Sometimes When You Win You Lose
What Dreams May Come
YOU didn't force yourself to get up on Friday
YOU didn't have stress on your body you didn't know about
YOU didn't keep asking the same stupid questions over and over again
YOU didn't find out you didn't make it into the play (either one)
YOU didn't have to choose a different class to take
YOU didn't have decide to take a fun class or have 3 college classes in one tri
YOU didn't go to work that night and not remember a lot of stuff b/c you haven't worked there for a few weeks
YOU weren't late for work b/c YOU didn't have to go Old Main and deal with grouchy ladies to set up a direct deposit account for Decemebers check
YOU didn't end up dumping a whole pan of BBQ chicken on a co-worker AND a client
YOU didn't have to remember who you dumped BBQ sauce on to pay for his dry cleaning
YOU weren't made fun of the rest of the night
YOU didn't feel sorry and like crap the rest of the night
YOU didn't get lost trying to find your way to the cast party
YOU didn't go to the cast party and pritti much do nothing b/c the only talk was "I'm so excited and happy for the next shows"
YOU weren't the one being asked "Did you get into the show?" or "did you make auditions?" and hafta say "No" and walk away.
YOU weren't sensitive that night while everyone else had fun
YOU weren't the one that was a party pooper and wanted to go home early
YOU weren't the one that had to get up at 6 the next morning and go BACK to work and relive the whole 'BBQ incident' through other people
YOU weren't the one that came home and took a nap
YOU weren't the one being accused of being lazy by who ever called/showed up at the house and found out I was sleeping
YOU weren't the one not being recognized for my 'hard work' haha to pay for a date
YOU weren't the one that was excited, twitterpatted and nervous for a date
YOU weren't the one that was on the bathroom floor praying so hard that everything would go fine and we'd all get along
YOU weren't the one trying your hardest that night to please/get along with a boy even ingoring bad behavior hoping it'd go away so it wouldn't ruin the rest of the night
YOU weren't the one that tried so hard you even offered stunts to make it a funner time even in the pictures to make a boy happy....or even being hyper and romantical b/c you know he likes it
YOU weren't the one that wanted to go straight to bed after you tried so hard to make the night good
YOU weren't the one that had such a great "Happy anniversary" you thought went a lil sour with disagreement and tension
YOU weren't the one that had so much idealism locked up inside and who's heart broke like glass when something wasn't idealistic (perfect)
YOU weren't the one that spent Sunday afternoon wallowing in self pity b/c of what happened the past couple of days
YOU weren't the one that spent Sunday evening crying on your boyfriends basement floor with him behind you
YOU weren't the one that had to pry yourself out of bed Monday because you knew it would be a disaster
YOU weren't the one couldn't get along with a boy -again- just like the night you went on a date
YOU weren't the one that felt so stupid b/c nobody had the patience to deal with you and your problems
YOU weren't the one that got frustrated but scared to ask anyone for help for fear of impatience
YOU weren't the one that got a piece of paper in the mail with numbers and words on it that you couldn't comprehend
YOU weren't the one that had an anxiety attack in the waiting room of the dentist office because you couldn't read a piece of paper
YOU aren't the one that was scared to ask someone to help you read this paper
YOU aren't the one that -still- doesn't know her ACT score b/c she can't read the paper with all the numbers
Do you know what it feels like to have it right there in your hand and not be able to read/comprehend it? Not know what it says? Be scared to ask anyone b/c they'd make fun of you? Have no one in mind that wouldn't make fun of you? Read and re read and still not know what it means? Not know if you did good or bad?
YOU aren't the one that cried in the dentist office
YOU aren't the one that is numb and in pain
YOU aren't the one that cannot have any emotion at this point in time
YOU aren't the that got a phone call about someone else knowing their ACT score b/c they can read the paper and charts juss fine
YOU aren't the one that feels totally handicap and doesn't want to ask for help from anyone b/c they think yer stupid
YOU aren't the one that wants to curl up in a ball right now and cry but can't
I use 'you' statements b/c they are unhealthy and often lead to disagreement, agruments and juss plain tension, but that's all I hear now a days. Nobody cares about 'I' statements anymore. I'm glad this is in my journal b/c if I would say this outloud I'd be sad that I said it. If I wrote it on paper I'd rip it up and pretend I didn't think such thoughts. But this should be a save place to keep and log thoughts away. It's nice to get it out.
I will continue to wallow in self pity.
This is my last day of school.
From now on I get to do what I want.
Leave me alone.