The fantasies aren't about you anymore... They've reverted to what they were for two years. Two years of being completely enamored and it's all swept away in a few weeks of overly friendliness with a new friend... She's in love with him... more or less. And I can't say anything... not without ruining this new support we've built. He doesn't talk to me like he does to her... but still she lays the primary claim. And when I assert myself, I'm shot down. I miss his mud-pond eyes and sexy sense of humor. I just miss... him. And I don't know what to do. She's going to divulge everything to him at our instruction, and the idea that her feelings will be returned sicken me. The thought of them together... it's worse than it was three and four years ago at the thought of the... others. Is it because I care more? Or am I just mad? I don't know anymore, but it's driving me insane.

okay, so yet again i resort to this when the tables are turning and i'm being pushed away from well... everything i can't do this alone. i really really just can't. they fucking annoy m e. great. tony will probably have his appendix out

Stupid bed that causes Sarah taco-ness. Grrr. Stupid fucking rachel decides to jump on my bed and she breaks the back support (this is a futon, a FUTON)and it bends so bad that it pops the bolts out of the side rail, and then when I tell her that she actually broke it she giggles and goes "that sucks" She doesn't even say sorry. I was thinking we could probably go pick up a new support, but over the last month, things have been crazy. And, I am rather dumb because when I rearranged my room, I didn't pay attention to how I was putting the bed back, and so if you fold it up, it faces the wall. So, I can't have it down because it squishes all the shit under my bed and causes me to roll off the edge, so for the last month, I've had it folded up backward, and I have to hop over the back to get into bed. Which doesn't help the bent mainframe or the broken siderail or the fact that it's already fucked up. So now, since I'm not moving to Cedar City like we all thought, I think that I should just get a nice, decent bed. I've never had a BED. I have gone... in my lifetime... cradle crib mom's old trundle bed bunkbed (bottom) Bunk bed (top) mom's floor bunk bed (bottom) bunk bed mattress on floor shitty bar futon for 5 weeks in OKC shitty bunk bed mattress on a box spring from the DI and a shitty metal frame (this was for four years... and it began to eat me) and a futon for the last not quite a year. I want a BED. Like that gorgeous pillowtop dad and Eric have. mm. Sounds good. I want squishy support that doesn't make creepy metal creak noises when I move even the slightest. Cry. I need a job So I can pay for college in August. SLCC, never considered it until the last few months. I applied at Discover Card. Hopefully I get on there, because it's $11.00 starting, and it's close enough I could ride my bike. Still wants my car though. Ahh. The summer arrives. I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. I take pictures and read from the Prophet (Kahlil Gibran). Go me and crazy family goth weddings.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH Freaking out here I THOUGHT I HAD THAT TAKEN CARE OF

Sometimes, it really seems like I'm the "Karen" of the group. I end up being the butt of the jokes The insults And they tend to ignore me. And (rea) likes to argue with me about everything. So that's just kinda fucked up. I mean, Kelly and Sara are bugged at the fact that I swear. But I don't really give a shit anymore, you know? Megan and Rachel seem to be the best at the moment. Rachel is so worried over things though, I'm amazed she's retaining any level of sanity. Especially with being friends with us. Deja is just always so sad. But then there is me, who wants to be in good with everyone. But like Saturday, at the dance, I was the odd man out. Sara was my "date" and andrea was rachel's "Date" so. I thought it kind of obnoxious I was the left out one. So I occupied myself by taking pictures of people. Most of whom I really don't even like. Dianna was gorgeous though.. But then again, damn that bitch she's always adorably pretty. Graduation is coming. I am sad, but happy. Sad because it marks the end of an era. Nobody will be demanding I wake up in September. Happy because it means I'll be out of there. But I don't want to lose my friends. I hate feeling needy, but they make me feel like a piece of shit just for asking for a ride home. And I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it about how I didn't go to the AP psych review today. ("just because I didn't want to walk home.) Okay. It's two miles... almost. But when you're by yourself, and it's 40 degrees outside when you have friends who went too, and you live on their way and they say "no I can't take you home I have to go to work," That's just kind of fucked up. Like just stopping across the street in your straight little path is going to make you eternally late. Especially when you claim that we're all Bffs. Yeah whatever. Forever doesn't exist. Not really. But I can't get into that or I'll never freaking get to sleep, you know. I really should stop, but I can't find the strength to write it all down, typing is so much easier. Nobody even really said thank you to my mother after she was the driver for us all over hell and took us all to village inn for pie. Nope. No "thanks sarah's mom" or "wow I really appreciate this" Nothing. I'm seriously shocked. But oh well. Focus on my studies and pretty soon I'll have failed the AP tests and will put on a fake smile at graduation. Fuck the party. Nobody would come anyway.

