I've found love, I found what it is and how it feels. I've found someone who makes me laugh and makes me happy, that's all I ever wanted. And that's what I have now. I love him with all of heart, mind, and soul. Never will I feel this way again or have I before.--

I broke off the engagement. It just wasn't right. I didn't like the idea of giving up my dreams and marrying early. I'll never be happy with anyone, really. I'm just not that lucky. I'm so complex no one will be able to understand me or love me.--

I remember the house where everything started it was yellow on the outside and so dark on the inside. It held all of the bad memories that started a life of pain, fear, guilt, shame, tears, and memories I can’t forget. It all started after my biological father and my mother divorced I was too young to remember any of that. But at the age of five my mom met a new man who took on the responsibility of raising me and supporting my mother. But he took the responsibility of making my life hell by molesting me and later raping me. The whole ordeal lasted for 14 ½ years. I finally got away from it all when I was nineteen after my step-father and my mother divorced. From what I remember of my childhood at the age of five my step-father began touching me, making me touch him, soon turned into him making me jack him off, him putting his fingers inside of me, and rubbing his penis on my body. Anything to sexually gratify him without penetrating me. He would tell me that every father did this and that it was our little secret for me never to tell. My mother worked so that’s when he would approach me and do all of these things to me. I didn’t know that it was wrong and I didn’t know what was happening. I later lost my grandfather when I was eight years old, that almost killed me. I began lying at school about random things. I was sent to a child psychiatrist but it was only for the lost of my grandfather not the sexual abuse. This continued until I was thirteen when he forced himself on me. He took my virginity and I always regretted the fact that I let him do that to me. The sex continued for years. I showed every sign of something wrong with me. I started starving myself it lasted for 2 years. I finally found out that it was anorexia and got through it. I started cutting my skin around the same time. I never understood that both anorexia and self-mutilation came from the sexual abuse I dealt with every day. I would just lay there wishing my mom could read my mind, wishing I could kill him, wishing God would make it stop, wishing I could only disappear, and wishing I could just tell someone. But when I got up enough nerve to tell someone I would freeze, he would threaten me, and I’d lie to get him out of trouble and myself out of all the misery of him being angry with me. He would tell me that if he went to jail my mom couldn’t work and take care of me and I’d be out on the streets that he was the only one that could provide for us. I’d believe him and chicken out. I told about 3 or 4 times. I even created a lie that I lost my virginity by one of my boyfriend raping me. I tried to interrupt the real facts with lies that I made up. I made myself actually believe that it happened so much that I would have nightmares about my ex-boyfriend doing it instead of my step-father. When I was sixteen I found that alcohol and pot hid the fact that I was hurting and I could lose myself. My grades dropped and I failed my first year of high school. He started telling me I would never graduate and I’d be a high school drop out just like he was. I soon fell into a 3 year depression full of cutting myself, dark poetry that I wrote, locking away every feeling I felt, spending more and more time alone in my thoughts and bad nightmares. It was like a cloud of darkness was over me. I didn’t want to have any friends over anymore because he had already been molesting my friends. I feared for them as I feared for myself. I attempted suicide a few times but I finally realized no one would know what happened to me all these years. I couldn’t leave everyone in the dark about my life that was really a hell. I promised myself to hang on until he died so I could tell everyone what happened to me, what he done. I always felt I had the whole world’s pain on my shoulders. That I felt everyone’s pain at one time every time he’d be around. Everything on the television about rape, incest, or abuse of any kind would trigger me and I was freeze and become so emotional. No one ever knew why. I attempted to hide every emotion and I would tell no one what was bothering me. I kept this secret so close that it rotted my soul and I became a empty shell of broken dreams and fake smiles. I pretended everything was alright for so long. I wondered more and more every day what was wrong with me. I guess I pretended nothing was wrong for so long I forgot what was happening to me half of the time. I wanted answers to my questions and the right answer was right in front of me but I was too blind to see it until it stopped. It didn’t stop until my mom and step-father divorced and he started talking to a woman from China. He left and traveled to China to see her. I stayed with my mother. I realized how all of this ruled my life so much and how wrong it really was. I feared the day he returned. I decided to live with my mother so I wouldn’t have to live with all of the pain anymore, I was free of him. He didn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to come over or even call him anymore. I don’t think he understands what wrong he did, if any. I did feel pity for him because of his life with his abusive father who drunk all of the time and would shoot randomly in the house even shot his mother once and him as well. But now I’m nineteen I recently got away from him and come forth and told my mother. I still haven’t went into much detail with her but she knows that’s what important. She also believes me whole-heartedly. I regret not telling her before and that I had to live with all of this for so long. Now I’m on the path to healing and putting all of this past me. Soon, one day I will confront him and tell him that everything he done was wrong. I fear that he’ll do it again with this woman’s daughter, whom is seven years old now. I don’t want anyone else to go through all the pain I did because of a man’s strong- controlling hands, made of fire. I know I will heal and everything will be in the past. I’m actually looking forward to the day where I can forgive him because I know I can’t forget it.--

