[122] Do You Have a Pulse?
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Pulse
Feeling: sarcastic

I'm going to try and blog more...it helps me clear my mind and relax. There's something theraputic about typing what you think and seeing the words in front of you.

I don't know what to do with my life currently.

I need to come out with more books but my muse is being silent. Every time I go to write nothing comes out and it's just...blankness. I don't know why but it's distressing.

I've been hacking games like editing/changing things and making new scripts in an attempt to make a new version - which is fun and time consuming, but I can't spend hours on it like I used to. I just do it for 20-30 minute bursts...and then I do something else.

I've been watching Merlin and that takes my mind off of my issues, at least until the credits roll so I've begun to chain watch episodes which does help...but also wastes my day.

I can't get a job until July. I'm moving around too much and can't put any roots down until I have a more stable living situation.

Ugh.

The one thing I want to do - I want to open a bakery or work in a bakery. I love to cook - I love everything about it but I don't have credit, can't get business loans, etc. so that's not going to happen. I just hate how complicated life is sometimes.

The only thing that's keeping me going is that the game con I'm going to looms close and I'll see my friends again. I'm so glad we saved up all the money and payed everything off before shit went to hell. Oh, and Icon For Hire put out new music. That's helpful, too.

I miss my friends - especially Jordan and Ashe. I can't wait to see them. 

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[121] Any Moment
Listening to: Melanie Martinez - Bombs On Monday
Feeling: peaceful

So today marks the first day of change and turning my life into a positive direction.

I started a new diet today where I'm monitoring everything I eat and portioning correctly. If it goes well, I hope to lose 35lbs by the end of this year. I want to get fit and healthy.

 I'm also going to be writing more. It'll have been a year since my last release and that's not how it should be. I should be releasing novels yearly.

And exercise, too, btw on that getting fit/healthy front.

I just want to take steps in the right direction to be happy - to make myself happier.

On that note, I've also gone to the doctors to get a minor operation that I should have gotten when I was younger but never did - that's scheduled for August. And I'm also getting my anxiety meds back because I feel like I need them until the end of the year, anyway.

Wish me luck. 

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[120] Room For Me
Listening to: B*Witched - C'est la vie
Feeling: flustered

Things are a bit brighter but not much.

Grandmother is reverting back to her old self...and it barely took a week. I have to be strong because we're stuck here for a few months. I can be strong. I survived 17 years of this I can endure 3 months. Ugh.

On a lighter note I have Internet back so I can play WoW again.

I'm excited about the recent con I have coming up (I already paid for it before the whole house losing thing so shh) it'll be nice to see my friends/family again.

 

Ughhhhh 

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[119] So Much Pressure
Listening to: Masterpiece - Jessie J
Feeling: annoyed

So the last month has made for a LOT of character building.

To recap:

My fiance and myself both lost our jobs in an inopportune time. You'd think this would be fine, given that we were staying with friends until we saved up enough money for our house...but no, that was not the case.

A few small things happened and my once best friend, is now my best friend no longer. She couldn't cope with the stress of living with more people and so instead of talking things out with us - decided she no longer wanted us to live there so I we got a truck and left immediately (only 20 days after living there...yeah) needless to say we're not friends any longer. Fuck her.

We tried to stay with Anthony's dad but his dad is an asshole who isn't supportive of our relationship and thus didn't want me staying there also. I guess he didn't want too much gay in one house.

So now we're at my grandmother's house currently...the house I grew up in which caused me a lot of mental damage - most of which I've worked through, but it still adds a bit of emotional anguish.

 

We're now forced to put a whole life of stuff in just a single room and deal with other misc. stressful things. The only good thing I can say is that we're still together.

We're both looking for something good so we can get out ASAP. I just hope my sanity lasts long enough. 

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[117] Stuck in my Heart
Listening to: Carly Rae Jepsen - Run Away With Me
Feeling: blank

Hey readers/my future self -

I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. Life has been hectic and unkind, which isn't an excuse, I know...but still. Shit happens.

