Listening to: Dashboard : Screaming Infidelities
I don't want to forget...
"Breathing is a forgein task and thinkings juss to much to ask"
Haven't you ever walked away from a boy...looked back and saw the look in their eyes as you walked away?
Couldn't you see it obviously hurt them?
Do you know what you did to offend them most the time? Could you take a guess?
I didn't get to hold his hand just before leaving to my class b/c I was mad at Ryker. I looked back to say bye to Derek so he'd know I didn't mean to blow him off, it was Rykers fault. He gave me this puppy dog look like I juss punched him and stormed off. It was so sad. I didn't notice we hadda hold hands everytime I left. But it looked like a piece of him juss got crushed.
My brain wouldn't shut up. My brain got some weird, twisted idea of a story. I started in first hour and I wouldn't stop until 3rd hour. I ended up with 4 pages, front and back, making 8 pages of chicken scratch about a weird story. After spending like 3 hours doing it I never wanna see those papers again. I was supposed to write down everything that my brain keeps thinkin about, but no, I end up writing a stupid story. I juss never seem in the mood to write down everything I'm thinking about.
I can give general ideas of what I'm thinking about.
-My brother and his phone call on Sunday
-The end of school here in a month
-Getting a job
-Getting my Wesa back
-How to stop depression
-and the big BANG....Me and Derek
OKay, so he works like 4 days out of the week. He's starting to do Fridays and Saturdays. I feel sad...for some reason. I feel like it was his choice. He chose to work 4 days out of the week, in fact he really wanted 5! He wanted Fridays and weekends which is when we can usually stay out later. And juss b/c I have no life, when he gets off work, I'm juss supposed to find time for him?! Not that it's a problem..but still...whenever he has time for me I'm juss suppose to grovel over him?
Everytime he leaves me he says he doesn't wanna leave me. He's the one that chose how much to work! He says he's going to work like 5 days during the week in the summer...for like 12 hours too. From 3pm to 3am. Sleep until like 11, have like 4 hours before going back to work. Yeah, juss squeeze me in there.
I don't want to do it. I don't think I can handle it. I'm having a hard enough time trying to remember I 'belong' to someone and trying not to think I lost all my freedom with other boys b/c of it. I have a hard enuff time trying to comprehend 6 months with him and I can barely survive a month usually. I guess I'm juss not a 'relationship' type of girl.
If I'm having a hard enuff time now, what's it gonna be like in the summer to never even see the one that 'owns' me? And never get to use my time by going on dates or even flirting with others? I feel like it's stopping my whole life. I love him an' all, but I don't want my life...to stop....in the summer.
This summer sounds like it's totally gonna suck. It's basically my last summer of freedom. And I have a boyfriend that's never around. I wanna be with my best friend 24/7. I'll prolly spend a good part of the summer looking for a job (a life, something to do to pass the time while he's gone). I have Joseph Smith Celebration rehearshals and crap all month, along with Girls Camp and Laurel Retreat and family reunions, which only proves there's no point in finding a job for the summer either! *sighs*
"I begged you not to go.
I begged you, I pleaded.
Claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated"
I can't juss keep turning on and off, if you know what I mean. I'm not a light switch. I see him at school, yay feelings, he says bye before work, waaah feelings, see him again only at school, yay...waaah...yay..waahh.. And during the summer I won't even get to have the Yay feelings very often! I'm sorry, but I don't even want to think about him anymore when he's gone. I don't want to be twitterpatted. I have to like, shut off all my feelings juss so I won't get depressed he seems to like working more than me. I think of the Simple Plan song "You don't mean anything to me". I have to be mean, be un-attatched, not care if I see him or not. I hafta think things like "Oh, he's juss the boy at school that I hold hands with then after that I can do whadeva I want, I'm free." It's harsh. It hurts me! And definately him if he knew. I don't have twitterpattion anymore. This doesn't feel like love.
But it's not like I'm gonna ask him to quit his job. I juss don't know what to do. I'm not afraid of him leaving me anymore. I'm afraid of my thinking about how I'm gonna be the one to leave. He says he'll make it work. I don't wanna get dragged through this summer by my finger tips and then have it all be for nothing if it doesn't work out by the time school starts again.
Why does he hafta think so long term?? The kid is juss asking to be crushed then. It's like talking about marriage on yer first date with yer crush, they get kinda scared and run off!
I think he juss needs to move on with his life without dragging me with him. He's going into like 2 and 1/2 years of working in production. Going on a mission. Coming back and being manager over the whole company while going to college. He'll become a cop after he pays his way through college. He'll have the ideal Utah Mormon lifestyle, college, being a cop, marriage, kids, settle in the valley, yadda yadda yadda. I don't exactly want that for myself but that's what is going to happen to me, I juss hafta accept it, b/c I'm not doing anything else about it.
I'm the type of person that asks myself "Is this someone that I think, personality wise, I could get married to?" After all me Mutti made that mistake (even tho she was supposed to)and they kinda want a divorce b/c of it.
I don't think our personalities really...go together. He's like a softy....tall and skinny...sensitive...passive dude. I don't really do the softy and passive thing. And yes we make it work...but shouldn't most of it, if you're meant to be....shouldn't most of it come a lil' more naturally? You spend most of your time trying to make shure it works more then enjoying the times that it does work! I'm so confused. It doesn't feel meant to be. I wanna be free. I dont wanna be tied down to something that's not there. I can't switch like that. He leave and come back over and over again. I'm afraid I'll forget.
There's not much that he or I can do about it tho. He said he'd to anything to make it work. He's not quitting his job. He's prolly not going to work less. He's not going to slow his life down juss b/c of me. What do I tell the boy? I don't like this situation, you either find a way that we can juss 'get used' to not seeing each other, like 'fix' the problem or I'm going to have to move on b/c I have things I wanna do this summer??? The only thing I can do is to make time to be there when he's off work. I don't feel independent anymore and I hate it.
I would like to ...move on. Let him go on with his life, work as much as he wants, get as much money as he wants or needs for a mission. Do and go the things he wants to do w/o taking me along. So I can go and do the things I want to do without feeling bolted down at the age of 17. Life needs to move on and it can go much smoother without this drama that prolly won't last anyway. I have no faith in this summer and our relationship being 'fixed'.
I don't want to forget.
But I have to, to survive emotionally.
To put it simply...
I want a summer FLING. I do FLINGS! Not long term relationships!
You know what I realize....complaining about all of this?
There is so much unnecessary DRAMA over this whole boy and girl thing. Honestly, it's such a big deal to us now, but when we get older will we even remember this summer? After we're broken up and long gone, will we even care? Does seeing a boy everyday hafta be an essential thing for the summer? This sounds ridiculous. Prolly why I wanna move on, so I don't hafta think about juss one boy, I can remember this summer as the one I dated so frickin much I couldn't keep track!
Honestly, next school year, will we even care about what happened this summer?
Drama, drama, drama.....get over it.
It's not like we're all gonna die.