www.sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs - (Last 5 Entries) http://sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs/ A feed of ilickdoorknobss diary entries on sitDiary. Tue, 23 Jan 2018 21:21:44 CST http://www.sitdiary.net/ 7/ Fear http://sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs/?cmd=view_entry&eid=4135 Tue, 23 Jan 2018 3:03:57 CST I'm afraid I wont be strong enough not to contact him at some point. But i dont want to. One day at a time. I'm trying to remember that when I feel the urge to know how he is doing.. to know its ok to let God handle it. Trusting God is hard anyways but this feels impossible sometimes. Not that I've ever been able to protect Max from himself.. and I dont have any children but.. the only way I can describe the anxiety is like having a newborn baby and then having it taken away immediately and told it will be fine.. you can see your baby in a few months. we're not going to tell you where it is or who its with. Just trust us, its fine. I mean its different because I dont think I will ever see him again. I don't want to. I don't want to want to.<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm afraid of myself. I have boy cried wolf syndrome. I realized recently that I've been wanting him to "say what he means and mean what he says" for so long that I didnt realize that I had the same problem.. not in general like he obviously did. But I would say he couldnt hurt me anymore, and then let him. And I would try to be open about my feelings and frustrations and what I needed, but as we talked more and he broke me down more and more.. i would withdrawal into myself and pretend I could handle anything.<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm afraid of living my mothers life. I feel bad for saying that but at least she got a family. I want a family. I am 31. Now it wont happen. I dont want to date yet but if I started I am pretty much already considered desperate for a family just by age alone. But why is that a bad thing? I hate that word.. desperate:&nbsp;feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. I'm not desperate. I know, especially after the last 3 -4 years, that no situation is too bad as to be impossible to deal with. I can accept if I don't have a family. But I want one with all my heart and I will grieve the idea of it when it really does become too late. I dont think its a bad thing to know what you want. I wish I hadn't sabbatoged my marriage. I wish I had been more cautious with Max. I thought I was.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I am the new phone list person for another group. So now I am the secretary for Monday night group and phone list person for Sunday night.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I've been wondering why I've been feeling so.. out of control.. i wrote down all the meetings i could remember going to.. 10. 10 since i got here on the 24th of december. that's 10/30 days. I know it seems like a lot to anyone not in the program but for me.. i immediately knew why i havent felt as strong as i did to carry all these decisions out like i did in eau claire. I've been struggling so much. in eau claire i sometimes went to 2 a day. I mean and thats only because only 2 were available. i really was desperate for something back in november/december. I went to meetings almost everyday, sometimes 2 a day, for a month and I felt amazing. even on horrible days I felt something i cant explain. I dont feel it anymore. I mean i get bits here and there of that feeling. but its so short lived and it feels less. but I'm starting to get to know the people here more.. its starting to feel more homey.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Max and I stopped talking Friday and I've gone to a meeting 3 days in a row. I always dread going and love staying. I feel better after. even if its a small improvement. even if it only lasts for the meeting.. its a nice break from constant anxiety. and being around people who just "get it". My friends don't understand. I told someone tonight at the meeting "they don't understand the pull they have".. as she nodded her head profusely in agreement. She told me no one there will ever judge me for the decisions I make. Its so strange because if I am really honest with myself, its THAT nonjudgement that really helped most i think. Its that "you know what to do" attitude in general from the group that helped me get there on my own. And, my amazing well meaning friends.. i love them.. but it was their "what the hell jeni? Why?... but he did this and that.. and havent you had enough..." and on and on and on.. and it was my stubborn nature whispering in my ear "prove them wrong" or "you're not a failure" or "they'll all say I told you so". Never mix love with stubbornness.<br>&nbsp;<br>My anthropology class is a little scary. I mean in other classes its a clear question and a clear answer. I mean even in english classes, or political science where you hve to give your opinion.. its really mostly base don the writing and effort and for the most part there are a lot of facts and statistics in polisci to draw from. It is and it isnt opinion based. The statistics arent theories. Anthropology and evolution and such.. its all theories and opinions and I'm going to be graded on it.. i feel like I'mgoing to be ripped to pieces just for enrolling in a class i needed. I hate talking about religion or politics anywhere but here, with very close family/friends, or.. yep thats it. I do not enjoy debating my values and beliefs. And I don't like being perceived as trying to talk others out of theirs or risk offending people just by saying how i feel about mine. I dont know.<br>&nbsp;<br>Good news is I am almost definitely going to get an A in my Java class. i mean i know its early but its being taught by an instructor i had last semester and she was amazing and I got an A. I just love her teaching style and I have never said that about any teacher, ever. And I'm doing great in spanish. I am taking such random classes but theyre necessary for transfer I guess. sometimes i feel like its a waste of time. But everything I am doing is good.. I mean I've always wanted to.. &nbsp;scratch that.. I've always been told I should learn spanish and I've never actualy wanted to. I've always been adamantly against it. But I have always wanted to learn A language. So why not spanish.