Listening to: Lady Gaga - A Million Reasons
I know it should be an obvious thing because even the name doesn't sound attractive. For those who don't suffer with anxiety it's the constant feeling of fear. It's a constant voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you you're not good enough. It's the occasional explosion of an overwhelming weight that makes you feel suffocated. It's not being able to be left alone with your thoughts for too long or you'll go crazy. It's not fun.
I've progressed so much with my anxiety that I'm shocked sometimes because I never thought I could and then there are days where it'll hit me and I'll feel like I made no progress at all. Those days suck. Majorly.
I am trying to do so much with my life right now and I'm just scared none of it will work out. I'm scared I'll be a failure and let everyone who believes in me down.
I'm currently finishing a novel up (my muse finally returned, yay!), working on a game, and also getting things ready to start my baking business. It's a lot but I need a lot or else my thoughts will drive me crazy.
I really, really, really want to succeed in life it's just so hard. I have to be strong and tell the negative voice in my head (her name is Debra) to shut the fuck up and let me breathe. Let me be as successful as I know I'm destined to be. Let me prove to all the people who said I couldn't do something in my life that I CAN do it and I can do it better than they ever dreamed of. Than I ever dreamed of.
I just want to make people proud of me.
A few days ago Anthony and I went apple picking for the first time since last season. It was so much fun...and even though we got way too many apples and I now have a fridge of apples just waiting to be cooked, I want to go again. I love spending time with him. ^.^
Ok...that's enough for today.