i won a fishy!! and then robb bought me one :) lu ling kim and carl =) < 333333333

I want to live where soul meets body And let the sun wrap its arms around me And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing And feel, feel what its like to be new Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations So they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited than here And I cannot guess what we'll discover When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s And not one speck will remain And I do believe it’s true That there are roads left in both of our shoes But if the silence takes you Then I hope it takes me too So brown eyes I hold you near Cause you’re the only song I want to hear A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere where soul meets body...

i feel trapped. i wish so much that i could just get away from him and everything that has happened. "who cares?" I CARE.. why is that not important to him that i care?

it had to happen and it's going to be okay.

i want someone who is willing put up with me, through the good and the bad. one who will fight to keep it all going when things get tough. because when you love someone, you just don't give up.

so i'm pretty sure i got the job today. i would be working with marilyn and that would be fun. i needed a job badly, i can't believe i went so long without one. well, whatever. ugh summer school classes are coming up and i am getting way nervous. i should be studying any free time i get but i'm so lazy. i could sleep, be on the computer..doing anything..absolutely nothing and i would rather be doing nothing than studying. i'll be fine? : ) so i'm pretty sure i'll never get a scholarship.. why does everything need to be soo expensive? and why is gas $4.60?

it really hasn't hit me yet, but i know soon it will. i think that half of me feels like it didn't happen and the other half feels like it did. or at least i would like to believe that, and that i'm handeling it so well. i can't deal with the temper tantrums anymore, i've given it two years of my life and i don't want to be the girl who had to wait around for him to change. i don't want to be the one to change myself. i feel like all he does is complain about me. my mom was right "once you cross that line of respect, there is no going back" the fact that we have both said our fair share of things that were totally uncalled for, and just disrespectful.. i don't see us having respect for either one of us. it's like one of those things where we are dying to hold onto any piece that will survive, but we're only hurting ourselves. i don't want to point fingers, because i know i've contributed to where this relationship has gone.. but he changed, he's not the person i fell in love with. he's lazy now, doesn't do anything for me anymore..and i'm not even asking for much. he's all talk, disrespectful, and i definitly never saw his angry side..but now that i've seen it over this year and a half, he definitly has an anger problem. smoking,drinking and drugs is all he's about. and his band. and i'm nowhere on that list. i want to support his band so much but how can i do that when i know that after the show his friends are going to surround him and then leave me out? and he will suck into it because he won't think about where i am, how i thought about how well he played..all he wants is his friends input. and the more i think about all this and everything he does that i don't like in general, i realize he has changed. and because of this it's affecting our relationship and that's not what i want. his whole outlook on life is that "a sober life is not fun" which sounds soo stupid to me.. i feel bad that people have to be under the influence of something in order to have fun, i feel bad for those people. i was born with a natural high on life. i could lay on the grass in the park on a hot summer day, eating a popsicle and listening to the ocean waves crash onto the sand. and that would be enough for me. it's not that our relationship died, it's that he changed..

the movie the sexy and the city was beyond amazing!

happy happy birthday to amanda and HELLO kottonmouth kings concert tonight.

catalina went amazing. things are going downhill, this really surprises me because it was going so well. SO well. i got straight A's this semester, i'm way pumped. 195/200 on my math test. :) tomorrow is a beach day with amanda. i need it so bad, i neeeed to just get away. and i can't wait to transfer.

soo i am going to new jersey on the 27th! moms treat : ) because i was doing so good in college. yay i am so puuummpppeeeddd. catalina island, kingspade AND new jersey! woo. i love my bestie< 333333

i don't know what to think anymore, it was so beautiful.. and now it's just...where did it come from?

i want my boyfriend to see me. i want him to spend time with me. the excuses aren't cutting it for me anymore. i don't feel like i'm in a relationship and i don't feel cared about, wanted, or loved. i need someone i can connect with, but i don't feel that way with him at all. we don't connect. he's not there for me at all, whatsoever. he's pissy and bipolar and selfish and ignorant. i want him to believe me, but he never does.i don't want the 15 minute breaks or the 2 hour days. i want a whole fucking day. i want to do something special. sometimes i think this trip i'm spending so much money on is a waste of money and time. because i know i won't get anything in return and i know he isn't going to be any nicer to me. shit just isn't working out. i hate saying that and i never thought the day would come for me to say that. but it is. it has come. now the day is slowly creeping by where it's just going to end and i know i have to be the one to do it. it's all up in the air right now. fate and time. ?

