[133] Only One
Listening to: Letters From The Fire - My Angel
Feeling: affectionate

Hey.

So the last three days were awful but also good...in a weird way.

It was the trio of Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day...so it should have been 100% awesome, right? Well no, wrong.

For starters I had to get through an incredibly stressful weekend of work before the holidays which wasn't fun. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I made a crapton of money. And then after that, on Christmas Eve, I had to go Christmas shopping which last minute isn't fun. Thankfully a random shop in the mall was having a huge blowout sale (95% off everything!) so that tremendously helped with the budget.

After I spent the first Christmas Eve with my mom in forever. Anthony and myself went out with her to eat at the local Chinese Buffet. However it wasn't entirely good because my asshole Uncle showed up and that was all kinds of awkward. Not to mention I ate SOMETHING bad and as a result got food poisoning. So...that wasn't fun.

 

On Christmas I was still feeling ill but I powered through it and went to see Anthony's mom's family with him. I baked like 3 dozen cupcakes for the holidays. I was touched because I actually got stuff from his family (I'm used to his dad's side ignoring me & our relationship so that not happening was nice) we also had a nice conversation with his older sister and she made us both feel a lot better about where we are in our lives.

And it also helped me to appreciate my relationship more because sometimes you take for granted the...benefit of having someone always there for you to help you through your struggles and Anthony has definitely helped me a lot. I'm not as anxietic, I'm better in social situations, and I can handle myself better without cutting or drinking. And now I'm helping him work through the anger his parents instilled in him.

We're both broken but together we're whole and that's the important thing. Sometimes it's not about the most obvious thing but the little details in between.

This holiday season has taught me so much about myself and my relationship and it's never going to be easy but it'll always be worth it. 

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[132] Lose It All
Listening to: Stitched Up Heart - Catch Me When I Fall
Feeling: sad

Hey Sitdiary.

Things have been going well.

I've been pulling extra hours at the ol' warehouse and earning decent money...and as with most things in life, more money = better.

I've been trying to start writing under a new penname and that's going okay I just need to find the motivation that I've been lacking. It seems like the surge of adrenaline I had two months ago has vanished and left me feeling empty inside. I want to finish my work so I can get it published. I want to succeed in my endeavors. It's just really awful when you have an overwhelming voice in the back of your head that tells you you're going to fail no matter what you do. Anxiety sucks. And I wish I didn't have it. Thanks, family.

I guess there's nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and try my hardest to push back against the tide that keeps trying to drag me under. I just worry one day I won't be able to fight being dragged out to sea and I'll drown. I don't want that and the prospect is scary...but I can't help but thinking about it sometimes.

I just wish I could be normal. In a perfect world I'd be anxiety-free, depression-free, straight, married, have my dream job, and have 2.5 kids by now.

But this isn't a perfect world and that life was never meant for me. 

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[131] Need a Scalpel
Listening to: Senses Fail - Buried A Lie
Feeling: beat

The past few weeks have been interesting.

I've been writing a lot more and just trying to keep myself from going under with my anxiety/depression. It seems like it always hits me this time of year and I need to learn to force it down. It's so weird that right around the time of the holidays it hits me. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of the year? Ugh.

I have a convention in a month and I'm sad because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I've not made much progress and I'm annoyed. I'm starting a regime tomorrow so that makes me happy. I'm just tired of stress eating and bake eating (I love baking but since I have to taste my own creations it gets fattening!)

I hate that my family didn't teach me better eating habits when I was younger. Like they were perfectly okay with me drinking two 2-liter bottles of soda a day and eating 6 packages of ramen in two sittings. Is it any wonder why I was an obese pre-teen? Thankfully I'm not obese currently but I still have a long way to go before I'm in the body I want to be in. I just hope I can get there - you need a lot of will power which is something I've always lacked.

I feel scared and...apprehensive. There's been a lot of changes in my life recently and I'm worried about how I'm going to handle them and how I'll deal with the ramifications if they cause problems. I hope that issues don't rise and I hope everything will remain stable but...you never know. And that's the scary thing.

