that was the date i made this dairy. wtf, where has time gone. i was a freshman, i was hanging out with nicole and brandon. i was at nicoles house that is no longer hers, with friends that are no longer mine. i am graduating in 3 weeks. everything in this diary is over. i changed a lot in the last three years, but everything was still here, still safe, still with the same relative people. EVERYTHING is about to CHANGE> dont get me wrong, i could not be more excited, more ready. but i could not be more scared and more in shock that it is actually happeneing. FINALLAy. i love going back and ready my old entries, life was so differnt then, it will be even more differnt in the future. i am thinking of taking a day this summer, to copy all of ym enteries in all of my diares to word, and making a book of them, for myself, and calling it finding yourself. b/c people that college is the time when you find yourself and define yourself. for me, if i find myself any more, i think im going to go crazy. i am way to self aware. i had to get ot no myself a long time ago, and these dairies have helped me so much to do so. i want college to be a growing and developing stage, b.c im already found now i jjust need to take everythingi have learned about mysel, and make myself successful. it kinda cool really. but i duno, i just felt like this needed to be addressed in this diary. the oldest one. the simpilist one. the end.

This summer i want to do so much. 1. Go on a cruise..haha 2. Go to Panama. 3. take a road trip to Cedar point with jeremy 4. float trips 5. Wisconson. Yea good luck with taht Kourtney.

But i am admitting it to myself. I like him. I have liked him all along. I am an idiot. God please kill me now.

I just got off the phone with steph. I know everything will be ok next year...b/c yea me and steph werent that close, but if we still talk, then next year talking to sarah and alex, will be fine. Yea sarah and ALEX. the last month just sucked a lot..but i miss her dearly. and this is the end.

Everyone wants to make a differnec in the world, be known, save something, fight for something, have everyone recognize them, Think that they made a differnce. its funy those are the same people who says dont think aboaut what others think of you..that is in a sense what they are doing though. It i enver about fighting froo what the believe, its gettinga response out of someone and feelign as if they have impacted someone else;s life. I mean yea i want to help kids with cancer, but i dont kill myself over trying to make a difference. Im lviivng essentioally for my own happiness. NOt worried about the impact i make not trying to make an impact. B/c if your trying, are you really making the right impact. isnt it better to impact people naturalyl being yourself, truelly inspiring someone. I dunno that is just what i think. I have had numerous people tell me, i give them a differnet insight, i dont do it on purpose, or b/c i want to help or inspire them, i do it b/c it just happens. People that inspire me, arent the great people in the world, its just the girl who offers hand sanitizers to you event houghs she doesnt no you, and could easily walk away. The friend who is soo true with and soo honest..they arent hiding they arent tryint impact my life, it jus happens. People who dont wait and plan there lives on doing great things, the great things just happen. Abby inspires me, sure she may be hanging out with a whole bunch of peopel younger then her, she may be a manager at steak n shake, but the way she talks and the fun we had saturday night, being durnk with her, seeing her be her, there is something so real there she honestly does what she wants, says what she wants, and if you like her you do, and if not whats it to her. SHe will never no how she made me feel, but she is 21 and doesnt treat me like i am 4. just simple things. Honesty. Im not a believer in people hide behing the word bitch by saying there honest. They are being honest, its not just an excuse to be bitch. I dunno.. these are my thoughts, take em or leave em.

I am completly engrossed in this idea..and i love it a lot. i hope amnesty goes well tomorrow. and i have even more ideas..i just need to find the right people to talk to. i think this is going to be good for me. I need something like this right now, everything is moving so fast, but im not actually doing anything. I need to take on something, and just feel good about what i am doing. Dawson used to make me feel like i had a purpose, he always told me how happy i made him, how i was helping him, Karen always used to tell how she enver new what she would do with out me. Now they are both gone, sort of. and i need something new, something for me, to give myself purpose. I no everything is gunna be ok. Lunch with steph showed me that today. You no we may be far away, but if we close how much would we realy see each other anyway? you no? I think everything is gunna be ok. You cant let things stand in your way. Or let the past consume your, or be afraid. Everyhing is just about right now. And right now, i need to get my mind off of boys, and onto something new. College is old news. I know im going, i know everything will be spectacular. Now, i need something else. im happy. im crying. love.

I will admit that the right kind of wrong was my song for justin. He was. but i was listening to this song today, and i relized david is also wrong for me. But he isnt the right kind of wrong, its differnt he is the Perfect kinds of wrong. The reasons are complicated. But I love what is happening in my life right now. Like everyone thinks something is happeneing. But it isnt, and i love it that way. It still gets everything i need out and makes me feel good, with out actually have him This is the peftect kinds of wrong. Then there is cutie...what a boy.