I'm engaged to be married. It's set for Oct 21, 2006. Oh I'm so happy.--

Me and my mom are back to normal with each other. That's great. I really like it now b/c before she was weird. We talked about it and now we're fine. She was just thinking I liked daddy more and that's why I wanted to stay here. But I told her that wasn't it. I thought that she needed to be on her own without me to depend on. And that I didn't need to depend on her anymore either. It was good for either of us. So it's better now and I'm greatful to have her back to normal. Thank God.--

I have to think is love possible for me? I'm not sure that it is. Damn it.

Matching nautical stars on my hips. I love stars. As you can tell. My favorite shape ever. Stars are better than you!--

I finally did it. And it was the best ever. I'm so happy everything is over now. No more school besides college.--

I'm graduating in just a few days. Tomorrow we're going to get wild...Senior Day @ my school! We have arrived, The class of 2005! It's cheesy but hey I'm going places like out to get high and back home! Then to college. Maybe a girlfriend along the way. Say good bye and then say fuck you!--

When you can... See the air surrounding you, Hear the trees whispering to you, Smell the flowers from miles away, Feel the sand between your toes; so lovely, And your spirit knows all the answers.. Only then can you be undenibly happy. And only then will you understand; everything.--

Some things are kept unknown for a reason, Choices are things you debate about, But in the end you are put down for, Believing in God is more important than living, To some its the only way to go, To others its the only way not to follow, The way the world is now is pitiful, Its dying away and no one notices, Can't you just enjoy words, Even if they mean nothing to you, No matter how much you try, This world will not allow people to be different, So just hang up your good shoes, And throw out your collection of priceless things, Rebelling isn't when you don't believe, Not believing is because you think for yourself, But you'll never be respected for it, So give up now that you think you're ahead of the rest, Because they have you beat and you'll never win, Its you against the world, They don't want to lose to someone like you, You should just pretend to be perfect if nothing else, Why do you have to argue, You know that we're always right why do you try, Everything in the future might be against the law, Like no low-rider jeans and no same-sex marriages, They're out to destroy the unique individuals, And only the different will suffer, For our crimes of thinking for ourselves, And trying to be different than everyone else, So give up now be like everyone else, Believe in god you know he's up there watching you, Don't even look at the same-sex because its wrong, Vote for the war and die fighting for your country, Don't state your opinion about anything, Let others think for you, your mind doesn't work right, Choose to die if someone wants you to, Wear only what others wear, Be the same as your neighbor and nothing can go wrong.

