Listening to: Jonas Brothers - S.O.S
"It's like I'm walking on broken glass"
Talked to my cousin the other day. Kara.
I didn't realize she was hurting that bad.
I didn't realize we had so much in common.
She just needs someone to talk to.
My stomach tensed up for the rest of the night after talking to her. Couldn't eat anymore. It was the weirdest thing, like my lower stomach, like cramps, really started hurting and it just wouldn't stop. It was almost like cramps, but not. I curled up in a ball anyway. How does he put up with me?
Still kinda hurts. Curled up in a ball and went to bed.
All signs of period are there. But no period. The zits, the sweaty, the cravings, the strange taste buds, the emotions, the clumsiness, the memory loss, even the pain is coming I suppose, but no blood. I don't think I've wanted to bleed so badly.. When was the last time I had my period. Oh please, don't stop coming regularly now.
Why can't I be more like that?
I obviously have nothing to say.
I am craving jerky like really bad right now.
My pants aren't fitting anymore - they're too big. Is that bad?
I keep having nightmares about hospitals. I blame James.
I had an anger burst. And he doesn't tolerate that.
He doesn't tolerate A LOT of behavior.
And of course, I crumple into a blubbering sorry mess.
I think being quick to say sorry is better than what I used to be, so stubborn I would be the one walking away all the time.
I said I was going home and invited him to come see me. I had this preconceived notion that he wouldn't ever come to my house. He didnt answer so I assumed it was a no, so I went into this "hurt them before they hurt you" reaction and kinda got "lipy" (were his words).
So I'm not allowed to be ornery with him tonight.
I will not freak out.
I will breath normally.
I will not be ornery.
I will be good.
I will not be stubborn.
On my best behavior tonight.
I will express my opinion.
I will not attack.
I will not be walked upon.
I will not be whiny.
Well, maybe not that last one.
I walked for a mile, like seriously to calm down. Yea, didn't work. I ripped into a bag of jerky and chewed on that violently. I was tempted to get another one when it took me like 10 minutes to get thru that first bag. Then I went and got Jamba Juice. Walked back. I think I'm a lil' better. I think the only solution is if I just...not talk so much. I'm going home to make spaghetti, let Max in the house, and I feel like reading but I don't know what he wants to do.
I think I need more sleep.
Sometimes his lack of tolerance on immature behavior is almost releiving and keeps me in check. But sometimes I feel like it takes some of ...me.. away at the same time.
SCREW ALL THAT
HE DIDN'T EVEN COME
your lips would taste so sweet
if your words weren't so bitter.