Listening to: Avril - Fall to Pieces
Cried myself to sleep
And woke up crying.
Dallin came in to wake me and get me outta bed. He was successful in waking me and making me cry. He just had to ask.
Mutti came down and asked if I would go to her ward and see Scott in the primary program. Tender. That means I have to get up tho.
Ugh. No, leave me alone. I don't care if I never get out of bed. I dont care if I never go back to SLC. Actually I felt trapped in my bed and mind for like an hour. I can't sleep past 9am anymore. I was like dying until 10:30. I dont care if I never shave anymore either.
Finally got up and found a dress that would cover my hairy legs and a shirt that would go with it, excellent and some church shoes. I didnt feel like doing my hair..so I didnt.
Went to the bathroom while Mutti whined at how long I'd be (she's the one that wanted me to go) so I told her to make me a bagel w/cream cheese, and since I didnt do my hair, I came out and ate it on the way.
Dustin came, he looked nice. It felt normal..cool..good..walking to church with him and Mutti. Rare. I love him. I knew that he would be/feel judged there, but I knew I wasn't ashamed of him, his appearance...or smell. heh I kept hugging him, I wonder if he got annoyed. Well, he cant say I dont love him.
Scott was sooo funny and cute. It was hilarious. His lil' girlfriend Cali is a very ..assertive little girl and they were sitting next to each other on the stand. And Scott was so...enthralled..so stuck on her the whole time he eyes like never came off her unless they were on the row in front of him with his family there. It was so cute, he wouldnt try to sing unless he was staring at Cali and watching her sing. He had a hard time sitting down because he was staring at her the whole time. He did everything she did. Dustin seemed slightly embarrassed. Haha His kid was soo twitterpatted and everyone knew it.
I also loved the way he stared at the boys giving the sacrament. It's funny b/c that was the way Dustin once was...You can see a look in their eye that said "I wanna do that one day, when do I getta do that?". For Dustin I suppose that is long gone tho...
Scott seemed so proud and happy that he had a whole row of his family there in front of him watching. Cute little naive boy. Grandma and Grandpa gave him the smiles and encouragement. Dustin hardly smiled and paid alot of attention to the sacrament boys also. Not much encouragment from Dustin to ..participate though. ::sigh:: And thas why we have Grandma and Grandpa, give Scott what he lacks from Dustin.
The rest of the meetings I was scribbling wildly in my journal. I didnt think any..real thoughts would come out. I mean you can only hash and re-hash things so many times right? Wrong. You can re-hash it so many different ways it's amazing really. Mutti said she wanted to read it. Awkward, but I didn't care.
Natalie said she had to leave by 1:30 and I just simply said bye. I didnt know how I was getting home and frankly, I didnt care if I ever did.
I had barely gotten some spaghetti down and some pretzel thing when Mutti started shoving a popcorn ball in my mouth. Oy.
They kept talking about guns...
Even though I said it, we all knew it wasn't true.
I went up to my Canyon Road that I always go on in the Fall. So pritti. Some of the yellow almost completely round leaves in the sun looked like polka dots lining the road. I went to the temple site that I heart so much and sat on the grass randomly and took pictures. I found a video on my camera of Adam sitting on my floor and he asked if the video was on and I said something like "I dont know...I cant tell" and he like burst into a laugh after attempting to contain it. It was the cutest thing ever. Keeping that video.
So I really wanted to play with Wesa. But I never had time and/or she wasn't home or one of us was just leaving. Sadness. I even bought some stuff to play with. I wanted to play cuz I think she's sad and stressed and I wanted to help. I didnt have time to make brownies so I bought stuff to play with. Maybe another time I guess. I thought I was going home after dinner and thats what I told her, but Loryn decided to stay longer, so I felt bad. Stupid plans soo just did not work out how I wanted them. I wanted Wesa.
Stopped by Adams before I went home to eat dinner. I didnt have anything to say. And I felt really dumb, like a stalker sitting outside his apartment. I felt even dumber when I saw him walking with Heather. Something never really settled with me about that girl. Seems more like a robot to me. Anyway. I knew he knew I was there. So I finally fessed up. I wonder what he'd do if I would've just left. Decided it was another test prolly. He tends to do that.
I didnt have anything to say tho...I mean, what did I want, why was I there? Just to have a body standing next to me? Just to know someone was there? I'm weird.
"And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you"
-Avril : Fall to Pieces
I ended up on the ground making designs with twigs and leaves for awhile. I think I finally told him, in case he cared, that I was okay with our situation now. I knew everything would be alright. It bugged me that it wasn't what I wanted, but I knew I'd be okay. I think I communicated that...clearly. He said he was fine too. So in essence, he's happy which is what makes me happy. I kept hugging him too, I wonder if he got annoyed. heh I finally left after some discussion on ...our..new relationship.
Came home and ate dinner without Mutti. She was talking to Janet. She told Janet that Adam and I broke up. GAH. Kill me now, now everyone and their dog is gonna know that Adam doesnt like me anymore and everyone pity me. Oy. Why. Anyways...during dinner we had the cat and her spread eagle episode as our topic. Then Vatti and I sat down and talked about ..well relationships. With him its always more like lectures. But yeah, I think we went beyond his..attention span and he acted like he wanted to get away from me. So we ended, but it was quite a long talk. Then Mutti replaced him after he ran and I basically said the same things to her.
Loryn said she'd give me a ride home. Then I remembered I had two tests on Monday. Suck. But I still didnt care if I ever made it home. She usually doesnt leave until like midnight and travels all the way to Provo. They watched Brother Bear at my request. I took a shower and braided my hair. Wee. We left around 11-11:30pm and I told her I'd drive to my house so she wouldnt have to drive the whole way. Weird driving a bug. She explained how hyper she was and how she talks so much and like 15 minutes later she was knocked out next to me. Its funny how driving comes naturally when you havent driven for awhile especially something so different/new. I never changed lanes...like at all until my exit. Weird. I listened to country.
Woke her up to show her how to get back on the freeway and we unloaded my stuff and I gave her cookies at 12:30am. Dallin had texted about fears of a car accident and so Loryn texted him, not sure if he got it with no reception in the basement. And she left, I studied for my test until 1:30 (found out she got home at 1:40). At 1am I remembered I was supposed to tell people I made it home. So I texted Adam. He said thanks for stalking him today. Weirdo. I ate chex mix and attempted to figger out this dumb lawyers test. I can never get it right.
Finally went to bed after I did the laundry for my stupid peed on pants.
No crying tonight.