Please, Don't Take Her
On and on ....does anybody know what we are living for?
"Inside my heart is breaking...
My make-up may be flaking...
But I have to find the will to carry on"
I feel like someone has died and nobody is taking it seriously. Nobody cares. Despite the fact that no one has died, it's as close as you can get. But still, nobody seems to take it ...seriously.
I know it's easier to ignore yours or others feelings in the moment. But these feelings are REAL. This pain is REAL. The emotions are REAL.
Grandma's in the hospital.
My one roommate I have is in the hospital.
I'm all alone at the house now.
She won't even let me go visit her.
I don't know what to do without her.
I don't wanna be alone.
But no one else is taking it...seriously and so they just bug me so I find it better/easier to be alone. So I am allowed to have my emotions and not get ignored.
Maybe I'm exaggerating or something, maybe she will be fine in a couple of days. But what if she doesn't? We still going to act like nothing happened? It's okay to be scared about a hospital visit esp someone of her age.
Seriously... Mutti called today and gave me an 'update' on Grandma's situation. So kind that someone would think to tell the roommate something eventually.... She asked if I would water the lawn. Renee comes in the morning to water it so I was confused why I was watering it also... but sure. She took that as a "No, I wont do anything for Grandma" or something stupid like that. She basically was like teasing..kinda mean...saying "You don't love Grandma, do you?....do you?" OH MY HELL. Right now is NOT the time to tease about that. Do you have any idea what I went through that first night she was gone? Don't accuse me, how dare you ask such a question!
I couldn't talk to her like that. I just can't handle that teasing right now. When I walk past Grandmas empty room and just want to cry. So I told her I had to go to work. She kinda got silent and asked if I was in a bad mood. Oh bother. My favorite Grandma, my roommate, my company for the past 6 months is in the hospital and prolly in pain. I'M JUST PEACHY.
Everyone ignores the feelings that comes with the news of "Grandma is in the hospital." I know, I can tell by their voices when they talk to me, that they're scared or something. That it's serious. They wanted to give her a blessing; that means something. Fact: It's not good when a 76 yr old lady goes to the hospital to have her stomach pumped with the possibility of surgery next. They all seemed stressed b/c nobody really knows whats going on. But b/c we're stressed we make jokes and tease each other on that subject? Is that right?
I want just ONE person to acknowlegde that they are scared or ..something, an emotion about Grandmas situation! If not acknowledge their own feelings, at least let me have MINE. Leave me alone, so I can express my pain and panic. Just acknowledge it like say one simple sentence, "I know you're scared about Grandmas situation, but she'll be fine."
Adam is very good at ignoring feelings...
So he can leave me alone so I can have them and he doesnt have to be burdened with it.
I'll do it alone.
Like everything else I've done in this world.
I just want to turn on musick as loud as I possibly can just to drown out the thoughts and fears in my head. I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be numb. I want the pain to stop. I know I might be the tough, nothing-affects me person. But I'd seriously break down for a couple of days if Grandma left me for good. I'm having a hard enough time and she's only going temporarily. I may be taking this overboard right now, but I'm still allowed to be scared. If you dont wanna deal with me then leave me alone and let me handle it my way. Alone.
I'll admit it.
I'M SCARED OKAY? I'M SCARED.