I FUCKING HATE MY BOYFRIEND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE FUCKING DOES EVEYTHING HE POSSIBLY CAN TO MAKE MY LIFE HORRIBLE IM SITTING HERE CRYING AS HE MAKES FUN OF ME AND HAVE U EVER GOTTEN TO THAT POINT IN UR LIFE WHERE U JUST WANNA FUCKING STAB URSELF OR BEAR MASE URSELF OR JUST FUCKING KILL URSELF CUZ UR SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT THAT U FIGURE IF U JUST REPEAT THE SAME ROUTINE EVER SINGLE FUCKING DAY WHY NOT JUST FUCKING STOP REPEATING IT GOD I SOUND LIKE A FUCKING EMO BITCH RIGHT NOW BUT FUCK IM IN THE MOOD TO JUST FUCKIN GO SLIT MY OWN FUCKING THROAT RIGHT NOW I CANT FUCKING STAND THIS ANYMORE, I PUKE AND I PUKE AND IT'S BEGGINING TO JUST NOT BE ENOUGH I NEED TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING MORE SATISFYING CUZ CLEARLY I APPARENTLY JUST DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME SO I GUESS I HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING MORE FUCKING TORTUROUS FOR MYSELF NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT ME PUKING N SHIT BUT MY BOYFRIEND, N HES STILL A BITCH ABOUT IT, BUT WUTEVER IF NO ONE CAN FIND OUT ABOUT THAT, NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO FIND OUT IF I JUST DID WORSE SHIT RIGHT I NEED SOME SORTVE HARSHER DRUGS OR SOMETHING IM SICK OF THIS SHIT, MY BOYFRIENDS MADE IT CLEAR THAT I DONT DESERVE TO LIVE

I just found a friend In one of your lies To treat me so nice I can't believe my words And they say So many things... They tell me I am fine Believe me I, I try...

So me and matt got back together and everything was great for a few weeks we got into a huge fight one day though, and from then he started acting like a jackass again. he threw a large pop in my face on friday, and on saturday he drank and said SO much stuff to me like that i was the ugliest girl hes ever seen n hes only dating me for my body, and that he cheated on me 3 times and he fucked another girl on my bed, and that he can't even believe someone would rape that shit cuz i'm the nastiest pussy he's ever had and he doesn't know why he ever even touched it...and the next day he called me n was like 'oh i was jk about tht stuff, i was just mad' uhh, he even hit me? and he kept throwing me on the ground every time i'd get up...i know i'll probabli get people saying 'break up with that fag' and it's true, i really should, but i just can't for some reason. it just pisses me off that he wont even admit that he treats me like shit, he keeps saying i treat him like shit so i shouldnt talk?...n he's now pretending he didnt cheat on me. i know he did. he can't lie about it when i KNOW...whatever, this is just depressing me -Starry Eyes

Me and my boyfriend broke up for 5 days then got back together. we broke up because he told me he was gonna prove how much he loved me by not drinking the whoel break while i was gone, but he did drink...and he did too much coke, which he PROMISED me he would stop. he kept saying he didnt cheat on me, but at one point it slipped out "well..im pretty sure i didnt cheat on u" he's cheated on every girlfriend hes ever had, so obviously he did. i got back together with him cuz it seemed like he started to mature. he "quit smoking", started opening car doors for me, "stopped lying to me" well, now that i took him back, he's still smoking, only more secretively now, and he lied to me about meeting up with some girl who everyone says hes been fucking. i guess it's my fault, i mean i like him so much that i'm too retarded to realize how happy i'd be without him. and the truth is i dont even like him, i like who i think he is and i think hes becomming, in my eyes he was "matthew g, the sweet boyfriend who seems like hes trying to give up the world for his girlfriend" now highlight the word seems. reality check--he's just the person everyone tells me he is. matt gaffney, the cheating, lying, scandelous drug-addict boyfriend. I am stupid. I should start listening to the rest of the world. ps. orange kittens are cute

