Two months later and you're still all I can think about.

I just want my life back.

Today I am going to some Animania festival thing with Rachel and her fiance. Exciting. Tomorrow, nothing, next day charles' piercing maybe, next day, nothing, next day jason webley show. Woot. And all this, all of this, is without you, but you're the only one I will be thinking about, wondering where you are and who you love now.

And then I see you, and it only makes things worse. Like yesterday at the movies, when you got mad for the silliest of things (and okay, I did too) and I can just never work out if you want me around or not. You call it paranoia, I call it being constantly insulted and then wondering why. What the fuck.

This is us a few weeks before we broke up the first time.

Me, taking pregnancy tests and texting you the result.

You, drunk on a bus home from a party you didn't invite me to (okay, so I didn't know the girl, so?), too freaked out to text back.

This is me a few days before, wondering if I am pregnant because my period is god knows how many days or weeks late and trying on bras and thinking only of you, buying condoms and shampoo, and you sitting at home watching tv and not even thinking about it. Probably talking to your best friend who you are now in love with more than you ever loved me.

I always loved you too much. I was always too obsessed. I was then and I am now. And thousands upon thousands of buckets of wishes on shooting stars could not change that. I should know, I have tried.

2128 hit(s) (1 comments) | O____o  

You know what hurts the most?

The fact that no amount of change, no amount of realising all my past wrongs and regrets and no amount of wishing i could go back in time will make him come back. There is nothing I can do to make him love me again. There's nothing I can do to make him hug me.

I said I would try before, I did. And I guess it turned out to be a lie, even if I didn't think it was then. But god, Sean, I have seen life without you, and I don't want to see it anymore. I will, don't worry, I will see it, and I know I will get over you, even if it takes me 20 years... I just don't want to. And right now, nothing would comfort me more than seeing your face. Hearing your voice.

I miss him more than I have ever missed anyone in the entire world.

But that's life I guess, and I have no choice but to go on living it. Tonight I'll go to a friends house and watch young love that isn't mine and hopefully i will gather the courage to not be tempted by self pity.

I should be happy that you "seemed unusually happy". I should be happy you didn't get with anyone at the party. I should be happy for you, if I do love you at all. And I do. I love you so much, and if I can thank you for nothing else it can be for the fact that you showed me I am capable of love. And, deep down, I do want you to be happy... but on some other level, perhaps on par, I don't know, I hate that you can be happy without me, when I feel so terrible without you.

You said to me once that everyone has something they wanted, which if they had.. everything would just fall into place. I still don't believe that's true. But I do believe if I could have you back, knowing what I do now, I would be happier than I have ever been before. And you're the one thing I know I can never have again.

157 hit(s) (1 comments) | O____o  

Entry List
It's not hard to dream,...
Like you never saw a girl...
Trying to rid you from my...
Another day
If I died tomorrow, would...
Lets make this.. vaguer. :P
School camp.
And finally..
What's a book to you in bed?
The Living End.
Stupid rant.
Who says I'm unfit?
The formal
I think we're even
Built Like That
Humanity I hate you
I am the Walrus
Change how you see, not how...
Marla singer.
Drop that phone.
As the roots undo
Fishing the Sky
Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh.
Stupid Quotes that my family...
In Circles
Driving fast through a big...
This delicate balance
The Color Purple
You're so fucking special
Goodnight, goodnight.
Love is meant for beauty...
Don't waste your lips
She put on happyness like a...
The sounds of silence
The scent of summer in our...
One hundred years of solitude
True Blue
Truth is beautiful, without...
-emo song title-
I'll wait for you - but I...
eau de parfum
Oh dear.
Sing me to sleep
You put your left leg in..
The closest thing to perfect;...
Soccer is going to become...
Oh a second verse! Well...
Missing you to death
Math makes me sad. :(
Happy Birthday!
Prisoner Of Society
Go to my room and I close my...
With Or Without You
Until the wolves are away
ph34r me.
Rivendell and it's inhabitants
We don't need noooo...
A train crash, and everything...
The alarms going off but...
The joys of family time
Do Do dooo.
Thank you. :)
Sorry, for not being pretty...
Spare life, anyone?
I don't wanna die, but I aint...
|A|N|G|S|T| - my...
Harry Potter
Still here.
The suicidal car ride.
Paper is more patient than...
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Harry Potter rawks my sawks.
I'm just so super nice. =D
Friends only..
A million tears
We live in a beautiful...
Whatever the fuck you want me...
Can't think of a title..
No one is waiting for you..
Kill meeeee.
Wow, people suck.
Another perfect day..
I wish...
Me. Again.
Yeah, I know everyone knows...
A waste of breath... of...
An entry, you say? More like...
I'm so fucking ugly. (And...
Rebel, rebel, 'Cause you're...
131 post(s)