[125] Sing You A Lullaby
Listening to: Melanie Martinez - Milk and Cookies
Feeling: depressed

Things are looking up, I believe.

For one, the kid my brother stabbed is doing fine so that's good. There's still a court date so that'll be something to see if he gets off and I hope they take it easy on him. He's saying it was in self-defense so we'll see.

I move into my new apartment tomorrow. God, it's beautiful. I'm really excited. And once I'm there I can begin working towards my new passion of opening a bakery. I'll be baking my heart out and showing the world what I can do. I just hope people are receptive.


I'm still depressed because money is an issue. I'm not pulling in money like I used to because I haven't written a novel in over a year at this point, my short stories have been declining, and I don't have the law office job that I used to. I'm starting something temporary which could make me about 100 dollars a night so that'll be nice.


I'm feeling disillusioned from some of my friends. I don't know if it's the situation I've been in or just...general fatigue but it's harder and harder for me to not be mad at them. Like I can normally brush it off but it's getting difficult to not go off - and I need to remember not to do that.

 Time seems to move so quickly. I hate it. I wish it would slow down so I can catch up with everything but I know that's not what it does. I just need to be able to breathe.


I can't believe it's almost been a year since I started writing in this diary full time. I've managed 125 entries and it's not been a year yet. That's 1/3 - which is way better than my old track record. So I'm proud of myself. I wanted to do somewhat constant updates and record my thoughts and I've managed for the most part. Maybe next year I could manage to do 2-3 a week and aim for 200. We'll see.

A character from one of the new shows I discovered has a favorite saying and I think it's time to embrace that. Essentially; if you look hard enough at any situation you can see good and you can see bad. Some people choose to only see the bad. But you can also choose to see the good.

I'm going to choose to start seeing the good more than the bad.

In less than 24 hours I will have made about 100 dollars, I'll be in my own house, and I'll be one step closer to my destiny.

Not too shabby at all.

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[124] Just An Outcast
Listening to: Disney Soundtrack - God Help The Outcasts
Feeling: helpless

I don't know if You can hear me

Or if You're even there

I don't know if You will listen

To a humble prayer

They tell me I am just an outcast

I shouldn't speak to You

Still, I see your face and wonder

Were You once an outcast, too?



Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I know my last entry left things on a cliffhanger.

Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others.

 I went to a con with friends. It's the one I go to every summer and it definitely helped me raise my morale and perspective on things as only friends can do. It was also the first drama free one in a long time...which was good. Sure there were small incidents but they were just that - small.

My cousin isn't moving in. Her mother put an end to that crap.

Oh, we got back and we found a place to move into that's reasonable and not bad! So yeah, we're leaving at the end of this month which makes me very happy.

Today I got some scary news. My brother stabbed someone. Yup, you read that correctly. He stabbed someone and my mother was at the police station with him.

I'm nervous. I hope he didn't do it. There's a chance he didn't and is just covering for someone. He's that type of person he'd rather go down than betray a friend...he's very troubled and has been going through things the last year or so. I don't know if he knows how bad our mother's heart is or how much strain he's putting on her.

I'm worried for his future and I'm worried for hers.

One of the good things of my mother having me so young is that she's supposed to be in my life a long time. I don't want that to be cut short because of stress. But on the other hand she could have been more on top of things with him. Damn it.

I think no matter what the outcome today, lives will be ruined. As it stands the boy/victim is in the hospital and they don't know how he's doing / if he'll survive.

If you pray, please pray for my family.

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[123] Been My Home
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Supposed to Be
Feeling: violated





I'm so angry right now.

My grandmother, after promising to NOT move my cousin in here, agreed to let her move in.


I don't want to deal with this bullshit and I do not need the stress. I'm tired of everyone giving in and letting her make a mess of her life and always being there to catch her when she falls - thus NEVER letting her learn her lesson.



I don't understand.

I don't understand how she received all of the tools needed for life on a silver plattered, squandered them, and everyone just acts like it's no big deal and treats her like a damn victim.


I can't live with her. I did it once and itwasn't a good situation. I do not want to deal with her and become a built in babysitter / endure her abusing her child. I can't handle this bullshit anymore.


Now I have to move AGAIN in less than two months because everyone in my family is so damn unreliable.