I don't get it. I really just... don't. I can't get him out of my mind. I'm so worried about him. but he won't return my texts, my IMs, or reply to either myspace contact i've sent him. I think of what I could or would say if I talked to him, and this lump rises in my throat. This perpetual ache that keeps my words down. This cold feeling fills me up from my stomach up, and it just envelops my head... and throbs. Not like a headache... just a throb. I didn't know I cared this much. In the words of Kate Winslet..." What about those of us who fall in love alone...? The victims of the one sided affair." Do I love him? Do I want to? The last times I dared to use the word "love" as a feeling, I had my heart wrenched out of my chest, frozen, shattered and then fed back to me from a silver platter. He comes across so tough and uncaring... But I knew that wasn't him. He DOESN'T know what he wants... He's giving up on love... on women. On passing on his name. I doubt he turns over in the middle of the night and reaches out his arm to someone who isn't there... the way I do. Does he dream about me? I dream the real him. He's gentle, and soft, and confused... and scared. He's so afraid. As am I. I can't get it out of my mind. I want to know he's okay. I should just call him... but what the fuck would I say? If he even answered... Would there be something in his voice that breaks me down to tears? Could I really give him any consolation? Any comfort? Does HE need a shoulder to cry on? Like I told him... the person on whose shoulder you cry on should be the same as who you rest your head on during a slow dance... If I knew what he needed... I would be there in an instant. I think I could fly there. I would be there for him to lock his arms around and collapse into if need be. He can soak my shirt with his tears... If I could, I would protect him. Like he protects me. Even if he doesn't know it... he does. I feel impenetrable when I am with him. But unlike any other person I've liked... there are no awkward silences. There are no cheeky giggles. It is just comfortable. We can make sex jokes, discuss sex, and laugh at ourselves. He can look at me and go "you're weird." and I just smile and he smiles back. I've never felt for anyone with brown eyes. Because the brown is opaque, and you can't see into them. But his are almost green some days. There is depth, and he knows how to talk through his eyes. I think about him hurting... and I feel like someone has closed their fist around my lungs. When his cousin died at Christmas, he was sitting there, crying. CRYING. In the cafeteria. He was withdrawn... he was so far within himself... I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him it would be okay, but something held me back. Fear? That's the only thing I could think of. Because I don't care how tough a guy may be, sometimes they just need to hold onto somebody else and cry. I keep crying when I think about it. My eyes sting and tears just leak out.. Words wrap around my mind and I can't shake his image from the backs of my eyelids. It's pathetic, really. I'm so proud of him.. So scared for him... and yet... I'm scared for myself too. "there's something sweet... and almost kind. but he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined... and now he's dear, and so unsure. I wonder why I didn't see it there before."