 So spring break was awesome/kinda. I had my friends Scott, Ashe, Tru, and Kyle over. I don't get to see them very much and it was pretty nice to have an entire week with them. However...(and I should have thought of this beforehand) they didn't have spring break the same days so I ended up having guests over my house for three solid weeks straight.

Yeah...no me gusta.

It was fine for the first two weeks but by the third week my anxiety was kicking in and I just wanted my house free of people and empty.

Speaking of empty houses...I'm moving! Anthony and I are going to be purchasing our own actual house (read: NOT an apartment) so we're going to be staying with friends for a few months while we look. And I realize this contridicts my above statement about wanting to be alone but my friends I'm going to stay with are NOT intrusive and we're getting what amounts to a whole daughter home to ourselves...so it shouldn't be a problem.

On good notes - we booked the tickets/hotels for both of the cons we're going to this year. So that's amazing. And we got back into WoW...so there goes all my free time.

I need a life. 

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[116] Too Far Gone
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Supposed To Be
Feeling: happy

Spring Break officially started a few days ago.

And guess what? Today one of my best friends in the entire world Ashe is coming to visit. FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK! AHHH.

:D

 

Total happiness time. ^.^ 

AHH AND SHE WALKED IN! 

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[115] Bruised and Battle Scarred
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Here We Are
Feeling: aggravated

I don't know why I still care.

I truly don't. 

 

But I need to stop. It's irrelevant now.

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[114] Will Fade
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Fix Me
Feeling: bored

Yeah, another long time between updates. Hell, at this rate I'll be happy if I manage to do an update once a month...sorry. :P

So I've been working three/four days at the job with slightly extended hours. I've been making more money than I've ever made in my life just working those minimal hours so I can't complain (too much)

The only thing that really bothers me about the place is that the clients are really annoying - like seriously annoying. Some are rude, some overstep boundaries, and others are just so damn ignorant I wonder how they can function properly.

Aside from that, everything is fine on that front.

---

My Xena collection has been progressing really nicely - oh I didn't mention that, but yeah, I've started a Xena Warrior Princess memorabilia collection last month! I have almost over 70 items. So yeah. The new job money is helping with that...it's nice to have extra! Finally.

I have a bunch of friends from online coming to visit me in a few days...so the next two days will be spent scrambling and getting ready. The OCD/Anxietic in me needs everything to be absolutely perfect before they come here. I don't want them thinking poorly of me or anything...though I know deep down they won't because they care about me a lot.

That's new. Friends who actually care.

Oh, and my aunt had the baby! He's so adorable and so tiny. She took pictures of me and him today when I went over there for a haircut. I didn't initially like the way she cut it (I told her whatever) but I'm feeling it now. It's sort of a psuedo faux hawk type of thing. Whatever that means. :P

The only other thing I can say is that I'm really pushing to get my GED/Diploma soon. I want to go to college in the fall and I'm pressed for time. 

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[113] Starts to Snow
Listening to: Passenger - Let Her Go

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life hasn't been too kind!

I've been working a lot more at my job and they're trying to extend my hours...which I'm on the fence about. On the one hand, more money is awesome but on the other, I like sleep and free time. It's a hard decision. Anthony's job situation isn't going too well so I may need to take on more hours if he doesn't find something else soon...i donno.

My aunt's baby shower was last weekend. It was pretty awesome aside from some family drama from her daughter's friend - tl;dr: accusing a guy of rape because he flirted with you is stupid and bad, m'kay?

I'm so excited for my new cousin to be born already. I can't wait to babysit, play with him, feed him, ahhhhh! all of it. I love babies. They're so cute and I just love being around them. They make me so happy.

My first paycheck was pretty nice. Plus our yearly money came in so I'm spending tonight browsing Amazon to buy new shiny things. Yeah, first world problems blah. 

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[112] Kiss the Other Side
Listening to: Lady Gaga - Edge of Glory

It's Valentine's Day!

YAAAAAY

So today was amazing. Anthony and I slept in and just cuddled all morning. When it was finally time to get up we both showered, shaved, and got dressed and he took me to my favorite place to eat...Red Lobster!