<br>&nbsp;<br>I am afraid i have procrastinated with this court stuff too long. But idk what to do. It overwhelms me. I need to just do it. I wish kodi could stay here on his own.. but now he is being a little jerk and digging in the grass. a lot. like a huge hole. idk what to do about it.<br>&nbsp;<br>I think he has separation anxiety due to.. well several things. all the change, moving here, the dogs here dont want to play with him, and losing max. i mean max was a part of his life since the day i got him. minus 2 months and since i left in dec he was a part of 10 out of 14 months of his life. I need to get him into some dog training classes.<br>&nbsp;<br>I need a lot of things.. i just havent had any motivation or energy. extreme brain fog. extreme fatigue. Insomnia. I know I'm depressed. But unlike other bouts of depression, I'm staying on top of self care for the most part and pther responsibilities. especially school.<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm afraid my car is going to crap out.. i need an oil change. and a tune up. its making weird noises. it was supposed to last me another 10 years. instead.. i drove it to and from wisconsin 2 times. and to and from missouri to wisconsin like 6 times.<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm afraid all my hair is going to turn white by the time i'm 35. only a couple here and there right now but still.<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp; 6/ Commitment http://sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs/?cmd=view_entry&eid=4135 Tue, 16 Jan 2018 4:04:47 CST So I went to an alanon tonight at 7:30. I've only been to 2 since being here. It was the one I went to before. Its an ok meeting I guess. Small and a little.. idk. I cant describe what its lacking but it is. It isnt the size that's the problem. I've been to some great small meetings before. I dont know.<br>&nbsp;<br>Well tonight was interesting. Some alcoholic/ addicts came. 2 men and one of their wives who was not an alcoholic or addict. So. I guess they thought they were attending an AA meeting. I mean, alanon meetings are open to AA and NA members so its ok thta they were there. but it was awkward in a lot of ways for me. On one hand I'm glad they were there because i think it is important for AA and NA members to learn as much as they can about alanon too. The focus is always on them and their sobriety but how it affects the people around them is a part of it. ANd i think "double dippers" who do both programs generally have more success. At least from what i have heard from them. And if alcoholism and addiction (which I'll just refer to both as addiction from here on...) are genetic.. then the majority of these addicts will have their own "qualifiers" and things to deal with in that sense.<br>&nbsp;<br>...Side note... about the whole genetic thing. I dont knwo how much of that i believe. I definitely think theres something to it. And if you agree its 100% genetic then its easy to call it a disease.. but what about the people who grew up in addiction free homes, unaffected by addiction. Do they also have a disease? There's definitely a propensity i guess when in your family's history. But it is also a lifestyle and a choice. A combination of all and who knows to what degree.<br>&nbsp;<br>Anyways so on the otehr hand i didnt want them there. i got a bad vibe from the husband of the woman. When I walked in i walked around to the empty seat that was opposite the door because i dont like having my back facing the door. Also the seat was cushioned and the others were not. And they seemed more spread from the other chairs then the other spots. Anyways the seat was next to a young woman and the husband.. who as i sat down he stood up and walked over to the seat next to his friend. Which.. most people would wonder why. I knew exactly why. That's probably because he doesnt want to make his wie uncomfortable. which seems nice. but really why would it matter. unless he had been a fucked up pos. That sort of thought to things like that come from excessive disception. Having to compensate in these little ways.<br>&nbsp;<br>Well it had been 4 or 5 days since i had been to one.. i you're not counting this other program i went to on friday where my mom was the speaker. so i cried. i dont really cry much at meetings anymore but i guess i had a lot pent up. especially right now.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Max ignored me for a week and a half. He finally responded in an email on the 10th but i didnt even see it until the 13th. then a couple days ago we spoke on the phone. and idk. I'm confused. I was so angry all week. We were just talking a week and a half ago with no agenda. No plan. Just as friends i guess. But we arent friends. And after a week and a half of being ignored.. this time for no reason. absolutely no reason.. why would I want to? It was beyond words. The onyl way to not feel extreme anxiety every second was to remain distracted. School started last week and that was really good because i dont know whati would have done if it hadn't. My friend Melissa has been amazing. We met at alanon in st paul. She's become one of my best friends and in a lot of ways she is because she is the nly person who can truly understand all this. she gives me advice, encouragement, lets me vent, cry, she is just there for me when i need her. And I'm there for her. I think we were brought together for a reason. "God doesnt give you more than you can handle" and without her I wouldnt have been able to.