www.sitdiary.net/shadowsoul - (Last 5 Entries) http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/ A feed of shadowsouls diary entries on sitDiary. Fri, 24 Feb 2017 8:08:26 CST http://www.sitdiary.net/ [133] Only One http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Mon, 26 Dec 2016 23:23:48 CST Hey.<br>So the last three days were awful but also good...in a weird way.<br>It was the trio of Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day...so it should have been 100% awesome, right? Well no, wrong.<br>For starters I had to get through an incredibly stressful weekend of work before the holidays which wasn't fun. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I made a crapton of money. And then after that, on Christmas Eve, I had to go Christmas shopping which last minute isn't fun. Thankfully a random shop in the mall was having a huge blowout sale (95% off everything!) so that tremendously helped with the budget.<br>After I spent the first Christmas Eve with my mom in forever. Anthony and myself went out with her to eat at the local Chinese Buffet. However it wasn't entirely good because my asshole Uncle showed up and that was all kinds of awkward. Not to mention I ate SOMETHING bad and as a result got food poisoning. So...that wasn't fun.<br>&nbsp;<br>On Christmas I was still feeling ill but I powered through it and went to see Anthony's mom's family with him. I baked like 3 dozen cupcakes for the holidays. I was touched because I actually got stuff from his family (I'm used to his dad's side ignoring me &amp; our relationship so that not happening was nice) we also had a nice conversation with his older sister and she made us both feel a lot better about where we are in our lives.<br>And it also helped me to appreciate my relationship more because sometimes you take for granted the...benefit of having someone always there for you to help you through your struggles and Anthony has definitely helped me a lot. I'm not as anxietic, I'm better in social situations, and I can handle myself better without cutting or drinking. And now I'm helping him work through the anger his parents instilled in him.<br>We're both broken but together we're whole and that's the important thing. Sometimes it's not about the most obvious thing but the little details in between.<br>This holiday season has taught me so much about myself and my relationship and it's never going to be easy but it'll always be worth it.&nbsp; [132] Lose It All http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Sat, 17 Dec 2016 16:16:24 CST Hey Sitdiary.<br>Things have been going well.<br>I've been pulling extra hours at the ol' warehouse and earning decent money...and as with most things in life, more money = better.<br>I've been trying to start writing under a new penname and that's going okay I just need to find the motivation that I've been lacking. It seems like the surge of adrenaline I had two months ago has vanished and left me feeling empty inside. I want to finish my work so I can get it published. I want to succeed in my endeavors. It's just really awful when you have an overwhelming voice in the back of your head that tells you you're going to fail no matter what you do. Anxiety sucks. And I wish I didn't have it. Thanks, family.<br>I guess there's nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and try my hardest to push back against the tide that keeps trying to drag me under. I just worry one day I won't be able to fight being dragged out to sea and I'll drown. I don't want that and the prospect is scary...but I can't help but thinking about it sometimes.<br>I just wish I could be normal. In a perfect world I'd be anxiety-free, depression-free, straight, married, have my dream job, and have 2.5 kids by now.<br>But this isn't a perfect world and that life was never meant for me.&nbsp; [131] Need a Scalpel http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Sun, 4 Dec 2016 5:05:53 CST The past few weeks have been interesting.<br>I've been writing a lot more and just trying to keep myself from going under with my anxiety/depression. It seems like it always hits me this time of year and I need to learn to force it down. It's so weird that right around the time of the holidays it hits me. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of the year? Ugh.<br>I have a convention in a month and I'm sad because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I've not made much progress and I'm annoyed. I'm starting a regime tomorrow so that makes me happy. I'm just tired of stress eating and bake eating (I love baking but since I have to taste my own creations it gets fattening!)<br>I hate that my family didn't teach me better eating habits when I was younger. Like they were perfectly okay with me drinking two 2-liter bottles of soda a day and eating 6 packages of ramen in two sittings. Is it any wonder why I was an obese pre-teen? Thankfully I'm not obese currently but I still have a long way to go before I'm in the body I want to be in. I just hope I can get there - you need a lot of will power which is something I've always lacked.<br>I feel scared and...apprehensive. There's been a lot of changes in my life recently and I'm worried about how I'm going to handle them and how I'll deal with the ramifications if they cause problems. I hope that issues don't rise and I hope everything will remain stable but...you never know. And that's the scary thing.<br>I don't feel like I write here as much as I should because it is cathartic and every therapist in the world recommends keeping a diary...maybe that'll be a New Years' Resolution - go back to doing daily entries again. We'll see when the time comes. Let's just focus on one a week until then. Maybe. :P<br>Otherwise...I guess things are good.&nbsp; [130] Got Me Weak http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Tue, 15 Nov 2016 4:04:13 CST Hey.<br>It's been a while but I'm still active a year later (which is practically longer than I've ever been able to do consecutively which I feel like is a win on my part so hush)<br>Yesterday, 11/14, marked my 7th year anniversary with Anthony.<br>It's hard to believe we've been together for seven whole years. Sometimes it feels like we just got together and other days I can definitely feel each and every single day that I've been in this relationship.<br>I won't go too much into what he means to me and how much our relationship has saved me because I covered that last year in an entry. I'll just say that I'm thankful we're still together a year later.<br>People always lie and say when you love someone it comes easy. There is nothing easy about /love/ as an emotion. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do because you must learn to compromise which is hard for those people who are stubborn (ala me) and you must also learn how to be strong while being weakened.<br>Love is strength because it can make you do things you never thought you were capable of doing, but it's also weakness. It's allowing someone to make you weak because you place your life, heart, and soul into their hands and hope they don't destroy you.<br>When I think about the person I used to be and who I am now, I realize that in many ways my relationship has matured me. It's forced me to become more pragmatic and also taught me what love really was.<br>So here's to another year, hell, a lifetime of happiness and devotion to each other. &lt;3 [129] Worse Seem Better http://sitdiary.net/shadowsoul/?cmd=view_entry&eid=24304 Mon, 24 Oct 2016 18:18:08 CDT Anxiety sucks.<br>I know it should be an obvious thing because even the name doesn't sound attractive. For those who don't suffer with anxiety it's the constant feeling of fear. It's a constant voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you you're not good enough. It's the occasional explosion of an overwhelming weight that makes you feel suffocated. It's not being able to be left alone with your thoughts for too long or you'll go crazy. It's not fun.<br>&nbsp;<br>I've progressed so much with my anxiety that I'm shocked sometimes because I never thought I could and then there are days where it'll hit me and I'll feel like I made no progress at all. Those days suck. Majorly.<br>I am trying to do so much with my life right now and I'm just scared none of it will work out. I'm scared I'll be a failure and let everyone who believes in me down.<br>I'm currently finishing a novel up (my muse finally returned, yay!), working on a game, and also getting things ready to start my baking business. It's a lot but I need a lot or else my thoughts will drive me crazy.<br>I really, really, really want to succeed in life it's just so hard. I have to be strong and tell the negative voice in my head (her name is Debra) to shut the fuck up and let me breathe. Let me be as successful as I know I'm destined to be. Let me prove to all the people who said I couldn't do something in my life that I CAN do it and I can do it better than they ever dreamed of. Than I ever dreamed of.<br>I just want to make people proud of me.<br>&nbsp;<br>---<br>&nbsp;<br>A few days ago Anthony and I went apple picking for the first time since last season. It was so much fun...and even though we got way too many apples and I now have a fridge of apples just waiting to be cooked, I want to go again. I love spending time with him. ^.^<br>Ok...that's enough for today.&nbsp;