I don't feel like I write here as much as I should because it is cathartic and every therapist in the world recommends keeping a diary...maybe that'll be a New Years' Resolution - go back to doing daily entries again. We'll see when the time comes. Let's just focus on one a week until then. Maybe. :P

Otherwise...I guess things are good. 

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[130] Got Me Weak
Listening to: Hailee Steinfield - Starving
Feeling: loved

Hey.

It's been a while but I'm still active a year later (which is practically longer than I've ever been able to do consecutively which I feel like is a win on my part so hush)

Yesterday, 11/14, marked my 7th year anniversary with Anthony.

It's hard to believe we've been together for seven whole years. Sometimes it feels like we just got together and other days I can definitely feel each and every single day that I've been in this relationship.

I won't go too much into what he means to me and how much our relationship has saved me because I covered that last year in an entry. I'll just say that I'm thankful we're still together a year later.

People always lie and say when you love someone it comes easy. There is nothing easy about /love/ as an emotion. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do because you must learn to compromise which is hard for those people who are stubborn (ala me) and you must also learn how to be strong while being weakened.

Love is strength because it can make you do things you never thought you were capable of doing, but it's also weakness. It's allowing someone to make you weak because you place your life, heart, and soul into their hands and hope they don't destroy you.

When I think about the person I used to be and who I am now, I realize that in many ways my relationship has matured me. It's forced me to become more pragmatic and also taught me what love really was.

So here's to another year, hell, a lifetime of happiness and devotion to each other. <3

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[129] Worse Seem Better
Listening to: Lady Gaga - A Million Reasons
Feeling: anxious

Anxiety sucks.

I know it should be an obvious thing because even the name doesn't sound attractive. For those who don't suffer with anxiety it's the constant feeling of fear. It's a constant voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you you're not good enough. It's the occasional explosion of an overwhelming weight that makes you feel suffocated. It's not being able to be left alone with your thoughts for too long or you'll go crazy. It's not fun.

 

I've progressed so much with my anxiety that I'm shocked sometimes because I never thought I could and then there are days where it'll hit me and I'll feel like I made no progress at all. Those days suck. Majorly.

I am trying to do so much with my life right now and I'm just scared none of it will work out. I'm scared I'll be a failure and let everyone who believes in me down.

I'm currently finishing a novel up (my muse finally returned, yay!), working on a game, and also getting things ready to start my baking business. It's a lot but I need a lot or else my thoughts will drive me crazy.

I really, really, really want to succeed in life it's just so hard. I have to be strong and tell the negative voice in my head (her name is Debra) to shut the fuck up and let me breathe. Let me be as successful as I know I'm destined to be. Let me prove to all the people who said I couldn't do something in my life that I CAN do it and I can do it better than they ever dreamed of. Than I ever dreamed of.

I just want to make people proud of me.

 

---

 

A few days ago Anthony and I went apple picking for the first time since last season. It was so much fun...and even though we got way too many apples and I now have a fridge of apples just waiting to be cooked, I want to go again. I love spending time with him. ^.^

Ok...that's enough for today. 

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[128] Make It Right
Listening to: Simple Plan - Perfect
Feeling: scattered

So today was interesting.

I ended up (after much debating) going to a party thrown by my aunt (on my dad's side). It was a birthday party/costume party for my 15 year old cousin.

I enjoyed the ride there because I got to spend a lot of time with my sister (who was my "date") and we caught up a lot and just talked about life.

 

It was interesting because I hadn't seen that side of the family in a few years, well, some of them I haven't seen since 2014 and others since 2008.

When I was younger I held things against them I probably shouldn't have. I distanced myself from that side of the family because I blamed them for the shit my father put me through. How he was never there for me growing up and how I feel like he took advantage of my mother. I mean she was 14/15 when they got together and she had me not too long after...and he was in his 20s. Yeah.