We had to wait 50 minutes because we forgot to make a reservation but it was worth it. I got like... a gigantic pina colada (and got kinda tipsy!) and then we spent like 80 dollars on food. But again, so worth it.

After that, we went to Petsmart because he wanted to buy me something small and I decided to buy something for the dog - we got a little traveling kennel and some treats for her. She has the cage when we're busy but like I read that she would be calmer/less anxietic if she was in a kennel type thing next to my desk. As of now she's been in it for 30 minutes and has just been sleeping - she seems to enjoy being close to me. It's only temporary until she stops pottying in the house.

We watched a movie together on the couch - DBZ Rez F. and ate chocolates/left over Red Lobster (we did get a lot) The rest of the night we're just chilling and talking with friends.

Such an amazing day. <3 

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[111] Blindsided
Listening to: Hellyeah - Moth

Ugh.

Time for my weekly update.

Work has been rewarding but tiring. I'm learning so much but I'm so tired on work days. My days off are pure heaven. The dog has been difficult to train and I'm trying to get a balance on it - she's a smart dog just really spiteful and stubborn. So I have to channel her energy better, or at least find the time to do it.

I had a friend over for some drinks last week. It was fun and all but he kind of really upset me. We have a very lewd kind of dynamic where he'll be making sexual jokes and I'll make them back, etc. He's straight, I'm gay. When he came over here and I joked with him (while we were drinking) he made a comment about him "not wanting anything" and I'm like...huh? And he thought I was propositioning him....da fuck.

And then later on in the night he made a comment of how "he isn't gay" and he doesn't want anything stupid to happen. Well then don't let anything stupid happen? Drinking doesn't make you suddenly change sexualities or like...do something you wouldn't normally. So I got pissed off. And now dealing with that whole bullshit.

I'm probably going to spend the rest of the week dealing with that drama. I also have to help plan a baby shower for the 20th - my little cousin is coming into the world. Yay! 

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[110] In My Corner
Listening to: OMI - Cheerleader

Things have been pretty okay.

The new puppy has been keeping me exhausted. Like she needs so much attention, which is good, but like I can definitely tell that this is my first dog. Training her is so hard. It's hard not to get frustrated.

I started my new schedule at my job. I have the potential to bring almost 1.5k home a month doing part time work, not even every day/ not even insane hours. As mean as it sounds, I'm really glad they let the other girl go because she wasn't pulling her weight and her loss is my gain.

So I have to go to work Tuesday, Weds, Thursday, Friday. Not that bad. Maybe just Tuesday, Weds, Friday. It depends on their need. But like...you can't beat the pay/hours.

Lastly I've been streaming a lot more and talking to my friends a lot more. I'm having some people come over this weekend. Should be pretty fun. ^.^

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[109] Corner of My Mind
Listening to: Mary Mary - Shackles

I haven't blogged in a while and I know that I went against my proclaimation a few months ago to blog every day...but in my defense a shit ton has happened and I haven't had the time!

So there was a huge blizzard last weekend which as a result our roommate was forced to stay with us which I'm getting pissed at because we spent OUR hard-earned money on food and he's been eating it. The fucker even drank an entire bottle of MY juice. Like I don't have very many things sacred to me. But my JUICE is one of them.

 

And then on Tuesday I got myself a puppy! :D :D :D : D :D squeee. Her name is Ruby and she's half lab, half German Shep. She's so adorable and I love her to pieces. I'd love her even more if she knew how to use the bathroom outside like a normal dog. Training isn't going to be easy -_-

 

The concert I was going to was also cancelled so as a result it's being rescheduled for a later date. I told the band that I want to help them out in any way possible because they're like my favorite male band of all time. They seem very grateful.

otherwise I've been well just uber exhausted because of all the projects I've been working on. Here's hoping they bear fruit. 

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[108] Every Part
Listening to: David Lambert - Outlaws

Today was a big ball of annoying.