August 22, 2007 - Wednesday I’m swearing of women forever. Current mood: cold Category: Life (this whole thing is full of spelling errors because it is one in the morning...duh)The whole point in our life is to pass on our DNA or "seed". For those that don't belive me, think of everything that anything teaches. Religion states that we must "multiply and replenish the earth". Goverment "no child left behind" and "what world do you want to leave for your childern". With this in mind, ask yourself if we are really any different than the animals we share this planet with. We give into the same primitive emotions that animals feel; anger, being jelous, greed, pride. pysical desires such as; food, lust, sex. And this brings me to my point stated in the title, I will no longer be a victim of what my genes tell me to do. Not like I could accompish my assigned task if I wanted too. I am sick and tired of being "that guy". The one that all the girls come to too "bitch" about there boyfriends. saying crap like " oh, I need someone that will listen, and that's sesitive, and whose funny....like you, just not you". I was just talking to one of my female friends about this and she made the statement "yeah, I never looked at you like that [boyfriend/friend with benifits] not like I haven't tried but you just been to much of a friend to me". Do you understand this crap? All the people I have ever met have told me that there 'lover' is also there best friend. But here I'm being "too much of a friend". What do they want from me? To be a complete jerk. No they want me to be better looking and act like I don't give a damn. Well since I have no chance at getting plastic surgy any time soon.....looks like I'm screwed. I know this one girl is feeling me. I can tell from they way she is around me and the fact they (they being a group of young females I was hanging with tonight) where talking about who they where going to pick out at my job.....and they thought I couldn't hear them..... but she is feeling someone else so much more....which makes me jelous.....which make me angry...which makes me do something stuiped and cause myself pain. So lets back up.......If I become a cold bitter person I will not get hurt. Now I know some of you are saying that "the pain is worth it when you find that specail someone" bull crap. You just settele for people and become delusional that you love them. "be yourself" the women say....wrong. I've been myself and I've become "that guy" and "that guy" never finds the woman he's looking for. I will not change who I am to pass on my gentics because gentics is your pysical being but who I am is how I act and how I act determines what I shall be remebered as. I will be remebered as the lonely guy that help everyone else with there problems while never dealing with his own. No matter how well logical Sean kicks in "animal' Sean can't stand the thought of being "that guy" forever. everything I do (even if I don't relize it) is to impress the women of my life. Got a job for money...money buys stuff....stuff gets women. Work out (or try to) to get buff to get the women. I will always be the shoulder to cry one and not the one to rest your head durring that special slow dance. Comment Mish-Mash Neon Queen™ Believe it or not, I really DO know how you feel. Being the person who bears the load of what everyone else is feeling... The one who is asked for advice on things they may never have been successful in... Seeing the ones you want and the people you care for slip away Realizing you did things you wouldn't normally do to get that "someone" Giving up on it. I wish I could tell you "it gets better" Wish I could tell you... something. But I personally think that the shoulder you cry on should be the same you rest your head on. And I don't know if you care, but I like you just as you are. why not say... "I don't ask anything more from you. You're wonderful, you make me laugh and smile, and I feel good around you. I feel safe and happy. I hate seeing you disappear behind the door. It makes me blink away if you are hurt..." but no. I am gutless. God, we are perfect.

"Will you not forget me?" oh, I'll never forget you. "Never, never." I really don't like this week. I'm down on everything. Okay, except my friends. the REAL ones. Andrea, Sara, Deja, Jackie too I suppose. yesterday i went to ihop with them. I literally woke up, checked my text messages, threw on clothes and deja picked me up. crazy good. we laughed and shared summer stories (i haven't seen any of them since july 7) and our schedules. I think we all, save deja, have english together. we went back to sara's house and played with her barbies. she is seriously lacking in the clothes department. oh well. We went to rage on monday with ahma and tim, juju, joan, and dane. it was fun. but my legs are still in agonizing pain. I have nothing positive to say about my dad. And I think i'm going to end up going a full 24 hours without talking to my mom. I don't care. She confused me and I didn't know where she was seeing what she was seeing on the box, and she threw it at me and got all angry because I let her know that somehow she hadn't read the right thing and that it was the correct thing to be cooking. but no. she got angry and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving the hamburger on to burn. I don't want to be around mom, I don't want to be around dad, I don't want to be around tony, Cremme is the only safe place right now... But I can't get there... can't stay.

eric's studio is so great i like it even better now that there is a table for sitting at... and a futon for laying on. great sounds and good times. Tony, Eric and I played Apples to Apples whilst dad played with the phone box and junk I have no more pepsi. This makes me sad Eric played with his magical magnetic top that spins in thin air. (not really, but it's fun to think that.) i get to download some things... superdeedouper fastishly. woohoo! One week to first school night of seniorbeing. I wonder when the Hello Stomp is. I think I will go this year... maybe. I need clothes. And I feel all greedy and schtuff about that.

It's been too long. so many different things happening. I'm going to miss him so bad if he goes away... I didn't want this to happen, I really didn't. But I can't help but admire him for it. How hard would it have to be to sign your name on those papers, knowing that you couldn't go back? He's braver than I could really ever hope to be. It just makes it hurt a little. He's my friend. And it's not that I don't want more... it's just... I don't want to lose the friend part. My head spins with everything I'm thinking about, and I just still can't bring myself to spill. To say everything that I want to say. but it can't be love.... can it?

