Listening to: Dashboard - The Good Fight
She sat at the piano
I soo did NOT want to get up for church today. I can't believe I fought it so hard. A long battle with myself. Never have I ..not wanted to go to church so badly. Weird.
I convinced myself to go for at least one hour so I can fulfill that one commandment I tend to miss so much... and to say that I went so I wouldn't completely to lie to Grandma.
I threw on a yellow skirt. I still only had a tank top on from last night so I just threw a hoodie on over top of it. No bra. No shirt and baggy sweater. Didn't do my hair. Grumpy. I brought this huge notebook cuz I dont have a journal anymore.
I went back and forth from 3 pages just...scribbling. From one liners to poems, to quotes from the puplit to thoughts and feelings, even some TV commercial songs.
Didnt feel like staying like I hoped I would. As I walked away I pleaded in my heart, "please, someone stop me." Doesnt really work when you dont have friends.
I went home... I was freezing, my legs and feet. I ate potatoe salad and toast. I like gulped it down. I threw in some laundry and got ready for a shower.
Then I sat at the piano and attempted to play some songs. It got more difficult as the tears blurred my vision. I burst into tears while still attempting to play. I finally gave up and bowed my head and held my hands and just cried. Then I did my usual sit in the shower and cry for hours. My comfort zone. All I needed was noodles and/or pineapple and I was golden.
I went upstairs and went back to bed.
I slept all day essentially cept for those 2 hours I went to church, ate and showered.
I think I'm allergic to my tears. It burns.
My eyelashes didn't like it either. Stings.
Anyways... I didn't want to talk to anyone or deal with anything. Just lay in bed.
I got up for food tho and tolerated the cousins. Watched Anastasia...let Min sleep in my bed so I wouldn't go back to bed in my black hole of thought.
Then I sat at the compy and wrote in my CD journal. Like three pages. And even added to my very first entry. I love that entry. Its lasted a long time. I wouldn't stop writing tho.
I only allow myself the black hole one day. Why did it have to be Sunday? Sheesh.
I'll still listen to sad songs tho.
"This purchased rebellion has been outbidded,
Denounced and rescinded and left to die championless.
I begged you not to go.
I begged you, I pleaded.
Claimed you as my only hope
And watched the floor as you retreated."