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[122] Do You Have a Pulse?
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Pulse
Feeling: sarcastic

I'm going to try and blog more...it helps me clear my mind and relax. There's something theraputic about typing what you think and seeing the words in front of you.

I don't know what to do with my life currently.

I need to come out with more books but my muse is being silent. Every time I go to write nothing comes out and it's just...blankness. I don't know why but it's distressing.

I've been hacking games like editing/changing things and making new scripts in an attempt to make a new version - which is fun and time consuming, but I can't spend hours on it like I used to. I just do it for 20-30 minute bursts...and then I do something else.

I've been watching Merlin and that takes my mind off of my issues, at least until the credits roll so I've begun to chain watch episodes which does help...but also wastes my day.

I can't get a job until July. I'm moving around too much and can't put any roots down until I have a more stable living situation.


The one thing I want to do - I want to open a bakery or work in a bakery. I love to cook - I love everything about it but I don't have credit, can't get business loans, etc. so that's not going to happen. I just hate how complicated life is sometimes.

The only thing that's keeping me going is that the game con I'm going to looms close and I'll see my friends again. I'm so glad we saved up all the money and payed everything off before shit went to hell. Oh, and Icon For Hire put out new music. That's helpful, too.

I miss my friends - especially Jordan and Ashe. I can't wait to see them. 

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[121] Any Moment
Listening to: Melanie Martinez - Bombs On Monday
Feeling: peaceful

So today marks the first day of change and turning my life into a positive direction.

I started a new diet today where I'm monitoring everything I eat and portioning correctly. If it goes well, I hope to lose 35lbs by the end of this year. I want to get fit and healthy.

 I'm also going to be writing more. It'll have been a year since my last release and that's not how it should be. I should be releasing novels yearly.

And exercise, too, btw on that getting fit/healthy front.

I just want to take steps in the right direction to be happy - to make myself happier.

On that note, I've also gone to the doctors to get a minor operation that I should have gotten when I was younger but never did - that's scheduled for August. And I'm also getting my anxiety meds back because I feel like I need them until the end of the year, anyway.

Wish me luck. 

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[120] Room For Me
Listening to: B*Witched - C'est la vie
Feeling: flustered

Things are a bit brighter but not much.

Grandmother is reverting back to her old self...and it barely took a week. I have to be strong because we're stuck here for a few months. I can be strong. I survived 17 years of this I can endure 3 months. Ugh.

On a lighter note I have Internet back so I can play WoW again.

I'm excited about the recent con I have coming up (I already paid for it before the whole house losing thing so shh) it'll be nice to see my friends/family again.



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[119] So Much Pressure
Listening to: Masterpiece - Jessie J
Feeling: annoyed

So the last month has made for a LOT of character building.

To recap:

My fiance and myself both lost our jobs in an inopportune time. You'd think this would be fine, given that we were staying with friends until we saved up enough money for our house...but no, that was not the case.

A few small things happened and my once best friend, is now my best friend no longer. She couldn't cope with the stress of living with more people and so instead of talking things out with us - decided she no longer wanted us to live there so I we got a truck and left immediately (only 20 days after living there...yeah) needless to say we're not friends any longer. Fuck her.

We tried to stay with Anthony's dad but his dad is an asshole who isn't supportive of our relationship and thus didn't want me staying there also. I guess he didn't want too much gay in one house.

So now we're at my grandmother's house currently...the house I grew up in which caused me a lot of mental damage - most of which I've worked through, but it still adds a bit of emotional anguish.


We're now forced to put a whole life of stuff in just a single room and deal with other misc. stressful things. The only good thing I can say is that we're still together.

We're both looking for something good so we can get out ASAP. I just hope my sanity lasts long enough. 

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[117] Stuck in my Heart
Listening to: Carly Rae Jepsen - Run Away With Me
Feeling: blank

Hey readers/my future self -

I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. Life has been hectic and unkind, which isn't an excuse, I know...but still. Shit happens.

 So spring break was awesome/kinda. I had my friends Scott, Ashe, Tru, and Kyle over. I don't get to see them very much and it was pretty nice to have an entire week with them. However...(and I should have thought of this beforehand) they didn't have spring break the same days so I ended up having guests over my house for three solid weeks straight.

Yeah...no me gusta.

It was fine for the first two weeks but by the third week my anxiety was kicking in and I just wanted my house free of people and empty.

