Tweaker Nation
Listening to: the sounds of the library
Feeling: abnormal

glass pipes dressed in white.

denial is the strongest drug.

he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.

fading back and forth and forth and back.

and again.

i say come back home.

the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.

zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.

drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.

welcome to tweaker nation.

north las vegas blvd is key.

he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.

he was gone 4 days the last time.

and i drank my time away. not caring.

he showed up on and off.

eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.

accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.

all because. he loves those fumes.

chemicals.

given to him by scum that roam these streets here.

we/re in the lowest of the low.

but life is possible.

family is possible.

my riot. my shy. my ruckus.

deserve more.

more from both of us.

i drink to numb the pain.

he smokes to bring the pain.

a cycle.

a hamster wheel.

of hatred and resentment.

piling up like bones in a grave.

dug too deep.

and too wide.

but.

i will remain hopeful.

i will find my faith.

i will trust.

i will remain.

almost. tactfully. sane.

i pray for the company he keeps.

i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.

i can/t keep him safe all of the time.

but.

i can do my best.

i pray that this is the last.

very last.

horribly.

treacherous.

test.

 

64 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
psychothrilla
Feeling: ambivalent

i always find it comforting to find my words here.

hiding.

right where i left them so long ago.

before all that was.

and now all that is.

the things you choose eventually choose you.

we/re once again faced with an issue we/ve been faced with far too much in this life.

in such little time.

if only we knew how to behave better.

act better.

grow up and be less selfish.

his gambling and meth.

my drinking and rage.

we carried it to the limit.

those are the things we apprently find more important.

than family time.

family life.

behaving.

while all of my friends old and new go on to better pastures.

we/re left in the muck.

always in the muck.

because feeding the demon.

is more important than feeding the light.

i refuse to be here again.

and i dont care what it takes to get it good and gone.

facing life on the street is no way to live.

or to love.

or to show as an example.

we came here.

i came back here.

to be different.

to be the old better me.

the one with joy in my black cold heart.

not to watch it all fall apart.

again.

and again.

if only i could find the nerve to be that me.

the one who doesnt make excuses.

or play pretend.

im farfarfar too old for this game.

please give us one more 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th undeserved chance.

this time i will not fail.

 

173 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
apparently. it is easier. than i thought.
Listening to: maleficent.
Feeling: haunted

apparently. being. a slut. is far easier. than or then? i imagined.

i dont know what i expected. with so many years. and. terribly. horrible. experiences behind me.

i should know better? i shouldve understood? it explains a lot though.

i was always too blinded before. to see. or feel. their intentions.

i was usually too high. too drunk. too awake. and. too sick. to notice.

until it was ALWAYS too late. by then they had gone. and taken pieces of my dark heart with them.

but. even then. among the loneliness i failed to notice. that they just wanted my sex. and. my attention.

and. now. some secret upon the other secrets of my heart. locked in the dark dusty cabinets of my mind.

i never imagined BEING. FEELING. two men. so close together. and now my changed heart. is. TROUBLED.

.

 

215 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
step back.

I was much more a badass then. Back when very little mattered to me.

Now im hunkered down with baggage. Love. Selflessness. God. Morals. Honesty. All of those nasty little bugs that sneak in. Settle in.

How  disturbing. Maybe i was before off with a heart of stone.

223 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
a long time has passed.
Listening to: a quiet house

I may have been in my early twenties when i began this.

Time has seen fit to leave me with very vague memories.

I do know that it had been a particular awkward time in my life.

College. Depression. Feelings of utter despair for no real reason. Suicidal thoughts. And ultimately the passing of my mother.

Those moments in time I recorded here. Hidden away from prying eyes. Hidden away from myself.

After she passed, my mother Marcella, I only found it fitting to become a waste. I drownded myself in lovely cocaine and ever seductive drink.

And finally when I had lost everything. Money. Happiness. Dignity. Friends. I left. I ranaway. I ran to SinCity.

While there my indulgences only grew and grew. My hunger for nothingness became almot insatiable. And I paid the price.

Met many a good friend. Lost many more good friends. Homelessness. Emptiness. Sadness. And eventually a mission.

