Listening to: Good Charlotte - My Bloody Valentine
I woke up at 11am by James calling me again to see if I was gonna come to Ogden. I figgered I had nothing else to do in Logan and I had to go home either today or morrow...so why not meet a boy too. So I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door. I had a feeling I would regret going to back today. Icky feeling. But I went anyway. I'm stupid like that.
I had Vatti take me to Ogden, up on Weber campus. Now I can say I've been. I think..he made a good first impression...fer me Vatti. I think. I didn't eat anything...
Found James in the Wingers parking lot and stuffed in his lil Jeep. He was helping a friend move and so he had a full jeep. I hopped in and found a huge knife next to his skull shifter. I pulled it out and smiled. Awesome! All his friends laughed at my excitment and James acted scared. Then we all took off to their place to unload the kids stuff in their apartment. He kept staring at me.
I won't lie. I was scared piss-less. Yes, thats the word. I don't know why. He's not..a complete stranger. He'll take me home...sometime. I needed a shower I smelt funny... His friends wouldn't hurt me or swear at me all night...Seriously, it's not like he'd do anything to me, but man I was freakin out in my lil' mind the whole time down there. My body never ran out of adrenaline and I tried to keep my breathing normal. I was trippin man. I tried to stay normal.
I was okay til I laid down on his couch/bed. It was like twelve hours without food when I figgered I should eat something. But I had hit the 12 hour mark and after that mark I juss didnt feel like...eating. Suck. Anyways...I wandered around their apartment and found lots of knives. They were shiny and made me smile. "WEdge" a roommate thought it was scary I was so excited about knives. It was much fun to see all his knives....
Then they decided to go to "Jared's" house. That man can talk awhile. We sat there in the freezing cold while Jared explained all the things James could do with his Jeep. Oy. Lame. Move on! Then we went inside, which was better, but still... Jared emptied his fridge/freezer into a bag for James and his roommates. He needed to get rid of some food. Man oh man. And they just came for eggs. Vatti called while I was there. Yes, I did attempt to lie to him. Then I thought, what the heck, of all people I can tell him the truth about what I'm doing even tho I might get a lecture. So I told him I wasn't home yet.
I was tired of standing. I was just...wiped out. Lack of sleep. Lack of food. Body running out of adrenaline. Oy. We finally got out of there. It was slightly nerve wracking being in the Jeep with his two other friends. Everything was up front with me. I had a small corner.
After talking to Jared we to go gas station and got a movie from Red Box. It was Futurama. Kill me now. Back to the apartment. They cooked the steaks they just got from Jared. I sat on a chair and closed my eyes. Opened to all three of them staring at me. Closed them again and somehow ended up in James' arms. He can move me so easily too. He warned me he liked to cuddle. I fergot the fact that he could make me cuddle by his strength. heh. I rolled my eyes at the movie all night. It wasn't too bad, but I certainly wouldn't make a habit of it. It was funny with the references of Futurama being kicked off Fox.
Their steaks were done and they all sat around this tiny table to eat them. James gave me like 5 bits from his. How sweet. It was good b/c I was either really hungry, or it really was good. I think that's all I've had the past 12 hours.
At one point in the movie I closed my eyes and really didn't move. I wasn't asleep, but I didn't move. James tells all his buddies "She's out!". I wonder what they were gonna do....
a. is big
b. likes to bite
c. is strong
d. collects knives
e. absolutely loves touch
After the movie he took me home. Adrenaline still going. Body slowly..dying, must go home and be safe. He asked if he was being too forward with the hand holding and cuddling. For a first 'hang out'. Yes. But I kinda figgered...he was..looking for something...or maybe the problem was, he wasn't looking for something. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship. I learned, that night, that I'm not looking for one either. So like cuddling with no strings attached. Seriously, that was me like so 6 months ago, where was he then?!?! Stupid cow. So normally I would so be on that trip! I love that no strings attached...but this feels funny.
He made me look him in the eyes when he talked all serious. Melt. I know he's rationalized to the point that cuddling and no intentions of commitment was an okay thing to do, I know cuz I've done it too, but seriously, honestly and bluntly I'm like a rebound from his last relationship he's still trippin' over. I'm just someone to cuddle with to make himself feel better. He tried to make it sound all good that he would even let himself cuddle with me, that it might mean potentional for us. That somehow I was 'special' from all the other girls he could cuddle with. haha...
As much as he's rationalized, he kinda wants a relationship without the work. I totally understand. But this is the part where I get in trouble. Dating someone with..not dating them.
I am the used.
And I.... don't think I have a problem with that.
Is that bad?
I'm so shallow.
Now the question is do I go along with it?
Heck, as long as I can date others, I say sure! I mean, if he wants it he has to come to me cuz I stuck. Maybe it'll keep me from having a boyfriend. That'd be grand.
So in the end it kinda turned out to be one of those "lets just be friends" things.
I have a cuddle buddy.
Does my stupidity ever stop?