spent debating weither to go to Mrs. Ransom's office or not. I need to talk to someone but I feel like she or no one else could help me stop cutting. B/c I can't even stop by myself. I feel stupid even talking about it now. Everyone looks at me like a 'sad case'. I hate that. I don't need the damn help.

96 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
mm and needing help
Feeling: dull

I feel like I don't want anyone to help me. I was born to die. Everyone was and as soon as you admit it you can continue living. I don't think anyone could really help me anyway. I tried so hard to get help from someone but they were too dumb to help. All anyone can do now is just hold me tight. Never letting go of me b/c I might drift away and be nothing. Mrs. Ransom has neglected to see me again. I feel unwanted. blah. I need someone to love.

"I could love in this dying world but the simple word "love" has died and went away."

--Marilyn Manson, the song: Valentine's Day

I just want anyone to love me now. When I feel like my insides are dying. And with it the scars of me cutting.--

66 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
go ahead and cut my heart out
Listening to: radio????
Feeling: blah

Everyone is trying their best to help me. i have to see mrs.ransom tomorrow. counselors. blah. i don't want to go....ok i know i need to. but i'm trying to avoid talking about cutting. b/c i failed at quiting. me=big failure. blah.

94 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
poem
Listening to: linkin park
Feeling: damned

"blood and broken glass"

sliting my wrist in the dark,

while the world weeps for me,

but one one really sees,

I'm just a scarred soul,

with nothing on this earth,

the blood and broken glass;

on the floor,

are the only things i know.

134 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
my shades of blue......
Listening to: linkin park...I'm obsessed
Feeling: abused

when everything seems so bad and all I can do is cry, I take the blade to my leg and escape. I need to be numb so I'll cut it all away. The past comes back to me and I can't think. I'll just cut it away and hide it. I'll hide everything. And I'll be nothing, again.

My voice which is silent screams for you. You dream of me and then you can't sleep. And you scream for me. But its too late because I'm already dead.

77 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
I'm not crazy
Listening to: the little people in my head
Feeling: crazy

Saturday night I cut myself. With a piece of broken glass how lame am I. I even tasted my own blood. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. Okay maybe I am. I loved doing it this time. I cut myself for the first time in 1 month. wOw. And I cried and there was a thing. God, I'm keeping this from everyone. I watched Girl, Interrupted. It felt nice to see more crazy people. I'm crazy.

109 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
Freedom and no Fear
Listening to: linkin park #6 hybrid theory
Feeling: abandoned

The cuts are apart of my life I should fear. I don't fear them now b/c I understand why. And now I have nothing to fear by fear itself. It feels nice to cut off all my feelings and be numb. I rejoice in my freedom.

146 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
And this is how I feel
Listening to: linkin park
Feeling: blasphemous

Well my bio-father, as I call him, left my mom after 4 yrs. of abusing her. He hasn't been really wanting to be a father. Or a dad. He drank, did drugs, and he has depression. He hasn't offered me money before now. Its like almost saying oh since you feel so sad I'll make you feel worst by telling you I'll pay for someone to tell you "that you need to get over yourself and heres some meds to keep you calm and you'll become fake." I don't want meds to "keep me sane" if I was meant to be sane I'd be that way. Thats all i'm saying.What makes him think he can just bust into my life wanting to be a dad. He told me he'd like to be my friend. I love him and he's apart of me, "I want him to want me". I feel like I'm not good enough for him and he doesn't want me.

160 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
Eeeek
Listening to: radio:nirvana
Feeling: confused

Colleges that I'm thinking about:

south georgia college, WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY,waycross college, andrews college, atlanta metropoiltan college, auburn university,bainbridge college, and st.edward's university

Colleges that I want me:

Wake Forest University

College that want me:

NONE yet, b/c i'm still a junoir

---------------------------------------------

ummmmm...... I'm not as depressed today. I feel better than I have all month. Thats good, right? I haven't thought about cutting any. For 2 weeks now. WOW. I'm really happy.

68 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
ties and the past.....
Feeling: boyish

I'm trying my best here. Writing my poetry. And trying to quit cutting. I feel better. I turned down the guy James. He liked me but although he was a great friend of mine last year but that was then, I'm different now. I'm moving on beyond my past. Its old. I've changed.

I'm wearing my tie today. Trying to be "different".

78 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
a project in computer apps
Listening to: loud students
Feeling: blah

Self Injury:

self-inflicted physical harm severe enough to cause tissue damage or marks that last for several hours, done without suicidal intent or intent to attain sexual pleasure.

-SI is more about relieving tension or distress than is it about anything else.

-For therapists- punishing us is not the way- it makes it worse not better… we are already punishing ourselves

-For anyone that has every done some form of SI, they learn quickly that it is habit forming. From the first instant that SI invades your world, you get hooked on the quick release or exhilaration harming yourself gets you.