Start with 100%, and take away 1% for everything you've done/that's happened to you on this list. put the number you are left with in the subject line. example... if you did ONE thing you would put 99% . start= 100% [x]smoked [x]drank alcohol. cried when someone died. [x]been drunk. [x]had sex. [x]been to a concert. [x]given a hand job/gotten a hand job. [x]given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob. given anal sex/gotten anal sex [x]been verbally sexually harassed. [x]verbally sexually harassed somebody. [x]felt someone up and/or been felt up. [x]laughed so hard something came out of your nose. [x]cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before. [x]been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend. been to prom. [x]cried at school. [x]gotten lost in a walmart or a department store. went streaking. given a lap dance. [x]had someone of the opposite sex in your room. [x]had someone of the opposite sex sleep over. [x]slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house. [x]kissed a stranger. [x]hugged a stranger. went scuba diving. [x]driven a car. [x]gotten an x-ray. hit by a car. had a party. [x]done drugs. played strip poker. got paid to strip for someone. ran away from home. broken a bone. [x]eaten sushi. [x]bought porn [x]watched porn made porn had a crush on someone of the same sex. [x]been in love. [x]french kissed. [x]laughed so hard you cried. [x]cried yourself to sleep. [x]laughed yourself to sleep. stabbed yourself. [x]shot a gun. [x]trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day. [x]watched TV for 9 consecutive hours. [x]been online for 9 consecutive hours. [x]watched an animal die. watched a person die. [x]had sex and/or messed around [x]pranked somebody. put somebody in the hospital. [x]snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out. [x]kissed somebody of the same sex. [x]dressed punk. dressed goth. [x]dressed preppy. been to a motocross race. [x]avoided somebody. been stalked. stalked someone. [x]met a celebrity. [x]played an instrument. [x]ridden a horse. cut yourself. [x]bungee jumped. [x]ding dong ditched somebody. [x]been to a wild party. [x]got caught stealing something. [x]kicked a guy in the balls. stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend. went out with your friend's crush. [x]got arrested. been pregnant. [x]babysat. [x]been to another country. had an encounter with a ghost. donated your hair to cancer patients. [x]been asked out by someone that you never though you'd be asked out by. [x]cried over a member of the opposite sex. [x]had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months. [x]sat on your ass all day. ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself. [x]had a job. [x]gotten cut from a sports team. [x]been called a whore. [x]danced like a whore. been mistaken for a celebrity. been in a car accident. [x]been told you have beautiful eyes. [x]n told you have beautiful hair. raped somebody. [x]been raped. [x]danced in the rain. been rejected. walked out of a restaurant without paying. [x]punched someone/slapped someone I am 32% innocent.

Tomorrow, February 17th is my birthday. I should be thrilled, and honestly i am in a way, i'm just so angry that my brothers girlfriend is practically forcing him to go on a weekend long trip with her, and theyre leaving tomorrow. all my buddies wouldnt really care that much about it, it's just i've never had the same friends two years in a row on my birthday, they've always changed so much, but my brothers always been there...i thought i could make up for that with my boyfriend matt, but it's like everything i say to him he talks to me in this bitchy tone like he secretly hates me. and the fact that he hasnt chilled with me in the past 3 weeks, and even when he does he bounces on me. yes, even on valentines day, he invited about 4 other ppl to chill with us just doesnt help his case. just today i was talking about my birthday and he said in this bitchy tone that he couldnt come to dinner n when i asked him why hes always gotta use a tone with me, he told me i was a bitch. UGHH it's like i cant talk to him about any of this stuff though, cuz he just gets so fucking angry. so here's how my birthday's gonna go down. my brothers gonna be gone so im gonna be depressed about that, then me and matt will end up fighting and i'll cry. then my bff michelle will roll her eyes at me and call me stupid or something, then my other bff joy will try to bitch at matt and side with me, but that will only anger him more and he'll leave. then i'll cry myself to sleep. yep, my regular weekend...

And every time i try i fall...because...what can i say...he just doesn't love me. i don't care what he says. all i can say is i am 110% sure that it is a lie. when a relationship gets to the point where the guy is saying things like "youre nothing special" and "i use u for sex" and "i'd pick alcohol over you" and is using "oh sorry i was drunk" or "shutup that didn't even happen" as an excuse (by the fucking way i'm not retarded. the little drunken boy cant tell the sober girl and all the witnesses what did and did not happen)...then clearly it's gotten to the point where DESPITE what he says, he doesn't love u. and as angry as he gets at u for writing things like this in your diary,-which is absolutely retarded concidering that a girl SHOULD be able to pour her heart out into her diary without having to feel guilty- he still doesn't love u. a regular person would atleast ATTEMPT to prove that this statement was false. however, knowing matthew gaffney, he will snoop into my diary, read this, then freak out. yes, yes that's my boyfriend. cross out amazing, i guess i'm the retarded one for still thinking that as he drunkenly cries in my brothers room muttering how he loves me right after he picked alcohol over me and told me we were over. yes, yes i MUST be retarded. watch out, here comes another one of his panic attacks from reading this part as he snoops through my diary. HERE HE GOOOOESSS.

