Listening to: What Heaven Sees In You
Moral of the Story
You don't want to read this one....it's too long and complains too much. Novel number...1234?
Yay the sound on our compy works now so now I can play my EFY CD.
Thinking about my last entry and my EFY CD, I just want to shake all my friends that went to EFY with me and tell them to remember how they felt there that week going back and forth from USU and home for 5 full days with no worldy things, not even music b/c we listened to this CD the whole time. Remember how it felt? Remember what you felt every day and the difference it made in your relationships and leaving that place? Don't go back to the worldly things! Remember that peace?! Remember the fun, don't you want that feeling again? Won't you do anything to get that feeling back?? Remember!
The nightmare of Wednesday Night:
On Wednesday I think it was Mutti was sick and is like the primary caregiver of Scott on the weekdays but she didn't really care anymore after being so sick as long as he didn't get like seriously injured she juss laid on the couch. I felt bad for her b/c all I want when I'm sick is a break and I tried to do things for her but there was nothing just to leave her alone on the couch. I even asked her and she said juss to leave her alone. I asked her if I should babysit if anyone was leaving and she said that nobody was leaving so they didn't need a babysitter. As in Vatti would be home and watch Scott and she'd lay on the couch.
Finally Mutti juss asked if I would do the dishes that night after dinner. I said okay, b/c it was obviously the only thing that I could help her with. It was that night when Vatti came down and in his such nice polite way said, "You are lazy and for once could you not think about yourself, I know it's going to be hard. Come up and help the family out." I came up and talked to him and he continued to insult by telling me I was blind and it was an insult to him to have to come get me and tell me that the family needs help b/c I can't see that the house is a mess and Scott is rampaging around with no authority.
I thought it was funny, ironic that he said I was blind in my own house about what was going on, when he didn't even know that I was apart of theatre class and rehearsing for a play and performing a couple nights in November. We live in the same house too! He had to call the boy to see where I was the nights I was rehearsing. I'm blind huh?
I didn't know what else to do b/c when I came home she juss wanted the dishes done and Scott would be taken care of. I didn't know that Vatti was going to his meeting b/c Mutti made it sound like he wasnt. I didn't know that Vatti wouldn't watch Scott when he got home. The house was a mess when I came upstairs again, so I was wondering what Vatti was doing to help. He said he was getting ready for his meeting while Scott was tearing apart the house. I didn't know he couldn't watch Scott while getting dressed? I didn't know he was leaving.
It made me so frickin angry that he had the nerve to call me selfish when the only thing I've done since Mutti was sick was ask what I could do to help. I came home everyday to see if I could watch Scott until Vatti came home. The nerve to call me blind of all people in this household. I was angry that he was angry at me b/c I didn't clean up the house or watch Scott when he was upstairs the whole time. I was angry that he couldn't ask me to help watch Scott while he took a shower. I was angry b/c he wanted me to basically read his mind at what he wanted me to do while sitting downstairs. I was angry that he took his stress out on me. I was angry that he said he was worried about Mutti the most. Bullcrap! He was worried about the house, about Scott, about his punctuality to his meeting, his own anxiety not others!
I could get past all that...his taking out his anxiety on me, all his insults, I could just ingore him. If only he had ASKED instead of come down and started off with an insult and then yelling at me to do something. When you start out negativly, do you think ppl are willing to obey you? Doesn't happen so much. If you ask nicely, people are more inclined to help. Then he got on his lil' high and mighty path and said, "I don't have to ask you to do anything in this house. You do as I say." blah blah...well that's great Vatti but not a whole lot of stuff is gonna get done then. We can't read your mind, you're gonna hafta ask for help when you need it? Not insult others and command it of them. You know all those listening and conflict skills we learned in Adult Roles, it would really work if both parties are willing to participate. It would've worked if he didn't get all high and mighty on me.
He is the master at making conflicts arise in the family. When he's stressed others get blamed for it...b/c he can't handle his stress he has to take it out on others. He wanted a list of things I would do while he was at his meeting to help the family. As in do the dishes, clean the house, mop the floor, clean Scotts room, watch Scott, take care of Mutti. He asked me if I even knew how to take care of Mutti, I said pritti much leave her alone, theres nothing much you can do. I even asked. He laughed and said, "You don't know the first thing about taking care of her do you?" Oh yeah, like the father of contention who doesn't know sympathy if it slapped him in the face is telling me how to have compassion for a sickling? I like to be left alone when I'm sick too.
