Listening to: Israel Israel God is Calling
Beware: Novel 1006 in Wednesdays book.
A typical convo after a night of rehearshal...
Parent: So how was rehearshal tonight?
Teen: I think it went pritti good...
Parent: Why so unsure?
Teen: Well, Cody said we look like poo on stage with wrinkly costumes and told us to take a bath. And...Amy, I think she's the nicest one besides her "I'll kill you" comments at random moments. She juss told us as kindly as possible that we needed to work on some dances.
Then Cauldwell the ornery one, he's like the twin of Simon (You are the worst singer I've ever heard)only said "You suck" about a dozen times verses the ...like five dozen he usually does. It was shocking. Other than that he juss repeated rapidly orders very irritately at the very people he told us not to yell at or say they don't do their jobs. Ironic don't cha think? Maybe b/c he yells so much at them, that they might not actually be doing their job?
And Nan, well she just stomped on the floor and yelled, sometimes whined, "Stop it!" as if we were violently beating each other and she couldn't control the situation. But she said that we should tell everyone the play is going to be ready and gonna be great come opening night. Besides everything I juss mentioned, this is gonna be a great show!
So we get yelled at a lot...the tech doesn't do their job a lot and need a lot of cues and we on stage juss aren't concentrating enuff and acting the best....but...the show is gonna be great!
Haha no, I'm juss kidding. The show really is going to be great. You will be amazed if you saw it... I don't care who you are, what age or anything you will definately find something that catches yer fancy and something you absolutely enjoy about it. We've sold the most tickets we've ever had since Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat....(although we spent more on costumes and fly systems but that's beside the point!)
I'm way excited for the show. I'm soo willing to sacrifice sleep and school work to do this esp for the lil' kids shows we're doing during school. This is why I love Drama....this is the reason why...the week we perform. It's all worth and all our hard work is gonna be fabulous on stage! I juss wish sometimes that ppl would know all the time put into it...instead of juss come and watch and walk away. I juss wish they knew...
We don't do this for us. We don't do it for the grade or the money. Frankly, it wouldn't be worth it if it was fer the money or for others. We do it for the look on the lil' kids faces when they see a cat with a huge hat on stage that they've been reading about. We do it to spark the imagination in their minds so they might have a dream to acheive while in highschool about joining drama. We do it to show parents what their child is capable of doing, capable of dedication and responsibility. We can even impress parents with our talents! No, we don't spend thousands and go for months without sleep juss for a grade. Oh no. And don't think someone put all this garbage in my head....like Nan told us why we were all sleep deprived. She juss helped us see this vision, but I believe it whole heartedly. We help create an illusion. A place that everyone can escape to for about 2 hours. That was my dream when I was kid. And look, here I am creating it.
It was wonderful yesterday during that all day Saturday rehearshal. Even tho it was from 7 until about 9:30ish... I was stable... I was stable mentally, emotionally, physically...everything! I didn't have ups and downs....I even ate a big meal! I wasn't depressed...thinking negativly or anything. It was a great feeling. You get me to do the same thing for about 15 hours straight and then I'm stable mentally. hehe In other words, it prolly wont ever happen again. I loved that attitude and feeling. Not having to use medication to help me. It was great! You have no idea. I juss kept having that thought randomly all day! I'm stable for once!
I don't want everyone to think this play is stressing me out to the point I want to scream, pull out all my hair and shoot myself. I'm really enjoying it. It seems a lil' stressful at times when Nan doesnt think I do my manager job...and school assignments sometimes need to be done. But that's juss a lil' bit compared to the enormous joy I'm having doing this and getting ready for opening night! Yes, I can let my lil' stresses overcome me, but it's not b/c of the play totally. Having the time of yer life positively can also overwhelm you just as much as negatively!
If you haven't noticed the play is the only thing really on my mind and it's not b/c of stress. This is what I enjoy doing. This and photography. You get me started, then yes, you prolly will be ingored whether yer family er not!
But silly me, I figgered that more of my family would like to come see me while I do what I enjoy and worked so hard for. Well, besides those in the fam that are 'obligated' to come and are having a hard time fitting it into their schedule. The sista complains of money, can't agrue with her there, I don't know what it's like to live her life. Silly me thinking that my family would actually volunteer to come see me. Naw, I decided to go around asking now. I asked my bro, he doesn't have any money. I give up. I'm paying my family members to come and see me okay?!
Mutti said once that I'm really sensitive but I try to hide/fight it. In a way I don't believe that, like my sista and her money issues. That's fine I don't care, I wouldn't care much for my brother coming er not either. I'd act like I don't care about my parents (if they had a good excuse) but still be sad if they didn't.
In the car one day on the way home, Vatti asked when I get up in the morning at 5 and go to school early if I was going to practice for the play. He asked this about a week before opening night. "No Vatti, I go to study for two hours before school for about a month and survive on no sleep and sugar only!" It somehow hurt me. It hurts me how much he doesn't notice or care. He can say he cares all he wants but it's his behavior I believe. Then he asked when the play was. I told him he could come Saturday but he'll prolly be going with Mutti on Friday. He says, "Good I wouldn't be able to go Saturday anyway I've got a game to work." Mutti and Vatti obviously don't communicate so now he knows he's going with Mutti on Friday. He didn't have a clue what week I was performing. I bet he doesn't even know where I've been when I show up at home at 10:30 at night.....esp if I don't show up until after 11 or 12 on school/performance nights. He'll juss make accusations and assume what I'm up to. It may sound weird or silly...but I juss want someone to see me perform that cares and loves me. Even if I have to pay them to come and pretend they care about my interests.
I'm glad the boy ish coming. And volunteered...the only one that besides Resa! Which made me really happy! Not even Natalie or Kirri or Megan or anyone else offered to come. It would only be out of peer pressure I guess or for some other friend of theirs. I feel like I'm juss searching for things to complain about to make me sad. But I think my Mutti ish right, it really does hurt me but I try to ingore it. Resa knows that about me already. I don't want to sound whiny and emotional like we all can think of someone we know like that.
Drama: My anti-drug.
I think I'll juss get some sleep and try to keep up in school and go on with my life. Might surprise me who cares, might not. I'll have fun anyway b/c I'm doing what I enjoy. I want to find some special way to let the directors of this show know how much I appreciate them. Seeing Cauldwell with his wife and kids the other day reminded me that he has feelings! And is human and would like to spend time with his family but doesn't because of us. He's done so much. Time to celebrate our enemies. Never really liked the guy much, but I appreciate him.
I don't mean to say that nobody cares about me. But the truth is that everyones behaviors all point to the "I dont care" section. Juss the reality of it all. *shrugs* It's juss a play right....nothing too important or special.
I took a depression test...unofficially. I got 3 out of the 8 questions. So I'm kinda depressed but he was surprised at my optimisim. haha My whole tomorrow will be better bit. Despite everything I juss said, I'm really quite happy. I juss needed to get all that out of my head so it'll stop replaying in my mind. I'll get over it and move on. I'm pritti happy right now.
Someone is always watching us...
Someone always cares...
Someone always knows...
Someone is always there...
Israel Israel God is Calling....
That's something I hold dear to my heart right now. Up at home, someone cares. I want to go home, but I'm having such a great time down here. He'll be supporting me from up there and I won't be so home sick. I think I'm gonna go read my scriptures and take a lil' nap.