-To the outsider this may seem morbid or sick, but to those that have experience it, there is nothing like seeing your own blood dripping off your arm or leg and knowing you control it. Some are addicted to the blood, some the scars and some the pain.

-Once the first SI has occurred, the next time you're feeling down or angry, your thoughts will immediately turn to SI. And if you succumb to the urge, which many do, it will consume you and become increasingly dangerous.

-On to the other facts about SI. IT IS NOT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. SI is not a form of suicide but rather a lifesaver. Those that engage in SI choose it instead of death. Of course this can change rapidly. Also, in my case, cutting can be used as a gateway.

You must confront the pain behind the cutting. I have also begun to do that and I notice that the urges have decreased in intensity. I am finding other outlets for my pain. Also, I am being to experience emotions again.

283 hit(s) (4 comments) | Say.  
from self-injury to self-help
Listening to: linkin park: hybrid theory
Feeling: alive

1.Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

2.Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

3.What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

4.How do I feel right now?

5.How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

6.How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

7.Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

8.Do I need to hurt myself?

--------------------------------------------

If I try my damnest I might can quit. Erika is the best. I got my mind off my problems so i could concentrate on doing something important; helping her with her diary problem. (Nosey Sister)lol I love having support systems!!! I still need the help.

193 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
poems
Listening to: linkin park: hybrid theory
Feeling: nutty

"cut"

cutting the pain away,

fear;

i dream of a cure,

where i am perfect,

blood;

i see it, so lovely,

just moving out of my skin,

pain;

i control the way it feels,

its in my hands like the blade,

the future;

burying me 6 ft. under,

when i stop breathing.

"depressed"

feeling so distant,

empty and hurt,

alone i glare into nothing,

too much i can't see,

i want to feel all of my pain,

why are you staring at me,

i don't need your disapproval,

i need you just to talk,

instead of turning away,

don't leave menow,

when i need you so bad,

the thoughts are like loud screams,

please god, make them stop,

so depressed and feeling so distant.

"denied"

told to go away,

feeling unwanted,

i need the blade,

it wants me,

i fear being ignored,

i rejioce in the pain,

i inflict upon myself,

and i was only told;

to go away.

"i cut"

seeing the blood,

feeling the pain,

i stop to hide;

the scars,

everyone stares,

i punish myself,

for all the pain;

i've cost myself,

i cut my skin,

and finally i'm numb.

163 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
help me
Listening to: linkin park: hybrid theory
Feeling: destroyed

tell me all of this is a dream. i don't want to feel this anymore. so much pain and i can't release it. i want this all to be fake. when do you oh god, give me the world i deserve. i can't cut away anymore pain. give me something better. make all of this go away. all these thoughts running through my head and i can't think. its too loud and no one can hear me scream i need some help. i want some one to take this all away. give me something better. i want sooo bad to cut my skin and finally feel nothing. to release all of this. please help me.

84 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
I can't
Listening to: the printer
Feeling: broken

what if i can't really quit cutting. i want to stop but i need it. its like a drug. i crave it. i know i have to stop. but i don't want to now. i did stop that one time and now. there's nothing stopping me. i'm at school now and i need to cut. i know i can't here but i don't care. i need the pain. an addiction. i agree. help me. make me want to stop and stay that way. i feel so broken. i need someone to talk to. cut me til i bleed. i need the pain and the blood.

122 hit(s) (1 comments) | Say.  
blah
Listening to: loud students
Feeling: asleep

its in the morning. i have a driving test today at 12:00. i'm soooo hungry. i think i need food. FOOD!!! ahhhhhh........so i have everything worked out. besides how i'll get some food. and i'm trying to stop cutting. i hope its all over. i wrote while i really wanted to cut. i don't think its all over.

87 hit(s) (3 comments) | Say.  
i dunno

BPD-bipolar disorder. nonsense. how did this even come up?

damn moods. i hate them damn moods. ok i cope. i could care

less. dark. depressing. poetry. poe try..haha. whitney came

over. we kissed. wow. she doesn't understand depression.

not at all. she didn't even care to ask. she just wants

someone to kiss. we're not even together. stupid crap. i

put myself through way too much. i want a relationship.

someone to love me and help me through this. it seems easy

but getting over it is so hard. i'm trying to be happy. but

its time to stop pretending and really be happy. yay i'll

be happy ashley. who would have thought? stupid me for sad

thoughts. i should be happy. but i'm not happy all of the

time. or i just don't want to be. maybe i like being

depressed.?. maybe its what i'm best at. i dunno. its

stupid. i shouldn't have even brought this up to mrs.allen.

if i would have only done a happy poem for that project.

but i wouldn't have made a 95 on it. it was very good and

very personal.so whats the problem. i don't think i should

have even started writing poems b/c everyone makes a big

deal of it. its just me expressing myself and my feelings.

i can't help i think like that. but at times its just a

idea i have for a poem. its not really my world. but i'm

not going to pretend in poetry and write about spring

flowers and happy little butterflies and rainbows. and

sunshine. eww.. *barf barf* its not me and it won't be me,

ever. that what i'm scared of; change. "too silly" or just

plan immature stuff bothers me. i do sing to myself, "don't

worry, be happy" or "if you're happy and you know it".just

to be silly. but i do have my moods. but that normal isn't

it? i dunno. give me answers..