Anthony went to school and I did my thing. Unfortunately when he was on the way home from school he got pulled over by a douchebag cop for a stupid reason and got a 54 dollar ticket. In addition, someone on Amazon who bought something from our online store had an issue with the item and decided they wanted their money back when we clearly labelled it! So that's 105 dollars we're out. Lovely.

Our roommate is finally leaving this Friday...weather permitting. Speaking of weather, the concert I was going to was canceled because of the weather so now I'm terrified our roommate won't be able to leave and be forced to stay with us for another week or two. I sincerely hope not.

Plus I'm hella stressed because I'm taking too long on these book edits and the deadline is looming so close.

-_- life stop being frustrating. 

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[107] For More
Listening to: DJ Sammy - We're In Heaven

Ugh today was stressful.

So I had to wake up early to go to a meeting with someone my mother works with to see if I could finish my education. Because of bullying and bullshit I never actually got my HS diploma and I kind of need that to attend college...which I want to do so yeah need that done.

The lady found that I do have some credits (40ish?) so she's going to see what she can do for me. I'm hopeful.

We got home and got some lunch and watched the Fosters. Anthony went to work and then I just chilled online with friends.

Later Anthony came home and I made dinner (Mongolian Beef with Rice) and we watched the Fosters again. Midway I stopped and talked to some friends again because of drama going on.

-_-

The rest of the night I'm going to chill and just talk to Scott + Anthony and that should be really good ^.^ 