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Talking to max has been hard. I told him i wasnt angry that we werent talking or not together. it was the randomness. the ignoring me. completely cutting me off with no explaination. He apologized.. a lot. Tried to answer all my millions of questions. No one affects me like this. Not even Brett when i was obsessed with him. Not Tim. No one. I have theories of why that that I've created in times of silence. But my love for him is real and pure. However unhealthy we have been, are.. i wish i didnt but if im really 100% honest i dont wish that. He's what I want. I know if we never spoke again, i could move on and be happy. i could find passion. i could find something special. But it would be lacking. i can wish we never met. But i cannot wish i didnt want him. I know how stupid i am for it though. He's been really.. on top of doing what he says he will.. like beore he would say he will call in an hour and then 3 hours go by and i text him asking if he is ok and an hour later he was "sleeping". but he's been calling when he says he will. he doesnt seem annoyed to spend time with me.. maybe its because the day we talked, he had been to a meeting that morning. first one in a week. it all just seems helpless. i feel foolish. i even said at the meeting that i didnt want to talk because i was embarrassed to admit that i had been talking to him again.. not just since bbeing in CA but especially the last couple days.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>But there was a lady there who put it into words that i couldnt. its simple but true. She said her and her boyfriend were rocky. he isnt the addict in her life. her son is. but its causing problems in her relationship and her boyfriend asked her if she wanted to break up. She said to him that she is "too exhausted to do either" she cannot give him more right now because she has no energy. But also, breaking up requires a lot of energy. practical and emotional. and that's how i feel right now. It took so much for me to leave wisconsin. everything i had. and when i fgot here i got the flu and was depressed. and then school started. and max in and out since new years. sometimes i think i should just cut him off and we shoudlnt talk. But part of alanon is fousing on myself and i am trying to do that by going to school, taking care of myself, of kodi, spending time with friends and family, eating right, taking care of all the things i have to do... this last week not talking to him was so emotionally exhausting. i cant commit to that right now. it sounds stupid but.. i miss him constantly and im just not strong enough for that right now.i told him we didnt have to talk if its easier for him to stay sober or get things done if we didnt.. he had blamed me a lot for being the reason he hadnt gotten anythign done like getting a job or seing malcolm. as soon as i saidthat he said he wasnt fair when he said that. that it isnt me and withut me around he doesnt get things done and that he has to be honest iwth himself and realize he is the one to blame. he said he wanted to talk to me. that he misses me all the time. that its hard for him. which just made me angry because you dont ignore someone you miss. I know theres more to it but really theres not. a simple "i need space.. lets talk next week" would have sufficed. Im not irrational. And now he has started saying "I love you" again. I have no boundaries because i was caught off guard. So I've been trying to figure out what talking even means. We arent together but we act like it. Especially in the last couple days. I'm ashamed.. but I'm also happy. I enjoy him at his best. Well he isnt even at his best.<br>&nbsp;<br>Anyways. I also inadvertently volunteered myself to be the group secretary tonight. Mind you this was my 2nd time going to this meeting. She was asking people to fill roles because they switch who is in charge of things periodically. Not sure how often. But when she asked if anyone could be secretary no one said anything, and I didnt know what a secretary does.. so i asked out of cruiosutiy. I guess they are the ones that have the key and come 15 min early and get out the supplies. lay out the literature, set up the chairs etc. I said well if you cant find anyone else, I'll do it. But i thought she was going to ask at more meetings.. at the end she just comes up and hands me the key. I was like oh.. so this is starting now. ok. I mean its a good thing. I was just surprised. They dont even know me. Its a lot of responsibilty. But i wanted a committment role as soon as possible.. lol now is soon. I just always here alanon and AA members saying that being in a committment role was a huge thing for them. And being secretary... i dont have an excuse not to go to that meeting. So no matter what, from now on, I will hve to attend at least 1 meeting a week. I plan on attending several anyways, hopefully everyday like i was doing in eau claire. but its hard to get back into the swing of it here for some reason. in eau claire, meetings were like air. Here i go because i know i need to and should want to but there i wanted to just as much. Im sure it will come back.<br>&nbsp;<br>OK enough about all that. A lot of other random things haoppened.<br>&nbsp;<br>My mom was the speaker at a different program, similar to alanon but christian based. She asked if i would go. My brother went to. It was good. she is a good speaker. good writer. She said things abut her life that she had never told me. She has said bits and pieces but there were things i didnt know and it was really emotional. But i didnt cry. She frustrtes me so much, especially lately, being around her so much.. but i understand her a lot more. I try to have more grace for her.. she's been through a lot and she is extremely strong.<br>&nbsp;<br>i stayed at her house all weekend because of that and also i wanted her to cut my hair. andi needed to organize my stuff in the garage. but uhg. 2 days is too much time to spend together.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>my brothers dog bit my moms roommates friend. so that was weird. his dog is a pitbull. pitbulls scare me. especially the ones with the huge heads like his. He's all muscle. he seemed really unpredictable since i first saw him.. and when my mom does the "stare down" with him that she said "ceasat milan" does... i get scared he's just going to attack her face one of these times. Well they were sure they were going to have to put him to sleep after that but i guess its fine. he needs more socialization. And training. and really... idk i know people smack their dogs snout, ive even did with kodi for a little bit because he jsut doesnt listen but it doesnt help. the water bottle is more affective.. i want him to respect me not fear me. jason is aggressiv with him so why wouldnt he be an aggressive dog. he isnt abusive. but he smacks his nose... for good reason.. dont eat the bunny.. dont chase the cat. dont bite my moms friends roommate. but its like yelling at a barking dog.. you're supposed to be quiet and ignore them. dont communicate back. yelling is people barking. idk. my brother is great and all but he needs someone to tell him how to control his dog in a way that he thinks its his idea.. he's kind of stubborn.