Listening to: Hoobastank - The Reason
Went to the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night with Megan, Natalie, Ryker, Kirri and John (a guy from work), the movie was frickin' forever long. It was a hot movie tho. Hot and steamy which is bad. Kirri and I started to fall asleep and close our eyes threw a lot of it. Kirri flirted shamelessly with John afterwards. Natalie and I had a sleepover. We went and visited our boys tho first. Almost got mine in trouble again. Next time, we do what -I- say.
I talked to George tho. "George juss left"...*looks down the hall and pitifully squeaks out "Geeeoorrggee"* Teehee...he turned around and came back, yay he heard. He basically told me I had a job. I told him I couldn't really do Tuesdays. From 5 to 9 afterschool, mostly I'll prolly be in Logan unless I get a choice. He said he'd call me to tell me when I work I guess. As in, he's not really going to call me. *shrugs* Well, I pritti much got a job...along with my other non-existant one. I forgot to check the schedule for next week. Haha...Hope nobody works on the holiday. Everyone is all freaking out about the gas prices. I think my next pay check is fer gas.
I keep having nightmares. I woke up with a frickin' sore throat and very high fever. Natalie and I slept until like 11:30, when she decided to leave. I went back to bed until like 3:30. I couldn't stay awake for the life of me. I didnt feel good. I cried myself to sleep. I kept having bad dreams.
I dreamt about being in the hospital. I hate them. I was in the process of running away when the boy came along. With his 'passion' for the hospital and my hatred....things worked out with a tackle. The whole type of theme of the nightmare was like betrayal. I thought that the boy had come to the hospital to save me and not let them hurt me. But instead he grabbed me and pinned me down while rocking me, running his hand threw my hair and kept saying "sshhh". I kept telling Mutti that I didnt want to be there b/c I knew they'd juss hurt me like last time. She said they wouldn't. I didn't believe anyone. I wanted to leave. Then after I calmed down and stopped fighting in the boys arms four younger men with large needles came and stabbed me viciously in my side that wasn't against the boy. Like one on my arm, one on my side, one on my thigh and one on my calf. They stabbed me so hard that some of the needles broke inside me. I pulled some of the needles out and one of the boys pulled some out too. Everyone else that witenessed this was in like shock...so I struggled away from the boy and crawled into a lil' restroom and locked the door. I didn't know what was in the needles tho.
As I was crawling into the bathroom I saw Mutti like tackle/attack one of the guys that stabbed me and juss started beating them. She was screaming and others were yelling and the whole hall juss...erupted. Mutti was pissed off...the boy and his Vati was in shock and my Vati juss tried to calm Mutti down. I crawled in the bathroom and curled up in a ball. After awhile I cried out, "I told you!" and things like "You promised you wouldn't let anyone hurt me anymore mommy!" And then heard my Mutti burst into sobs. The boys father held him back from coming to the door to talk to me for awhile. I looked at my wounds there in the bathroom. They were already bruised...swelling and many different colors. It hurt a lot. I had to take my pants off to look at my leg. It was kinda sickly looking. I asked them where my Mutti was after awhile. They said she got arrested for beating those guy nurses to death. They all tried to convince me that nobody was going to hurt me anymore. I was angry and hurt. I thought the boy would protect me, but instead he helped them! I thought my Mutti would understand and take me away. I felt betrayed. After the boy came and talked to me I finally unlocked the door. The boy and his father were the only ones there I guess and so they both had their reactions after seeing my wounds. Then the boy picked me up and took me out to his car. I was still kinda scared I guess and I reached for both of their hands and asked if I was safe. They said yes and I quickly passed out in the back. It was sad and I cried. It reminded me of the whole 'trauma in yer childhood comes back to haunt you type of thing'. Sadness.
The others were about Scott of course. And this last one was about Jacie. The boys lil neice. She likes me. She's light and quiet. She likes to be held and sit on yer lap. She's easy to talk to and play with. We were both in the kitchen playing with finger paints. I decided juss to talk to her.
I juss asked her if she wanted to make an "I love you Mommy" sign with the paints.
"Why not? Dont you love yer mommy?"
"She makes me sad"
"How does she make you sad?"
"She yells and is mean"
"Do you like me?"
"Because you dont make me sad"
She basically told me everything her Mutti did to her that was mean. She told me how it felt and that she didn't want to go home with her. When her Mutti came in to say "We have to go home now, c'mon Jacie" she like flipped out and clung to me. I didn't make her let go...I remember telling John and the family really...and Jacie and I juss had the convo again for them. It was scary and said. She kept saying "making me sad" instead of like beating me. And I said "shes my special friend" instead of her name, Jacie. It's like she became my lil' sista after we blackmailed her Mutti. I like her. She makes me feel special. A lil' girl can make me feel like that. No wonder Vati only liked us when we were kids. I think about parents abandoning their kids when they're too young to defend themselves. I'm scared to sleep. I think I think too much.
Well, that was basically about my nightmares. It's all Adult Roles classes fault. I think a lot and it hurts. She gives you a lot to think about, kinda cool. I wonder if my past will come back to haunt me so I'll need therapy or something. I wonder if someone will give me "marriage counseling sessions" for my wedding gift. I wonder if anyone would find out or care that I'm reading a book called "Notes on how to live in the world....and still be happy". I wonder if anyone knows Autti flow came to visit me. I wonder if anyone knows I'm sick. I wonder if anyone knows I -hate- sore throats more than anything and I'm afraid to sleep. I wonder if anyone knows of the two children I keep having nightmares about. I wonder if anyone cares if I wear a lot of pink. I wonder when I work...what I'm supposed to do and how...I wonder why I have so much anxiety. I wonder how I should deal with it. I wonder why I start to cry.