82 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
grrrr

i might have bipolar disorder. i don't know. it just seems like a easy way out of really seeing the problem. it might just be a little bit of depression i'll get over. maybe i'm just a moody teen. i'm getting tired of looking all of this up and getting nowhere. it makes me depressed reading all of this and not being able to figure out anything. i'm going to start a "paper" journal for my guidence consulor. she wants us to try to find out why i'm sooo damn depressed. i would like to find out on my own but i can't. i've tried and now i'm tired. why is this sooo damn hard.

89 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
life is just great

mom found the cuts and i talked to a counslor. i have to figure out what's wrong with me. i just think it should be obvisous. but its not... write later

86 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  

so lonely...here all alone.umm..i need food. i'm sooooo hungry. yep me sitting here needing food. damn it i have no life. ok i'm leaving...getting some food...sitting here feeling lonely all alon and needing food. yep me all alone hungry...god...i need something to happen in my life....dating.. umm that sounds nice. the perfect one for me somewhere out there wonder if they're alone feeling lonely and oh soo hungry... oh the irony..

77 hit(s) (0 comments) | Say.  
my dream..far away future

i've always wanted to move to New York. Wonder how cool it'll be...me all alone in NY. WoW for once there would be no people in my way. Modeling=maybe...but i'd have to get cuter. I'm 5'6", 117 lbs., skinny but not anorexic, B 36, belly piercing[not that it would matter],muscles[ok right now i'm just going through a lazy phase], and i can move like a model. So yay i might have a shot..in the dark. but its a shot.did i mention my horrible glasses? grrrr.. make them go away. i'm get new ones yay for me..

98 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
poems

the ticking of the clock,

dripping of the rain,

out of the window i look,

with a long glare i stare;

into nothing,

for hours;

i stay frozen,

wishing someone might save me,

from what i've become,

different from what i've wanted to be,

its nothing;

i can't see,

hush;

i want lies,

tell me nothing's wrong,

and i'm always happy;

no pretending,

i use those excuses,

they get me everywhere,

although i'm still here staring;

out of my window;

not moving.

______________________________________________

the blade sratches my skin,

blood rushes to the surface,

as tears flow from my eyes,

and i can feel all of my pain,

which controls me,

when my angel died,

i still fear what she was,

as i cut my skin; deeper.

______________________________________________

i'm there in the corner,

the blood stains the floor,

and i don't remember why,

i just took the knife to my skin,

i didn't think twice;

i just wanted to feel pain.

today i watched t.v;

seeing perfection,

all the pretty girls,

i know i'll never be them,

i have all my dreams;

they are just nightmares.

later i'll pull at my scabs,

blood will stain the floor again,

and i'll forget why;

one more time,

b/c i don't think anymore.

_____________________________________________

she was the sun,

a wonderful and warm rain of light,

i always walked in her shadow,

hiding in dark corners away from her,

around her i was nothing,

as people looked to me; her pet.

i only loved her with all i was then and now.

i worshiped everything she was,

and now its time to give her a tearful good-bye kiss.

tell her to find a new lover and leave me; behind.

to live forever alone; with her memory.

_____________________________________________

the blade lays on my skin,

the pressure feels so freeing,

like the whole world stops,

and it weeps for me.

as the little tear drops of blood,

push to the surface,

i feel joy and now i care,

before this i saw the world in darkness.

the dark coulds would float;

blocking the sun,

rainbows disappeared,

i felt no happiness,

didn't enjoy my favorite things.

now as the blood stains the floor,

and the burning cut seizes to hurt,

the knife falls; as i watch from the floor.

i finally can continue my fantsiy,

dying is like a drug to me,

so i'll fulfill my life.

256 hit(s) (2 comments) | Say.  
about me

I cut my skin, just to see how much I bleed and cry. I haven't cried yet so I'm doing ok. I don't think I could cry if I wanted. Too bad, i think it might help me.

I don't know how to feel. Or what to feel. Its like there's nothing left and I trust no one. I can't help it; its the way i am. I can't explain it; not enough time. I'm a geek; only for you babe(danielle). I guess it could be cute. Or hot. But I don't feel like I'm all that "good looking".

http://groups.msn.com/psychodyke

http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=88897

243 hit(s) (5 comments) | Say.