www.sitdiary.net/perfectblue - (Last 5 Entries) http://sitdiary.net/perfectblue/ A feed of perfectblues diary entries on sitDiary. Tue, 21 Nov 2017 15:15:01 CST http://www.sitdiary.net/ time http://sitdiary.net/perfectblue/?cmd=view_entry&eid=27854 Mon, 4 Sep 2017 15:15:19 CDT there was a time when i was counted, i was visible and all that surrounded me was as it was. now i sit in this golden cage. no trouble of any kind. my name is clear. even the poorest aren't labeled "clandestine". my question is what else? how else? i gave up my tongue to assimilate. i sacrificed community. my roots. what else. what else is needed. how much more is needed? everything that i have, all that i have accomplished has been done with the help from people that care. there has been no aid from the government or state. what else. what else. what else.<br>rhetorical questions. all of them. i know the answers. the world owes me nothing. i owe the government and state nothing. those that have stepped in to lessen the burden are all blood. even within them there's disorder.&nbsp;<br>another lifetime of limbo.<br>it really fucks with my paradigm. this "other" label. being on the outside. hiding. the secrets. fear of being followed, watched, discovered.<br>&nbsp; the turn http://sitdiary.net/perfectblue/?cmd=view_entry&eid=27854 Sun, 27 Aug 2017 2:02:39 CDT I still remember the music. I remember a few words that were exchanged, the night. why today? why? At least this time my knees didn't give in. What could I do? I saw you turn, I turned away. It was a mixture of fear and repulsion. Curiosity brought my gaze back. It was you. why were you still here? i'm so glad everything's online. It was too much. fuck. hm http://sitdiary.net/perfectblue/?cmd=view_entry&eid=27854 Sat, 1 Jul 2017 4:04:14 CDT there is no certificate, degree, or anything else that can change it. the pieces have fallen into place and now i watch in repulsion. what happened? how did we get here? what did we do? this is madness. no arrangement of words can change them. how easy it must be to resort to that. their chances of getting caught are slim. my vision shouldn't wander too far, I lie-I do it every day and i've done it for the last year. i've lied about so much. i'm afraid of dissapointing them. what would happen if they knew? no sleep for months and months. i'm about ready to break this pedastal.<br>is this what it is to be an adult? to accept the worst and live on with all these incongruencies? this is why everyone's sick. i want out. this isn't for me.the medication i'm on numbs everything. i'm disconnected from my body; the world could end tomorrow and i could care less. i don't deserve all of this. i lie. i've lied. i keep lying. i've become what i despise in so many ways.<br>i'll never forget the night. august 3rd. 12 am. 2012. i had a blind faith in this person. i actually believed they valued our friendship. he was my mentor. i thought he saw something in me. from then on its been the same stupid story over and over again. i've watched each person just stand their with their desire. disgusting. each time its happened a little light goes off and the world shrinks. how easy it is for them to take. fucking leeches.<br>i want to know if there's more to this than what i see. every part of me wishes for something more than this. all i have left is a shell of what used to be-the parts that make up the whole are no where to be found. if i don't have my word what the fuck do i have???? what makes me less repulsive????&nbsp;<br>&nbsp; howl http://sitdiary.net/perfectblue/?cmd=view_entry&eid=27854 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 2:02:14 CDT No i don't want to keep doing this. sweep me away, let me float on out of this. everything feels so heavy. i'm going to miss this buffer. it's time to let go for a bit and try something else for a change.<br>&nbsp;<br>but really i'm just waiting to dissolve.<br>the day will come. http://sitdiary.net/perfectblue/?cmd=view_entry&eid=27854 Thu, 5 Jan 2017 2:02:48 CST as the years go by i close more and more windows, doors, anything that would give away the secrets. i have become so bitter. i have scars everywhere, my skin is thick and the memories of how my skin came to be stiffen my spine-i do not move. all these years, all these fucking years. the weight of what's meant to protect me in this world is holding me captive-i want to break free.