Listening to: Good Charlotte - The Day I Die
I hope that I can always be that blunt and pinpoint the unobivous (or obvious) like I did last night with James. I hope I will never rationalize any behavior again, that I may recognize the stupidity of others and avoid it myself.
"One day I woke up
I woke up knowing
Today is the day I will die"
Of course, today I couldn't sleep past 8 or 9am thanks to the curses of waking up everyday around that time. I forced myself to stay in bed until 10am. I figgered I might as well pack for my four day vacation at home. That only took a few minutes, and I couldn't eat so I was rendered bored for at least 2 hours.
Leaving me bored for two hours before my death sentence of getting my wisdom teeth is NOT a good thing! I called everyone I could think of and complained. The only thing I really said was "I'm going to die and nobody cares!" I called Claine and he helped explain the process (yes, I had no idea really) and I felt better. Then I called James back and said my one sentence over and over til he got annoyed. "I'm going to die a day after Valentines Day, and nobody cares!" He didn't really make me feel any better with his experience of going to a 'study' to have his teeth pulled and his "guess who got the placebo?" *shudder* And to think, I was interested in doing one of those studies. I played solitare like crazy for hours. I blasted music to keep my mind off it.
Aboot noon I realized that I was going to die starving and alone really. Mum finally showed up. I was screaming her name most of the morning. We took off to Ogden. Mum was in her own lil' world while I was flipping out in mine next to her. Rush rush. Then she mentioned we had to 'find' the place, as in we had no idea where we were going. We got lost and ended up on the North end of Ogden, when we were supposed to be at the South end.
She wanted a map. I just called Claine and stopped him from going to his Hardware store. I made him look us up. My game of "I tell you where I am and you find me". He told us where to go .... we called in late.. we found it...we called to ask what suite they were in...finally made it.
Then Mum mentioned the $200 I was supposed to give them up front. Great. Thanks. Take me to my death bed, starving, late and alone and then make me pay for it. Filled out paperwork and paid. X-ray. Then went to the chair. IV - prick and cringe. I don't remember much after that IV. It was wonderful.
Woke up in the chair once, went back to sleep, then the nurse lady came in and walked to me "recovery" she called it. It was just a chair at the end of the hallway. Once I sat there I couldn't go back to sleep. I put my feet up on the footstool. I love those moments sometimes when you get somewhere, but you don't know how you got there. Anyways. I remember thinking, "it's only 2:30?" Don't ask me how I knew the time. I got there at 1:30 and got in the chair at 2:00. It only took a half hour. Mum came in with my jacket and I grabbed at it. My comfort zone. Mine.
The lady just held unto my elbow like she had before and walked me out to the car. I was awake and talking the whole way home. I remember feeling my face which was full of gauze wondering how they fit that much in my tiny mouth. I wanted Jamba Juice. But I was starting to feel the pain already.
Jamba Juice and stopped by Wally World for medication. I like guzzled that drink down. Juice mixed with blood cuz I wouldn't stop bleeding. Starving and starting to feel the pain. I laid down after the drink and tried to relax. The car was freezing. Mum was in there for about a half hour or more. I heard things thrown in the trunk.
She was back, with no meds. She said the line was huge and there was a problem with the insurance. She explained how she went all "mad mummy" on them, making them upset at her cuz she had a child in pain prolly freezing in her car at that very moment.
I think I love her more when she does that. She goes into like bear-protecting-her-young mode, I'm gonna do that too one day. She makes so many sacrifices and decisions for me. She's definitely there to take care of me when I'm...not.
Anyways I had to PEE like a RACE HORSE. I was holding it, I think that hurt more than the lack of teeth I had at that moment. She drove home as fast as she could and I ran to the pee room and had the longest pee EVER. Thas what you get for not eating or drinking for 12 hours and then drinking a whole thing at once.
Then I went into Mum and Dads room and laid down like I saw Minnie do so many years before. I felt better laying down, with some like pressure on my jaws. Mum went to another pharmacy that would cooperate in a timely manner and got my meds and came back to feed me pills. We already had Lorotab thanks to my friend Mr. Harris. So I had Lorotab in me and she gave me Pencillin and some anti-nausea medication. I don't think me and Lorotab get along too well. I ended up using 800mg of IB Profen instead of the Lorotab, worked better and made me less...sick.
After that drink all I wanted to do was drink or eat. Gauze was like dripping and not working anymore and it was just icky to try to sleep with. So I got up after like an hour I couldn't sleep with blood dripping and the pain. I just wanted to eat and eat. Mum gave me soup and it was cool to like..shovel hot food into a small opening and sooth things. I didn't care about the gauze anymore, I didn't care about the blood. I just wanted food. Swallowing all that blood tho made me a lil' whoozy but then I juss took another pill to fix that. Whee!
I tried to remain in a good mood when people asked or looked at me funny. I really wasn't in that much pain. It just hurt like a bruise. And sometimes hurt to talk. I just wanted to eat the rest of my life.
I can feel the stitches. I feel like someone just punched me in the jaw a couple of times and left no visible bruise. Strange. Anyways... I wrote in my journal that night and discussed more about my "life and it's direction" with Mum. I was like a zombie by then but I still couldn't stop thinking about the stupid things I do in my life.
Finally went to bed after a fruitless, endless convo about my life's events and "why" I do them. Who the hell knows? Why do you keep eating chocolate? Why do guys keep falling for sex? Why does being kissed or hugged seem so desirable even to the nun? Why does the world keep going back to the TV? Why do video games or music dominate some peoples lives?
I don't know. It just happens.
I can't be perfect.
And I can't explain WHY either.