But of course my father was there and he was drunk (of course) and like he did his usual bullshit of hugging me and telling me how much he loved me and showing me off to his family members/friends that I haven't met before. It's really uncomfortable. I feel so awkward when he hugs me/shows me affection because I'm not used to it. And I don't know how to process it without going numb.

Towards the end of the night he pulled me close and told me how sorry he was for everything he did - I guess him and my mom splitting, him not being there for me, etc. etc. and whatever else he could think of.

I didn't know how to react and I still don't.

I want to believe he meant the words he said. I want to believe that he knows how much he fucked up and that he knows he did wrong by me and really does want to rectify all of the pain/hurt he caused. but I know better.

Why? Because he's said this shit before.

 

He told me the same thing when I was 12/13 and he showed up randomly and said he'd take me to a baseball game/to the movies. He never showed.

 

He told me the same shit when I was 16 and I visited him when he was drunk with his friend.

He told the same thing to my aunt when I was 21 and she had her new baby. How he was sad we weren't close and how he missed all the years in my life.

And now he's told me it when I'm 24.

I don't need him anymore. I don't think I ever did because I had an amazing dad substitute. But like...I don't know why he keeps doing this to me. I wish he would just let me go. Pretend I don't exist. Stop with the empty promises. Stop with the comforting words that we both know he has no intention of following up on. It's not fair to me. It really isn't.

 

"Hey Dad,

I'm writing to you. 

Not to tell you that I still hate you,

just to ask you how you feel.

And how we fell apart.

How this fell apart.

Are you happy out there in this great wide world?

Do you think about your son?

When you lay your head down

how do you sleep at night?

Do you ever wonder if I'm alright.

 

I'm alright." 

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[127] Forget Where You Been
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Under The Knife
Feeling: reflective

Hey diary.

So recently as a birthday present to a friend of mine I read a bunch of my early entries to him. See, he didn't know me back when I was 12/13/14/15 so he was excited to see the kind of person I was.

Yeah, it lead to me cringing a lot but I got through it.

It's interesting to read back and remember all the things I did and the person I was. I mean, I'm still the same person but I see things differently and have evolved beyond my old line of reasoning. I don't regret the things I did or the person I was because it helped shape my present and it also helped me to become a stronger person than I would have been otherwise.

I wish I could go back in time and tell 12/13/14/15 year old me to not take things so seriously. That it seems bad now but in 10 years everything will be just fine. You'll be out of your grandmother's house. You'll be in a relationship (the one thing you've always wanted!) you'll have a purpose in life. You'll have dozens of friends - so many that you won't be able to keep up with them. You'll be wanted. You'll be loved. You don't have to be miserable now because everything you're feeling is just temporary and one day it'll all be so much better.

Just be patient.

 

I think so many people forget where they've come from and where they've been. And they end up forgetting why they got to where they are. If you forget your roots you lose your entire reason for being.

I was pretty miserable when I was younger. I did a lot of cringy things (like "fall in love" too fast, try and force people to like me, care way too much about what people thought, dealt with more bullshit than I should have, etc) but as I said, I don't regret any of it because your experiences and memories shape you. If you're smart, they'll shape you for the better. If you're dumb, well, you'll never grow.

I'm glad I've grown into a mostly okay person. I say mostly okay because I still make mistakes. I still have anger issues. I still take too much bullshit sometimes. And I still care about what people think of me. But I'm learning more and more every day and maybe one day it won't be the same.

I hope 12/13/14/15 year old Mike...like if he could see me now, I hope he'd be proud of the man he turned into. Because I am proud of who I am. 

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[126] Close Your Eyes
Listening to: Icon For Hire - The Magic
Feeling: worn

I can't believe it's almost going to be a year since I started writing here again.