Conflicting accounts about an incident involving your friends may leave you confused about whom to trust.

i just cant stop crying. Kristen comment on my myspace. talking about how she cant wait to see me, during guard. fuck this. fuck this. fuck this. fuck this. fuck this. fuck this. fuck this. fuck this. My mom and Dad said as long as it doesnt effect my grade that much, it was fine. it better be fine. Joe and Kristen are my favorite, i have just always thought it, and now after hearing this song, and watching her thing on myspace, i am convinced, and crying harder. everythign changes staind If you just walked away what could I really say? Wouldn't matter anyway. Would it change how you feel? I'm the mess you choose the profit you can not close, never let you I suppose because the rooms never here. But everything changes if I could take back the years if you could learn to forgive me then I could learn to feel, Sometimes the things I say bothered some ?? so coming to the games we play to make sure that its real. When it's just me and you. Who knows what we could do. If we can just make it through and take this blood off of me. Stay here together and we could conquer the world if we could say that forever is more than just a word. If you walked away what I could really say? Wouldn't matter anyway. It wouldn't change how you feel.

i just read sarah's snow day entry... and the first line says today was a stereotypical snow day. remember when everyone hated stereotypes, they were bad, everyone wanted somethign differtn, exciting, great. well the closer the end gets, and the closer i get to having to enter this new world. the more time i spend with my friends, guard, my family, the more i relize that stereotypical doesnt alwys mean bad, its good to have a common ground, something well known and comforting. i like sterotypical i like normal im gunna miss this comfort. in the new world.

Scholastic C 17 members True Colors. Autumn. we are the leaves. Bare Tree on floor. tight, green brown and orange colors. changing colors. practice was so amazing today. im gunnna cry. apperson better not fuck this up for me. You with the sad eyes Don't be discouraged Oh I realize It's hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness, inside you Can make you feel so small But I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful, Like a rainbow Canadian Idols. lyrics. Show me a smile then, Don't be unhappy, can't remember When I last saw you laughing If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there And I'll see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful, Like a rainbow [intru part] So sad eyes Discouraged now Realize When this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there And I'll see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors, true colors Cos there's a shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors, true colors True colors are beautiful, Beautiful, like a rainbow

i got my belly button pierced. its kinda like a present to myself for losing weight. even though i think im gaining it back...god damn being happy.

I have been revisiting my old entries the last two days. looking for something i have yet to find, but on my search i foudn so much more. so many things even i forgot. so many thigns that make me love my friends more. its all gunna be alright.

In a few years, when i feel this way. I will look back on yesterday, and see that it was the smartest thing we ever did together. We all are making differnt friends now, and sortof not seeing the moonshine in each other any more. No matter whatcomesnext, if this is the last time we all had together, it was a dream worth living. I know we wont come completly out of touch before we leave, we will always justsmile, and be ther for each other. Are friends ship out in the open and everything. Its just not the same anymore for all of us. Which is fine, b/c everythign changes. And im just trying to say that last night could not have been better. and i think i will remember it forever. I actaulyl saw her, for real. i cant believe it, i just sat there in awe for an hour and a half. i couldnt believe it was actually happeneing.

I feel bad, that i dont feel worse.

He knows everything. My inside, and my out. I have not kept anything from him. except these. I have three secrets. and all of them lie with in this website. It kinda amazing. It doesnt seem like it would count as a secret. expect they hold so much information. Its dumb that they arent. Im in love with this website. I cant turn away. Even though evefyone else has.

1 is apparently missing. 2. cried? yep 3. kissed anyone? yea 4. been on a vacation to a different state? yea 5. been on a vacation to a different country? no 6. been to the beach? no 7. been to the boardwalk? no 8. done drugs? no 9. smoked? yeah 10. snuck out? no 11. had a sleepover? yea 12. stayed up all night? yeah 13. slept in someone elses bed? yep 14. went in a pool? yeah! 15. ...without a bathing suit? no! 16. been on the computer a lot? not in the summer. 17. played video games? haha yes 18. listened to an ipod/mp3 player? yea 19. been on over 30 car rides? yea 20. been grounded? nope 21. been to a party? yeah 22. regret something? yea 23. been dumped? yea :( 24. lied? yes 25. done anyhing against the law? yeah 26. been camping? no 27. got in a fight? yea 29. stayed at a hotel? yeah 30. talked on the phone all night? YEP. 31. went shopping? yeah 32. been hit on? yeah 34. asked someone out? no 35. got in a car with a stranger? kinda 36. lost someone close? well define lose? 37. had someone sleep in your bed? yes 38. been to a movie? a whole bunch :( 39. been to a club? nope [[ Who is/are... ]] the person you were with the most? dawson, alex, sarah [[ Where... ]] everywheree! were crrrrazy [[ Random... ]] Favorite ice cream this summer? CHOCOLATE> well i mean DQ of course. Best day? Either my lake house, or at megans house when me and alex and sarah and steph were there. Biggest regret so far this summer? i dont really now what or which part, or even if i regret it. But something isnt right b/c i feel this way. Favorite song this summer? Road and the radio, dark blue, o god the song from the OC mix. #3 amazing. Favorite movie? Fast and Furious Tokoyo drift! amazing. Is this the best summer so far? no, way to busy. sarah was gone for far to long Are you looking forward to school starting? definitely not Do you have a Boyfriend or Girlfriend? during the summer yes. the end.

I have never been big on posting pcitures on here, btu for some reason i want everyone on sitd. to no just how amazing some people can be.

i may not be able to find a boy that i care about, but i sure have some amazing people in mylife.