www.sitdiary.net/shadowsoul - (Last 5 Entries) http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/ A feed of shadowsouls diary entries on sitDiary. Tue, 23 May 2017 17:17:12 CDT http://www.sitdiary.net/ [136] Break Down http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Thu, 18 May 2017 3:03:23 CDT So I'm posting again - in less than a month. No, it's not a holiday or my birthday. :P<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm hella nervous. Part of my whole year of improvement means I had to make a doctor's appointment to fix a few issues I've had for a while on top of...the appointment to take my GED test. Yup.<br>So of course I'm freaking out and my anxiety is fucking with me. I hate it. I wish I could be normal and not have my own mind try and drive me crazy. -_-<br>&nbsp;<br>I'm just worried because if I fail this test, it'll severely set me back. I need to pass it so I can move forward with my life and be where I need to be. Where I want to be.<br>And I've studied a shit ton. I've taken every practice test and gotten in the 80th percentile (you only need 70th to pass) but I still feel nervous. And I wish I could just not.<br>jivfpvpjvjvoaajofvjopa<br>&nbsp;<br>Wish me luck, I guess. [135] Real Me, Inside http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Mon, 8 May 2017 3:03:53 CDT Heya, Sit Diary!<br>So things have been going great lately (which is also probably why I haven't updated in a long while - I've been too busy!)<br>&nbsp;<br>I've lost about 50 lbs so far. I'm really glad that my dieting/hard work has been paying off. I told myself I'd get fit before my 25th birthday and it looks like I'll hit my goal by then.<br>I've been studying a lot and am prepared to take my GED soon. I'm nervous but I feel like I know enough to pass. If I do, I'll be starting school in June/July so that'll be fun. I'll finally be a college student, woot!<br>&nbsp;<br>I've also been making more money at work which has really helped my morale and general ability to buy fun/nice things, so that's exciting too.<br>I can't really complain about much, just stupid anxiety hitting me every now and then. But I'm doing my best to combat it little by little.<br>I've been focusing on baking and stuff like that. I've been getting more people asking me to do things for their parties. Oh, and I'm almost done writing my next book! See, I said busy! :P<br>&nbsp;<br>I really want to update here more. This diary holds a special place in my heart. I never thought I'd be updating it over 10 years later (from when I first started it) but sometimes it's fun to read old entries and see how much I've changed/grown. I'll continue to do so and maybe I can look back and be proud of myself. I'm starting to get that feeling, I just want it to be fully realized.<br>&nbsp;<br>Someday soon.<br>&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;<br>&lt;3 [134] All Things Pass http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Tue, 28 Feb 2017 16:16:08 CST Hey.<br>So I'm sorry I haven't updated here in two months. I know I said I'd do daily updates but I just don't see that as likely for the time being. Maybe it'll happen again one day soon but I just don't have the time right now.<br>In January I went to my bi-annual convention thingy and hung out with my friends again. It was so awesome to see the online crew / my new family. I had just as much fun as I always did.<br>Not to mention the fact that I also became friends again with Topher / sorted that whole situation out which honestly meant the world to me. I missed his friendship more than anything and after it was resolved it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest.<br>&nbsp;<br>This past event was one of my favorites/the best event ever which is good because I said if it wasn't good I wouldn't go to anymore.<br>&nbsp;<br>Aside from that, I'm earning a lot more money than I used to which makes saving very easy and I can afford nice things for myself - the last 6 months were tight so it's nice to be back to a stable area.<br>&nbsp;<br>In addition, on Feb 1st I decided to start dieting and working towards the body I've always wanted. As of now, less an a month later, I am 15 lbs lighter and already feeling the effects. I have no plans to stop, either. I will be fit before my 25th birthday.<br>Presently I'm just trying to find motivation for everything else I need to do. I really need to amp up my writing because I'm falling behind. I need to start streaming again. And I really need to further my attempts at baking as a job - like becoming a professional caterer. It's just so hard to find the drive for anything right now because I've been focusing so much on not over-eating and watching my weight. But I'll find the balance, I'm sure.<br>I'm in a good place mentally for the first time in a while. And I hope it lasts.<br>Later o/&nbsp; [133] Only One http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Mon, 26 Dec 2016 23:23:48 CST Hey.<br>So the last three days were awful but also good...in a weird way.<br>It was the trio of Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day...so it should have been 100% awesome, right? Well no, wrong.<br>For starters I had to get through an incredibly stressful weekend of work before the holidays which wasn't fun. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I made a crapton of money. And then after that, on Christmas Eve, I had to go Christmas shopping which last minute isn't fun. Thankfully a random shop in the mall was having a huge blowout sale (95% off everything!) so that tremendously helped with the budget.<br>After I spent the first Christmas Eve with my mom in forever. Anthony and myself went out with her to eat at the local Chinese Buffet. However it wasn't entirely good because my asshole Uncle showed up and that was all kinds of awkward. Not to mention I ate SOMETHING bad and as a result got food poisoning. So...that wasn't fun.<br>&nbsp;<br>On Christmas I was still feeling ill but I powered through it and went to see Anthony's mom's family with him. I baked like 3 dozen cupcakes for the holidays. I was touched because I actually got stuff from his family (I'm used to his dad's side ignoring me &amp; our relationship so that not happening was nice) we also had a nice conversation with his older sister and she made us both feel a lot better about where we are in our lives.<br>And it also helped me to appreciate my relationship more because sometimes you take for granted the...benefit of having someone always there for you to help you through your struggles and Anthony has definitely helped me a lot. I'm not as anxietic, I'm better in social situations, and I can handle myself better without cutting or drinking. And now I'm helping him work through the anger his parents instilled in him.<br>We're both broken but together we're whole and that's the important thing. Sometimes it's not about the most obvious thing but the little details in between.<br>This holiday season has taught me so much about myself and my relationship and it's never going to be easy but it'll always be worth it.&nbsp; [132] Lose It All http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Sat, 17 Dec 2016 16:16:24 CST Hey Sitdiary.<br>Things have been going well.<br>I've been pulling extra hours at the ol' warehouse and earning decent money...and as with most things in life, more money = better.<br>I've been trying to start writing under a new penname and that's going okay I just need to find the motivation that I've been lacking. It seems like the surge of adrenaline I had two months ago has vanished and left me feeling empty inside. I want to finish my work so I can get it published. I want to succeed in my endeavors. It's just really awful when you have an overwhelming voice in the back of your head that tells you you're going to fail no matter what you do. Anxiety sucks. And I wish I didn't have it. Thanks, family.<br>I guess there's nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and try my hardest to push back against the tide that keeps trying to drag me under. I just worry one day I won't be able to fight being dragged out to sea and I'll drown. I don't want that and the prospect is scary...but I can't help but thinking about it sometimes.<br>I just wish I could be normal. In a perfect world I'd be anxiety-free, depression-free, straight, married, have my dream job, and have 2.5 kids by now.<br>But this isn't a perfect world and that life was never meant for me.&nbsp;