Listening to: Peter, Paul & Mary - Puff the Magic Dragon
All My Love is For You
I kept thinking about this all day.
Every month out of the whole year I can seem to get a boyfriend, but once it comes to Feburary.... I don't have anyone. For how long I've had my boyfriend, I've never had one for Valentines Day. I've always been nervous about it b/c I never knew what I'd get for a boyfriend if I had one on V-day. You get all these good ideas but you can't do any of it b/c you don't have anyone to love you. Every year I end up sending myself something b/c I don't have a boy.
Honestly, every other month of the year except for the "Love" month. I'm jinxed or something. It either starts in Feb but doesn't go anywhere or it ends juss before Feb begins! grrr! It kind of makes me angry. It's like the first time I get a boy on V-day won't be until I'm like 21 or something. Lame. Guh.
The closest thing I had to 'having' a boy on V-day was taking a red-headed stranger out for the first time. And it wasn't even on V-day. And on the real V-day I pritti much went out and got kissed merely out of desparation by the boy that pritti much used me. Lame. It started in Feb....but didn't really start until March. And now everything ends juss before Feb starts.
I think it's really weird though going to the Valentines Dance with him again. It doesn't seem like love. It's not that the boy doesn't love me anymore it's just, he doesn't want to, he prefers not to love me if he can help it. Ever since he ended it. I wonder sometimes if I should have some credit for 'ending it' to sometimes I want it so I don't feel so stupid. But I couldn't really fully agree with that. I'm still madly in love with the boy.
He says we're broke up but nothing has changed except he doesn't hold my hand or kiss me and throws in my face every once in awhile how he'll go dating and who with. Other than that he still holds me and stuff. Sometimes I question if what he does if friends would really do that. hehe. I don't mind, I didn't want him to go in the first place. In fact, I've noticed this week I've seen him more during the week than I did when we were together. hehe I'm slowly weening myself off of him. Trying to get my independence back.
My goal now is to go to college and be single and literally try my hardest not ever get a boyfriend -ever- again. I'll only destroy their lives not to mention mine as I've proved in the past. Thou shalt not make the same mistake again. Please someone force me to never steady date again. No steady dating. Maybe no dating at all. I don't care.
I keep wondering if this is what I want. When I was with him I kept wondering and wishing for the day that I'd be able to date again, I couldn't help it. But now that day has come and it's juss...uncomfortable. I remember writing down that when I almost lost him that I didn't have that wish to date anymore. I hope one day I'll be like everyone else and get over it and move on and be happy single. Now I can flirt shamelessly, I guess. The only slightly bad part ish I'll never be 'single' in high school in everyone elses eyes, but thas okay I don't want to date anymore. I just want to go to the Valentines Dance and Prom. And if no one asks me to Prom I will go with my Vatti. And I mean it.
He seems to be happy to be out dating and things now. He says it's hard for him but his actions say differently. Honestly, actions speak louder than words. It was comforting when he expressed his real emotion that night. But now it's like it never happened and he doesn't have any feelings about it and can do whatever apatheticly. I'll try that too. I went past his house like twice today. I think I'll never be able to stop going by his house. He said he'd call, but he didn't.
I always spend V-Day alone, when I had a bf juss a month earlier. Ugh. Why. Why now? Can't it wait until after the whole love thing happens? Whatever. You don't care. Maybe Braxton will be my Valentine this year. I found some sexy pictures of that kid! They're so cute!
Minnie came over and we started printing out pictures tonight for scrapbooking. I was on a hyper note all night "Min Min Min" copying Dallin and I couldn't hold still and think straight. Then I was amazingly hungry and wouldn't stop eating beans and stuffing. Then I got bad cravings for junk food so Kirri and I went to the store and got bags of junk food.
We bought a flower/rose for Aubree and went to her performance "You Can't Take It With You". It was hilarious! I was happy and smily and not caring all night long and it made others juss bright up around me as well. I noticed a huge difference when I was truly happy and hyper. We determined our favorite parts when Katie suggests that Essie and Ed should have a baby, and Essie asks Ed and he says it's fine as long as it's fine with her and she decides she needs to ask grandpa if they should first. Then later on in the show Ed asks Essie if she's asked grandpa yet and she says that he said "yup, go ahead" and his eyes go all bright and grabs her hand and he takes off running off stage with her. Her lil' "Oh!" on the way out. hehe!
Our second favorite part is when JB was playing darts and throws one and it hits the wall (planned or not) his facial expressions explained it all! You had to be there to know how funny it was. I watched Ms. Whartons eyes pop out and bust up laughing when it stuck in the wall. He was trying so hard not to break character too. It was so good, being old and couldn't see very well and missing at darts. I loved it! Aubrees laughs and dancing was great too! Makes me laugh! I think she liked the flower we brought. Nobody ever did that for me when I was in shows so I imagine how it feels when it does happen. I think I'll give up in the show business.
After that Kirri and I went to the ATM and danced and sang. Then off to WalMart merely to break a 20 where I ended up buying another music toy for Braxtons birthday morrow and then I brought some containers for my candles that are cute valentine-ish. One of the containers says "all my love is for you". It was then I realized I was going to have to come to Wally World around Valetines Day and spoil myself while drowning in self-pity for my lack of skills to keep a boy for the "love day" of the year.
Then I realized I had a headache and was extremely tired. Then I let Kirri drive up by the cemetary where we saw deer! Then I came home and Mutti was fuming in Minnies van when I rememebered she was supposed to go to work at 11, percisely the time I arrived home. So now that I feel like crap and have a headache, heartache and much guilt. I think I shall go to bed now. After all I went to bed at midnight last night too.
"All you need is love.
For what? Does it get you anywhere?
I feel like crying myself to sleep again.
Will I ever stop?
My nightlight, my music, my blanky, my teddy, curling up in a ball and juss crying.
"Just hold me close to you...Just hold me close to you"
A part of me died that day....Jan. 29.
And I don't know if it'll ever come back.