<br>&nbsp;<br>ive been here at my unclce and aunts for about a week and a half. Its been nice. The room is nice. Theyre nice. sitting on the porch doing schoolwork in warm weather while kodi runs around is nice. im so glad they agreed to let me stay here. when i first got back i didnt move in with my uncle right away. it was christmas eve so i stayed at my moms for a few days. then i got sick so i decided to stay longer until i wasnt sick anymore because liz is pregnant. i was sick with the flu for like a week. but being at my moms, sick or not, so depressing. i cant. i know that more than ever now. but here.. i feel so much more healthy here. its easier to focus on myself.<br>&nbsp;<br>I am taking the 2 classes I failed again this semester. I have a good feeling this time around. I wont be dealing with any of the same things. ANd even the max stuff, i am far enough away that as much as it affects me... it can only do so much. the java class im taking is so much better. ive had this instructor before and she is amazing. the other one just was lazy. he was very hands off.. he wrote out all these modules... like literally 10 - 15 LONG modules per week.. so much reading. they were conusing and overly detailed. He wasnt available for questions. He said if you have questions ask in the discussions forum and classmates will help. um. it isnt the job of my classmates to teach me.. its yours. This current instructor is great. she does video lectures. I learn from watching and listening. Examples. Her videos are perfect. The way she teaches is so easy to understand. Her assignments are easy to follow. And she accepts late work all the way up to the end of the semester. So I'll be getting an A. Im also retaking spanish and its going better thistime. Meeting with my partner today at 2pm. &nbsp;Its a lot of tedious time consuming work bbut its been easy. And my 3rd class is anthropology and i was worried because im a christian.. and i really dont know much about this stuff. but its been really inteteresting. And apparently there are a lot of christian anthropologist.<br>&nbsp;<br>On wednesdays we wear pink! no but on wednesday I'm going to the courthouse again to file papers. The papers i already filed! UHG.<br>&nbsp;<br>SO i had court on the 9th to finally move this divorce appeal forward. And.. IM getting sleepy.<br>&nbsp;<br>wed @ 1:30am...<br>Ok back to finish this. There's always so much and so little. And I signed on and had every intention of writing.. i was excited to.. but now im tired again at the thought. same with tonights meeting. i was excited to go and get things off my chest. first time at that meeting. but it wasnt like meetings im used to. i dont like the meetinfs where its a free for all and you &nbsp;basically just chime in when you want it to be your turn. I'm not a chimer. Not with strangers anyways. I like the ones that start at the leader and go in order left or right. easy. and you knwo what to expect. at these types of meetings where you just insert yourself wherever, especially when I'm the newest person, i always feel like everyone is looking at me. waiting for me to speak. and i do like speaking at these meetings. but i dont liek being expdcted to speak. if that makes sense. i kept going to. working myself up to. and then not. i didnt speak tonihgt. first time in several meetings. i try to always fget myself to. but something kept stopping me. i mean, i am bad in social situations. but alanon has never realy felt like a typical social situation so ive never really felt too awkward. i mean yes, to some degree, because Im me. but nothing i cant handle. maybe it was that it was so bright. or the woman there, who is very nice dont get me wrong, but she was the one who asked if i wanted to be secretary, and she showed me where teh meeting was.. but idk.. she puts off a weird vibe. shes really hard to read.idk maybe i just didnt want to feel ashamed on top of being exhausted. i felt guilty as the meeting went on.. thinking every time it took a little too long for someone to speak up, that i should have spoken up. but by the end i realized... in alanon fashion.. i dont hve to do anything i dont want to do. and just because i typically like doing something, and its like me to do something normally.. doesnt mean i have to always like it or always do it. i didnt want to tonight. And that's ok. The topic tonight was "progress" and for the first few minutes i ws racking my brain trying too figure out how I've moved forward but all i could think of were all my setbacks this week.. deciding to leave wisconsin.. andthen talking to him again. saying we should only be friends.. and then replying to his i love you's with i love you too.. and not wanting to take it back because its howi feel. good or bad its how i feel. and as long as i am taking care of myself.. i think its ok to feel how i feel. before i wasnt. i'm far away from a bad situations now. i'm focusing on what i need to do and being productive every day. even on very bad days, like when he was ignoring me, i find moments of peace and happiness.. where i couldnt have or even wouldnt have before when i was still there. i realized that, it might not be much to an outsider... but to me I've made so much progress and its ok to be proud of myself and acknowledge it, including my setbacks. i just need tobe easier on myself and forgive myself and let myself feel how i feel as long as I take care of myself. baby steps.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>so i have a commitment in place. That was a goal I wanted to accomplish and I did. Go me.