Listening to: Rent
Take Me Baby or Leave Me
When he reaches out thats when I have to decide to hold onto him tighter or run away.
Walked into the office to see Patsy (the paralegal I work with) standing on a chair holding a pitcure of water over her plants and staring blankly off into the distance talking about getting Harry Potter tickets to herself.
He reached out on Sunday and since then I've had like 2 maybe 3 guys ask me out, flirt with me or... in a sense.. kidnap me. I thought being with Adam would stop all that. But no, it has to make things harder.
Stupid weakness. I must conquer... if not for me and my sanity, but for his. I can do that, I can do something really hard that involves sacrifice as long as it's not for my benefit.
But everytime a boy calls or asks me out I get that horrible feeling I get whenever I got home from other dates before. It's just a sick feeling, and for the first time I -want- to NOT date others because I want to be with someone in specific and only them. Even when I was with Derek I still wanted to do the 'date around' thing because I was 'young'. In my journal: "Only the Lord knows how often I come home from being with someone else and just cry. Only He knows how much I want to hug or even talk to Adam. How much I cry even while talking to him because I can't touch him."
I've been reading my past journals and I recently read my first journal about Derek and all the sadness came back...
I also found throughout my journals of Adam it says: "Note to self: Dont' fall in love with Adam"
My journal entries are getting smaller and smaller each day since we've decided to be committed to 'something'. He gave me writers block. That's rare. haha I made a funny. I'm okay being alone OR with him, not with others, so I'd rather be with him. Like the last short entry was "All I know is I'm scared to death of him. But I'm not happy without him."
One day, as scary as it is, it's going to be as short as....
I love him
Now I must go and somehow break into my Grandmothers basement...