Listening to: Moulin Rouge : El Tango de Roxanne
He puts his hand up on the steering wheel and grips it when he doesn't/won't hold my hand.
God help me calm down and think straight. Please help me be positive. Please help me thru this. Please help that lil' boy that cries in my dreams.His eyes seem so sad. He stares blankly, confused but concerned. Someone made him believe that everything is his fault. Help him feel comfort, like he belongs. This strange boy seems very familiar.
I'm getting a divorce. I can't stand it anymore. I'm divorcing that lawn....those stupid apples and flowers and esp that stupid DOG! I hate that dog. That lawn ish beginning to irritate me. I quickly killed off the flowers so they don't bug me. Yes, the neighbors lawn and flowers are pritti much dead. Whoopsy. At least the dog ish still alive...right? They come home late late tonight... or basically early early Tuesday morning. In other words, I don't have to watch their yard and dog anymore! Yes! "Goodbye Gibson. I still think yer name should be ED...as in special....I hope to never see you again and I mean that...I'm not juss trying to be nice."
There's so much that has happened every since I wrote in this journal last. Too much. I can't explain it all let alone do I want to. Definately some interesting things for history tho I must admitt. I hope someone else out there records those events down. *wink* Now I look forward to working at 5:30 in the morning and going to auditions at 10 until the end of the world aaaaannnddd...once those two stressful things are over I getta go to Young Womens and get nagged at b/c I'm not done with my Personal Progress book yet. I should go to bed. After tomorrow I have nothing to do really (YES) until Friday/Saturday...where there's the Ward Campout at Beaver Mtn. and then a Stake Dance on Sat! Yes!
I was up until 2am with Derek. He yelled at me again. Surprise. Teehee. It was kinda hot and I couldn't help but smile a lil' bit. I'm so stubborn. I really didn't know what was wrong tho. Honestly. I knew there was something he did not understand and no matter what I said he wouldn't get it so I juss plainly didn't want to talk. I wanted to go home and go to bed. By the end of the night, after all his yelling spill, he says he realizes something. The whole "the girl will always come back" and the whole cemetarys "Its not my fault you don't believe I love you." I'm surprised he remembers things like that and esp ties them in into other subjects. I juss wanted to tell him how glad I was that I had him on the tramp that one night. Apparently it didn't occur to him that I would still love him (hence me coming back to him) b/c I date other guys. He seems comfortable with that idea now.
I know, it feels weird dating other guys while having a bf and a lot of ppl frown on that. But I can't help it! I don't know how ppl can juss sit there and wait for their lovers to come home from work! And I can't even do that b/c he works such odd hours! I'm sorry but when he's on a mission I'll hafta get one of those shirts, "He thinks I'm waiting". Not that much dating will happen in 2 years for me...but hey. If I'm gonna be with him forever ...why do I hafta start at 17?! And if we're not ment to be then....heck no I wont start at 17!! I'm too young! Wow my nails are long.
After being neglected by him for a week er so...it feels really really weird to have him be all affectionate again now. I juss feel like I really don't want to kiss him or hold his hand. The whole feeling of that juss dropped the past week. I hope he doesn't get offended if I pull away or anything...it's juss that I'm not...used to it or something. Something weird ish going on. Why does it feel so weird? How come I don't even like it?
"Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight!
You're free to leave mee
But juss don't deceive me
And please, believe me when I say
I LOVE YOU!"