Listening to: Weezer - I Want You Too
Cris Stiles came back into my life.
It's been a year...
He decided to come play with me and my family at Mueller Park yesterday night.
His explanation of why he stopped writing me while on his mission.....
What he said (paraphrase): "We got a new president, and about that time I got really sick with stress and everything (cuz he didnt know what he was doing after a mission etc) so the president sat me down and asked what was not consistent with my being a missionary so I wrote down a few things and decided that writing you was...not entirely consistent with being a missionary... It took me five weeks to write that letter saying that I'll explain when I'm done with my mission. I wish I had started to get to know you after my mission, it was kind of bad timing. But I needed space to concentrate on what I was doing, cuz ya know yer not supposed to be girl crazy on a mission and find out what I was gonna do when I got off my mission."
AND words for future endeavors:
"With my having of like 3 or 4 jobs and how busy I'll be with school, I won't be able to jump into dating, or a relationship or anything serious for awhile, but I do wanna hang out with you and be friends an' all."
What I heard: "You were distracting me. I even made a list of everything stressful in my life and you were on it. So I got rid of you."
AND with the second part I heard:
"I'm going to say I'm too busy to date you as an excuse...for something, I'm not sure what. (most ppl say they don't have time as an excuse. I think he's scared) And I want to date you...without actually dating you. ("hanging out" and lack of money being spent)Cool? K, thanks.
I mean... I don't expect him to say "hey lets be bf/gf" but I don't expect him to totally dismiss the idea either... He's like dictating his life. "I WILL be ready for a relationship at this point in time and only then" He rejected me once so quickly, he's not doing it again!
The highlight of the night was when I ran up a hill (creek) and was going to run around him but I slipped (and grabbed onto him) and I fell sideways on the hill (bank) with my legs behind his (to catch me) and he fell backwards on the hill (kind of on me) and we sat there and laughed.
He picked me up! Twice! I was on cloud nine.
I didn't know this before...obviously....but he gives the BEST hugs EVER. Huge bear hugs! He even gave me a pick-me-up hug at the end of the night and asked if I'd text him later. At that point I was all ga-ga and would agree with anything the kid said.
So the way to make me feel...wanted and stuff is by touch. Even a touch on the shoulder or knee. Well, he definitely made me feel wanted and special like. :D We were tight man, like close. He mentioned he was giving me mixed signals (between bf/gf and friends) prolly with all his touching...but duuudee. If he makes me feel like that all the time, I'd be 'just friends' with him forever!
I haven't felt this way about a male in...forever! Maybe... since Adam like 3 years ago.
But then again...
My heart is torn.
Cuz I don't even know why I'm letting myself entertain the ideas in my head.
He's soo out of my league.
A part of me is telling myself to be selfish enough to want him for myself when I know I'm not good enough for him.
The other part of me says once he finds out I'm not good enough he'll let me go.
A part of me says to let him go for he deserves better...
Another part tells me keep him and hang on for dear life.
A part of me says I can do this, I -want- to do this....
Another part reminds me that I've failed before and maybe this won't be enough to save me....
A part of me says he'll be my obsession...a good one too...
Another part of me says "run, run and save him from your weaknesses"......
And in general I know it'll be awkward trying to fit into his super religious world again.
He made me feel good about myself!
Do you know how many ppl have managed that recently? None, if you don't count the black guy from the ghetto who had no educational skills whatsoever. Clearly, I am better than that kid. jk
By the end of the night...
I had NO idea what to think or feel.
Blink Blink. Did that just happen?
I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance"
-Owl City, Fireflies
But in the end....
I think he liiiikkeess me.
He wants to kissss mee.
He wants to hooollddd me.