<br>&nbsp;<br>I also want a sponsor as soon as possible. I just.. i had a very bad experience in st paul. I might write about it another time. but she was only my sponsor for less than a week and it was very damaging to me emotionally. at the time. I'm past it now.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>And I want to do a step a month. I realize that I shouldnt rush anything, but i predict I'll be in this program for a long time. Not just for my recovery from dealings with an alcoholic/addict but because it is an all around help to every area of my life. Especially aspergers. I mean the necessary, but safe social interaction alone has helped me a lot.<br>&nbsp;<br>anyways. i need to get up early tomorrow but i cant sleep. or i dont want to. im a little sad and anxious right now. a lot.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>i stopped by the store on the way home and got a few things. one of those things.. mochi ice cream. Mmmmm.<br>&nbsp;<br>i guess that's all. 5/ Insanity http://sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs/?cmd=view_entry&eid=4135 Fri, 5 Jan 2018 2:02:16 CST I wrote this a while ago and forgot to actually post it so here we go... probably because i didnt end up finishing. i never do though.<br>&nbsp;<br>I will never learn.<br>&nbsp;<br>I am insane. Knowing doesn't help. I don't know what it is. I can't turn it off. I hate myself for it. Even when I pull away its like a magnet. I get pulled back. With hardly any effort on his part. I love him. And he's so convincing when he tells me he loves me. Its not real. I KNOW that. But I can't stop myself.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I don't know how to explain the last few days. I've been in denial since I decided to come back to California. Maybe it wasnt so much denial though. I told Patrick tonight that it felt like I was possessed in Wisconsin. Somethings, some force, but not myself got me here somehow. Because if it were up to me I would be in wisconsin still. As crazy as that sounds. Because I wouldnt have been able to do it myself. I believe in God and so I believe it was Him who got me here I guess but even if i didnt. It wasnt me. And I wouldn't know what but its undeniable.<br>&nbsp;<br>And especially right now I dont want to give credit to God. I'm angry at him. I believe in him. I belive what I believe but I'm angry and I know it doesnt mean anything. I'm angry that it feels like it doesnt mean anything. And all those athiest out there shaking their heads. I have seen him in my life. I know what i know. I mean as stupid as is stounds to atheists that I do belive in God, I think its just as crazy that they dont.. but not even that... i can table the idea of God for a second.. do they just think we are alone? What about aliens? out of all the galaxies and universes and craziness we dont knwo about... i hope that for every person that doesnt believe in God, I hope they at least believe in aliens. I mean I dont know if I believe in aliens but i think I'm closer to believing in them than not. this entry took a weird turn.<br>&nbsp;<br>I deleted 360. Its this app that tracks your location. Max had it on his phone from a long time ago and on new years he told me to download it and i could see where he is. i was worried. I said it was fine but i was also curious and it helped.. it shouldnt come to that. needing assurance. People's words should mean something and his never did. And he was always good at finding loopholes and being sneaky anyways. So all these apps and assurance were just silly delusions. I miss being stupid. Not knowing what a liar he was. I miss him.He lies about such stupid stuff sometimes. Its like he has to reach a quota per day. Its like he has a lying fetish. BUt i deleted it. I was driving myswlf crazy.<br>&nbsp;<br>He does this lovely thing where he ignores me for random amounts of time. the other day it was 5 hours because I said "if you liked me you'd play games with me" I said this in a playful way because i asked him what he was doing and i already knew the answer. he is always on his phone. playing games. and he got upset about it. he said "mean" I said "why? You play a lot of games" and i just wanted to spend time with him and he said "ok. sorry" and then ignored me for 5 hours. Later he said sorry and that he ignored me because he said he was angry and he didnt want to be a dick to me. I asked why he got angry though. I just wanted to play games with him. And he said he cant control what will anger him. Just that he got angry and didnt want to take it out on me.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Usually when he gets angry... even if the outcome is him raging and lashing out at me in an over the top disproportionate way.. at least i can somewhat pinpoint the trigger. maybe something i said. Maybe i said a rude comment. Maybe it was even on purpose. But it doesnt warrant a response like that. a mean comment said usually because he was being mean in the first place doesnt make it ok to ignore someone 15 or more hours. But that's what happens.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>But these "mantrums" (man tantrums as I just now decided to call them) are getting crazier and less and less predictable. Not that they ever were best described as predictable. Nothing he does is. The only thing predictable about him is how unpredictable he is. Monday and tuesday night we video chatted on facebook while we slept. We used to do it a lot. Ive done it with brandon because he's my best friend and we both have anxiety and it helps us sleep. And i just miss max and he said we could. I wasnt goign to make a regular thing out of it. I knew once i move to my uncles that i wouldnt be able to talk as much. And i probably shouldnt because of how emotional it can make me. So i wanted to spend a lot of time with him. He was being so sweet. And cutesy. Taking pictures and joking with me. Flirting with me. Its crazy how awful things can get, how much trauma there has been, but how easily we can fall back into us. He's home. Anyways around 5am the call dropped and without me asking he said he would call me back. around 7am it dropped again but he was sleeping so i just went to sleep. when i woke up i asked if he was up but no response. I've been sick so i ended up falling back asleep. we played tag a couple times. he would wake up and say soemthing short. then i would. the last thing he said was "did you move today yet?" at 3pm on wednesday. And I responded but he never looked. 