Literally.

The LVRM. A rehab program centered around my only loving enemy at the time - Jesus. Go figure.

I stayed. I sobered up. I became SAVED. I met the father of my three beautiful children. And we ran away to hell. Texas.

Terrible ups and downs. Terrible lies. Fighting. Pain. And violence. And CPS. And than clarity.

Jobs. Money. He and I became partners in crime instead of enemies out of love. We had our girl. Then another. And then the boy.

Still happiness faded. Texas suffocated. Dry. Boring. I was not bred country tough. I was born urban smart. And the dullness became too much.

So we ran away back to SinCity. And I find myself happier. My heart lighter. My mind at ease. And I am ready to give theRiot, ShyThug, and the RuckPup all the adventure they can stand.

*RoockStar*

157 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
cowboy bebop.
Listening to: the riot cooing
Feeling: baffled

arrive home from work late. to find him high and in a pissy mood. telling me im cheating. not him.

excuse. he's angry as an excuse because he's either done something retarded. or is planning on it.

and needs a good lie to tell himself. that it was in the end my fault. because i never loved him anyway.

i might have if he had been worth a damn. other than holding down a job. he hasnt done much else for me.

sex only takes you so far. if you like thinking anyway. all of this time has been a waste of time.

i am coming abruptly to that conclusion. and now the riot. i have her. but. i will admit. being homeless is far easier when one has a job. gainful employment makes all the difference.

i have been in worse positions than this. with people i cared far more about.

i have no doubts. that i will eventually. be fine.

i have God. and i have love. and i have the riot. to keep pushing forward. for.

i need nothing else.

not much else.

a place to run too would be nice. but as it has been for many years now. i have no home to run too.

no shelter to seek. no protection. it will be me against. this and that. tit and tat.

he had to ruin a perfectly good saturday.

right when i decide to get positive and get on the right side. something always happens to push it to the dark side.

only the universe knows the story. the plan. i am merely a character.

the riot is all i truly do have.

she is all i need.

 

239 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
sick.
Listening to: silence of a closed salon.
Feeling: addicted

it was a lot easier before i had her. a baby. this little life waiting on me to guide her through this pit. this world of good things. terrible things. happy things. and things.

i havent been a good mom yet. ive been busy getting sickdrunk again. because. the binge always feels better in the mind then actually when it happens.

and i always think. this time it will be different. until i find myself hugging the porcelain god with a body so achy from dehydration and days of blind drunkness. that it hits me.

it will never be different. the story always plays out the same when i call on my old love booze.

she always hurts me. in the long run. but now. i have GOD and a babygirl named RIOT waiting for me to love her to pieces and to protect her.

and this man im trying my hardest to trust without chasing him off finally with my blind jealousy.

then again maybe im just too bored in this ittybittytinyminisculelittle hell hole.

but.

my job is working out here despite my repeated stupidity.

and we have things here that i havent had in a long time.

a home.

a bed to rest my head.

a freakin tv i dont like to watch.

dishes.

food.

love?

has it been so long since ive loved anything other then drugsnbooze.

have i forgotten how to have a notsoblackandcold heart?

i need to learn to love her.

because.

she deserves the world.

and.

i need to give that to her.

my riot. my monshter. my glowworm. my grace from GOD.

i need to wake up my heart.

i need to put down the vodka.

and ive been through this before.

rehab is missed now.

because. i was safe from myself.

 

176 hit(s) (1 comments) | Fauck You  
ruckus

i should be working harder then this but its saturday.

the love of my life is at the babysitters house. waiting for us to come grab her.

clifford.

this man.

my man.

my guy.

true love or not. my heart leans closer to not.

lust. old infatuation. simple pride and ego issues.

as is the roughdraft of my life.

always crossed and scratched out. never complete.

never ending.

i need change.

i need big change.

i need to let pettiness go.

i need to tell myself that i can trust him more then i can love him.

right now.

and he begs.

cries.

why dont you love me.

because.

at times.

you wear me out.

but.

you dont hear that when i say it either.

at times i wonder if he even remembers me?

why couldnt i have been more upfront with the one i was in love with.

before he too left.

and now.

here.

between a rock.

and a stone.