It made me angry that he would ask me to do all those things that he wouldn't even do if he didn't have that meeting. He wouldn't clean Scotts room, and he definately wouldn't mop the floor and he doesn't know how to help Mutti anymore than I do. But I don't really dwell on that, b/c fairness in chores is juss out of the question, I juss noticed he wanted me to do more than he'd ever do in one night.
He wanted to know what I'd do in his mean way. And I'll tell you, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, telling him the things I'd do was like giving up my pride and saying "yes master". I am WAY to stubborn to do such for anybody. ESPECIALLY after they tell me they are so much better than me, and insult me and then expect me to do things for them. It took everything I had to say, "Fine I'll do all that stuff" in his face and see his stupid eyebrows go up in his prideful way and stutter in surprise and say "Good. You better do that" In my family when he says to do something insultingly and so demanding, we don't do it simply. I don't know if it's prideful or juss plain stubborn and stupid, but we don't. For the first time I let him have his way.
I didn't do it for him granted, I did it for Mutti and Scott. I figgered I had a choice, say no and be stubborn and hurt others and basically end up like my bro, saying no until he got to the point of drugs and leaving the church. Or...saying yes, doing those things and hopefully be a better person and not end up like Dustin. I hated doing it b/c it shot down my pride, battle of pride against pride and he won, b/c all I asked was for him to ASK me to help him, b/c it puffed him to say he didn't have to ask, b/c it said to him that it might work everytime so he could conquer me. But if I said no than it would tell him that I was just like every other lazy stupid teenager in the world, and going to end up like my brother just b/c I refuse to do what he says. I didn't want him to think it was okay and that he'd win everytime he treated me like that. If you let someone hit you once and get away with it, they'll do it again until they have control over you. I won't let his negative thoughts and his stress control me and my life.
During all this conflict I mad the mistake of going downstairs, which was a direct target to the boy. I knew he would attack the boy juss b/c he knew it would push my buttons. He told the boy to go home. He did that juss to make me angry! That's how he does fights, find your weakest spot and stabs you there. Mutti hates it too, that's the worst way to fight, pushing buttons. I always think of my Mutti crying everytime someone takes a jab at a her buttons or someone else. Even if the boy does something mean to me and I first think about going on a date with someone else juss to get him back, I think of my Mutti crying and I don't do it b/c I know my Vatti taught me that. He can have that whole "I don't have to ask" attitude if I knew in advance and still didn't do it. But I didn't know in advance and it was the first time that he brought it up! I don't read minds! I'm sorry if I'm blind to see that the house is a mess b/c he was upstairs with them all too!
I cried because of his pridefulness. I cried because of his stress. I cried because of the insults he told me. I cried because he can't even ask for help, yells at others b/c they don't help, and expect everyone to read his mind. I cried b/c I always get yelled for things I didn't know I was supposed to do. I cried b/c the boy was there and heard it all, but I don't care as much as he does tho. I cried b/c I couldn't help Mutti or Scott that much. I cried b/c my pride got shot down and I didn't want to be treated like that anymore. I cried b/c I let him get away with his 'wrong' thinking. I cried b/c I didn't know if what I did was the right/best thing. I cried b/c I didn't know if I stood up for myself or not b/c I had the right frame of mind. I cried b/c I didn't know if I even was right and he was wrong or not. I cried b/c for once I want someone to ask for help instead of yell and insult me. I cried b/c I wanted at least one of my parents to act like they cared for once, but Mutti was in her 'don't care' mood being sick and Vatti was yelling and stressed don't care mood. I juss wanted a parent to love and hold me for a second while I cried. I juss want to be treated as an equal and not something you HAVE to live with. I want to be treated like a Daughter of God. It's not like I'm going to be nasty and yell NO and call you names if you are clearly stressed and ask me to do something.
After all that I went to the boys house and I saw his parents. I saw the humility they have and the love and hugs they'd give their son if he asked for it. I juss wanted to go over and kiss his Mutti on the cheek juss for a sign of affection to parents. I wanted to hug one of them and cry on their shoulder. I know it's a lil' wierd to think that with the boys parents but still.... The only other parent I think I would go to would be Sue Jensen....I love Paula and Janet but I juss dont think they have the compaticy to hold onto to such. The boys parents actually invite me to things with the family. The only thing my parentals do is say yes when -I- want to invite him on a camping trip...who does that?? I wished they showed more love toward him ...but I guess that would mean they need to show it to me first huh...well, in that case forget it. I like his parents and I wish I wasn't so scared of affection and their way of life to get to know them better.
