Angels Wear Denim
It was merely Wednesday night when it all hit me. Now it's only 4 days away...
I went to my memory box and there on top was my heart that reminded me of his promise. It was 3 months ago, and it reminded me, he's still here. I had written down my feelings then. They are the same as now. I'm still scared to death.
His promise has been kept, which is more than what I can say for alot of other people that came into my life and asked for my heart.
It was then I burst into tears. A promise had been made to me, and it was kept. You don't know what that means to me. It wasn't easy but when you look back you don't really think about all the hard times. I'm glad he could prove to me most of my fears.
Speaking of my fears.....I've been having some MAJOR anxiety over all of this. I can't really figger out why, but I can give you my theories.
I think my greatest fear now is losing him b/c he has kept his promise. The promise is done now, so pritti much there's nothing to keep him here with me. And why would he stay with someone that's...so annoying, stubborn and mean to him! He deserves better, I'd think.
I'm scared that now he doesn't really have this promise thing, and this whole I'll-show-you (that this relationship will work that long) attitude he'll juss stop doing things...he normally did...or something. I don't want him to stop anything! I want him to do more since we've got this far!
Again my fears of people leaving me in my life come back. All I remember about the past and other people is the fact that I told my fear. I told them I'm scared to death of them leaving. Then I'd sit there while they reassured me that they wouldn't leave me. I only half-believed them after the second time someone left me soon afterwards. I wanted to believe them so badly! I wanted to believe Derek. And I did. I want to feel that way again. It scares me to death if I pretend to be mad at him and walk away that he lets me. It scares me to death that he can juss walk to his car and leave without saying goodbye, waving or anything.
Call me silly or slow....but this is the first time I want to scream in like sobs, "I LOVE YOU....*sob* SO MUCH" and not in the whole happy tears and smiling proudly I love you...but the most sincere and almost desparate I love you that one human being can muster. The first time that I said to myself that I was willing to throw out anything in my life that he would get upset about or I know he doesnt like, even if I don't understand it. I will stop it all! It's time to try anything to be with you. I think it's not b/c we are so lazy we don't make a move to stop this whole thing. I think it's b/c we both know that somethings there that keeps us together. I think we both have periods of "oh yeah thats my gf/bf" and then the end of thoughts about that person. But later we realize more feelings about them.
Like yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking about him the whole night last night. I went for a run in the dark. I didn't stop running. I stopped thinking tho. That's when I thought I wouldn't take any risks of losing him even if I didn't understand them. This morning I knew he would be soo tired. I knew I couldn't tell him my feelings when he's all tiredish. But I also knew I couldn't really ...contain them very well. Besides the fact when my body physically goes down, that it juss takes mental with it so I prolly couldn't handle any situation today... but yeah.
He hurt me, he scared me. It wasn't physical hurting me....nothing could hurt me more than the things that he says. I know he's tired and doesn't mean it that way. I know I'm stubborn and prolly really emotional and I'm sorry. I really shouldn't listen to what he says when he's tired b/c it only hurts me. I'm sorry I cant juss take it and move on, I can't juss get over it. I wish he'd hurt me more physically, anything...anything at all then the way he speaks to me sometimes. "Heck yeah I'm angry! You're in my car!" He was leaving without saying goodbye. I came back. I wrapped my arms around him and juss bawled. Please, don't do this to me. Don't scare me anymore. It feels like you're holding someones hand and they are slipping....and you -know- they are slipping only b/c you can -feel- it....you can't see it but you feel it. You close your eyes and try to hold on tighter with only the three fingers you have left. Please, please don't let go. I know you're tired and I'm ornery or whadeva. I don't care what the reason is, but please, hold on. I felt so comfortable, that feeling I love so much I juss started crying in his arms. He picked me up and rocked me which was like heaven. I wish I could be betta for him. I wish I wasn't so mean to someone I love.
But even if it does seem to end around this time, I still get to say its closer to my dream world, my happy place than anyone has ever gotten to. I'd be forever grateful for the things he has taught me.
If you feel like letting go
Make the nightmares go away....