Speaking of empty houses...I'm moving! Anthony and I are going to be purchasing our own actual house (read: NOT an apartment) so we're going to be staying with friends for a few months while we look. And I realize this contridicts my above statement about wanting to be alone but my friends I'm going to stay with are NOT intrusive and we're getting what amounts to a whole daughter home to ourselves...so it shouldn't be a problem.

On good notes - we booked the tickets/hotels for both of the cons we're going to this year. So that's amazing. And we got back into WoW...so there goes all my free time.

I need a life. 

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[116] Too Far Gone
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Supposed To Be
Feeling: happy

Spring Break officially started a few days ago.

And guess what? Today one of my best friends in the entire world Ashe is coming to visit. FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK! AHHH.



Total happiness time. ^.^ 


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[115] Bruised and Battle Scarred
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Here We Are
Feeling: aggravated

I don't know why I still care.

I truly don't. 


But I need to stop. It's irrelevant now.

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[114] Will Fade
Listening to: Icon For Hire - Fix Me
Feeling: bored

Yeah, another long time between updates. Hell, at this rate I'll be happy if I manage to do an update once a month...sorry. :P

So I've been working three/four days at the job with slightly extended hours. I've been making more money than I've ever made in my life just working those minimal hours so I can't complain (too much)

The only thing that really bothers me about the place is that the clients are really annoying - like seriously annoying. Some are rude, some overstep boundaries, and others are just so damn ignorant I wonder how they can function properly.

Aside from that, everything is fine on that front.


My Xena collection has been progressing really nicely - oh I didn't mention that, but yeah, I've started a Xena Warrior Princess memorabilia collection last month! I have almost over 70 items. So yeah. The new job money is helping with that...it's nice to have extra! Finally.

I have a bunch of friends from online coming to visit me in a few days...so the next two days will be spent scrambling and getting ready. The OCD/Anxietic in me needs everything to be absolutely perfect before they come here. I don't want them thinking poorly of me or anything...though I know deep down they won't because they care about me a lot.

That's new. Friends who actually care.

Oh, and my aunt had the baby! He's so adorable and so tiny. She took pictures of me and him today when I went over there for a haircut. I didn't initially like the way she cut it (I told her whatever) but I'm feeling it now. It's sort of a psuedo faux hawk type of thing. Whatever that means. :P

The only other thing I can say is that I'm really pushing to get my GED/Diploma soon. I want to go to college in the fall and I'm pressed for time. 

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[113] Starts to Snow
Listening to: Passenger - Let Her Go

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life hasn't been too kind!

I've been working a lot more at my job and they're trying to extend my hours...which I'm on the fence about. On the one hand, more money is awesome but on the other, I like sleep and free time. It's a hard decision. Anthony's job situation isn't going too well so I may need to take on more hours if he doesn't find something else soon...i donno.

My aunt's baby shower was last weekend. It was pretty awesome aside from some family drama from her daughter's friend - tl;dr: accusing a guy of rape because he flirted with you is stupid and bad, m'kay?

I'm so excited for my new cousin to be born already. I can't wait to babysit, play with him, feed him, ahhhhh! all of it. I love babies. They're so cute and I just love being around them. They make me so happy.

My first paycheck was pretty nice. Plus our yearly money came in so I'm spending tonight browsing Amazon to buy new shiny things. Yeah, first world problems blah. 

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[112] Kiss the Other Side
Listening to: Lady Gaga - Edge of Glory

It's Valentine's Day!


So today was amazing. Anthony and I slept in and just cuddled all morning. When it was finally time to get up we both showered, shaved, and got dressed and he took me to my favorite place to eat...Red Lobster!

We had to wait 50 minutes because we forgot to make a reservation but it was worth it. I got like... a gigantic pina colada (and got kinda tipsy!) and then we spent like 80 dollars on food. But again, so worth it.

After that, we went to Petsmart because he wanted to buy me something small and I decided to buy something for the dog - we got a little traveling kennel and some treats for her. She has the cage when we're busy but like I read that she would be calmer/less anxietic if she was in a kennel type thing next to my desk. As of now she's been in it for 30 minutes and has just been sleeping - she seems to enjoy being close to me. It's only temporary until she stops pottying in the house.