 

175 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
quiet riot
Listening to: silence of a closed salon

she came the 3rd of feb. with more of a scream then with a whimper.

she weighed 7 and 4 with 19 1/2 inches to boot.

right now she's resting in our bed. content. safe. loved.

riot. and i dont know how else to feel but in love with her. in love with being able to love her and to actually mean it. how long has it been, since. then. when. i felt some thing more then nothing.

to this drinking or cocaine cannot compare. my love for them has been replaced. with her.

this little person. waiting to become. becoming this awesome little woman.

im worried though. for the rent. and the bills. and wondering when i might actually decide to do something meaningful with myself.

i will trust in God.

i will wait on him.

i will be still and not freak out because i know with God nothing is impossible.

quiet riot is meant for grand things.

i know this already.

and i'll make sure she knows.

 

251 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  
a week
Listening to: salon stuff

in a week ill be a mother. officially. how things change. how time changes situations.

events disappear and are replaced before you even remember why you were sad in the beginning.

i type while im at work right now.

seven days. hours. minutes. moments. screams. and pulling out of hair and i will be a mother. to a daughter. i never thought. dreamed i would ever have.

because.

the life before this new other life. was a terrible life. a down life. dirty life. lonely. and hopeless.

excuse me if i type so EMO.

im excited.

terrified.

but.

excited.

i believe she'll have eyes like mine. and a smile all of the same. im sure i know her already.

we've been growing together for months now.

when you're ready riot.

ill be here waiting.

 