Ten days until october. YAY!!! Haunted houses, apple juice, that feeling...... knowing that thanksgiving is on its way. sigh. i guess i am kinda pathetic. oh well. YAY FOR ME!!!! :D Today just has that... warm, comfortable feeling to me. only one thing's been anywhere near annoying or pissing me off level. but that doesn't matter. because, as a whole, today was pretty freakin sweet. and i do say that as a peter griffinism. It is cloudy and raining on and off, which is pretty damn near my favorite weather. My house is warm, and my cat is actually sitting on my lap while I'm using the computer. She says he likes me. But how to know for sure? Hmm. Very tricky. Two days until the big ass show. I am seriously so looking forward to this weekend. On saturday I go see awesome people play awesome music, then i get to go to the opening night of Dracula Vs. Dr Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. AND!!!!!! We're staying for IMPROV. Then sunday we go celebrate GG's 91 birthday, and I am the appointed family photographer. go me. I have a need for pasta and hugs. i can't really explain it.... hooray for flakes. they make my immediate afternoon dayyyum good. sheesh, I'm such a geek. I came up with a schooltime appropriate superhero. Yay for me.

I want this summer to end I want these feelings to just go away I want her to stop I want him I want to look in his eyes for as long as I can I want to drive I want to have a party I want to go back to school I want things to do I don't want to think about it anymore I want to gain endurance I want to fly I want I want I want Is that soo much to ask for?♥Me

expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed. So I did, and I can't wipe this smile off of my face. Today has been incredibly good, and the goingson of 3:00 pm. have made my day. It's going to take more than a mother/son disagreement to bring me down from this peak. So... I've made Jordan two cds, and he was supposed to be burning me 10,000 fists. Last night, I offered to burn him another in exchange for see you on the other side. He told me to go over to his house and drop off/pick up today around 3. And I like him. Some part of me is always going to. He was the first person I could ever honestly say that I loved. So in my head there are all these scenarios flying around, and I had to remind myself not to get my hopes up. The hopeless romantic in me is a far cry from reality. He's not going to open the door and sweep me into his arms passionately. But somehow, my visit seemed almost better. He answered the door and took his cds and gave me mine. I refilled my water bottle and turned to leave, saying that if he wanted more songs to IM or message them to me. He remembered that he owed me another cd so he invited me back in to create my own from the music he has. Since it was really the only thing I could think of, I just burned We are Not Alone. So while we waited for my cd to finish, we had a chat. about pirates and how paul got annoyed because jordan can poke holes right through the plots of movies, and how we knew certain things were going to happen. He said he was having a bad hair day. it was all frizzy. It made me laugh. I wanted to run my fingers through it. He showed off his firework collection and we confesssed pyro secrets. When my Cd finished and i'd labeled it, I got up to leave, and he said good to see you, and he gave me a hug. Nobody telling him to. Just a hug. and he actually rested his hand on my back for a moment. good to see you too see? we are civil! ::laughs:: YEAH! See ya later in the summer er... whenever yeah. Actually you might get invited to my birthday.. not sure about it ::laugh:: and maybe I'll actually come this year. I spaced it last yeah. its ok. It will be in a yard with crazy chickens. ::Pauses:: I love chickens ::I laugh:: alrighty then See you later Bye And there was this ease... that hasn't been there for a long time. I wish I'd had reason to stay longer. I really do. When he hugged me, his face and lips flashed before my eyes. I really did want to just hold onto him for forever. I want him to request more songs. I want another excuse to go to his house. His mom lives in a trailor. I didn't know that. And we're both missing our old houses. My mind is running amok in every which way, and for some reason, I'm almost wishing that as he closed the door to me that he rested back on the stairs and sighed. In the same manner that I did when I got home and collapsed on my bed. I dont know... is it just a crush? Or is it leftover love?

