This day totally
suck suck suck suck suck suck
I'll explain later.
The Next Day
When I am calm
I don't really remember the morning, it was all a blur.
I went to my first class, very interesting as always. I love Law.
Then I went to my next class and had 3 tests. I always get like 80%-87% on the tests, so it's always a "B" just of which one is the question. Cept for one of the Chapter tests (to do with filing,ha ha ironic) I failed, erm got a C. I still haven't done my assignment for Chapter 7 which really stresses me out but I dont know how to get that information, seriously. I was looking up donut places to find prices and got a craving for donuts.
I heard about this insurance class going on upstairs so I went up there for an extra class before work. I walked in and they had Krispy Kreme donuts. wee. So I listened, took notes on how to get into the Insurance world (ha! like I'll ever do that) and ate their donuts. I really acted like I was interested. I'm goood.
Went to work and we were all playing musical chairs. Ralph was in my office, Patsy in Ralphs and I well.. just sat there and watched them. Patsy was installing the new Amicus onto the host compy (Ralphs). So because the main compy was ..busy, we decided to go to lunch at the Grill (like always) I was perfectly fine with that! Free lunch. Darlene came and talked the whole time about her troubles and fears of losing her job with a tenant and a lease an' all this super private stuff. She almost cried like 5 times. It makes me sad, but I still dont know how to react... But it was a good meal.
We got back around 2pm and Ralph gave me a tape to dictate and a huge file. So I went into Patsys office and used her machine and compy while she installed the Amicus on my compy so I could use it later that day. Sooo weird. I like mine. I mainly spoke to Patsy til like 3, she stayed late and I didnt get much done.
When she left I finished the dictation and Ralph yelled at me to go to court for the 'unfinished business of Friday'. So I finished and went to court. Came back and he yells at me for not answering my phone. I told him I basically dont use my phone anymore. I have no reason, no one texts me, no one calls. I dont use it, it stays in my backpack all day. So yeah I had to go back to court. He made it sound like a dooms day thing. Its okay I have two legs, I can go back to court, its not the end of the world. Interestingly, he wanted to get a file from court (which I couldnt do w/o his signature) and so he said we'd go to court together, he'd get the file, give it to me and I'll take it back and he'd go to his 5 o'clock meeting. So I finished up trying to 'clean up' his dictation for 15 minutes and then we left to court.
Ralph signed the paper to get the file and I took the file and we went our separate ways. I got like a block away from the office and remembered that Ralph locked up the office and I didnt have my keys with me. Ugh. I thought he had his bike so he'd go straight home after the meeting. All my stuff was in there, my backpack, my license, my money, my keys, my cell phone! My phone has all the numbers I need down here. I havent memeorized anything. To call Grandma or Minnie I need the cell, let alone Patsy and Darlene. *sigh* Stress. But thankfully I had my bus pass in my pocket so I could at least get home...
So I, with these classified documents went home on the bus. My friend "Le" or whadeva his name is complained about our days on the bus. He was sick and I was locked out of my office. I called Patsy and Darlene to find Ralphs cell to see if he went home or not, I finally just called the office and Ralph was there. So I stole Grandmas car and took the 'classified' documents back to Ralph. *smiles nervously* You can imagine the panic I was in between this hour span I had. Found temporary parking. Returned the documents. And got my stuff. Called Darlene and Patsy to say I got in the office. Ralph has -no- idea how much I've went thru the past hour, he just went to a meeting and came back. Oy. Stress. It was 6pm by then so I left to go an activity.
This is where I really started...breaking down. All the stress and stupidity welling up inside me and I was supposed to go and be social and happy with perfect strangers and pretend to like them. Ugh... I ...can't do this anymore. I wanted to, I really did. I wanted to go to a FHE activity for the first time and make friends. It was a fun activity, carving pumpkins. But after that past hour...it was just..like so tireding. I know, I know. It sounds so dumb, it was only an hour and I couldnt hang on for another hour or two doing something slighly fun with strangers. But... I was just..I just couldn't do it.
I went home from the activity. Glad I stole Grandmas car. I blared the music. I screamed. I came home, Grandma knew I wasnt having a good day. I expressed this many times, but I dont think she knew the extent. I came home and dropped the keys and said I was going to bed. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. Numb the rest of the night. I watched TV, blared music and played solitare. In my searches of music I found a pritti hard and/or heavy metal station to listen to. Man, I haven't heard these songs in...forever! Kinda cool.
It was one hour of my day, totally wore me out and I couldn't hang on another 2 hours or less. Pathetic.
I tried. I really did. I'm sorry, but I tried. Today was just..not the day to add social and something exhausting to the list of things to do. Maybe another day. Next monday.
I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of this life.
I'm tired of doing the same thing over again.
I'm tired of being predictable.
I'm tired of being stranded.
I'm tired of starting all over again.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night for the same things.
I'm tired of trying to be social.
I'm tired of being told the same things.
I'm tired of the 'hope' for the future.
I'm tired of the fake convo's with Grandma.
I'm tired of being away from home.
I'm tired of hanging onto nothing..well it seems.
I'm just tired of pretending.
I guess I'm just losing faith.
But don't worry. It'll come back.
It has to.