Up and then down
I woke up this morning in a great mood. Besides the hour extra sleep that I need. I had a good positive mood. I was excited about everything that would go on today. I really had no reason to be stressed.
I'm not excited about anything anymore. I don't know why I even bother. It was a great feeling, but it never lasts. Nothing does. I hate it how I do this roller coaster thing. I know it has bad affects on my relationships. I wish I knew how to fix it. Nobody helps me with stress tho, the only thing they do is help it along.
I was excited about wearing my pink skirt and shoes. Then I couldn't find a 'cute' shirt with it. I was excited about going to church but then the thought of sacrament and my Vatti there. I was excited to go to Parrys class b/c we found out she's pregnaunt, but no it was the same ordinary drill class. I was excited to go to combined today b/c we had a speaker. But no, juss the same ol' confusing speach as last year. I was excited to see the boy (I kept having visions of holding his hand all thru church), but then I got Project Reality and numbers invovled. I was excited to do pumpkins when they went along and did them pritty much w/o me. I was excited to help them, but then got stuck with juss the camera to take pictures (Vatti's job so he could help). I was excited to paint a pumpkin with the boy, but I dont know what to paint and he's not done with his family thing yet. I was excited to show my sista the stuff I got from school, my play, what Dallin got me (Princess license plate thing), but no she didn't have time the kids demand her time. The part that made me snap was getting my sista and Mutti involved with my Project. Mistake. I want to spend time with Braxton and Minnie. But that doesn't seem to matter they go on and do things w/o me. Sad.
I find myself saying "Wednesday needs a time out" and going off somewhere alone. I find that juss having a short lil' cry will make things better for awhile. It doesn't have to be long, I juss have to blurt out everything I'm crying about. I know I'm looking at all the bad things that happened today, total opposite of what I was thinkin' this morning. I know it's my choice. Nobody cares, nobody notices. I try, but it's all empty. I can still do it all, it's juss...empty...no happy feelings anymore. I think I need pills. *cries* I dont want pills. I'm scared. I'm not stable emotionally and it hurts me. This is prolly why I can't uphold friends right now. I wish I had a friend now. I wish someone would 'understand' like Terry Barns does. I feel so alone. I'm sorry, I can't help feeling that way. I need to find productive things to do and think about when I get like this.
This week is Hell Week for school.
As in training, as in they yell at you to be perfect and make you redo it over and over until you are pooped and definately not making any progress. Then they threaten you are perfect or you don't perform the next week. This is the week when they call surprise rehearsals that last -forever-. But then after this week, you are performing and wondering where all the time had went. I'll at least try to be positive about Hell Week, if I can't about Halloween and today.
How am I suppose to conquer myself and my weaknesses when I can't even stay afloat emotionally?
I don't know what to do.
Well, for now, I'll do what I usually do. Dry the tears and go meet the boy and hope he doesn't notice anything. It's easy. Act like nothing happened. Even if you throw up from crying so hard. Life moves on. Maybe I can force myself to be happier around him. I don't wanna drag him down with me. I hate it what my anxiety does to us now.