We watched a movie together on the couch - DBZ Rez F. and ate chocolates/left over Red Lobster (we did get a lot) The rest of the night we're just chilling and talking with friends.

Such an amazing day. <3 

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[111] Blindsided
Listening to: Hellyeah - Moth


Time for my weekly update.

Work has been rewarding but tiring. I'm learning so much but I'm so tired on work days. My days off are pure heaven. The dog has been difficult to train and I'm trying to get a balance on it - she's a smart dog just really spiteful and stubborn. So I have to channel her energy better, or at least find the time to do it.

I had a friend over for some drinks last week. It was fun and all but he kind of really upset me. We have a very lewd kind of dynamic where he'll be making sexual jokes and I'll make them back, etc. He's straight, I'm gay. When he came over here and I joked with him (while we were drinking) he made a comment about him "not wanting anything" and I'm like...huh? And he thought I was propositioning him....da fuck.

And then later on in the night he made a comment of how "he isn't gay" and he doesn't want anything stupid to happen. Well then don't let anything stupid happen? Drinking doesn't make you suddenly change sexualities or like...do something you wouldn't normally. So I got pissed off. And now dealing with that whole bullshit.

I'm probably going to spend the rest of the week dealing with that drama. I also have to help plan a baby shower for the 20th - my little cousin is coming into the world. Yay! 

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[110] In My Corner
Listening to: OMI - Cheerleader

Things have been pretty okay.

The new puppy has been keeping me exhausted. Like she needs so much attention, which is good, but like I can definitely tell that this is my first dog. Training her is so hard. It's hard not to get frustrated.

I started my new schedule at my job. I have the potential to bring almost 1.5k home a month doing part time work, not even every day/ not even insane hours. As mean as it sounds, I'm really glad they let the other girl go because she wasn't pulling her weight and her loss is my gain.

So I have to go to work Tuesday, Weds, Thursday, Friday. Not that bad. Maybe just Tuesday, Weds, Friday. It depends on their need. But like...you can't beat the pay/hours.

Lastly I've been streaming a lot more and talking to my friends a lot more. I'm having some people come over this weekend. Should be pretty fun. ^.^

