www.sitdiary.net/hellboy - (Last 5 Entries) http://sitdiary.net/hellboy/ A feed of hellboys diary entries on sitDiary. Mon, 23 Oct 2017 15:15:58 CDT http://www.sitdiary.net/ apples http://sitdiary.net/hellboy/?cmd=view_entry&eid=2926 Fri, 29 Sep 2017 2:02:50 CDT Everything's good. Mostly. Headache http://sitdiary.net/hellboy/?cmd=view_entry&eid=2926 Mon, 11 Sep 2017 4:04:43 CDT Grinding my Jaw again a lot since a week or so my head is detonation everything few seconds.<br>Hope that there not to many victims of Irma.<br>-be well eightofnine http://sitdiary.net/hellboy/?cmd=view_entry&eid=2926 Wed, 6 Sep 2017 2:02:00 CDT Darn, another Post not visible anymore :) A pity. I liked them and sometimes i re-read due to language issues. Soup http://sitdiary.net/hellboy/?cmd=view_entry&eid=2926 Mon, 4 Sep 2017 8:08:44 CDT Woot! i started a new online Journal today on a german site which still has a community.<br>Actually i'm not sure if i need a new community, niether will i give a fuck if it happens to be no member of it - as long as i can write in german sometimes.<br>I'll never be untrue to you dear sitd, i promise.<br>Gonna start sorting that alphabet soup today. Backflip http://sitdiary.net/hellboy/?cmd=view_entry&eid=2926 Fri, 1 Sep 2017 10:10:19 CDT After i was totally apathic, on drugs, isolated and far from social competence i finally made a therapy when i was 18. The Therapy helped me over the 5 years i went through it and i finally started living....somehow.<br>Today i startet my second appointment on my new therapy - which i initially did for my wife, to reflect my behavior. It's the same therapist, so the opening is quite easy, she already knows my past and i think i can start now on working out to be a kid of alcoholics. With all the side effects that comes with that when you grow up in such an environment. I lie and its normal for me, i keep troubles inhouse and never let the curtain fall in public for problems which are haunting at home. I seem to get it.<br>Maybe it's that im not able to have a relationship due to this. Maybe i can fix myself. Whatever.<br>I don't do this for me, not for my wife either, but for my kids - they shall not live emotionally disguised.<br>There is one Picture i always loved from the catholics: the Pelican which feeds its breed with is own flesh. I always liked that and tried to sacrifice myself for others: my friends, my wife, my kids. Latter are the most important in this metaphore.&nbsp; I don't know if i re-invent myself and probably it was all true, what i thought i'd be when i was younger. Maybe it's just that the role i'm playing since i was a kid implements to have a happy life, be a working man and have a house, family, car, tractor, barn and all that shit. It's all not important, for when i die i just want to leave my kids back as proper human beings, with their heads up high. My Dad always fed his own flesh to him.<br>I remember when i was a kid, i used to be at my Grandma's place every holidays, i stayed there then for 3 weeks or more, i loved her and she loved me. I always wondered, why she wasn't drinking, why there wasnt any beer or booze in the cellar or the fridge. No wine in the afternoon or empty booze flasks everywhere stashed in the barn as it was at my parents place. She told me once as i asked her:'because it's not necessary, i don't drink that stuff'. I didn't understand that. I just couldnt, because it was normal to me to have this around.<br>I always thought: grown ups just always drink that stuff, like i drink water or lemonade.<br>My Dad is now dead since 10 Years and i sometimes still find empty flasks at my mum's place, which were stashed by him. Then i sigh. I don't think often of him, but i always remember him, when i see an empty bottle of booze laying aomewhere. He decided for that, took my mum with into that, hell yes, she is still dying slowly through her throat, not able quit drinking - BECAUSE IT's NORMAL FOR HER.<br>Thing which hurts the most is, that in fact my childhood disappears and comes up as a cheat.<br>My Wife uses this often against me. When we're arguing the sentence 'i know where you come from' mostly silences me and throws me in a hole - just shortly i fall and feel my stomach turn - then i grab my dad while i fall and hold on his positive abilities and the hole is spitting me out again. I cannot fall through to the bottom and have a hard landing, because i dont want my good memories to be smashed in the dark and let them be shattered like eggshell - don't want to loose my heart. Fact seems to be: i have to realise what happened and accept that without having the fear to destroy my memories. I don't know if you know what i mean, do you?