I look back on 2015 and it seemed so long. I went through so much stuff, did so many things, and grew so much as a person and it seemed to go on forever. And in comparison, 2016 seems so short. I don't know if time's just going faster or this year has just been uneventful - aside from the whole losing my house thing >.>

 

I'm starting a new venture. I'm still not in writing mode but I've been baking a lot and I've learned to make what I've been told are super delicious cupcakes and I'm hoping to start catering weddings, parties, etc. I just really want to spread smiles and baking sweets for people is the best way for me to do that I think.

 

I'm dealing with family bullshit drama again. My grandmother had me working for her and she ended up not paying me for 60% of the work I did and yet she has the balls to get mad at me for not wanting to help her anymore. I'm just so over her.

 

And I'm over my cousin and her drama. I honestly hope they take away her baby because I can't stand to see my God Daughter abused/be in an abusive situation. It makes me sound heartless, I know, but honestly the baby would be better off with a new family than with her mother and father. My poor aunt doesn't need the stress of another kid in her life when she has a recent newborn. Ugh.

I think one of the scariest feelings is not knowing what your place in the world is. Not only that but feeling like there's a time limit and if you don't find out by the end of the countdown you'll just be a shattered mess whom everyone hates. It's a silly fear but it...is very real.

I hope I'm going in the right direction in my life. And I hope I'm making all the right choices. 

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[125] Sing You A Lullaby
Listening to: Melanie Martinez - Milk and Cookies
Feeling: depressed

Things are looking up, I believe.

For one, the kid my brother stabbed is doing fine so that's good. There's still a court date so that'll be something to see if he gets off and I hope they take it easy on him. He's saying it was in self-defense so we'll see.

I move into my new apartment tomorrow. God, it's beautiful. I'm really excited. And once I'm there I can begin working towards my new passion of opening a bakery. I'll be baking my heart out and showing the world what I can do. I just hope people are receptive.

 

I'm still depressed because money is an issue. I'm not pulling in money like I used to because I haven't written a novel in over a year at this point, my short stories have been declining, and I don't have the law office job that I used to. I'm starting something temporary which could make me about 100 dollars a night so that'll be nice.

 

I'm feeling disillusioned from some of my friends. I don't know if it's the situation I've been in or just...general fatigue but it's harder and harder for me to not be mad at them. Like I can normally brush it off but it's getting difficult to not go off - and I need to remember not to do that.

 Time seems to move so quickly. I hate it. I wish it would slow down so I can catch up with everything but I know that's not what it does. I just need to be able to breathe.

 

I can't believe it's almost been a year since I started writing in this diary full time. I've managed 125 entries and it's not been a year yet. That's 1/3 - which is way better than my old track record. So I'm proud of myself. I wanted to do somewhat constant updates and record my thoughts and I've managed for the most part. Maybe next year I could manage to do 2-3 a week and aim for 200. We'll see.

A character from one of the new shows I discovered has a favorite saying and I think it's time to embrace that. Essentially; if you look hard enough at any situation you can see good and you can see bad. Some people choose to only see the bad. But you can also choose to see the good.

I'm going to choose to start seeing the good more than the bad.

In less than 24 hours I will have made about 100 dollars, I'll be in my own house, and I'll be one step closer to my destiny.

Not too shabby at all.

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[124] Just An Outcast
Listening to: Disney Soundtrack - God Help The Outcasts
Feeling: helpless

I don't know if You can hear me

Or if You're even there

I don't know if You will listen

To a humble prayer

They tell me I am just an outcast

I shouldn't speak to You

Still, I see your face and wonder

Were You once an outcast, too?

 

 

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I know my last entry left things on a cliffhanger.

Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others.

 I went to a con with friends. It's the one I go to every summer and it definitely helped me raise my morale and perspective on things as only friends can do. It was also the first drama free one in a long time...which was good. Sure there were small incidents but they were just that - small.

My cousin isn't moving in. Her mother put an end to that crap.

Oh, we got back and we found a place to move into that's reasonable and not bad! So yeah, we're leaving at the end of this month which makes me very happy.