So i know some boy matthew. he's pretty cool i guess. no, scratch that, he's completely and utterly amazing. and i guess he's not just "some boy" he's my boyfriend. and yes we may fight, and yes people might try to break us up with the whole 'he-cheated-she-cheated-he-could-do-better-she-could-do-better' thing, but in reality why should i let another persons gossip contradict my mentality. well, easier said than done i suppose. i have to admit i'm nowhere close to perfect, and i garuntee 50% of the conflict comes from my side which is provoked by my lack of preventing the contradicting of my own mentality and sureness. however...i can also garuntee 50% comes from matthew in result of matching reasons. and sometimes, it gets me shivering to wonder about how tired he's getting of all of it. although, again im contradicting myself. it gets me shivering every time i think of him. and every time, it gets my heart beating faster...and i don't care what he thinks. i don't care if he thinks im cheating on him or i dont like him asmuch as he does or anything along the lines of absolute bullshit that he can think of. because really, the fact is, he's my only one. that's a garuntee i can make, and it's only about him, and it's only gonna be about him for aslong as he lets it. fuck the fighting, fuck the skanks, fuck the gossip. it's about me n him. n that's all that matters.

k, i love my boyfriend to death, but the fact is, he's a hypocrit. see he gets mad when my friends text me or call me, yet i know it makes him uncomfortable so i dont hang out with any of these guys alone. now see, he gets mad at that, but he chills with his ex girlfriend all the time, like today he called me n told me he was chillin with her, but im pretty sure that he only called me n told me that because my buddies saw him n he thought they would rat him out or something. n see, when im really sick n stuff n before he even calls to see how im feelin, he'll call his ex girlfriend to see if shes down to chill, obviously its gonna make me uncomfortable. n when i tell him that he calls me a paranoid freak. and the fact is even though he knows how uncomfortable it makes me he doesnt bother to do anything to make it better, infact he chills with her more now. it used to be once a month, then once every couple of weeks, and now on his call list he has her number more than mine. seriously am i honestly being the paranoid one or is that actually fucking wierd. :(

saturday december 10th me n matt fucked. and we still havent even said 'i love you' to eachother. i guess now that im older, saying i love u is a big deal and fucking isnt, before it was the other way around. on friday i got into a fight cuz this girl aleesha brean told matt she wanted to fuck him so i decked her then later we fought twice. and ofcourse...i kicked her ass. teehe. winter break soon. w00t w00t! hopefully new years will be dope.

Matt just told me he could definately see himself falling inlove with me. ok, so trevor dumped me and it was shitty, but if that didnt happen i never would have met matt, whos like trevor but 100 times sweeter, and lives 100 miles closer. everything happens for a reason, and i really hope matt is my reason. <33

matt gaphne just asked me out. im happy, cuz he's uber hott n we get along sweetly. but after the whole trevor thing, i don't wanna let myself get hurt again. i'm gunna try so hard not to let myself fall for this guy unless im sure its gunna last a while, cuz i really fell hard for trevor, and it's still hurtin...

this will be my longest entry ever. i expect zero comments. ok. here goes. I thought i was over him. i swear. i only cried over him the day he dumped me over a text msg. october 13th. and for the past 2 days i just miss him too much. and u know, the depressing part, is i tried to get over him by convincing myself that i had something with another guy. and that other guy made out with me, ignored me for a week, then made out with one of my best friends infront of my face. i've made out with 8 guys since me n trevor fucked up. n not one has called me back. cept matt, but he even admitted yeah we're gunna fuck around but we're never gunna date. oh perfect, i've become everyones fuck around girl. "Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs And sit alone and wonder How you're making out But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone Making out. I'm missing your laugh How did it break? And when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope you're as happy as you're pretending. I'm cuddling close To blankets and sheets And I am alone" -Dashboard Confessional You know what I don't care how many people tell me I shouldn't be missing you And I don't care how much you don't give a shit anymore Because you treated me like shit And I'm pretty sure I did the same And we never talked after that day And we'll never talk again And I can either sit here and cry Or I can go fix things Not between us But for myself And I choose I choose to sit here and cry Cuz I fell for you And yeah You could argue I only fell for you because I was pushed But if she had pushed me into any other guy standing there that night Then I don't know what would have happened But I can tell you I'd be happier I can almost garuntee that And yeah I wouldn't have sat here crying and pouring my heart out into a some fucking diary that no one will ever read And I don't care if we were drunk or on E or however it was It was the beach, the moon, and me and you And that meant something to me And I know it meant something to you too Because we kept going back And I wasn't getting more comfortable with you I was getting more nervous Because every time I was with you I fell inlove with you more and more And the day you called me to tell me you woke up at night and were just thinking about how much you loved me That meant the world to me And the day we layed on my bed, listening to that song It didn't have to be about who got in who's pants Or weather we fucked and whatnot It was just about you and me And that was when I really knew that you loved me And you kissed me like you meant it And we fucked it all up And I'll never forget that feeling Cuz my heart's fucked And in a way you saved me Because no one can ever break my heart so badly again And now I can protect myself Thanks to you They can't break what's already broken Right? And if you'd let me I swear I'd promise you the world And since I can't do that All I'm gunna promise is that I'll remember that feeling for the rest of my life I swear