I AM: me I WANT: to get out of utah I HAVE: a cat I WISH: i had somewhere to go I HATE: homophobes I FEAR: losing the people i love I HEAR: Dresden Dolls I SEARCH: My room for my wallet I WONDER: if that girl will do my layout I REGRET: the last two years of my life I LOVE: my camera I ACHE: in my butt I ALWAYS: feel lonely I AM NOT: good I DANCE: when the music calls I SING: in the shower I WRITE: all the time I WIN: nothing I LOSE: my mind I CONFUSE: myself I NEED: an excedrin I SHOULD: get off my ass YOU KEEP A DIARY: but its not a diary YOU LIKE TO COOK: whenever i can YOU HAVE A SECERET: and nobody knows it YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: and it matters CLOSEST FRIEND: idk THE PERSON THAT KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT YOU: me THE LAST IMAGE/THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: blackness WANT TO GET MARRIED:no GET MOTION SICKNESS: no THINK YOURE A HEALTH NUT: no GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS:usually LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: always FAVORITE NUMBER:4 COLOR:red DAY: saturday MONTH: i dont know they all suck SONG: dirty business FOOD: steak pho SEASON:spring SPORT: i hate sports DRINK: liquid CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: i dont know. neither happens CHOCOLATE MILK OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: usually milk VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: vanilla IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU... CRIED? :a little HELPED SOMEONE? :i dont think so BOUGHT SOMETHING? :not with my own money GOTTEN SICK? : eh GONE TO THE MOVIES? :no GONE OUT FOR DINNER? : fast food SAID "I LOVE YOU"? :i dont know WRITTEN A REAL LETTER : yeah TALKED TO AN EX? :yes MISSED AN EX? : yeah WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? :yes HAD A SERIOUS TALK? :no MISSED SOMEONE? :yes HUGGED SOMEONE? :only fam FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? :no FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? :no Name 7 things you hate: 1. life 2. summer 3. school 4. lawn mowers 5. scooters 6. my body 7. being bored Would you ever: 1. Eat a bug? : probably 2. Bungee jump?: yes 3. Hang glide? : yes 4. Kill someone? : i dont know 5. Rob someone? :no 6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? :uh, you kinda cant 7. Parachute from a plane? :yes 8. Walk on hot coals? : perhaps 9. Go out with someone for their looks? :no 10. For their reputation? :no 11. Be a vegetarian? : sure 12. Wear plaid with stripes? :i do sometimes 13. IM a stranger? : only if they're annoyin gme 14. Sing Karaoke? :yeah 15. Get drunk off your ass? : gladly 16. Shoplift? :no 17. Run a red light? : depends 18. Star in a porn video? :LMAO no. 19. Dye your hair blue? : yeah 20. Be on Survivor? :fuck no 21. Wear makeup in public : duh 22. Not wear makeup in public? : i do 23. Cheat on a test? : only once and never again 24. Make someone cry? : i think its impossible to avoid 25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? : uhm........ no 26. Stay up all night? : yep

I don't really know whats left. I don't really know what to do I don't know anything. I didn't want it to become like this I didn't want to fall again I didn't think this was going to happen. I am tired. I am sore I am very confused I want to go to sleep. I want my mouth to stop hurting I want... things I hate these feelings I hate this day I hate the fact that I feel like this. Hm. it isn't supposed to be a poem. just a list.It works. I don't care. ...oh hell

The tides of this summer are changing. I may not get to leave, but she may be coming here. The other loves me.. we share a secret picture. a song and a portrait. but I still don't get to leave this god-forsaken state.

Why can't I break these ties? Why am I constantly drawn back to them? WHy the fuck can't I just stop feeling altogether? I'd rather be a robot than this mess of screaming flesh. Because there is nothing I can do. I want the people I can't have. The thoughts of what I'm told create this fucking whirlpool in my mind. I get sucked into it. This hurts. Motherfucker, this hurts.

Salvation has returned. Now I do not have to waste all of my time on fucking myspace. I am home... I am now very well to full electronic endowment. Digital camera is off the list MP3 is the only thing i need. Cell DVD VCR Dish Laptop CD player DIGITAL CAMERA Oh my god how I have missed this place........ Forever..... goodbye may seem forever farewell is like the end but in my heart's a memory and there, you'll always be.

Kinky. and i think I like them too much. They scared dani and they cut jordan. sigh. i should kiss all the wounds beter. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!

Nobody is ever on here anymore. It is sad. Summer will be good, with the exception of one huge thing. Mummy and daddy say no to arkansas. OOOH I hate that. But I will go to SUU and I will swim. There are 9 days left of school. It is fucking insane how fast the year has gone, and how much part of it is like a fucking blank. September-greenday, failed date request October- Dyed my hair, thought... November- one year... aleks. last kiss December- blow up. We watched eachother cry January- New year started out with an aching pain February- inevitably disasterous March- At UNI... tried to be okay April- acquaintances, taken to daddy's house, heninger, friendship agreement, the nook May- lizzy 16, dependent independency, home. school draws to a close, and I feel like there is something I have to do. but I don't have even the slightest idea what. I still want love. It is so hard to watch all the people around you be so blissfully happy. and then I am... here... intimately alone. Oh well...... I just need to fill my time. I thought I had found them... but i fuck up. Summer is too hot. I want to take a nap while my room is still nice and cool. I wish I had someone right now that would always be around to hug and hold and laugh with. how pathetic.