Today I got some scary news. My brother stabbed someone. Yup, you read that correctly. He stabbed someone and my mother was at the police station with him.

I'm nervous. I hope he didn't do it. There's a chance he didn't and is just covering for someone. He's that type of person he'd rather go down than betray a friend...he's very troubled and has been going through things the last year or so. I don't know if he knows how bad our mother's heart is or how much strain he's putting on her.

I'm worried for his future and I'm worried for hers.

One of the good things of my mother having me so young is that she's supposed to be in my life a long time. I don't want that to be cut short because of stress. But on the other hand she could have been more on top of things with him. Damn it.

I think no matter what the outcome today, lives will be ruined. As it stands the boy/victim is in the hospital and they don't know how he's doing / if he'll survive.

If you pray, please pray for my family.

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[123] Been My Home
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Supposed to Be
Feeling: violated

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

 

 

I'm so angry right now.

My grandmother, after promising to NOT move my cousin in here, agreed to let her move in.

FUCK.

I don't want to deal with this bullshit and I do not need the stress. I'm tired of everyone giving in and letting her make a mess of her life and always being there to catch her when she falls - thus NEVER letting her learn her lesson.

 

 

I don't understand.

I don't understand how she received all of the tools needed for life on a silver plattered, squandered them, and everyone just acts like it's no big deal and treats her like a damn victim.

 

I can't live with her. I did it once and itwasn't a good situation. I do not want to deal with her and become a built in babysitter / endure her abusing her child. I can't handle this bullshit anymore.

 

Now I have to move AGAIN in less than two months because everyone in my family is so damn unreliable.

FUCK.

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[122] Do You Have a Pulse?
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Pulse
Feeling: sarcastic

I'm going to try and blog more...it helps me clear my mind and relax. There's something theraputic about typing what you think and seeing the words in front of you.

I don't know what to do with my life currently.

I need to come out with more books but my muse is being silent. Every time I go to write nothing comes out and it's just...blankness. I don't know why but it's distressing.

I've been hacking games like editing/changing things and making new scripts in an attempt to make a new version - which is fun and time consuming, but I can't spend hours on it like I used to. I just do it for 20-30 minute bursts...and then I do something else.

I've been watching Merlin and that takes my mind off of my issues, at least until the credits roll so I've begun to chain watch episodes which does help...but also wastes my day.

I can't get a job until July. I'm moving around too much and can't put any roots down until I have a more stable living situation.

Ugh.

The one thing I want to do - I want to open a bakery or work in a bakery. I love to cook - I love everything about it but I don't have credit, can't get business loans, etc. so that's not going to happen. I just hate how complicated life is sometimes.

The only thing that's keeping me going is that the game con I'm going to looms close and I'll see my friends again. I'm so glad we saved up all the money and payed everything off before shit went to hell. Oh, and Icon For Hire put out new music. That's helpful, too.

I miss my friends - especially Jordan and Ashe. I can't wait to see them. 

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[121] Any Moment
Listening to: Melanie Martinez - Bombs On Monday
Feeling: peaceful

So today marks the first day of change and turning my life into a positive direction.

I started a new diet today where I'm monitoring everything I eat and portioning correctly. If it goes well, I hope to lose 35lbs by the end of this year. I want to get fit and healthy.

 I'm also going to be writing more. It'll have been a year since my last release and that's not how it should be. I should be releasing novels yearly.

And exercise, too, btw on that getting fit/healthy front.

I just want to take steps in the right direction to be happy - to make myself happier.

On that note, I've also gone to the doctors to get a minor operation that I should have gotten when I was younger but never did - that's scheduled for August. And I'm also getting my anxiety meds back because I feel like I need them until the end of the year, anyway.

Wish me luck. 

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[120] Room For Me
Listening to: B*Witched - C'est la vie
Feeling: flustered

Things are a bit brighter but not much.

Grandmother is reverting back to her old self...and it barely took a week. I have to be strong because we're stuck here for a few months. I can be strong. I survived 17 years of this I can endure 3 months. Ugh.