me and my brother used to be chill, till he got a gf and now everythings fucked. he thinks i sleep around with all these guys and shit, and yesterday he told me he hated me n wished i wasnt his sister cuz i was such a fucking whore, and when i started crying he just yelled at me more... i bought him tix to the 50 cent g unit concert today n i hoped he'd be happy but he threw it at me n said he didnt want my shit... and to make it worse, our argument started cuz i said 'nyrab you're the best brother in the world, any time anyone mentions u i tell them how much i love u' n hes like 'i wish i could say the same but too bad UR A FUCKING WHORE' fuck.

ok, so as bad as it was getting dumped over a text message and shit, i'm dealing with it. besides, this guy matt was with his girlfriend for 2 years and he was fuckin inlove with her and she just broke up with him, so if he can deal with it i can too. i got relli drunk last night n chilled with cato and all the guys and then a bunch of the girls too. vina was so tanked so i took her home with me cuz she kept puking, and i fell asleep on the couch with matt. i made out with kaz that night, and while i was on the phone with my mom cody came and put his tongue in my mouth too haha. anyways, the point is kaz and cody didn't call me, and i bet i won't end up talking to them much ever again, and i chilled with matt all night, and didn't make out with him and he was the only guy that called me back. so yeah, it benefits to not be slutty. lol. oh fuck it i was tanked. i accidentally told everyone that night that my first time was when i got raped by anthony, and i accidentally blurted out about how i made out with pat fathers. but they were drunk too, so they probably don't remember. i got home at about 1 and made a big bowl of kraft dinner for me and matt and my brother and vina. the night wasn't actually that bad besides vinas constant puking all over the floor and bed. well, til next time. xo.

not once in my life have i ever been rejected by a guy. i have guys comming upto me off the street telling me i'm gorgeous. oh but BUT i got dumped over a text msg. "i'm breaking up with you, i'm texting u because i don't wanna listen to the crying, don't call me." i feel. like shit. . .

so i had plans with someone. and i cancelled my other plans so that i could chill with this person. but yet again, this person ditched me for my brother. now i have this problem with people doing that, cuz my brother is basically the most popular guy in...well the whole city, so i've always been scared when talking to people cuz i never know whos making friends with me because they actually wanna be friends with me, and whos making freinds with me just so they can get close to my brother (because i've had that happen toooo many times) now this one chik i met her and we clicked and i was so happy. she was the first person i showed this diary too and she even has the username for it(dear god i hope she forgot it.) but she sais she's going downstairs when she comes over to have a smoke with my brother. and then she just. . . doesnt come up. . . and a few hours later she'll finally come chill with me for about 20 minutes then go home. i trust people too easily. give em the key to ur life and they'll ditch you for ur own brother. harsh.

me and trevor fought i was pretty sure we broke up went to see The Used on rebound made out with some hott emo guy in tight pants and a small t-shirt i thought he didnt tell me his name because it was a concert and it was too loud... but when the concert was over, he turned over to me and smiled and walked away i should probably stop this whole random guy thing... ...nah... next math class i get a text from trevor "baby i love you so much" aw..heck yeah we worked it out heck yeah i love him, and i'd pick him over anyone too

Do you think it'll work?... he lives a two hour drive away from me i wanna try...i dont know if he does...it seems like im making him, and i wanna do anything but that. i can see him on weekends but... no, he's too horny to only see me once a week. he said he wants a girl he can see every day and eventually he'll probably just cheat on me... why would he let those words come out of his mouth... i'm not special enough to only be made out with once a week, or just on the weekends?... i haven't gone a day not one day since we started dating without another guy asking me for my phone number i havent gone three days without being asked out and...the one guy i'm head over heals for is the only one that doesn't see me as "special"

"you don't make me feel special...and you should, well, atleast sometimes, because...i am, and even people i'm not dating make me feel special..." "sorry what did you just say? i wasnt listening, repeat." "nevermind..." "no wait, did you say i dont make you feel special" "maybe...just...whatever" "oh, okay" "...yeah" "so i'm pretty tired from hockey, i think i'm going to go to sleep" "oh..k.." "you sound upset, u ok?" "...yeah...whatever, don't worry about it" "k, goodnight." "...nite."