360 shows when you charge your phone. wednesday night he charged his phone. idk if he forgot it showed that or just doesnt care. But i knew then that he was seeing my messages and pretty blatantly ignoring me.<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp; 4/ Inventory http://sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs/?cmd=view_entry&eid=4135 Thu, 28 Dec 2017 19:19:29 CST On&nbsp;Saturday&nbsp;I move into my uncle and aunts house. I'm at mymoms right now. Its been okay. NOt terrible but I just cant be here indefinitely. We havent had any horrible fights but she just gets undermy skin sometimes. BUt right now she is being nice. She's making me soup. i dont feel good..&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I had a nice Christmas with family. I'm glad I didnt wait longer or try one more time. I mean. It wasnt up to me anyways. He said "Iwould have begged you to stay". Instead of saying goodbye to me in person he decided it was more important to drink. Yeah. So I guess he relapsed like a week after we broke up. Around Dec 7thish. When I had that medical scare and they thought I might have had a stroke or something. Which it turned out to not be a new bleed but a "old bleed" which was explained as "something I've had since birth"... "probably". I love when medical professionals use that word, don't you? Anyways, &nbsp;i told him about it and begged him to call me because I was scared. And he didnt. instead.. he used it as an excuse to relapse. That's all that was. He loves being depressed and having things fall apart and not work out and everything being "too hard" so he can sit around and tell himself "i tried" and "what did they expect". And he was trying for a lot of it.. but when I look back I really wonder if he was actually completely sober the whole time. Now that I'm coming out of the fog it gets harder to beleive he was. But then I feel so cynical and paranoid and harsh and think maybe he was.. its crazymaking.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I would skip this rambling nonsense....<br>For example... after he got out of treatment.. he got out a day before graduating. long story but he was supposed to pick me up from the airport and he told me the treatment center said it was fine. but really.. im sure he just never asked. Anywyas. So when he did ask they basically said no. And he already told me he would pick me up from the airport and he didnt have a way to contact me to change plans because his phone didnt have service or maybe i had his phone. yeah i think i had it because well thats another long story. It was this huge thing. The entire day was insane. for half the day i thought my car was stolen because i didnt know if he was in treatment or not. but my car wasnt in the lot... oh and also... the day i took him to treatment, we stopped at a gas station. And he tells me to give him $40 of the $100 he just gave me to pay me back and he will go in and pay. he comes out with a beer... I said "um wtf max, you asked me to take you to treatment and youre fucking buying a beer right now??" So i took it away like he was a tiny child and he didnt even fight it.. he was so gone. and idk WHY I didnt just throw it away. i ask myself all the time but i put it in the trunk of my car. Maybe i thought he would be mad at me or something Idk. I cant tell you. it was just a crazy day really. and wwhen things are crazy sometimes i dont make the most sense. He was high on a lot of stuff so he couldnt even get in and out of the car. so i helped him into the car as people watched. it was really embarrassing. And checked his pockets. I found a bag of blue pills. I threw that away immediately. Then i went to fill up. But nothing was happening. I told him it wasnt working... and he starts blaming the cashier for stealing. I said 'no. where is the change?' he said there was no change "she took the $20" I said "no... I gave you $40". So I go inside and he is accusing the lady of stealing. I said sorry for him and i try to figure it out but someone in that fucking station was lying to me and I couldnt prove it was the cashier and I didnt want to argue with max. imean she did seem kinda sketchy but out of the 2 only one has lied to me before so I paid her $20 to fill up. I fill up and we leave. So, that said, when he got out of treatment that day to pick me up he went to the place my car was parked and was going to pick me up the next day. he had a whole day maybe a day and a half after getting out of treatment. When he picked me up there was a bag of trash on the floor. I looked in and there was the smashed beer can. I asked him about it and he said that when he saw it in the ttrunk it ws too tempting and he wanted to drink it so he chucked it on the street instead. i bought it at the time but its complete bullshit. but whatever right.<br>&nbsp;<br>Another thing though.. after he got out we didnt really have anywhwere to go. so we went up to his family's house in hayward. no one uses it most of the year, its just for like vacationing. so we ended up staying there for about 3 months. well from time to time i would smell weed. and he would smell it too and comment on it. probably before i even did. He would be standing in the kitchen and be like "do you smell that?" yeah.. and he'd say "i wonder if i left weed up here.. i cant find it though"... he'd start standing on chairs and looking in cabinets, etc and say "but if i do I'll let you know. maybe its alicias" his sister. And then one day im cleaning, after he had just cleaned the counter and i just wiped it down one more time and there it is behind the cookie jar in the corner of the counter. And I said.. is this yours? He said no he doesnt put weed in bags like that, "it mustve been alicias". And i said ok but you didnt see it?? Youve cleaned the counter a lot.. he said no he didnt see it. But i dont know. thats the perfect cover. to say he smells it. to be the first one to smell it. and act like he doesnt know where its from. so if i smell it i dont think he knows. and idk. it doesnt matter. Just little things like that.. alll the time.