On a lighter note I have Internet back so I can play WoW again.

I'm excited about the recent con I have coming up (I already paid for it before the whole house losing thing so shh) it'll be nice to see my friends/family again.

 

Ughhhhh 

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[119] So Much Pressure
Listening to: Masterpiece - Jessie J
Feeling: annoyed

So the last month has made for a LOT of character building.

To recap:

My fiance and myself both lost our jobs in an inopportune time. You'd think this would be fine, given that we were staying with friends until we saved up enough money for our house...but no, that was not the case.

A few small things happened and my once best friend, is now my best friend no longer. She couldn't cope with the stress of living with more people and so instead of talking things out with us - decided she no longer wanted us to live there so I we got a truck and left immediately (only 20 days after living there...yeah) needless to say we're not friends any longer. Fuck her.

We tried to stay with Anthony's dad but his dad is an asshole who isn't supportive of our relationship and thus didn't want me staying there also. I guess he didn't want too much gay in one house.

So now we're at my grandmother's house currently...the house I grew up in which caused me a lot of mental damage - most of which I've worked through, but it still adds a bit of emotional anguish.

 

We're now forced to put a whole life of stuff in just a single room and deal with other misc. stressful things. The only good thing I can say is that we're still together.

We're both looking for something good so we can get out ASAP. I just hope my sanity lasts long enough. 