379 hit(s) (0 comments) | Fauck You  


Entry List
Tweaker Nation
psychothrilla
apparently. it is easier....
step back.
a long time has passed.
cowboy bebop.
sick.
ruckus
quiet riot
a week
to become
wondering where walken was.
it has been a hot momento
bats and caves
and this is still.
ouy antw ipolarb
cluster fuck
green eyes
trip out
glorify god.
breathing HEAVILY
this is life.
psychokiller
the xholidays
merry easter
good tidings
15 days and counting
the last chance
doomed doom domming
as we know it
dig this clean cat
be a fool again finnegan
and the beat
attention whore
waiting for my friend
incredible edible
dancing with myself
brutal fun
especially strange
lying 101
Pun-Day.
REAL FAST.
To Whomever.
Ggggggggg-REat.
Fudg-ED.
Hit Me Again, Man.
[Frucks]
Psycho-Cirosis
Why Not Another?
Son-Day.
Cramp-ed Style.
Screw You.
Screwed.
Bite It.
Sudden Depth.
Rub my Stub.
Good After-Morning.
Saturn-day.
HY-pothetically.
Stoned Cold.
PORN.
They're Coming.
Tired.
blank
GODDAMN!
A Word.
Slacker-itis.
Pissed.
Calm Days.
Sprinkle.
Chex.
The Real Deal.
And So It Goes.
No Thanks Gobbler.
Dillusions.
Just Frickin.
Fuckin' Fizzle.
Say Work?
The Bar.
Doomed Crush.
REAL-ization.
Sitting/Typing.
Typical Affliction.
Smoke Haze.
2 Hour Delay.
In the Now.
Numb Fingers.
Stomach.
Classes.
Anymore.
Right. Now. Here.
Venting Made Easy.
I'd like to.
Brain Lapse.
Numb.
Lonely Heart.
Stupid.
Dry Mouth.
Freezer.
Class Later.
Radical.
Sober Phase.
Garcinia Cambogia
As I was saying...
Hall-O-Ween.
The Day AFTER
Yeah.
Shaky.
So fucking Sick.
Why Not Another
iLumina
Cha-Chi
I Dreamt of This.
Skipping.
It Ends.
Classes.
Definitely the Mix.
In the Mix.
Shif-Ting
Tar-Get
Burr.
[and it goes on]
Unlucky.
Awake.
Today.
Slow.
Bored.
Story slash Writing.
Please Read, 1.
Fabri-Kation.
Falling.
Sneaks-n-Freaks.
Burning Slowly.
Ticking.
So Now.
Fuzzy Mind.
Purple Haze.
the tall boy
Sweet Sickness.
Bitter Peach.
Confrazzled.
Wasted Time.
Small Letters.
Goodbye Employment.
caveman
sobriety rioty
skipping stones
has it been so long
goodbye to certains
no action
california
bad habits never die
bad to the bone
glass
walking cold
telling pretty lies
paid days
this is friday night
OPTIMISM
alone
still fired.
fired.
what excuse?
the blues
rockstar.
anger?
this is life
holidays
this life of mine.
to dan.
okay day
close to ghost night.
one more step over
so its overrr
feeling weird.
life is getting harder.
sea lion woman
fuck depression
depressed again
off the wagon again.
off again
droogs
gar boy
early morning
because
cave
it is what it is.
M/D twentwen.
true stories.
f'ing things up.
lucky #13.
blonde boy.
burger king.
charlie
my white boyfriend.
patience.
beginning to wonder.
he got it.
some girl in a story.
THINGS SGNIHT.
so cool.
difference.
internet.
diaper.
actually okay?
painted.
Fuck This.
TRICKS.
easy does it.
math.
FOR FREE.
people i know.
being me.
jimi hendrix
changing.
quick fix.
happy birthday.
2 years.
fix it.
vodka and beer.
the bird known as sorrow.
inside my head.
A MOVEMENT.
venting.
minutes
well ive tried everything.
TOUCH
what motherfucker
asylum gray
it may be time to go.
GODDAMN.
HEY THERE.
DONT YOU WORRY.
EASTER.
circumstances.
just got worse.
excuse me.
bring me.
crashing.
soft reply.
horror.
manifested.
turn the page.
there are no peaches.
why not another nother round.
gripping on.
oy.
sponges.
stalkeristis.
punk song.
cunt cucker.
drugs are nice.
balance.
quite frankly darling.
CALL OUT.
twisted.
things.
relaz.
what i wrote before this.
in my head.
another night.
the jesus thing.
give me give me.
random story.
the difference.
doctor pain.
new rules.
every time.
boo-ha-ha.
fun does end.
another.
hating it.
beat it.
stale.
perplexed and direct.
to begin.
shush.
re-make.
make believe.