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Entry List
[137] Just Wasn't Stable
[136] Break Down
[135] Real Me, Inside
[134] All Things Pass
[133] Only One
[132] Lose It All
[131] Need a Scalpel
[130] Got Me Weak
[129] Worse Seem Better
[128] Make It Right
[127] Forget Where You Been
[126] Close Your Eyes
[125] Sing You A Lullaby
[124] Just An Outcast
[123] Been My Home
[122] Do You Have a Pulse?
[121] Any Moment
[120] Room For Me
[119] So Much Pressure
[117] Stuck in my Heart
[116] Too Far Gone
[115] Bruised and Battle...
[114] Will Fade
[113] Starts to Snow
[112] Kiss the Other Side
[111] Blindsided
[110] In My Corner
[109] Corner of My Mind
[108] Every Part
[107] For More
[106] Might Sound Absurd
[105] Let Yourself
[104] True Hero
[103] I Don't Mind
[102] What I Never Did
[101] Won't Call Back
[100] Let's Do It
[99] Fleeting Moment
[98] Like A Devil
[97] Misery Loves Me
[96] Ain't Slowing Down
[95] Tinted Window
[94] In The River
[93] Remind Me
[92] Broken Records
[91] Gave To Me
[90] Just One Thing
[89] Always Crazy
[88] Body Talk
[87] Explain Your Mind
[86] Poured It Down
[85] Shut Us Down
[84] Am I Crazy?
[83] Bored With It
[82] Damn Your Kiss
[81] Up A Notch
[80] Easy to See
[79] Rest Here
[78] Nursing Wounds
[77] Incredible Things
[76] Ready to Go
[75] Inside a Dream
[74] Shares My Fate
[73] The Trigger
[72] Never Trust a Fool
[71] Creatures of Habit
[70] Had It All
[69] Pass Me By
[68] Face in the Crowd
[67] The Throne
[66] The Needless Beating
[65] After Midnight
[64] Going There
[63] Hold Your Hand
[62] Party
[61] Every Heartbeat
[60] Overflowed
[59] Make A Sound
[58] Shine a Light
[57] It Ain't Easy
[56] Wanting More
[55] Lock the Door
[54] Daylight Fades
[53] Scattered Around
[52] Crumbled Photographs
[51] Night or Day
[50] Path of Least Resistance
[49] Find A Light
[48] Never Leave
[47] Fading Away
[46] Decimated Dreams
[45] My Limits
[44] Always So Heated
[43] Closing In
[42] All This Noise
[41] Pouring Out
[40] Long Gone
[39] Caught Up In Circles
[38] Bury My Ghost
[37] Just Temporarily
[36] All Of Me
[35] Rain Starts Pouring
[34] Rule and Control
[33] Slice of Heaven
[32] Push It Down
[31] In Love With A Ghost
[30] Stare Politely
[29] Overload
[28] Carry On
[27] Savior of the Broken
[26] Room Inside
[25] Whisper To Me
[24] Rise and Fall
[23] Physically Crafted
[22] Sky and Rain
[21] Slipping Away
[20] Lost And Forgotten
[19] Break The Bullet
[18] Bets and Betters
[17] Hide and Seek
[16] Mystery To Me
[15] Inside This Moment
[14] Shifting Sands
[13] A Necessary Evil
[12] Keeping On Track
[11] Mind Games
[10] Simple And Clean
[9] My Jagged Little Pill
[8] Think Lovely Thoughts
[7] Low Tide
[6] Ghosts In My Mind
[5] Small, Nagging, Voices
[4] Chill Day Is Chill
[3] Can I Even Keep Up?
[2] New Year, New Issues
[1] Two Hearts, One Body
[divide]
New Moon Rising
Poem (12) Bleed
(Standing In The Dark)
(Live To Tell)
(How Soon Is Now)
Song (24) Karma Chameleon
Song (22) Jesus Take The Wheel
Song (23) Emotionless
Redemption Song
Thriller
Song (21) All That I've Got.
Envy For The Solid Ground
Song (20) What I've Done
Sweet Little Lies
How Long Is Forever?
Poem To Kayla.
Facts of life.
Wow.. Bigger Gap..
Song (19) Whisper
Song (18) Run Away
Song (17) Pushing Away From...
Song (16) Crawling
Song (15) Super Xero
Song (14) Part Of Me
Poem (13) To worn...
Saw Amy Lee's video.
Song (13) Haunted
Song (12) Whisper
Song (11) Bring Me To Life
Broken More..
Barely Alive
Not For Anyones Eyes
Waiting For The SC.
Song (10) Santeria
Did you ever feel
Kayla's Birthday
Song (9) Forgive Me
Still Alone...
Song (8) 24 hours
Since You Been Gone
Alienated..
The Fight.
Song (7) I'm a Creep..
Thoughts
Poem (11) Numb..
Another year Living..
Drown Away My Sorrows
New Found Anger
Avoiding The Truth
Cast Away.
Song (6) Behind These Hazel...
Half Blood Prince
She's Torn 3 Ways.
Worried For All The Wrong...
Lost In Thought.
Song (5) Papercut (1)
Song (4) Numb
Song (3) I Don't Want To Be...
Song (2) Everybody's Fool
Song (1) Going Under
Long Time.
Poem (10) Ended.
They hate me..
Egypt..
Remember The Titanic.
I Was wrong.
Drained.
Haunted
Give Me Novicane..
Getting Colder.
Poem (9) Wishing you were...
Freezing Cold...
OMG!...
Meh..
No Pain No Gain.
I Don't Wanna Be Lonely No...
Eye Of The Tiger
I Wore A Lime Green Shirt O_O
Comming Home
Thoughtless
She's Back!!!
Dreaming About You And Me
Good Day
Betrayed.
Poem (8) Wisper To A Scream
SpellBound
Kayla Does'nt Belive Me.
Missed Half Of Marathon
Silenced
Broken
Tired
O_O A Questionaire!
Heart Of Stone
Poem (7) Time Is Up
Wishing And Hoping...
Poem (6) Fire
Suicidal
Covered In Shadows
Bitterness
I Feel Pretty.. O_O!!
Poem (5) Tear
Speak No Evil
See No Evil
Hear No Evil
Cool, Calm, Collected.
Poem (4) You're The One.
Okay For Now..
My Shadow
Poem (3) Black Magic
Mad And Tormented
Poem (2) I Wish
Prelude To The Storm
Feeling Better
Dark And Cold
Shrouded In Shadows
Poem (1) Fool In Love
Waiting Hopelessly
254 post(s)