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Entry List
[133] Only One
[132] Lose It All
[131] Need a Scalpel
[130] Got Me Weak
[129] Worse Seem Better
[128] Make It Right
[127] Forget Where You Been
[126] Close Your Eyes
[125] Sing You A Lullaby
[124] Just An Outcast
[123] Been My Home
[122] Do You Have a Pulse?
[121] Any Moment
[120] Room For Me
[119] So Much Pressure
[117] Stuck in my Heart
[116] Too Far Gone
[115] Bruised and Battle...
[114] Will Fade
[113] Starts to Snow
[112] Kiss the Other Side
[111] Blindsided
[110] In My Corner
[109] Corner of My Mind
[108] Every Part
[107] For More
[106] Might Sound Absurd
[105] Let Yourself
[104] True Hero
[103] I Don't Mind
[102] What I Never Did
[101] Won't Call Back
[100] Let's Do It
[99] Fleeting Moment
[98] Like A Devil
[97] Misery Loves Me
[96] Ain't Slowing Down
[95] Tinted Window
[94] In The River
[93] Remind Me
[92] Broken Records
[91] Gave To Me
[90] Just One Thing
[89] Always Crazy
[88] Body Talk
[87] Explain Your Mind
[86] Poured It Down
[85] Shut Us Down
[84] Am I Crazy?
[83] Bored With It
[82] Damn Your Kiss
[81] Up A Notch
[80] Easy to See
[79] Rest Here
[78] Nursing Wounds
[77] Incredible Things
[76] Ready to Go
[75] Inside a Dream
[74] Shares My Fate
[73] The Trigger
[72] Never Trust a Fool
[71] Creatures of Habit
[70] Had It All
[69] Pass Me By
[68] Face in the Crowd
[67] The Throne
[66] The Needless Beating
[65] After Midnight
[64] Going There
[63] Hold Your Hand
[62] Party
[61] Every Heartbeat
[60] Overflowed
[59] Make A Sound
[58] Shine a Light
[57] It Ain't Easy
[56] Wanting More
[55] Lock the Door
[54] Daylight Fades
[53] Scattered Around
[52] Crumbled Photographs
[51] Night or Day
[50] Path of Least Resistance
[49] Find A Light
[48] Never Leave
[47] Fading Away
[46] Decimated Dreams
[45] My Limits
[44] Always So Heated
[43] Closing In
[42] All This Noise
[41] Pouring Out
[40] Long Gone
[39] Caught Up In Circles
[38] Bury My Ghost
[37] Just Temporarily
[36] All Of Me
[35] Rain Starts Pouring
[34] Rule and Control
[33] Slice of Heaven
[32] Push It Down
[31] In Love With A Ghost
[30] Stare Politely
[29] Overload
[28] Carry On
[27] Savior of the Broken
[26] Room Inside
[25] Whisper To Me
[24] Rise and Fall
[23] Physically Crafted
[22] Sky and Rain
[21] Slipping Away
[20] Lost And Forgotten
[19] Break The Bullet
[18] Bets and Betters
[17] Hide and Seek
[16] Mystery To Me
[15] Inside This Moment
[14] Shifting Sands
[13] A Necessary Evil
[12] Keeping On Track
[11] Mind Games
[10] Simple And Clean
[9] My Jagged Little Pill
[8] Think Lovely Thoughts
[7] Low Tide
[6] Ghosts In My Mind
[5] Small, Nagging, Voices
[4] Chill Day Is Chill
[3] Can I Even Keep Up?
[2] New Year, New Issues
[1] Two Hearts, One Body
[divide]
New Moon Rising
Poem (12) Bleed
(Standing In The Dark)
(Live To Tell)
(How Soon Is Now)
Song (22) Jesus Take The Wheel
Song (23) Emotionless
Song (24) Karma Chameleon
Redemption Song
Thriller
Song (21) All That I've Got.
Envy For The Solid Ground
Song (20) What I've Done
Sweet Little Lies
How Long Is Forever?
Poem To Kayla.
Facts of life.
Wow.. Bigger Gap..
Song (19) Whisper
Song (18) Run Away
Song (17) Pushing Away From...
Song (16) Crawling
Song (15) Super Xero
Song (14) Part Of Me
Poem (13) To worn...
Saw Amy Lee's video.
Song (13) Haunted
Song (12) Whisper
Song (11) Bring Me To Life
Broken More..
Barely Alive
Not For Anyones Eyes
Waiting For The SC.
Song (10) Santeria
Did you ever feel
Kayla's Birthday
Song (9) Forgive Me
Still Alone...
Song (8) 24 hours
Since You Been Gone
Alienated..
The Fight.
Song (7) I'm a Creep..
Thoughts
Poem (11) Numb..
Another year Living..
Drown Away My Sorrows
New Found Anger
Avoiding The Truth
Cast Away.
Song (6) Behind These Hazel...
Half Blood Prince
She's Torn 3 Ways.
Worried For All The Wrong...
Lost In Thought.
Song (5) Papercut (1)
Song (4) Numb
Song (3) I Don't Want To Be...
Song (2) Everybody's Fool
Song (1) Going Under
Long Time.
They hate me..
Poem (10) Ended.
Egypt..
Remember The Titanic.
I Was wrong.
Drained.
Haunted
Give Me Novicane..
Poem (9) Wishing you were...
Getting Colder.
Freezing Cold...
OMG!...
Meh..
No Pain No Gain.
I Don't Wanna Be Lonely No...
Eye Of The Tiger
I Wore A Lime Green Shirt O_O
Comming Home
Thoughtless
She's Back!!!
Dreaming About You And Me
Good Day
Betrayed.
Poem (8) Wisper To A Scream
SpellBound
Kayla Does'nt Belive Me.
Missed Half Of Marathon
Silenced
Broken
Tired
O_O A Questionaire!
Heart Of Stone
Poem (7) Time Is Up
Wishing And Hoping...
Poem (6) Fire
Suicidal
Covered In Shadows
Bitterness
I Feel Pretty.. O_O!!
Poem (5) Tear
Speak No Evil
See No Evil
Hear No Evil
Cool, Calm, Collected.
Poem (4) You're The One.
Okay For Now..
My Shadow
Poem (3) Black Magic
Mad And Tormented
Poem (2) I Wish
Prelude To The Storm
Feeling Better
Dark And Cold
Shrouded In Shadows
Poem (1) Fool In Love
Waiting Hopelessly
250 post(s)