done again.
night to day.
overrated.
perplexed.
there.
a second time.
flooding.
breathing.
in blood.
to.be.new
unbelievable
no.different.
my.world.is.a.miss.
missing.
hollow.ness.
unsettled.
rushed.
boys in dresses.
coffee.
analyzing.
5.hours.
roundandround.
no.such.thing.
darnit.
the.hell.
pan.ick.
ticking.tocking.
no.apologies.
remaining.still.
lost.control.control.lost.
absenthis.
birthing.day.
thinking.kills.
hypocritical.
no.living.ideas.
so.many.
feel.
to.go.back.
master.piece.
dog.in.the.fight.
sheena.is.a.punk.rocker.
dont.be.a.virgin.
time.is.passing.
count.down.begins.
im.turning.japanese.
returns.the.mood.
the.mood.is.lovely.
pause.a.minute.
thoughts.
whats.it.matter,
eye.heart.drugs.
such.a.lame.thing.
ticking.time.around.
tech.NO.logy.
f.ing.viruses.
reach.out.touch.faith.
peck.ish.
uknown,score.
going.down.hill.
i.dont.know.what.to.tell.you.
do.not.know.tomorrow.
lifes.meant.not.
time.and.time.
not for you.
inspired. and tired.
spinning.
relieved.
read this slowly.
chances.dances.
a day.
landolakes.
minutes.
clouds moving in.
workworkwork.
ehhhh.
chance.
counting.
endless.
gruff.
103.
sunday morning.
what else to say.
insomnia.
i wouldnt say.
dollar.
wont go away.
unhip chick.
ef.
fuck being poor.
words will spill.
open doors.
things and things.
finale.
run the world.
these feelings wont go away.
burning.
just want to mend.
honesty is not best?
dont want to return.
hope renewed.
running away.
damn.
lukewarm.
no more sleep.
maybe.
today shouldve been wednesday.
relentless.
not far enough.
unaware.
watch me run circles around...
childs play.
heat is hot.
new number.
boys. boys.
disorder.
tired.
cocaine.
when in doubt.
believe it or not.
nothing until noon.
eh.
i see you.
i should've never.
nothing to mean nothing.
to be like.
drinking is no cure.
hunting.
you can try all you like.
the deadliest poet.
rockstar.
obsessive nature.
new city.
i meant it about circling.
i like the way they circle...
mean because i can be.
lonely.
no one ever reads my work.
subversive normalities.
from lively to deadly.
the year of sorrow begins.
I believe in good days.
Poetically Creeping.
Hypocrite.
In my head.
Joe.
4 until 12.
Burning.
Venom.
Asylum of the Mind.
I Am Breath.
Action is the Enemy of...
Love of the High.
What.
To Her.
Hatrack.
Change.
There Is No End.
It Is All Around.
This is My Name.
Not Who I Used to Be.
13 Steps.
Day to Day.
Hitting the Slump.
Getting By.
The Rush.
The Addict's Dream.
Give it All the Fine Things.
Time?
What Now?
Tomorrow Always Comes Too...
Cleaning Out the House.
Finding Paradise.
Slowed Down.
To the Day.
I Have Not Cried.
To That.
To This.
Piss and Shit.
As I Watch.
This is How.
I Dream of Thorns.
Going. Gone. Wishes.
So Now.
To All Those.
Going.
Ticking Time.
My Heart is Broke.
Come In Death.
Poetic Anger.
A Doomsday Symphony.
Ending Times.
Words Are Words.
What Should I Say?
Medical Incompetence.
Outside the Brain.
Inside the Brain.
Helping.
Guilt.
Blank.
Time Again.
For Me No Love.
Too warm.
What to do?
Sitting.
Emotionless.
Completely Useless.
Then Again.
Born to Lose.
Tomorrows.
Infront of a Group.
Hello Unemployment.
Don't give a f_ck!
Fruitloops and Cherrios
Name / Number Unlisted
Forgetting the Middle
Taking it Easy
Fun-day Sunday
SH_T
Ronald McDonald
No Comments
Again
"Sweet Days of Slacking"
"F_CKED"
Changing Process
"No More"
"13"
Supersilious
And We Dance
Sitting at the computer...
No longer waiting
And the beat goes on
Stupid Work...
No more of something...
Too Long
Tummy
Grand Slam...
Keep on Keepin on...
Another Shot Please...
Easin on down the road...
Fear and Loathing...
Getting Worse...
Too Early...
(Early Morning).
SICK.
Running Still...
)Moving(
(Signs)
Trapped
(Accident Prone)
Feeling Down...
Entry
Drafts...
