I'm alive! and i remembered my sitdiary password!! weird..lol last entry was over a year ago! i think they were all poems.. i haven't even looked >.< going to try to get in touch with people here again.. whats new?? 2 years and a half with my boyfriend.. we're breaking up.. life.. ¬¬ im not studying right now.. want to.. psychology.. but not yet.. =[ life at home the same.. no one talks to me..lol used to it.. im happy with my friends.. and alcohol ^^ i still like blOOd ^^ lol.. sex pistols!! love!! alesana! too! kIss mE.. nOt! ^^

I find my self meaningless and empty just knowing that im not at all worthy. It's just this feeling that burns my soul the look in my eyes is so dead,there is no glow. Receiving, deceiving, believing, just feeling, that is living. So tired of me, it makes me so sick dying inside, im feeling so weak. Cutting like all, needing to bleed dont know whats worse, now or as a kid. Everybody sees me, and they see my fears choking inside, 'cause i wont show my tears. Stuck with my self, no way to live got to make a choice now, need to start to believe.

Was it my innocence you took away? I guess so, I clearly remember that day. You took my smile away & peaceful times with those memories I've made a million rhymes. You're a crook, that my childhood took I closed my eyes, I could not look. You killed me every night Damn you! You had no right! All you ever taught me was to be afraid all I ever knew was how it felt to be betrayed. Oh God! It's killing me so bad! I hate you,bloody tears,you've made me so sad..

When the night feels empty and no one is there to save you When you try to feel real love in the silence of the stars When you cry alone and the witness is the sky And all you do is believe there's no one else there but you. Looking deep inside, searching in someone to believe, Holding on to your own defeat, knowing you cant retreat, Wanting to be yourself but not knowing how to live. When your soul is lonely wishing for someone to be true When you cut yourself cause it helps you once again to breathe When the mirror stares at you and strikes you with the truth And all you do is believe there's no one else there but you. Looking deep inside... All the knowledge that is learned, all the moments you go through, all be gone, all destroyed, at the end, only YOU. ******************************** DisorderRatingParanoid Disorder:HighSchizoid Disorder:ModerateSchizotypal Disorder:LowAntisocial Disorder:HighBorderline Disorder:Very HighHistrionic Disorder:LowNarcissistic Disorder:ModerateAvoidant Disorder:LowDependent Disorder:LowObsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! ---- Personality Disorders --

Keep lying & you'll make it all undone go ahead,do it & this love will be none Wish I believe you,so you think you've won but before you know it,we'll both be gone. We said second chances are forever that our love would not die ever But then there was no change,no later tell me,will it ever get better? I lied once,twice,over & again we said no more cause this love would drain But youre starting,do you want this to begin? can't you see you're only making pain. Stop the lies,stop the whys,stop the cries stop it all or rather watch as this dies. Who hurts more,a game,that's about ties the longer it lasts,the sooner the goodbyes. Don't make me want to bleed please forgive me all I ever did Don't plant another rotten seed please ralize it's the last thing we need. Don't make me forever fall asleep please don't make me hatred inside keep Don't make my pain run deep please stop lying,stop making my blood drip. Is this to you a game,see whos the last to stand? My arm cut open,my heart on your hand. Until there's no other chance,no way to mend. Is this really how you want it to end? ..Cause it can..

You kept your mouth shut you saw my flesh cut To you there was no "but" 'till no more husband you got. To live in your perfect world,you chose.No one you told The price you had to pay was your daughters life,which you eagerly sold. Seen me cry,watched me die can't deny all your lies He messed me up,'till I was getting high bleeding through as much as nature defies. Kept quiet all those nights to disguise wrongs into rights Now you wonder why to all these fights Guess what!Abused..abused!Reality bites! To live in your perfect world,you chose.No one you told The price you had to pay was your daughters life,which you eagerly sold. Hide behind religious masks pretend to do all your motherly tasks and whenever someone asks a smile so fake you make me puke..my mother sucks! You let him touch You let him watch. To live in you perfect world.. You stayed beside as a 5 year old died You shut your eyes to all my cries. 8 years you made me go through hell every night into pain,into hate I fell 5 years old and broken,a loveless life so pale Pain became hate,bloody arms like a story tale. YOU LET HIM TOUCH YOU LET HIM WATCH SACRIFICED MY LIFE TO STILL BE HIS WIFE! You dared stand beside him still no matter what he did,no matter how I feel Can't erase the memories,they can't be killed I fucking hat you both!..waiting to be healed. Irony,now he left you for who knows,who cares who Now you're the one crying now I'm the one smiling.

Sometimes im just staring at my arm getting ready to open it up with a broken mirror i do the harm it just makes me wake up. Sometimes im just staring at my blood spreading all over my stupid self licking it off while more comes out trying to eat all the life inside itself. Sometimes im just staring at my scars remembering me how i fought a million wars needing on my arms new sapce bleeding is all i want these days. Constant reminders... Make me smile... How it feels... And it wont heal... Just some cuts Just some blood And then... there are scars.