i can't keep going on living my life like this. he abuses me emotionally and i honestly can't stand it. i don't know how i hve been able to. i am falling OUT of love with him every time he talks to me like this. "thats dumb. why did you have to talk like that. that sounds stupid. that is stupid.." i CANNOT say it enough, but when someone is venting to you and you're on the fucking phone with them, how they talk to someone else.. maybe me bianca amanda and brooke are the only real people here, BUT WHAT THE FUCK ? i'm sorry i'm the only respectful person here and i know how to say HOLD ON. i donkt now.. there is just something about it when someone picks YOU, out of everyone.. to talk to you about their problems and their venting and shit, they're not going to want to repeat themselves.. you better fucking give your full attention to them. THATS JUST A LITTLE THING CALLED RESPECT. i'm sorry but no fucking excuse covers it, i don't want to hear it. it's all bullshit so FUCK YOU!! i know i deserve bettter. this is definitly abuse in some form. it's just getting me to that point to let go. that's so hard but i need it. i know i do. he's got to be bipolar. i can't live like this anymore. i'm definitly not in love anymore. i know this, i can feel it. he's a changed person and i can't keep waiting for him to change back. i can't change him, and he can only change himself. letting go has never been so hard.

my mom hasn't spoken to me since i got my lip pierced. which was 5 days ago today. immature much? haaaa. whatever.. i can't wait to get out of here anyways. & why the hell can't my friends do me favors when i go out of my way to do them favors? that just pisses me off. and why are the "real ones" giving me reason to doubt them? this is just frustrating. i love that me and amanda are becoming closer. and brooke. only 4 more weeks of school and i can't wait to get out. please just let it be summer and then please let me be able to transfer in january.

i'm really bothered by the heat.. well, only at night because then i can't sleep and i end up sleeping during the day. so then i definitly can't sleep at night. boo. and all i'm thinking about is a breakfast burrito at burger barn tomorrow, god damn. i can't even remember the last time i put money into my savings account.. i really really need to stop spending money so much. it's getting really bad and now i do it just to do it. which is definitly not good.. espically if i want to move out. if i do all the summer classes, i could probably end up transfering in january.. decisions, decisions.. i might as well go for it. fuck i wish it was sooner. i wish it was all and done and over with. god damn.. everything will be wonderful someday...

shit fuck. okay so i don't know how i'm going to do it the next whatever days until the 13th comes along. two years and thats all gone. i miss it so much. and tonight is going to be a huge mistake, i feel it already but i don't care. i want it so badly. this isn't going to be good because either he's going to be sweet as hell afterwards or he is going to be a dick. fuck i don't know but i can't wait. i'm dying for the clock to fast forward already and just let it happen. where though and how. this is gonig to be beautiful i'll make it beautiful and make it work. i'll make it fascinating. afterall that one kiss lead to this and now its oging to be perfect. i just want it to be back to normal again but better. i'm going to get ready and just be fuckin bangin. its going to be beautiful !

i don't know why this is getting harder. probably because i'm trying way harder than i should to not let it affect me, and i know i'm doing a good job but then a second later i break down. i gave him way too much. he makes it look so easy. its so hard to believe he changed and just, everything is just the way it is. i can't stand this. and i feel like shit crying becaues i don't want to be the friend who is constantly crying abou this. i want people to be around me, i don't want them to be annoyed but i feel thats all i am is just a fucking annoying person.

i've been crying so much these past few days that my eyes are permanetly red even if i'm not crying. how does someone just get a "change of heart" ? that doesn't make any sense to me.. i miss him so much.. :( two years down the fucking drain.

i guess putting yourself out there on a dating site after telling me and promising me you didn't want a girlfriend. you weren't ready.and you weren't looking for one. ARE YOU JUST LOOKING FOR SEX? hahahah thats soo fucking fuuuuuuuunnny! how are you going to get to them? ride on your little cute skateboard? huh? thats cute.. really is. i must say... you are fucking impressing me.