Enjoy This About Me [x] I am bisexual or homosexual. [x] I've consumed alcohol. [ ] I've run away from home. [ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am. [ ] I don't like Bush because from what I hear, he is dumb. [x] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up. [ ] I am for Bush. [x] I don't really care about Bush [x] I listen to political music.(write political poems as well) [ ] I have collected comic books. [x] I shut others out when I'm depressed. [x] I open up to others easily. [x] I am keeping a secret from the world [ ] I watch the news. [ ] I own over 5 rap CDs. [ ] I own an iPod or MP3 [x] I own something from Hot Topic [ ] I love Disney Movies. [ ] I am a sucker for brown hair. [ ] I don't kill bugs. [x] I curse regularly. [ ] I paid for that cell phone ring. [ ] I am a sports fanatic. [ ] I have "x"s in my screen name. [ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation. [ ] I love Spam. [x] I bake well. [x] I would wear pajamas to school. [ ] I own something from Abercrombie. [ ] I have a job. [ ] I love Martha Stewart. [ ] I am in love with love. [ ] I am guilty oF tYpInG lIkE tHiS. [x] I am self conscious. [x] I like to laugh. [x] I smoke a pack a day. [x] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower. [ ] I loved Go Ask Alice. [x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. [x] I can't swallow pills. [ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem [x] I eat fast food weekly. [x] I have many scars. [ ] I've been out of this country. [x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. [x] I am really ticklish. [ ] I see a therapist. [x] I love chocolate. [ ] I bite my nails. [x] I am comfortable with being me. [ ] I play video games. [x] I'm single [ ] I'm in a relationship [x] Had someone cheat on you [x] Miss someone right now [x] lost a loved one [ ] snuck out of the house [ ] gotten lost in your city [ ] saw a shooting star [ ] been to any other countries besides the united states [ ] had a serious surgery [x] gone out in public in your pajamas [ ] kissed a stranger [ ] hugged a stranger [ ] been in a fist fight [ ] been arrested [x] done drugs [x] laughed and had a drink come out of your nose [x] pushed all the buttons on an elevator [ ] made out in an elevator [x] swore at your parents [x] kicked a guy where it hurts [x] been in love [x] been close to love [ ] been to a casino [ ] been skydiving [ ] broken a bone [x] been high [x] had sex [x] given someone a bruise [ ] skinny-dipped [ ] skipped school [x] flashed someone [ ] had oral surgery [ ] done the splits [ ] drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour [x] bitten someone [ ] been to Niagara Falls [x] gotten the chicken pox [x] been dumped [x] had feelings for someone who didnt have them back [ ] stole something from your job [ ] gone on a blind date [x] lied to a friend [x] had a crush on a teacher (substitutes count too) [ ] saw someone die [ ] been to Africa [ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day [ ] Been to Canada [ ] Been to Mexico [ ] Been on a plane [x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show [ ] Thrown up in a bar [ ] Purposely set a part of myself on fire [ ] Eaten Sushi [ ] Been snowboarding [ ] Met someone in person from the internet (facebook counts!) [ ] Been moshing at a rock show [ ] Been to a moto cross show [x] had real feelings for someone you knew only online [x] taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself [x] been in an abusive relationship [x] tried killing yourself [x] taken painkillers [x] love someone or miss someone right now

"Goodbye to the girl" She whispers in the darkness, Her blood red smile doesn't show, Her heart still pumps but she's dead, You touched her and she froze, Just like she did before, The nightmares keep her up at night, Of the night you took her, The light burns her pale skin, She'll never be the same again, She's broken apart, Never to be fix, All of her skin is cut to pieces, Blood covers the floor, She whispers in the darkness, Goodbye.....

We all want everything perfect. And powdering our noses only makes us perfect. And Ana makes us beautiful. And I want to be perfect and beautiful. I know I'm really not so it will be wonderful. I wish it was that easy... Just to powder your nose.

The rain had fell down, I had told you once before; I wanted to die, You never did listen to me, You only smiled and gave me a cigarette, I never wanted you to know, I was going to do it for real, I went home right after, I continued to smoke, As I slipped into the bathtub, I had my razor blade, And it was dark, The candle only blazed as light, I finished the cigarette, And slit my wrist open, The world when black...

Friday, a day of hyperness and good, happy moods. But me I'm in denial. Fridays aren't good. They are the lonely days where you have school and other plans. In my world besides time alone. I have to work deals to be alone. To actually do anything I have to beg. I think I should get a break. But I doubt it. I want to be okay. I'm not that lucky. Every day I let my secrets show before I know it they will know me. Or think they do. I just want to be known or just remembered when I die. I want to feel like if I died this w/e that people would cry and mourn the lost of me. And there would be people at my funeral. It's sad but I want them to like me. If everyone would just observe and listen to me maybe they would know a lost more about me. But they don't care to notice. And I don't care enough to tell them anything to make them understand. I'll just write all of my poems and journal entry and forget all about them. They'll never even try to understand. But I'm the one stuck caring so much. and it's still not worth any of it. I stay alone hopeing someone will save me. And I'd just rather be alone. But no one really cares. And I'm okay with that. I just have to getused to it.--

It feels like I'm walking around in a lifeless body. Nothing seems alright, not anymore. B/c it all seems so stupid. Like nothing even matters. It's like depression has taken over my mind. And I can no longer survive without it. I want people to feel sorry for me. But they don't ever understand me or what I go through. I want everyone to pity me and sheild me from bad things. And hold my hand and lead me. I'm about to give up and I need someone to take over for me. I have to weight of the world on my shoulders and no one is there to even lift it off for 2 seconds. I need a break. Someone help me please. I just need someone to comfort me right now. a shouler to cry on. I need someone to take care of me. I can't do it by myself. I want someone to bring me food in bed and just leave me alone for about 3 days straight without any phone calls, plans, or any yelling or talking. I need this so badly. But I have no one to do it. And no one I'd ask for fear of seeming so silly or selfish. It's just what I need. A break..