There my venting on my Vatti. He won. He is still prideful. It hurt me. The insults. The choices I had. The reasons I cried. What I don't want him to think he can do to me again. More reasons why it's getting clearer that he doesn't exactly love me. If you loved them, would you try to be better than them? Try to rule and dictat them? Would you insult them and make them feel like crap? The boy told me something that made sense. Some people use insults to make others feel guilty to pressure them into trying to make up for their faults/mistakes, to fulfill that guilty spot by doing what they say. It's a mindgame. He plays mind games with us. I hate it and I want him to know they won't work on me. I am human and can figger those things out. There I'm done venting. The moral of the story: ASK for help when you need it ppl can't read minds!
Anyways......The other theme of the week I've noticed is that nobody can take credit for their own mistakes! It's not so hard! But apparently it's easier to blame others. Nobody can admitt they are wrong. I say in Wesa's case she hates to be told what to do by others she basically thinks are 'stupider' or 'dumber' or juss plain lower class than her which would be people like me and Misty. She'll take orders from those in higher positions than her, but not those in the same position or lower. I've always even hated to hint that Resa was ever doing something wrong, b/c the response is always the same "No I'm doing it right!" until someone else points out that the food doesn't belong in the fork rack. lol jk She admitted that she's the worst at admitting she's wrong, you have no idea what a relief that was to me that she knew that. Not that I'm always right either, but we all make mistakes, IT'S OKAY. I take her advice most of the time. I want to be treated as an equal.
And then there's sweet McCall that doesn't really want to admitt she was wrong in estimating time. I mean it's okay, we all make mistakes but the whole night blamed us for being so 'slow' on drinks and making us behind in schedule. We did drinks the way we normally did and she didn't tell Wesa how many stacks she wanted, and she under estimated time, but she didn't need to blame us for it the whole night. Just manage time better, IT'S OKAY.
I woke up on Saturday and felt like crap. Yup, I'm definately sick. But after I got some pills and hung around the boy I was feeling better. I took a shower and that helped. I slept from midnight until like 1:30 in the afternoon. When I'm sick I love to sleep. It goes school, sleep, school, sleep, church, sleep, school, sleep...yeah...until I get better. But really if I take sinus pills I'm feeling much better, juss a lil fever. But since I got sick I feel like I have way too much time to think and thats not good with me. So I thought up some really weird things. I've thought about car wrecks, hurricances, tornados, earthquakes, nativty scenes etc. I had a dream that the ward was doing the Nativity scene on the stage at church and they need props like gold from the wise men and sheep for the shepards and stuff... so I brought my dog and had one of the shepards hold him hiding his tail and he looked like a baby lamb. It was funny.
I'm really hyper and jumpy when I'm sick tho. I went to Hamiltons with the boy the other night...at first I was excited...but then I got not so excited but by the end of the day I was having a great time. I had teriaki chicken with mashed potatoes and cheesecake. I ate more than I would -ever- eat at a resturant! I was so proud! Lindsey next to me on a date with Eddie didn't eat much, she ate like I used to. I usually bring doggy bags home, not that night! Weee....a whole chicken thing with mashed potatoes and after that cheesecake! The boy even noticed and was proud! WEeee! I guess I was sick and starved enuff I got rid of anxiety and ate! Even tho I was in pain the rest of the night b/c of it, but hey it was worth it. I've noticed that I get really hyper and happy after I work/hang with Resa! She's so funny and cute!
So I woke up for church at like 12:04...I was hungry and needed to take pills so there goes Fast Sunday. I feel bad, I really do, but I need pills, nurishment, drink! Then I went to church late b/c I knew I couldn't sit that long thru a meeting. I totally didn't think about a fever plaguing me tho! I had sweat coming from places I didn't even know I could sweat from! I went to the restroom to try and plug all the holes that were sweating, but I couldn't keep up! My palms were disgusting and my armpits...we won't even go there! Ugh...stupid fever..I was freezing the whole time, but sweating. I wore my spring dress and pink sandals. Mutti thought I was crazy and told me to wear socks....who would wear socks if they are going to trudge thru the snow? You don't want them wet and cold. Along with my sweat I have the worst breath ever and my throat doesn't hurt, it's juss clogged up kinda swollen up. I brush my teeth and tongue like every five minutes to get rid of the smell and taste. Being sick is icky, other than that I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. :D
Well, Vatti ish getting impatient b/c I'm taking all of his time on the compy and ish only worried about the compy. I assured him that I'd be off and leaving the house even so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. So he wouldn't have to worry about me stealing his compy while he was stressing about things he needed to do.
So with this novel the only thing I ask of you to learn from it is to ask for help when you need it and admitt when you are wrong. It's okay, really. I guess it's okay to admitt you're sick too. Blah.