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Entry List
[140] Hello, It's Me
[139] Shadows Still Remain
[138] Let Our Hearts Bleed
[137] Just Wasn't Stable
[136] Break Down
[135] Real Me, Inside
[134] All Things Pass
[133] Only One
[132] Lose It All
[131] Need a Scalpel
[130] Got Me Weak
[129] Worse Seem Better
[128] Make It Right
[127] Forget Where You Been
[126] Close Your Eyes
[125] Sing You A Lullaby
[124] Just An Outcast
[123] Been My Home
[122] Do You Have a Pulse?
[121] Any Moment
[120] Room For Me
[119] So Much Pressure
[117] Stuck in my Heart
[116] Too Far Gone
[115] Bruised and Battle...
[114] Will Fade
[113] Starts to Snow
[112] Kiss the Other Side
[111] Blindsided
[110] In My Corner
[109] Corner of My Mind
[108] Every Part
[107] For More
[106] Might Sound Absurd
[105] Let Yourself
[104] True Hero
[103] I Don't Mind
[102] What I Never Did
[101] Won't Call Back
[100] Let's Do It
[99] Fleeting Moment
[98] Like A Devil
[97] Misery Loves Me
[96] Ain't Slowing Down
[95] Tinted Window
[94] In The River
[93] Remind Me
[92] Broken Records
[91] Gave To Me
[90] Just One Thing
[89] Always Crazy
[88] Body Talk
[87] Explain Your Mind
[86] Poured It Down
[85] Shut Us Down
[84] Am I Crazy?
[83] Bored With It
[82] Damn Your Kiss
[81] Up A Notch
[80] Easy to See
[79] Rest Here
[78] Nursing Wounds
[77] Incredible Things
[76] Ready to Go
[75] Inside a Dream
[74] Shares My Fate
[73] The Trigger
[72] Never Trust a Fool
[71] Creatures of Habit
[70] Had It All
[69] Pass Me By
[68] Face in the Crowd
[67] The Throne
[66] The Needless Beating
[65] After Midnight
[64] Going There
[63] Hold Your Hand
[62] Party
[61] Every Heartbeat
[60] Overflowed
[59] Make A Sound
[58] Shine a Light
[57] It Ain't Easy
[56] Wanting More
[55] Lock the Door
[54] Daylight Fades
[53] Scattered Around
[52] Crumbled Photographs
[51] Night or Day
[50] Path of Least Resistance
[49] Find A Light
[48] Never Leave
[47] Fading Away
[46] Decimated Dreams
[45] My Limits
[44] Always So Heated
[43] Closing In
[42] All This Noise
[41] Pouring Out
[40] Long Gone
[39] Caught Up In Circles
[38] Bury My Ghost
[37] Just Temporarily
[36] All Of Me
[35] Rain Starts Pouring
[34] Rule and Control
[33] Slice of Heaven
[32] Push It Down
[31] In Love With A Ghost
[30] Stare Politely
[29] Overload
[28] Carry On
[27] Savior of the Broken
[26] Room Inside
[25] Whisper To Me
[24] Rise and Fall
[23] Physically Crafted
[22] Sky and Rain
[21] Slipping Away
[20] Lost And Forgotten
[19] Break The Bullet
[18] Bets and Betters
[17] Hide and Seek
[16] Mystery To Me
[15] Inside This Moment
[14] Shifting Sands
[13] A Necessary Evil
[12] Keeping On Track
[11] Mind Games
[10] Simple And Clean
[9] My Jagged Little Pill
[8] Think Lovely Thoughts
[7] Low Tide
[6] Ghosts In My Mind
[5] Small, Nagging, Voices
[4] Chill Day Is Chill
[3] Can I Even Keep Up?
[2] New Year, New Issues
[1] Two Hearts, One Body
New Moon Rising
Poem (12) Bleed
(Standing In The Dark)
(Live To Tell)
(How Soon Is Now)
Song (23) Emotionless
Song (24) Karma Chameleon
Song (22) Jesus Take The Wheel
Redemption Song
Envy For The Solid Ground
Song (21) All That I've Got.
Song (20) What I've Done
Sweet Little Lies
How Long Is Forever?
Facts of life.
Poem To Kayla.
Wow.. Bigger Gap..
Song (19) Whisper
Song (18) Run Away
Song (17) Pushing Away From...
Song (16) Crawling
Song (15) Super Xero
Song (14) Part Of Me
Poem (13) To worn...
Saw Amy Lee's video.
Song (13) Haunted
Song (12) Whisper
Song (11) Bring Me To Life
Broken More..
Barely Alive
Not For Anyones Eyes
Waiting For The SC.
Song (10) Santeria
Did you ever feel
Kayla's Birthday
Song (9) Forgive Me
Still Alone...
Song (8) 24 hours
Since You Been Gone
The Fight.
Song (7) I'm a Creep..
Poem (11) Numb..
Another year Living..
Drown Away My Sorrows
New Found Anger
Avoiding The Truth
Cast Away.
Song (6) Behind These Hazel...
Half Blood Prince
She's Torn 3 Ways.
Worried For All The Wrong...
Lost In Thought.
Song (5) Papercut (1)
Song (4) Numb
Song (3) I Don't Want To Be...
Song (2) Everybody's Fool
Song (1) Going Under
Long Time.
Poem (10) Ended.
They hate me..
Remember The Titanic.
I Was wrong.
Give Me Novicane..
Poem (9) Wishing you were...
Getting Colder.
Freezing Cold...
No Pain No Gain.
I Don't Wanna Be Lonely No...
Eye Of The Tiger
I Wore A Lime Green Shirt O_O
Comming Home
She's Back!!!
Dreaming About You And Me
Good Day
Poem (8) Wisper To A Scream
Kayla Does'nt Belive Me.
Missed Half Of Marathon
O_O A Questionaire!
Heart Of Stone
Poem (7) Time Is Up
Wishing And Hoping...
Poem (6) Fire
Covered In Shadows
I Feel Pretty.. O_O!!
Poem (5) Tear
Speak No Evil
See No Evil
Hear No Evil
Cool, Calm, Collected.
Poem (4) You're The One.
Okay For Now..
My Shadow
Poem (3) Black Magic
Mad And Tormented
Poem (2) I Wish
Prelude To The Storm
Feeling Better
Dark And Cold
Shrouded In Shadows
Poem (1) Fool In Love
Waiting Hopelessly
257 post(s)