(Bad Start)
Today sucks...
Today Might Not Suck...
"Use Your Brain."
Standing Still...
Not Changing...
Beginnings...
It waits...
(Ass Ache)
Aunt Flow
Skipping Class
Brain Drain
Burned 2
It's Monday...Feel it?
Some Kind Of...
Something - Anything
Writings
Stomach Ache
Time just keeps on...
Fetch this dog a bone...
Rough Draft
Wednesday
Fetch me an escape route...
Sometimes it's the little...
Sick of it all
(Voices in this Head)
(POW)
Pop
Stuck Like a Fock
Yawn Yawn
Class
Feelin' Good
Back Away
So Wrong
First Day of Classes
3rd Entry and Counting
Evening Freaking
Exactly Slappy
Twiddling Thumbs
Fish
Morning Cartoons
Dear Whomever
Taco Salad
Feeling Rather Unregretful
Black Moth
Up and Up
A New Tomorrow
(Something Different)
*Hiding*
No Sense
10 Days
One One Day
Worms
Waking Up
It's All The Same
Addictions Love to Visit
Crazy Says "No"
Confusion
Somewhat Better
Completely Numb
Tonight
Existing
Already
One More
End of The Month
Same Old Same Old
Not Even A Month
A Simple Day
Big Night Last Night
Nothing But Today
One
EIGHT
Nine
9 Days
Down
Later Tonight
The Evening
So Far Nothing
Anew
New - Old Habits
Friday This Day
Another Lovely Day
The Past
Tuesday Today
25th Hour
Evening Today
Not the 4th
Later On In The Day
Lapses
The 4th of July
Round and Round
Eyes
Dreams
First of the Month
Opening Eyes
A Mess
Old Habits
Title
~Aftermath~
~Concert~
~Today and Tomorrow~
~Birthday~
~Mowing the Lawn~
~Encore~
~Naturally Screwed~
~Fancy Title~
~Cold~
~Stuff~
~Alcoholic~
~Living Part 2~
~Living~
~Beautiful Stupidity~
~Today~
~Dreaming~
~Damn Blue Drinks~
~Blue Drinks~
~Healing~
~Don't Know~
~Life~
~All Good~
~Fine~
~Gatorade = Death~
~Friday Sobriety~
~Fuck~
~Thursday~
~Sinking~
~Small~
~Problems~
~Restless~
~Life~
~Friday~
~Another Day~
~The Way Things Are~
~Glue~
~Break~
~Right Now~
Night Ramblings
Another Sunday
Daze
Summer Days
Addictions
Moments
Unconcerned
Mother's Day
Still Losing
Loser
Crazy
Screw It
Nothing Matters
One More Day
Sunday Hell
Saturdays
PAT
Skrewed
Thursday
Issues
Tuesdays as well
Mondays are Hell
Mondays Are Equal To Hell
Sunday
Should I Even Speak
Secret with no name
Venting
Friday
Counting Crows
New Days
Revelations
Easter / 4:20
There is nothing you can do.
Days
~MoVinG?~
~ThoUghTs~
~ShoWeRS~
~EmoTiOnS~
~DaMn mE~
~DoNE~
~RamBLiNG~
~StOriE~
~TwiSTeD~
~DaMn~
~LeTtiNg Go~
~OvEr iT~
~SLEeP~
~AnoThEr~
~ToDay~
~CoNVErSaTiOnS~
~SaTurDaY NiGhT~
~NigHTs OuT~
~PaSsiNg TiME~
~HoRriBLe~
~HaTE~
~HiTtiNG A baLL~
~BrEaThinG~
~48 HouRs~
~MoRniNG~
~FiNE~
~WiNniNg~
~BeTtEr~
~HuRT~
~OfFiCiALLy DoNE~
~TimE FoR MoRE~
~DoNE~
~DReaM~
~SmiLE~
~BiTtEr~
~SuNDay~
~SaTUrDaY~
~BrEaK~
~ErUPTiOn~
~DaYs~
~BrEaK~
~GrOWinG Up~
~WeiRD~
~SuNDaY~
~SaTuRDaY NiGHt~
~LaTe NiGHt RhyMeS~
~LaTeR MoRniNg~
~FriDaY~
~EpiPhaNY~
~EaRLy~
~LaTeR~
~DesTiNeD~
~UsELeSs~
~ThiNKiNG~
~ScrEwEd~
~LiTtLe PoEmS~
~RiGHt NoW~
~MoRniNG~
~RAiN~
~Damn HIM~
~ToNiGHT~
~RiGht NoW~
~Septum~
~ToDay~
~Fighting~
~One Week~
~SunDay~
~Content~
~Carpe Dium~
~Later~
~Early~
~Ashes, Ashes~
~Lovely~
~Thoughts~
~Loser~
~Today~
~Gone~
~Right now~
~Tonight~
~Angry~
~Right now~
~Night Time~
~Tonight~
~Days~
~Let it all go~
Umm yeah...
~You~
Weeks before death....
Pathetic...
Maniac Monday.....
Another...
Morning....
~Saturday~
Want:::::::::
FRIDAY...
Busy day...
Another day...
Death...
Chaos...
Cancer...
Right now...
Today...
Ugly...
Don't bother...
Over...
Weekend...
Sick...
Not steady...
Fear...
Nothing...but nothing
All right...
Not Easy...
Today....
One more day...
Another day...
Coming down...
Almost over...
Wondering...
New Morning...
Change
Just don't know...
Awake...
Early...
Quack...
Fate as a philosophy...
Some more shit....
Another Damn day.....
The Beginning...
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