Listening to: Avril - So Much For My Happy Ending
I'm supposed to be looking up airline flights and crap for my assignment right now. And I'm..not. Obviously. I hate these 'hands on' assignments. Its hard to get a lot of that info off the net.
I really have nothing important to say.
Just some insights from my reading I suppose.
Reading about communication and I've always felt that when I needed to talk or had a problem, my mother...just wasnt the person to talk to. She wasn't in on the whole sympathy and understanding thing she was more about solving the problem, I suppose.
But I thought that was okay b/c I had others I could talk to and she gave me everything else that I needed. The only thing I hesitate to share with her was my feelings when 'in the heat of the moment' per say.
It's kinda sad that I've realized...
"My mother gives me everything except herself."
Some people can remember the hugs and the sincere "I love you"s from parents. I remember being pushed away, "Hunny, Im busy" and a sarcastic and/or impatient "I love you now leave me alone". She always spent more time pushing me away than actually hugging me.
Now don't get me wrong. I love her and I know she loves me. It seems like that love is communicated during the times you don't need it most, or dont think you need it. But in those situations when thas all you wanna/need to hear, it never comes. So I learned to never go to her when I actually -needed- it.
When the boy broke up with me I needed that love. I needed that comfort and support, to know that she cared and had sympathy for me and would always be there even when boys arent. I went to her work. I dont know why. I knew I wouldn't get what I needed. But I went in hopes that she would help give me something I needed at that point in time. It ended up in the "dont touch me" way as it always does. If it comes any other way it just...seems insincere. *sigh*
"It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one"
Another thing the book pointed out was the fact that communications of loved are often implied or expected. And they shouldnt. A story about a boy losing his father..
"He never told me that he loved me. Of course, I was expected to know these things. I was expected to know the great part I played in his life and the great part I occupied of his heart, but he never told me"
I felt like I related these situations muchly I guess.
I do know that my parents love me and they do say it and I love them too and I try to say it also.
"People respond to your tone more than your words."
Please, be careful what you say and how you say it.
Happy Birthday Mum, me dearest Mutti and Kirri, my dearest sister! I love you!