Listening to: Phil Collins - Look Into My Eyes
So...my plan was to totally veg tonight.
Natalie said she was going home and she'd take me.. and after I thought about it...it really sounded good. I didnt want to at first b/c the boy was up here, but I wont let him scare me away from my own home.
I wanted to go ice skating and rent 1408. That would be a lovely night. And entice the boy to come watch a scary movie with me. And then planned on sleeping until the baby shower and then go back to SLC. yeah, my plan...
BUT, of course it never goes the way you want it to. Apparently, we were staying until Sunday afternoon. Ice skating was prolly closed when I got home at 8pm and wasn't worth going to anyway in that short of time. Of course, 1408 was rented out late on a Friday night in this valley. I was in the mood to watch Empire Records for some reason so I went to get that and went to Muttis work.
I finally found the "E"s and didnt see it, so I was walking out the guy asked if I hadnt found what I wanted and I didnt and told him to find it...and he did. Then I went to pay for it and he asked for my member ID or something, I didnt have one so I gave him the phone number for my families member card.
Then he wanted to know who I was in the family, (and my name isnt on the membership) and before I could answer he was attempting to pronounce the only girl name listed on the membership. "Pppaa" He eventually got out "patricia" and made it sound all spanish like. Who doesnt know how to pronounce that name? Seriously. But he had a hard enough time with the phone number tho so it makes sense I guess.
So since he decided to name me already I wasn't gonna make up or guess who else was on the membership so I said sure, thats me.
For some reason I had no desire to eat, whatsoever. I had cereal at 9am, bagel at 1pm, a piece of cake at 3pm and a roll at 5:30pm and a piece of pizza at 10pm. I felt sick. I feel like I'm gonna throw up everything I eat. Prolly juss cuz I'm here...with him.
I thought I was gonna cry or some emotion on the drive up here with Natalie and Misty, but no I just sat there staring into abyss. Dont even remember what I was thinkin or saying to them. My head hurt. I blasted Linkin Park most of the way. I just wanted to be numb tonight. No emotions. I dont care.
I wanted to go numb by skating. Usually this week I would run around the block until I couldnt feel anything or felt like dying. It felt good.
I didnt run around the block tonight so I wanted to go ice skating. It was perfect. The cold would numb my body and I would skate so hard and fast that it would numb my brain and emotions. Mind you the last time I tried to go numb I attempted swimming at 11pm in a river. I think this is a better way.
Ended up at Muttis work vowing to pollute my mind with a dirty show and junk food. Nothing good for my body or spirit right now. I just dont care anymore. I'll do what I want. I dont even know why I texted the boy. I told him what I was doing/watching and he got all 'worried'. I suppose. He even said it himself "I know I shouldnt care, but I still worry when you do that stuff" or whadeva. Why does he care? I mean the level of caring has to change.
Anyway... I think I said "well then you come over here and change it if yer so worried" and he ended up at Muttis work. Neither one of us was supposed to be there. That was my only emotion for the night. I didnt care if he came or not. I didnt care if he read through my show or not. I didnt care how long he stayed. I just ...didnt care. The second movie bored me and I couldnt stop moving. I needed my feet warm so I wandered over to me Mutti and shoved my feet under her.
It was..a lil awkward, him on one couch and me on another. Even Mutti felt awkward. It really didn't matter to me.. I got caught a few times staring at him.
We finally left at like 1:30 or 2am. I went to my truck and he went to his car, didnt even think twice about hugging me bye. Stupid cow. We stared at each other and I felt weird I didnt want to just leave like that so I went over and hugged him. Easily distracted. And we left with him saying "tell me when you get home safely". Now how many times has he said that when we were just 'friends'?? Maybe once after an attack. Why does he care now? Like I said the level of caring would normally..go down when you tell someone you dont like them anymore correct? Anyway...
I almost fell asleep on the way home. It was weird and felt funny, but reminded me of the good old days driving back from Cody at like 3am and attempting to stay awake. An odd sensation. I wasnt going to tell him that tho so I said I was home safe if he cared and he jumped down my throat with the whole "if you care" attitude I have. He says I've always done it, with driving home, yes I've always been suspicious of the caring thing, but in general...yea ok whadeva.
What does he expect from me now? The caring and love to stay there with no suspicions when he recently told me basically almost our whole relationship was a lie? I've got nothing to lose anymore. I already lost it. What does it matter now?
"I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
And lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter"
If he ever has the nerve to ask me why I 'care' about him or something I think I'll go all kung pow on his butt. I care because I've never stopped caring! I want to talk to him, be with him because I've NEVER STOPPED wanting to. I still have the same feelings. HE'S the one that changed. Why does HE want to talk to me? Why does he care?! Anyway...
"Take a look through my eyes
You'll be amazed what you find"
The words Josh told me about his marriage keep ringing in my ears. I cant decide if that talk we had was a good thing or not. Maybe it just inflicted more pain on me. I keep thinking about how lucky these people are to find someone and not have to doubt or fear each other for the most part. Maybe they're juss lucky with the whole 'dont have to date anymore' thing. Lucky.
"There are 24 usable hours in every day."