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Its just sad. I just want him to be content. Not have to do what he does. I love him. I wish I could fix him but even from the beginning I always knew that wasnt my place to do that. He has to want to. He has to do the work. And I think soemtimes he was. But not nearly as mcuh as I thoguth he was. He couldnt stop lying. He even lied about smoking cigerettes, right to my face. So why wouldnt he lie about worse. I told him I didnt care if he smoked anymore, as long as he didnt lie about it. Sometimes I think he just likes lying.<br>&nbsp;<br>I just feel stupid. I have had a broken heart before. And you always get that feeling of "i wish we never met" but i always end up getting over that and being happy for my experiences with that person. Because its usually mutual or i understand or eventually i realized we werent meant to be. But i really do wish we never met. Because I cant shake the feeling that he is the "one". he is mine. Im his. And its hard to have that feeling when I cannot be with an addict. At least i cant be with a liar. I could have handled the relapses. I know that sounds crazy but I knew they would happen at least for the first year and up to 4. I mean I prepared myself mentally for the relapses. Its everything else I didnt preapre for. &nbsp; I wasnt prepared for the lies to continue. He always blamed his lying on the drugs and alcohol. So either he was still doing it all and never stopped thus never being able to stop lying or he lied about lying and was just a lying liar. Either way sucks. if that even made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.<br>&nbsp;<br>I miss him constantly. Even though the end months were horrible. I've never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone and I know I wont be ever again because I cannot imagine someone being that way to anyone. I dont know why he is so convincing when he says he loves me and wants me after all these awful situations.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>i feel like an addict.<br>&nbsp;<br>they say take a girl on an exciting date because then she will associate those exciting feelings with you. They also say that excitement and stress trigger the same feelings. SO being with an addict is stressful... but thats a close feeling to excitement. so then my braind associates being with him as being exciting - good or bad still exciting and i think the body cant tell which is which. maybe. idk really and Im too lazy to go google it for 5 hours right now. becauser thats exactly what i would do. spend 5 hours researching exactly that and it doesnt even really matter.<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>New Years is coming up.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>----------------------------------------<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>so.. happy new year sit diary.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I need to stop starting entries if I cannot commit to finishing them in one go. I started this one on the 28th. Its Jan 1st. And. My new years was uneventful. the last 3 - 4 days I have had an awful cold.<br>&nbsp;<br>I walked into the kitchen the other day to get the juice my mom got me and i almost fainted again. i grabbed the table for support and she's just sitting there just talking away like she doesnt even see me. And everything is turning gray just loke it did when i fainted at the motel. And it scared me. I was determined not to faint and start shouting at her to stop. stop what idk. Just stop. Talking. moving. whatever she was doing was not ok at the time and making it worse. And i finally am seeing colors again enough to move from the table to start walking back to my room but i make it to the hall and slide down the wall and have a meltdown. And she comes over and tells me she read that she knows that i dont want to be touched but that its what is good for me and is it ok if she hugs me. and the thing about that is.. she is absolutely right. I do not want to be touched. by anyone when that happens. Except max. before it was tim. Idk if its a signifigant other thing or a personality thing. idk. but thats all. and really i wouldnt want tim to even if he wanted to. so really its max. ANd the other thing about hugging.. its just fine. i actually like hugs in the right situation. &nbsp;but there is just something about my mom. and i mean i feel kinda of bad about this, and i dont know why, but hugging her is extremely stressful for me. so i resisted. but she's her. and it was awful as expected. but i was trying. and it eventually ended and her roommate heard and I was embarrassed. I dont like having meltdowns. what autistic person does.. but. I really dont like having them in front of people. Especially when one is my mother. All week I've missed max. I didnt think i could miss him more until then.<br>&nbsp;<br>We have been talking since New years Eve. We arent together. But. I wish we could be. I cant be with him when he's at scotts. When he says with his mouth that I'm right and he shouldnt be there but he wont go anywhere else. He says its his only option. He relapsed. He could.. and should go back to treatment. I used to say go with family but I really think he needs more inpatient treatment. There's pepole in there for several months when they just do 1 thing. Yeah his drug of choice was meth. but he did pretty much everything apparently. yeah, i didnt know until later. i dont like looking at statistics. i dont like being realistic about what might happen. Because it cant. i know people would think im psychotic for talkign to him after everything. But when I dont its just a count down until I can. Even at my best during those times.. idk I've even been happy. But then we talk and it feels like I had been trying to breathe under a mountain of football players and didnt know it. Idk. something changed. or Maybe when I started going to alanon its not that something changed in him but I could see his intentions more clearly. I hope thats not it. im not sure whats worse though. If he was never that serious about it, that sucks because him saying he hit rovk bottom was just a lie but its hopeful in a way that.. he still has the potential to hit hisrock bottom. Im scared of what that would take for him though. If april wasnt it. On the other hand, if something just changed... i think thats worse. how many rock bottoms does it take? and if you can hit rock bottom and keep going back.. i mean he didnt do meth. his relapse was with weed and alcohol but he agreed that if he stayed there it might happen.