I spent the first day of this week crying at this computer. I guess I can spend the last day of the week doing the same thing.
I miss ....touch.
I just want to touch someone.
A hug, a hand...a face.
I have this overwhelming desire to trace my fingers around someones face...just to feel.
Awkward position to ask strangers if I could touch their face. Awkward in general really.
I just want my love language.. I want touch.
Most people...when they get rid of something that monoplozied their lives that they enjoyed...they quickly replace it with something, whether good or bad. Most tend to go for the booze, others just go look for something similiar to what they had before and others replace it with healthy activities and accomplishments.
I'm talking about relationships, I suppose. When you end a relationship, everyone attempts to replace that part of their lives with something. Some try to drink the memories away, others go find another bf/gf and others stick their mind to things like school, family, career, accomplishments.
I didn't ...really do that. The only other time I had to 'distract' myself so-to-speak was when Derek and I broke up. I had..to leave.. I had to get away from him for a summer b/c I knew it'd just get worse after the break up. So I left, I replaced him with a summer trip. It works when you replace them or somehow distract yourself from the ..life you knew before. I didn't have much time to think about him. To actually miss him. I wondered if I ever missed him randomly during that time, and in a small way I don't think I did miss him b/c of all the pain we brought to each other.
With Adam all I have is school to distract me...and distance I suppose... but I'm still not very active in school anyway. I didn't go get friends, I didn't get a new bf, I didn't hang out with my family 10x more. I attempted to go to more FHE activities; didn't really work out, I didn't get totally involved in church either. I haven't changed anything in my life... I didn't want it to change in the first place...
He's up there planning group activities on the weekend, totally involved with church and school, going to dances with people he doesnt really care about. He's just..not himself. He's like on a ...downward spiral... It's not him. He's starting not to ..care anymore. I know its not totally horrible, but it just not..him.
See now Natalie and Ryker....they split and totally replaced each other with the wrong things. They focused on things that weren't...reliable or healthy. Natalies kinda change and went to college, but still she tries to distract herself with so many things, people.. And Ryker just totally turned around on his friends, his church, his intelligence... He focused on Burger King, kids. Thats sad.
Sometimes I just feel...bold. And want to say, "Okay, dear. Just get over the whole perfection thing and marry me already. We've wasted enough time on this drama thing already." Like we both know it's gonna happen, its just a matter of time, and when it clicks to you...But I know the reality of him 'getting over it' and the reality of him thinking about marriage. Slim to none. A very bold statement. And like some people say "If it's meant to be; it'll happen." It's not like either one of us don't have the time... Its just the shaky feeling of is he gonna figger this out or not? I guess the real question is will I ever get it to click in my head?
Until then I must act like I've moved on, in hopes that one day I will. "Fake it til you make it" says Mutti. I'm sure it's entirely possible for me to move and on and find someone that makes me just as happy, I've done it before. It's just a matter of wanting to.
Needless to say
Since I haven't done anything to distract myself
I miss him
I haven't changed any of my passwords that have to do with him....
I just want... a hug...
Well, that was a nice lil blip!
Buuuutttt....its over now.
I saw a guy at Desert Book who looked like someone I once fell in love with. Weird. At first I totally flipped out. And then thought 'ooh maybe another verison of this cute boy'. I can't decide if it's healthy. I want to date him to see if his personality is as good as his looks. I can't decide if this is a good or bad thing. Good that its a better verison of the guy but bad I'm referring him/comparing him to the guy. Bad memories mixed with good...gah! I'm so confused!
I don't do ask guys on dates. I dont. They come to me and I say no. And now look. Never in my life have I wanted to date someone this badly. Especially right now, where I'm obviously still in like with Adam. So weird. Why am I even curious about this boy? *sigh* His name is Casey. I went to the store ...twice to see him. If I get brave enough a third time I'd ask him out. I checked his finger, he goes to the U, he's LDS....hmmm What more do I need? Oh right, does he have a girlfriend...
The same body type, just shorter, the same kinda hair-do, the same kinda dark eyes, the shape of his head and kinda the shape of his eyes, even the same weird ...crooked smile. Hopefully he doesn't have the same stupid laugh. Or the PMS problem. Must find out his personality. grrr. I'm obsessed and its...really weird. He even gave me the same questioning look that ...that boy used to give me! Weird!
What is wrong with me?
Yeah... way to have a sentimental moment about Adam eh?
Mindless, endless flirting can now commence!!!