Who is this girl in the mirror? She's so strange looking while everyone looks plain. It's almost like they're in black n white and I'm in color. I can see all of my flaws. I know all of my own secrets. They eat me alive. But my face lies to everyone. Only I know the truth. I can't bare telling anyone the truth. I just want everyone to understand. Without me saying a word. I want them to know everything. But I can't speak. My lips are sewed together. The cold air kills my soul, freezing it away until it's purple and black. And then I feel no soul inside my body. I slowly shlip away and everything goes black. I can't breathe nor feel anything. This body is dead and nothing can save me now. I can't be anmore. I'm done. If someone wants me I'll be morning my own soul. B/c death was a curse upon my soul. Maybe in another life I was a serial killer and now this life is punishment. Bad killings, huh? I could image myself gasping for air and screaming, "My soul is dying, help!" I only wish that people weren't fools. And knew when I'm broken. What do they think of me? Do they think I'm a dork or a loner by choice? Why is it so hard for them to see I'm broken? If they seen any cuts they wouldn't ever understand. They'd turn me in and be grossed out. They wouldn't care to look it up and learn about it. No one will ever care enough to help me. No one at school will ever care besides my friends. No one understands.--

Some of the better days were in this week. And I wish I didn't have to medicate myself for these results. It would be nice if I was normally this way. But I'm not so, I just have to deal with it. I guess I will be fine, some day. Maybe not any time soon but a girl can dream. I'd really like to just hang out with friends more. Maybe that would make me feel better. Just a few things actually make me happy anymore. But I try to surround myself with happy people. And it works. People who can make me laugh are the best. I want to be okay but I'm not. I just have to get used to taking meds to make me sane. It seems like I can't even interact with people without taking my anti-depressants. I hate this shit. I can't even be normal. It's stupid how I'll never be okay. I wish it all wasn't true. I wanted to be just fine but there's no way. And I don't understand why. I can only hope and wish. I do things that I seem to regret later. I really feel sorry for myself. I should though. It seems like there's nothing I can do to help anything. So much pain in my poetry. Like the poem I wrote We're all dead. A girl in my math class read it and she said that it was good but freaky. Which was find with me. I didn't care what she said I just wanted someone to read it. I really missed writing.--

I took a pill to feel better and now thanks to people I feel like shit. Nothing works anymore. I should just fucking kill myself right this second. Just slit my fucking wrist right infront of them. In this world things are puishable by death. No one seems to care. No one realizes that this is what tears me apart. It gets tid of what is important and kills us from the inside. That makes me worse than I was before. B/c they anyone else needs me. I just need them to need me. They will never say anything to their following friends. Never would true friends betray me like this. I was right I have on one in any of my classes that even care so what's the point. Revenge in the dimest of lights. Which isn't promised to anyone. I seemed to be okay until shit hits the fan. No one in here values me as a important anything. So how do I fit in? I don't, I never will. Never will I even fit it anywhere. And will I even care? No I won't. Everyone is so narcasstic with their make-up mirrors and pretty clothes. I don't really care what they think about my looks. I'm not on this earth to be a sex toy and be stared at. It all feels like bullshit. I did want to die at one time. But I never had the balls to. And people judging me by the way I look doesn't help. Of course my uniform hides the fact that I'm so skinny. No one knows I do have 'that body'. Nothing is real. Everything is so fake. I know I just need someone to share my life with. But no one will have me. Not one person has asked me out. What do they think of me then? I just need someone to ask me, "Where ya been? Who did you see? What they say? Hey what do you know?". I just want someone to care. I want someone to tell everything is going to be okay and just for them to kiss it all away. Please tell me lies, tell me that this will end soon, tell me that I have to live for you, tell me anything that will save me.--