Sunday Night - 9p.m.
Today I learned from my parental units that not only am I going to hell, but I'm taking others with me and that, it seems, is by far worse than just me. And also, they indicate how much I only care about what others think of me, but I'm not apparently capable of feeling the emotional or spiritual pain on a deeper level. Ya don't think I have ever felt that? But of course, they end with a "Oh no Wednesday, don't give up. Keep going, you are doing good."
I love my parents. really. And I'm sure they love me too. And I'm sure to some extent telling your child what they 'aren't' capable of is a good idea. But giving a half hearted validation of "keep going, you can make it" and assuming the worst...doesn't really...cut it.
Giving up to me feels kinda like suicide. You think about it, you may plan it, you think of the benefits, you take it around in your mind selfishly, but when it really comes down to it, are you really brave enough to do it? Same goes with giving up on my spiritual life. I think about it, I think of the benefits, I think selfishly, I plan how I'll give up etc. but in the end it comes to that one sentence.
"My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me."
I don't care who's behind me, who helps me or who tells me I'm going to hell. I'm going to die trying. That may be all I actually KNOW right now.
I just can't give up on a life time of dreaming. It's all I got. It's all I'm living for honestly.
One day my heart will stop pounding when I see...
One day I will stop hoping or wishing when I see..
One day all the memories will leave my mind of ....
One day I will stop searching/noticing ....
All the white Jeeps, the charcoal Saturns or the Maroon Luminas...