Listening to: YellowCard - Rocket
Day by Day
I've never wanted to be one of those people with lives when you say you are surviving day by day. One day at a time...trying your hardest and failing.
I didn't want surviving, breathing, everyday to be a task. But that it what is has come to. But I'm in denial so leave me alone. I'm perfectly fine.
Everyone is telling me what to do and when to do it in sooo sooo many different ways and directions. I'm about to be pulled apart. My head hurts. I can't sleep no more. I don't want to be told what to do anymore, it's come to the point where I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. I don't like that. I have no confidence in anything I do now. Am I constantly screwing up everything for everyone? I'm scared. Why do I have to care so much about what others think of me? Why do I have to have such a good impression on ppl?
I took a "Wednesday Time Out" and slept in Dereks bed. Well, kind of slept. I was stressed so therefore I thought of Scott. Does that make sense? Didn't think so. *sighs*
It was sad the things I heard the boys Vatti say to him. I heard a lot of "I don't care"s and that's not very nice. I didn't agree with the way he handled the situation. And of course, the boy doesn't agree with the situation period in front of me. I hate it how his Vatti feels the need to rub every little tiny mistake you ever make into yer face. I'd hate to think of the things his Vatti would say if he 'slipped' before his mission or something. It makes me sad. I want to hug him. I want to cry. I want him to have a good relationship with his parental units. I've decided I don't like yelling and I don't like 'tones' ppl have with each other.
I feel like I'm pregnaunt or juss on my period. (Neither of which would come even if I wanted it juss fer yer info!) I have this giant bubble and everyone that ever comes near me has invaded it. I get tired, annoyed and irritable. I don't like to tell the boy this much tho, he doesn't take such news very well as we observed the other night. I refrain from telling him what I feel anymore esp if I know he'll 'disagree' with it. I don't think he fully understands what I want. I don't know how to explain it better and he's got it set in his mind, he won't change it. If he's so hung up on his passion/affection moment, then it prolly won't be the best to point out the fact that I don't like telling him things anymore. No more unhealthy things in a relationship. I think I'll juss keep my mouth shut until we run into something I -know- I do not feel comfortable with. Then maybe I'll fight it. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me sad. I wish I could, I guess, tell him how I feel without being scared....
Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you.
Happy Birthday Kirri. I love you.
Happy Birthday to practically the rest of the world on this day. I love you too.
I hope you like the gifts I got you. I've lost confidence in getting those things anymore. Don't think I don't think about you. Don't think I neglect you in any way. I love you like I've always loved you, even if I don't show it very well. I will always be here for you. Smile; somebody loves you, and it's not juss me.
It's juss another one of those days when I say...
"Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better."
Nod and go to bed.