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I just dont get how the whole "say no to drugs" talk didn't take for some people. I mean I made fun of it in my head during. But apparently it made a subconcious impact. Although I was never actually offered anything. In fact someone told me they wouldnt give me drugs because they were "afraid what might happen"... people seemed to always assume I was either high or drunk anyways. I snack like I always got the munchies, I'm just a little too clumbsy, random by default, and idk.. I think the last few years that's changed somewhat though.. sometimes I wonder if people think I am an addict/alcoholic by association. Not people at AA. They seem to know the difference. Its not that hard really. But like law enforcement and professionals. the people at the treatment center. idk.<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm about to contradict myself because i just said I don't get it. but that isnt true. i get it. everyone is an addict. i mean it isnt a complete contradiction because i get addiction but i dont get addiction to drugs. I feel I'm addicted to max. I know I am in love with him. But there's also something else. I have a really addictive personality. Everyone does to an extent. Even if your addiction is laying on your ass doing absolutely nothing.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Doing sitD right in the new year. just like the good ol' days. Rambling incoherent nonsense as far as the eye can seeeee.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Don't worry.. I'm done talking about max for now.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I haven't done pretty much anything since being back. I;ve been sick but so what.<br>&nbsp;<br>Although yesterday I decided to do some challenges. 100 days of squats, 100 days of push ups, 100 days of learning Nuvole Bianche on guitar, 100 days of using charcol with my toothpaste.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I started the squats and guitar yesterday. I want to squat 100 pounds. which isnt much but i can barely do an air squat. I want a big butt. God didn't give me much to work with but that. Imean I like my hair. But after the last 2 years I'm pretty sure I'll be completely gray this time next year.<br>&nbsp;<br>I read that squatting can actually make you shorter. Which. Is not ok for a person like me. I'm 5 3/4". So I need to start doing yoga again.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>Nuvole Bianche is so beautiful. Sometimes I listen to it on repeat while I study. Speaking of that.. i should register for classes. I failed 2 of 3 last semester. uhg. I got an A in the 3rd one but it was easy.<br>&nbsp;<br>Oh. Right. I move into my uncle and aunts house today. I'm nervous about it but excitedish. I hope kodi behaves. He's been a nightmare here sometimes. But maybe because of all the change. And I have been sick so I havent been able to do things with him as much. i think their backyard is more grass so he wont do what he does here and just roll in the dirt nonstop. every time i go out there he is literally just rolling around like he knows how white he is and how fun it is to brush him after he does these things.<br>&nbsp;<br>I have a weird feeling. I can't figure it out. I keep wanting to write about it but it isnt translating into words. Maybe in a few days I'll know what it was about.<br>&nbsp; 3/ Anger http://sitdiary.net/ilickdoorknobs/?cmd=view_entry&eid=4135 Mon, 11 Dec 2017 14:14:26 CST Its been a hell of a week.<br>&nbsp;<br>Actually its been a hell of the last 2 days. But the week prior was great. wonderful even. I had tiny setbacks and felt little pains of sadness and doubt and hurt but not like usual in this situation.<br>&nbsp;<br>I dont know where to start or what to say.<br>&nbsp;<br>Max and I broke up on dec 1st. It feels like longer. It hasnt even been 2 weeks. Ive been doing really good. Not just saying it. I've been going to alanon meetings every day. and keeping in contact with people. and I've even been happy about it.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>he keeps doing this to me. Kicking me out. Or leaving. And it was one thing before but now its winter. In wisconsin. I spent Thanksgiving without him when I could have been with my own family. He promised this wouldnt happen for Chrtstmas.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>schoool. alanon. max. friends. living. andrew. airbnb<br>&nbsp;<br>------------------------------------------------------------------<br>&nbsp;<br>I started writing this entry weeks ago.. i didnt even finish.. at the end i wrote things i was going to write about and never got to them.<br>&nbsp;<br>I guess its fitting that I never finished it. Because I've had a hard time getting past my anger lately. Its not like I expected myself not to be angry. But I've been dealing with it in a mostly non psychotic way until I started this entry.. and ever since.. I've just sort of lost it.<br>&nbsp;<br>So much has happened since I first started this entry. This last month has been so crazy.<br>&nbsp;<br>I pushed him away with anger. And people "don't blame me" because of "all the trauma" I've endured. And "of course" you're angry. But this last week I've just said evil things. I have been mad before, I've been really mean before.. not like this. And I mean he's said evil things to me. Done evil things. Been generally evil. The fact that he has him amazingly sweet moments only makes his overall evilness that much more evil. And I say evil and not mean because its on another level than meanness. And I got to that level this week.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>I moved back to california. I am so tired. I'll probably add to this later.<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;