So Thursday seemed to be our best day and we all felt it! But than of course we get the usual run down with Wharton. "You definately did better than last night! *cheers* But did we do our very best? *groans* Yeah, I know, I'm picky but it has to be perfect until I cheer!" Yeah, the day pigs fly. No such thing as a perfect show! And who knows, perhaps we really truly honestly DID do our best that we could! *shrugs* Thursday was fantastic! And Friday I hear was even more fab fab! I didn't feel it as much Friday night tho....but whadeva. All I know is Thursday was great! Great feeling!
But this Saturday...oh bother...was a whole other story. It was the most lack of energy
I've ever had during a show. I was like tired but depressed at the same time. I tried but it was all soo soo fake and I felt stupid and juss wished the scene would be over so I could go home. But than again that whole self-esteem of not being important got to me to.
I felt bad b/c my bro, Scott and Derek were there watching, but I juss didn't have the energy....*shrugs* They're boys they prolly wouldn't know a difference let alone care eh?
It's frustrating b/c everytime I go to a show after being with the boy I'm not happy...I'm stressed...depressed...freakin tired...or something is wrong! I don't know what it is about the boy that makes me that way. Maybe it's the things he talks about juss stresses me out. *shrugs* I juss wanted to arrive at a show happy. I think I kinda did that on Friday b/c I went early and he was at work.
But it was the sweetest thing...
Well as sweet as you can get with a party animal, smoker and prolly juss plain stoner. Dustin was on the phone and I heard this convo "I can't go tonight! I'm not going! Why? Because I have more important things to do!" I was a lil' confused at why he was actually turning someone down b/c usually its for a party and he parties on the weekends all the time. When he got off I asked him why he wasn't going to this party and was so assertive about it. He said
"I have more important things to do tonight. I have a play to go to."
It was definately better than "You have a play tonight? What time? Where?" or "I guess I'll have to go Friday...its the only day I have free" or "If I have to..." or "If I remember..." Isn't that sweet he's going to skip a party and not be drunk for one night so he can go see me in the play! It was so...different the way it all sounded, it was like an "I love you" along with a "My lil' sista ish important to me" kinda thing. I didn't know what to do. So me being a girl..naturally....cried.
This is strange...well to me...I mean...last year I didn't feel loved about the play either and wasn't an important part (more important than this year tho. I was the trap door opener!) Mutti got me a flower and made a lil' banner. For some funny reason, I juss want a flower...thats all I really ask fer. I might not respond or anything...I juss want a flower. Juss like everyone else. I was hoping all those times that the boy decided to ditch me randomly during the day that he'd get me something. *shrugs* False hopes. It's okay to dream right? I hoped if my parents weren't gonna give me one that at least the boy would think of it. It's okay tho. He's poor and stressed. I forgive him. He doesn't want to spend money period anymore...hehe now he knows how I feel about money spending. He's not so lenient anymore.
Just one...simple...flower that's all... Is that too much to ask for from the lil' girl in the back that nobody can see or hear? The lil' girl up front that has that one line? The lil' girl that helps everyone else onto the stage at the right times? The girl that sits in the dressing room until the show is over?
One more show....Just one more...
Then back to no life and trying to catch up in school...getting ready for the next tri...and going back to work.
Just one more show and I'm officially a loser again. Not juss the loser on stage.